Postgame Spread

Just Die, Baby

2011-10-18T13:08:00.002-04:00

Is Al Davis making dumb, franchise-crippling trades from beyond the grave?

Gosh, I hope so. There isn't a more fitting franchise in sports for an undead GM/owner than the Raiders. Their idiot fans already dress like Pirates of the Caribbean extras. And the logical conclusion of their cheating/dirty/dangerous/irresponsible persona is to actually BE ghosts and zombies and skeletons right?

OMFG RED SOX SUX0RS I HATE THEM EFF TEH YANKEES 2

2011-10-04T14:18:00.001-04:00

Kidding!

Now that I've broken my blog duck for 2011, I can go back to tackling the question of what to do with myself now that all my teams have won. Hint: it includes less sports. But still, I'm curious as to why the biggest September collapse in history doesn't bother me much, while the mere mention of Rex Ryan makes me want to kick an infant. I'm accepting ideas for an explanation.

In case you're curious, though, here's a summary of what life will be like once your teams win everything there is to be won:

1. You'll have your life back.
2. You'll look for some exciting new sport on which to waste that life.

For me, that's been soccer. Which reminds me, I haven't watched soccer in almost two hours, brb! I'll leave you with this:

The return of the hate

2011-10-04T09:09:00.006-04:00

Just wanted to rev up the ol bloggy blog to share my feelings with Rafael Soriano. Take it away, Homer.

BTW - I have precisely the same sentiment for you, Burnett.

(Ed. note: now with more movement and hate! - JD)

The Bill James

2009-07-24T09:16:00.004-04:00

He's broken silence on steroids, and hoo doggy, it's pretty great.

"You can like it or you can dislike it, but your grandchildren are going to be steroid users."

Essentially, BALCO et al = Disruptive Innovators, Barry Bonds et al = Early Adopters, and in the future, once the health risks are acceptably controlled, everyone and his uncle is gonna be on the juice. I suppose that makes Bill Platschke (sp?) a laggard.

I agree 100%.

Honoring the other MJ

2009-07-21T16:03:00.002-04:00

Nothing to add to Deadspin's coverage... i just REALLY wanted to see this photo on here.

Hail to the King

2009-07-09T09:30:00.006-04:00

Today we learn how to pay proper tribute to the memory of the most influential pop artist of a generation.

Junior is doing it right.

On Tuesday, I received this:

From: Pita Pit [mailto:info@phillypitapit.com] Sent: Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:16 AMTo: Alex LehrSubject: Michael Jackson special

Greetings!
Today Pita Pit celebrates the life of Michael Jackson. As all you card-carrying fan club members know, Mexican was the King of Pop's favorite food. To pay our respects properly, we're offering an MJ inspired $5.00 Thriller Fajita, a steak or chicken fajita pita!

In honor of the late great one, we will also be changing the name of our Banana Very Berry Smoothie to the Smooth Criminal for the entire day. For those that don't know, the Smooth Criminal will have strawberries, bananas, frozen yogurt, orange juice and a little HEE hee.

To further transform the Pit into an MJ shrine, we'll be showing the TV special all day, beginning at 11am while blaring our Michael Jackson radio on Pandora. station. Listen with us... Ma ma se ma ma sa ma ma coo sa!

Pita Pit: UR doin it wrong.

All Hail Ocho

2009-06-26T09:08:00.006-04:00

Thanks Chad, for making this dark day a little bit brighter with your amazing penchant for gauging the cultural pulse of the day.

Seriously, Chad Johnson is the black Karl Pilkington. For further evidence, enjoy KSK's take on Ocho, if you haven't been following the hilarity for months.

Funny

2009-06-12T14:26:00.001-04:00

Thanks, Fail.

Submitted without comment

2009-06-08T13:21:00.002-04:00

Desperation is a stinky cologne

2009-06-08T10:20:00.002-04:00

The upshot of the recent Pittsburgh-Atlanta trade of Nate Mclouth for Gorkys Park and a couple minor prospects is that I've learned that this year, the Pirates could tie the Phillies for the all-time longest streak of losing seasons, at 16. That's a long, long time to suck.

Adam LaRoche nicely captures the bleak, hopeless reality that is Pirates Baseball as he says, "It's kind of like being with your platoon in a battle, and guys keep dropping around you. You keep hanging on, hanging on, and you've got to figure: How much longer till you sink?"

Mr. LaRoche then returned to his task of painting his fingernails black and huffing paint.

Pride. Passion. Pittsburgh Pirates.

fun with branding

2009-05-12T15:57:00.009-04:00

Allow me to introduce new MLS franchise, the Philadelphia* Union, here to explain their brand identity.

h/t Philebrity

As of this posting, the website of the Philadelphia Union is down, which is a mixed blessing - it means that there are actually people (or intarweb search bots) seeking out more information on this new and exciting sports entertainment business venture, or, more likely, it means that their web presence is for shit, which, since it is their SOLE presence, doesn't exactly speak well for their future prospects.

*Actually play in Chester

Update:

In which Alex demonstrates his ignorance of hockey, resolves to watch more hockey

2009-05-05T09:47:00.002-04:00

Or: Sid Crosby is a little bitch.

"People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

I probably should have watched this game, huh?

Because I'm bitter

2009-04-28T09:11:00.003-04:00

What the fuck is wrong with the Yankees pitching? If they bring up Hughes and/or IPK and they struggle, Dave Eiland should be fucking fired. He mentored both of them, as well as Wang (YPOS) in the minors, and is more responsible than anyone for the staff's early season failures. OK, Cashman is also to blame, and the organization as a whole for rushing and overhyping their prospects (TNSTAAPP, you shits). But still, we need a scapegoat here, people.

Oh, and also, this:

PATS ARE TWEETERS!!!

2009-04-25T22:59:00.001-04:00

OMG THE PATS ARE A BUNCH OF TWEETERS! THEY HAVE TO TWEET TO WIN! NICE JOB COACH BELITWEET! MAYBE YOU CAN SET UP YOUR TWITTER IN THE OPPOSING TEAM'S LOCKER ROOM NEXT TIME, BELITWEET! AND SOME WOMAN IN JERSEY TWEETED ON HER HUSBAND WITH HIM! TWEETING TWEETY TWEETERS! TWEETEEN AND ONE!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHH!

Ahh, I feel better now.

Translation: the Patriots are tweeting their draft picks on submit, which means the two minute lag between Chris Berman and Keyshawn Johnson shutting their stupid mouths up and the announcement of the pick is avoided! I can just watch @realpatriots when the Pats are on the clock, bypassing ESPN's self-fellative, unendingly annoying setup entirely. What the hell do I care whether Chris Berman is surprised by something? He'd be surprised to learn about Twitter! Why would his surprise at Sebastian Vollmer's selection mean anything at all to me?

On another note, the Pats are KILLING IT today. Through four picks, they get about an A-, all things considered. Traded their first-rounder twice and netted the #41 and two third-rounders from it. They'll likely turn some of those third-rounders into 2010 second-rounders.

Of today's four picks, S Patrick Chung and CB Darius Butler are high-profile super-athletic defensive backs, something this team hasn't had since, ugh, Tebucky Jones. (Let's never compare those guys to Tebucky again.) Either way, FINALLY, the defensive backfield's depth chart is full. I feel young again! If Terrence Wheatley and Jonathan Wilhite expand their roles appropriately in their second seasons, this is suddenly an area of strength. Best possible development of the day.

Outside linebacker is still a gaping hole shaped like Mike Vrabel, but that and fullback are the ONLY holes left on the team. And with four third-rounders tomorrow, I'd be stunned if they aren't both addressed within minutes of the opening bell.

Only one minor complaint: not crazy about letting Pat White go to the Dolphins. A team that loves trick plays like the Pats and uses them as frequently as they do could have really used a multi-positional Kordell Stewart/Seneca Wallace type weapon. But given that the reason to skip White is defense, I'm fine with it.

In summation, I'm happy. And presumably I'll be even happier tomorrow. Did I mention FOUR third-rounders?

Submitted without comment

2009-04-19T12:01:00.002-04:00

Bruins/NHL Playoffs Talk

2009-04-15T16:36:00.000-04:00

Make sure Nutty's playing as you read:

I am psyched this year like I have never been before. Psyched and mortified, but mostly psyched. I have an odd feeling about this team, after having watched nearly every single game: hope.

Every time the Bruins have landed a top seed in recent years, there's always been a stench of overachievement all about them. The playoffs would arrive, the smoke and mirrors would dissipate, and an exhausted bunch of losers would fall to the Canadiens. I can't lie: this thought has crossed my mind several times once the Habs were confirmed as the Bruins' opponent.

But this time really is different. The B's have literally no weaknesses. They can win with the neutral-zone trap, and against it; they can win 1-0 over any team you can imagine; they can win in a track meet; they can overcome your clean checks, and they can overcome a Hanson Brothers-style brawl too, as they proved last week against the Habs. They have one of the NHL's best offenses, with three lines that can carry a team's scoring for the game; they have its best defenseman, in certain Norris candidate Zdeno Chara, and a front four that can absorb any offense in the league; they have its best goalie, in near-certain Vezina winner Tim Thomas, recent winner of the Jennings Trophy for fewest goals against on the season (despite Manny Fernandez's best efforts to blow it for him).

In short, there hasn't been any overachieving. It's not like their breakout players shouldn't have broken out; Phil Kessel, David Krejci, Blake Wheeler, Milan Lucic... these guys were all SUPPOSED to do exactly what they're doing. It's not as if Chuck Kobasew scored 50 goals or some bullshit like that. In fact, given that Lucic and one-time 30-goal scorer Patrice Bergeron have only been themselves the past couple weeks, I would say they underachieved. They could be rolling three lines full of 20-goal scorers, and they're not. How about that.

There's just no formula for beating this team. None. Your best bet is to a) hit them as hard as you can and HOPE that they, against their track record, don't feel like hitting back, and b) pray to Jesus Christ himself that Thomas doesn't have "it" tonight. You require goddamn divine intervention to beat the Bruins on paper. I've never been as happy with the Bruins' depth chart as I am now.

The only player bad enough to sink this team is Manny Fernandez, a goalie who figures to not play one minute between the pipes from here on out. If he does, it means Thomas is hurt, the playoff run is over anyway, and Fernandez's performance doesn't much matter anyway. Maybe Shane Hnidy is a true weak link, but he's the team's 8th defenseman now! Of course he's a weak link. But seriously, look at how far you have to go before there's a true weak spot. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

On top of all that, they've got a pretty nice draw as far as playoff opponents go. At reasonably full strength, the B's have only had a worrisome amount of trouble against Washington and San Jose, neither of whom will turn up until a couple rounds in. I'm not gonna say it will be a cakewalk, not when Philly is lurking, but they've set themselves up nicely for a long run.

I wouldn't be totally stunned to see them lose earlier, but I don't see it. Doesn't make sense. This is the year.

On to the predictions:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

(1) BOSTON VS. (8) MONTREAL

Last Thursday's old-time hockey exhibition was a good indicator of the sort of bush league nonsense we can expect Bob Gainey to pull over the next week and a half. But that kind of crap can distract the Habs as much as the Bruins, as their loss indicates. And although the B's went without a win against the Habs last year, and still managed to take the Habs to a seventh game, the Bruins were a disciplined, bring-the-game-to-us type of team even at their worst. Montreal is just a bunch of wandering, underachieving boobs. They're about to be thoroughly outclassed.

Prediction: Bruins in 5

(2) WASHINGTON VS. (7) NEW YORK

While I think the Rangers are a solid team, and have the potential to ride Henrik Lundquist as deep as they please, Washington is just too good at every position. Jose Theodore is merely a Flyers-caliber goaltender, but he doesn't have to be much more than that with the team in front of him. He only has to be Chris Osgood good, not Roberto Luongo good. I don't see this being much of a series, no matter what Sean Avery does.

Prediction: Caps in 5

(3) NEW JERSEY VS. (6) CAROLINA

While it's widely known that Carolina stinks on ice, that knowledge is nowhere near as wide as Martin Brodeur's ass. The Devs are struggling; the magic is over. Carolina, meanwhile, is hotter than anyone, and just as well-built as the Devils. They're a little too trendy a pick, but it's for a good reason.

Prediction: Canes in 6

(4) PITTSBURGH VS. (5) PHILADELPHIA

I really, REALLY hate to say this, but I don't see the Flyers NOT getting into the Pens' heads this year. Marc-Andre Fleury has been a mess, the defense is a sieve at best, and Sidney Crosby is like fresh fish to the scummy likes of Scott Hartnell and Mike Richards. Regardless of Philly's preposterously persistent porosity problems in the pipes, I don't see Crosby + Malkin + Nobody Else putting a dent into them. I definitely don't see Pittsburgh taking a Game 7 from them.

Prediction: Flyers in 7

WESTERN CONFERENCE

(1) SAN JOSE VS. (8) ANAHEIM

I don't get why everyone's in love with Anaheim. Jonas Hiller is going to shut down the best team in hockey, is he? Just because the Ducks have pedigree? Give me a break.

Prediction: Sharks in 4

(2) DETROIT VS. (7) COLUMBUS

Columbus is the most annoying team in hockey. They have Rick Nash, and that is literally it as far as actual scoring talent goes. What, I'm supposed to be enthralled by the offensive exploits of R.J. Umberger?!? Give me a break. All they're good enough to do is delay the inevitable for no good reason.

Prediction: Wings in 6

(3) VANCOUVER VS. (6) ST. LOUIS

The Blues are the biggest story of the NHL season. From perennial playoff team to perennial doormat and, in the absence of their best players (Paul Kariya, Erik Johnson), have made the biggest leap of anyone. Not only did they sneak into the playoffs, but they have an eminently beatable Vancouver team as their opponent! I have literally no idea how Chris Mason and the Blues did this. And despite my pro-Vancouver sympathies, I can't help but root for St. Louis to take down the weakest of the six division winners.

Prediction: Blues in 7

(4) CHICAGO VS. (5) CALGARY

I can't think of one good reason to root for a team that blew a 13-point division lead over the phoenix-like rebirth of the Chicago Blackhawks. A fun team to watch and a fun team to root for.

Prediction: Hawks in 5

SUBSEQUENT ROUNDS

EAST
BOSTON over Carolina
Because the Canes never put up much of a fight against the B's this year.

PHILLY over Washington
Because it wouldn't be the Flyers if they didn't piss you off.

BOSTON over Philly
Because by now, Biron will be tenderized and ready to eat. And because fuck the Flyers.

WEST
SAN JOSE over St. Louis
Because the dream has to end eventually.

DETROIT over Chicago
Because the Hawks aren't quite THAT good.

DETROIT over San Jose
Because the Sharks always do this eventually.

FINALS
BOSTON over Detroit

They've shown they can beat Detroit, and by a lot, too. If it were the Sharks, I don't think I'd have the same amount of faith in a Bruins victory. But a matchup with Detroit, a team craftier than it is talented, strikes me as a lot more favorable towards the Bruins.

Warning: Exposure to the Washington Nationals may cause boredom, death

2009-04-13T14:03:00.003-04:00

RIP, Harry Kalas. At least you go out as a World Fucking Champion.

Bruins In Playoffs, Look For Real, Have BEST COMMERCIALS EVER

2009-04-13T13:11:00.000-04:00

When I post about the Bruins, there's usually some kind of apology attached. Not now. After living an entire lifetime ashamed of my cheap, uncaring hockey team, this is the first time I've ever been proud to be a fan of the Boston Bruins. This, this moment right now, is the greatest moment in the franchise since the '72 Cup finals.

No, not the B's having the top seed in the East... I'm talking about these commercials.

I award this series of ads 5 Ranger fan shoes out of 5.

Baseball Teams As Hip Hop Labels

2009-04-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

I'm impressed by how well the label descriptions fit the teams... I'm no expert but when you call Dr. Dre the George Steinbrenner of rap, I understand that completely. [h/t]

Massholes On Parade: Inaugural 2009 Masshole Edition

2009-04-09T15:42:00.000-04:00

Spring has officially arrived: it's Masshole season! Last night, a Sox fan was caught peeing off the upper deck at Fenway:

As officers were attempting to escort the fan from the park, the fan broke free and began yelling, “I’m not leaving!!! I’m not leaving!!!”

This one doesn't stink of Massholity like other posts you'll find on this tag. In fact, the suspect is from New Hampshire, making him more of a Hamphole. But in this day and age, when all you have to do to piss off a sports fan is mention Boston, we don't need a shonda for the goyim making things worse. We have too many as it is...

The Dark Knight Returns

2009-04-09T10:36:00.007-04:00

From yesterday's pregame ring ceremony.

Also: Jack Taschner is my new favorite Phillie.

Phillies to Braves: UR doin it wrong

2009-04-09T10:29:00.005-04:00

From yesterday's game, for which I foolhardily gave away my tickets.

Bottom 7th: Philadelphia
- E. O'Flaherty relieved G. Norton
- S. Victorino grounded out to third
- C. Utley singled to center
- R. Howard hit by pitch, C. Utley to second
- P. Moylan relieved E. O'Flaherty
- J. Werth walked, C. Utley to third, R. Howard to second
- R. Ibanez singled to left, C. Utley scored, R. Howard to third, J. Werth to second
- P. Feliz singled to center, R. Howard scored, J. Werth to third, R. Ibanez to second
- M. Stairs hit for C. Ruiz
- M. Stairs walked, J. Werth scored, R. Ibanez to third, P. Feliz to second
- B. Boyer relieved P. Moylan
- C. Coste hit for C. Condrey
- C. Coste walked, R. Ibanez scored, P. Feliz to third, M. Stairs to second
- J. Rollins walked, P. Feliz scored, M. Stairs to third, C. Coste to second
- J. Campillo relieved J. Campillo
- S. Victorino singled to right, M. Stairs scored, C. Coste to third, J. Rollins to second
- C. Utley walked, C. Coste scored, J. Rollins to third, S. Victorino to second
- R. Howard grounded out to first, J. Rollins scored, S. Victorino to third, C. Utley to second
- J. Werth flied out to right

8 runs, 4 hits, 0 errors
Atlanta 10, Philadelphia 11

The torch has been passed

2009-04-07T11:24:00.007-04:00

Yikes

2009-04-06T09:52:00.010-04:00

Mike Lupica has morphed into the godless lovechild of Joe Morgan and Peter King. Like Morgan, his column on the Yankees future with Jeter is absurdly myopic and bereft of the slightest, you know, evidence to support his assertion that the Yankees MUST renew Jeter's contract ad infinitum. But then, on page 3, BAM! He shifts into serious Peter King mental spew mode. Perhaps a FJM/KSK style line by line breakdown is in order. Perhaps this shall become a regular feature.

Derek Jeter in a class by himself for Yankees
Saturday, April 4th 2009, 11:10 PM

DETROIT - So Derek Jeter opens a new Yankee Stadium in exhibitions against Sweet Lou Piniella now and for real in a week or so, seven months or so from when he took the microphone and officially closed the old Stadium last September. He moves across the street as people are already moving him toward the door, like he is moving up on being one of the Yankee ghosts he is always talking about.

You really chose to open your column with two consecutive run on sentences with utterly bizarre syntax (a week or so, seven months or so) and a mixed metaphor (he can somehow move across the street, and towards the door… but not the door of the new stadium, the imaginary door that leads out of town). Actually, this is but a taste of the mysterious power of Captain Intangibles… he can move across both space and legend in seemingly opposing directions. He has mastered the 5th dimension. Like a handsomer version of Nightcrawler. With a more agile tongue.

Jeter runs out to short in this McMansion of a Stadium - call it The McStadium –

No. Call it Yankee Stadium.

the way he did for the first time as a regular across the street, in 1996, when the winning started.

Yankee WS Championships, pre-1996: 27

Even as he does, people really do act as if they want to move him off short the first chance they get and wonder where he plays after that.

No, people don’t “act” as if they want this, we DO want this, and we DO wonder this.

Everybody wonders how the Yankees are going to pay him when this contract, the second-biggest in baseball after the last two Alex Rodriguez has signed, is up the season after this one.

Biweekly paychecks work for most… does Jeter demand hand delivery of a sack full of pirate gold by a bare-tittied Amazon astride a unicorn? If so, Jeter fucking WINS.

And that's fine, it is going to be the most fascinating conversation about money the Yankees have ever had with a guy on his way to the new Monument Park.

Reasoned debate based on conflicting facts = fascinating. Debate between perceived (emotional) value and demonstrable value = not fascinating.

This one matters because Jeter still matters, to the Yankees, and Yankee fans, as much as anybody they've had since Mantle. Whether he has lost a step or not.

But to dwell on all that, or begin to obsess on it the way we do with everyting (sic) Yankee-related, is to miss the great drama of the captain of the Yankees, trying to win again, after a start to his career when he thought he would win forever. Jeter won four World Series in his first five years and now hasn't won the World Series for eight straight years. You know it is something he never saw coming.

Which didn’t he see coming, the winning a lot or the not winning forever?

It is still a great Yankee drama watching him try.
He will be in the Hall of Fame

Probably. Probably won't belong there, either.

and still isn't the kind of baseball immortal that Mo Rivera is, because Rivera isn't just the greatest closer of all time, he is the greatest single pitcher the Yankees have ever had, with all due respect to Whitey.

While I of course agree with the statement that Rivera > Jeter (even though it’s apples > oranges), why are you tossing this in? In a piece meant to canonize Jeter, it seems like an unnecessary fuck you to Whitey Ford. Look, Ricky Bobby, just because you say “with all due respect” doesn’t mean you can insult someone and they shouldn’t see it as a slight.

But in all the important ways, representing what the Yankees used to represent before they became like some bank of baseball, Jeter has been the most important of them.

All the important ways besides those we can measure, that is.

It is why I hope he stays at shortstop as long as he wants to and I hope he gets paid again when the time comes.

“As long as he wants” might be the single stupidest phrase uttered about players who hold a special place in the hearts of fans.

George Steinbrenner is out of the picture now and Joe Torre is in Los Angeles. Maybe that is why the presence of the old Yankees and Jeter in particular seems more meaningful than ever before, as they try to do it one more time.

Because, you see, we few, we happy few, we True Yankee Fans hold onto the past, forever looking back, as our ship careens down the 5th dimension q-axis that leads to third place in the AL East.

The main criticism of Jeter, before everybody moved in on his loss of range, is that he never said enough, that he wasn't a vocal enough leader or a fascinating quote. But he never signed on for that. He signed on to win, and after those first five years thought he was going to win as much as Joe DiMaggio did.

Surprise!

He is still everything the Yankees want to be.

Gay? (rimshot)

He is old-Yankee class at a time when they open this monument to excess and act as if they have done something as noble as building a library, or a church. If A-Rod is the face of the excess of this decade, Jeter is the face of the last one. The fans liked the last decade better.

/head explodes

Jeter has made his money, you bet. Signed that contract for $191 million right after A-Rod got his $252 million off the Texas Rangers (before Hank Steinbrenner came along to show Tom Hicks, the Rangers' owner, that he could sign Rodriguez to an even dumber contract than that one). But somehow, because of all the winning, he has never been thrown in with the $200-million-a-year All-Stars who haven't won it all since the Subway Series of 2000.

Hm… you seem to be implying that it is correct for him to not be lumped into that group of chokers. Here’s a thought- perhaps playing a marginal all-star player $18M a year has something to do with the Yankees’ failures of recent years?

It was the end of what will be the last great time in Yankee history, the four in five and three in a row between 1998 and 2000, the closest thing in the last half-century to the Yankees winning five World Series in a row between '49 and '53. Jeter's Yankees doing that in a world where you have to win three playoff rounds and 11 October games to win it all.
Jeter's Yankees giving you 1998 and what might have been the best Yankee team of them all.

I agree- the Yankees of 98-00 were an incredibly good team, likely the best I’ll see in my lifetime. Congratulations on making your first accurate point.

"We played the way you're supposed to play and won the way you're supposed to win," he said to me once.

In one of the most tired and generic sound bites this side of “you have to take ‘em one game at a time.” I thought it was hollow shit like this that made the NY media criticize Jeet in his early years?

It is not just Yankee fans that want things the way they used to be, on the other side of 161st St. It is Jeter, too. The Yankees will win another Series eventually, maybe even this season at McStadium.

All this week: free supersize upgrades on all Scrappy Meals(TM) at McStadium.

Jeter may still be at short when they do. But it won't be the way it was. The Yankees of today are the new place. They're A-Rod. Jeter was made for the place across the street.

The place that reeked of urine and had random chunks of metal and concrete falling off it all the time? That sounds about right, actually.

If those Yankee tickets are going like hotcakes, how come they had to run a full-page ad about tickets in the Times the other day?
Because they are charging $2,500 a ticket for the seats that are left. Because they can. Because it’s NY, and New Yorkers are rich and egomaniacal.

Every time I see one of the Steinbrenner sons out in public, I wonder all over again how long this family is going to stay in the baseball business.
Just from the slide shows alone, you only have one question about the Yankees' new clubhouse, and it comes off an old Bob Newhart line:
Where's the gift shop?

Mike Lupica talks to clubhouses. Alert security.

Glenn Beck cries on television like he's reading the ending to a dog book.

And here begins Lupica’s foray into Peter King territory. No real segue, no warning, no nothing. Buckle up, we’re going on an amazing ride.

Seriously: He's the only guy working who's under the impression that his own material is a four-hanky job.

I can think of another four-hanky job that Lupica would be ideally suited for. Far more suited for that than sportswriting.

Plaxico Burress finds out now what a lot of guys like him find out, that you go right out the door the moment you become more trouble than you are worth.

Wait - which door is this one? Is there a leprachaun on the other side?

The truly amazing thing about Plax is that he still is under the impression he's negotiating from strength.
But don't say the Giants are better off without him, because they're not.

Then, um, he would be negotiating from strength, you twat.

I can't be sure about this, but I think Al Harrington just got T-ed up somewhere.

Ok, I’ll just let Lupica do his thing.

Don't you get the idea that when Harrington goes to the gym, they need a SWAT team to get him off the chin-up bar?

Maybe before the next billboard of Nate Robinson he'll decide to cover somebody besides Will Ferrell.

How do the Knicks sell another season like this to fans still paying top dollar for tickets?

John Calipari was saying yesterday in Detroit as he walked up Jefferson Ave. that the first time he was ever in Rupp Arena was the second-to-last row of seats the night Villanova beat Georgetown in 1985.

Then he said, "Only took 24 years to make it down to the court."
Maybe one of the reasons James L. Dolan was able to spend the money he spent defeating the West Side Stadium is because he's still working off an obscene deal with the city where the Garden doesn't have to pay taxes.

Why? Because Ed Koch was afraid they might leave the city, that's why.

Mayor-for-Life Bloomberg ought to take that off the books now and ask this question:

Where you going now, Jimmy?

If the Nets really want to come to New York and Brooklyn comes off the table, how come they don't do something with the Islanders on all that land on Willets Point?

This would involve the next Nets owner, of course, after Ratner inevitably sells the team.

I will say this again on Jay Cutler: For all those yards and all those touchdown passes, there was a reason Josh McDaniels wanted Matt Cassel.

And a reason Pat Bowlen was this willing to give up on the kid this soon.

Cutler got a case of hurt feelings because they wanted to trade him and now he's supposed to be the leader of Da Bears?

You know what's the best thing Bud Selig has done for baseball, despite all the kneejerk and uninformed pounding he routinely gets from coast to coast:

He took the game back from the union.

He took it back from Fehr and Orza, who thought they were the real commissioners of the sport.

You don't get banged around for something like that. You deserve a medal.

And that's before you talk about a drug-testing program the sport would not have if Selig hadn't gotten that survey five years ago.
But none of that is supposed to matter because he hasn't shown the kind of remorse that somebody like Mike Vick is supposed to show.

The Jets have to declare on one of their young quarterbacks and then stay with one of them for more than 20 minutes at a time.
That way they don't have to look for a new savior every year.

The Final Four really is such a wonderful thing for Detroit, one of the great cities in this country, and one of the toughest.

Say it for the last time: Michael Imperioli was the best thing on "Life on Mars."

I'm predicting right now that Jon Voight has the antidote to cure Jack in "24," not that you asked.

Happy 17th Birthday today to the youngest of the Lupica boys, Zach.

He's the point guard of the family, the one who's played bigger than he is his whole life.

Mostly because of his heart.

Aaaaaaaand…. scene.

#51 kickin it corporate

2009-04-03T15:06:00.002-04:00

Best guitar ever?

Best guitar ever.

Moving Back To DC In 3... 2... 1...

2009-04-02T16:27:00.001-04:00

Steinz just posted the new beer list at Nationals Park this year. Look what's on it:

Not an April Fools' joke. Arrogant Bastard and 90 Minute IPA at the park. Bravo. I was always pleased that HopDevil could be found at RFK, but this is a totally new frontier. Damn near makes the price of beer worth it!

If Fenway had offerings like that... well, my life wouldn't be any different at all, cause I never go. But in theory it would be nice to find a decent pint closer to my hypothetical seat than the Boston Beer Works.

MLB predictions for '09

2009-04-01T10:36:00.001-04:00

AL East:
Boston
TB (WC)
NYY (leading to the firing of Girardi and hiring of (gulp) Sweet Lou)
Toronto
Glorioles

Al Central:
Minnesota
KC
Cleveland
Detroit
Chicago Sox

Al West:
Anaheim
Oakland
Texas
Seattle

NL East:
Philly
NYMets (WC)
Florida
Atlanta
Washington

NL Central:
ChiCubs
Cardinals
Cinci
Milwaukee
Pitt
Houston

NL West:
LA
AZ
SFO
Col
San Diego (incl. june fire sale)

WORLD SERIES OF THE WORLD: Boston over Philly, in 6 games, leading to me having a whole new reason to loathe Boston, and multiple homicides along Broad Street.

Top MVP candidates:
AL: Yook, Perdooia, Teix (darkhorse - Mariano)
NL: Utley, Pooholes, Manny (darkhorse - Lincecum)

Bruins Pwn Trade Deadline

2009-03-04T16:00:00.003-05:00

With the trade deadline come and gone, it looks like the Bruins got precisely what they needed. They didn't get Chris Pronger or Jay Bouwmeester or Tomas Kaberle, but neither did anyone else. They did, however, make two minor acquisitions that will help the team without subtracting anything:

* Redundant defenseman Steve Montador was acquired in exchange for extremely redundant grit forward Petteri Nokelainen. Noke is a good three-zone player, but added nothing to this incarnation of the Bruins. Montador doesn't add that much either, as he's equivalent to the kind of Andrew Ference/Shane Hnidy/Mark Stuart defender that the B's are already flush with. But considering that nobody in that Kaberle/Bouwmeester/Pronger troika was moved, it's a nice depth move that at the very least increases the nastiness factor back there. I can also imagine Montador punching a Flyer kidney or three, which is a plus.

* 68-year-old winger Mark Recchi arrives, along with a 2nd rounder, for unimpressive rookies Matt Lashoff and Martins Karsums. This, friends, is theft even without the assuredly high 2010 pick. Lashoff was Boston's 9th- or 10th-best defenseman, and has regressed since his appearances with the big club prior to 2008. Karsums could be a 3rd-liner in the right situation, but he's not bringing anything in particular to the table. Those two, in exchange for a rejuvenated Hall of Famer AND a pick? Given the cost of the deadline's big prizes, this was exactly what they needed to keep the band together AND get better.

Considering that nobody east of the Mississippi made any major improvements (Antropov and Morris? ZZZZZZZZZZZZ) and that picking up one of the Three Stooges for the blue line would have cost the B's dearly, I'm very happy about adding gritship, leadeyness, and a Cup pedigree in exchange for, essentially, nothing.

The lines are looking as strong as ever:

Lucic Savard Kessel
Wheeler Krejci Ryder
Axelsson Bergeron Recchi
Thornton Yelle Kobasew

Chara Ward
Wideman Montador
Ference Stuart/Hnidy

Andy Brickley's lines had Recchi on the left and Thornton on the right, enabling Kobasew to jump back up to #3 and P.J. to join Thornton and Yelle on what has to be the best 4th line in the NHL. That is probably better from an offensive perspective, but I bet Claude Julien spreads the defensive responsibilities evenly amongst the Bergeron and Yelle lines. It's not like Kobasew can't grind it out on line #4 if he's asked, and Thornton has played so well on the left that I don't see why you'd move him.

I'm sad that Matt Hunwick and Byron Bitz are on the bench and out of the mix. But I can't be that upset when the guys displacing them are quality.

Approve.

From the one that cut you

2009-02-27T09:14:00.002-05:00

Nice work from Beyond the Box Score, detailing how one man can get so much out of so very, very little.

God U Suck: Martin Biron Edition

2009-02-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

Here's how to assemble the skeleton of a God U Suck post in three simple steps:

1. Ethics FAIL by Mike Richards

2. Goalie FAIL by Martin Biron

3. Video WIN by Some Guy With A Crush On Sidney Crosby

This is old news.... but when this is the news, it's NEVER a bad time.

Operation Scheyerface

2009-02-26T12:11:00.000-05:00

Good lord, do I wish I'd known about Operation Scheyerface. I might have watched the game!

My favorite, of course, is the one at the end of Jon Scheyer photoshopped upon the famous Duke Baby father's lap. At this point that baby may as well be Maryland basketball's official mascot... the Maryland Duke Babies has a ring to it, no?

NFL Overtime Dilemma: Solved

2009-02-25T14:59:00.000-05:00

Auctioning off first possession in overtime based on closeness to own goal line: great solution, or greatest solution?

For the most part I approve, if for no other reason than because you get to a place where nobody disagrees about who gets the ball. As it is, you can just vent your vag about how unfair it is that someone drove 60 yards on you, as if you didn't have a chance to stop them. This removes that nonsense entirely. You agree to stop someone on their own 12, and if you don't then you face the music unarmed. I like that.

On the other hand, I could see this actually leading to more ties if the ball is in a sufficiently annoying location. And that's a terrible outcome.

If OT is changed at all, I would want to see the removal of the tie in favor of the untimed sudden-death overtime. If college football can go on for five, six, seven OT periods, then there's no reason to argue that the players will be too tired to play longer than fifteen minutes. Presumably the current reason for ending a game in a tie is related to pleasing TV broadcasters, but the NFL seems like the one league that could increase unplanned gameplay and still keep local affiliates happy. Perhaps if OT were monetized above what local affiliates would receive for paid programming, the problem gets solved.

Either way, ties suck, and have nothing but ill effects, like Donovan McNabb talking, and the Eagles making the playoffs. If they can take away the tie that actually makes sense (hockey) then they should get rid of the one that doesn't.

Who's Yo Daddy

2009-02-14T13:09:00.000-05:00

Michael Lewis has cast Shane Battier as an underrated, unheralded underdog, just like his other subjects. But jeez... Battier spent his entire college career on national television getting fellated by the face of college basketball. Anyone who watched college ball in the late 90s and early 2000s knows Shane Battier and his game. While his lack of pro recognition still makes him Lewis territory, I don't think the gravity of Battier's newfound underrating makes him a sad story or anything. Do we really need to give Daryl Morey a medal for agreeing with Dick Vitale?

But it's still a good piece. Good enough that it almost makes me forget that every charge Battier takes is complete fucking baloney, and that he's a cheating piece of shit.

F**k Baseball: Hockey Video Of The Year

2009-02-12T17:14:00.000-05:00

From the indispensable Puck Daddy comes this indispensable video. Ignore all the Dan Le Bastard crap, and wait for Randy Moller to start dropping the by-request pop culture references.

I think "WHAT'S IN THE BOX! THE PANTHERS HAVE A TWO-GOAL LEAD!" is my favorite.

Dreaming of Spring

2009-02-12T14:20:00.004-05:00

yesterday, it surpassed 60 degrees here. Today's in the mid fifties. And today, we get our first shots from Phillies camp in Phlorida.

Take one look at this shot of Chase and tell me you don't feel less seasonally depressed.

doRA

2009-02-12T08:43:00.004-05:00

So, in lieu of a massive rant about ARod, I'll just link to this piece on slate.com, which lays out precisely the opposite opinion as mine.
In it, he mixes a bunch of banking metaphors, in an attempt to pander to the non-baseball watching audience who are reading his article because, with Obama as president, they no longer have anything to feel wronged about.

Summarizing that piece, he suggests three steps to fixing baseball:

1) punish teams not just players. If a player is found to have taken PEDs, his team is barred from the playoffs.

That is insane, and utterly besides the point. The reason we punish individuals is cause they're professionals. The NCAA punishes teams because it's college, and the burden of responsibility is shared between student and program. Plus, this would nearly guarantee at least one year in the near future where 0 teams are eligible for the playoffs, were baseball to really ramp up testing (which I think they should).

2) Put all PED users on the permanently ineligible Hall of Fame list.

This is myopic as hell. He blabbers about how the Hall isn't just for the best players, it's for the players who demonstrate sportsmanship, integrity, etc... You know, guys like Ty Fucking Cobb? What about all the players popping greenies throughout the 70s-90s? "The world is grey, Jack!" The Hall isn't some virginal, lily white beacon of "all that was once good, and could be again", it's simply a historical record of human achievement. And humans are hopelessly fallible. Let us celebrate their achievements through the lens of our common humanity.

Look, Bonds should go in, McGwire should go in, dorA should go in, and when I take my grandson there someday, and we look up at Bonds' gigantic melon immortalized in bronze, I can moralize about what a cheating dick he was until lil' Alex begs for me to shut up so we can go get a choco taco already.

3) Players shouldn't be eligible for the Hall until 10 or 20 years post-retirement, to better allow history to judge them.

While I suppose that this longer time period might give us better perspective, it would also result in WAY less interesting Hall of Fame induction speeches. I shouldn't have to wait until I'm old and grey to see my childhood heroes (many of whom would have died already) canonized. Also, with modern statistical analysis, it is relatively easy to compare players to the league average, and so make immediate judgements about their ability, regardless of differences between eras. So the only reason to wait 10-20 years would be to judge their moral failings or lack thereof, and I've already rejected that point.

UFIAardsma Update!

2009-01-20T18:19:00.002-05:00

Meet the newest Seattle Mariner!

I believe he'll be a UFA at the end of the season. Until then, UFIA for everybody!!!

And now for a musical interlude

2009-01-14T14:25:00.006-05:00

If you listen to only one utterly flabbergasting and terrible Eagles fight song this year... make it this one, courtesy of Jodie C. Cohen (h/t Philebrity).

"I am dreaming.. wide awake
just how would it feel?
To be reachin the highest high
victorious
knowing it is within us."

The breakdown section at about the 2 minute mark is truly a thing of beauty. Wait..what's the opposite of beauty?

Los Habitantes Aspiran Comen Los Penes

2009-01-14T00:30:00.004-05:00

[EDIT: Doh. No habla Espanol.]

The Bruins, after going 0-8 against Montreal in the regular season last year, have defeated their tormentors in convincing fashion.

Without Phil Kessel, Milan Lucic, Marco Sturm, or Patrice Bergeron, each of them amongst the Bruins' top scoring forwards, they beat last year's Eastern Conference points leader soundly. For the third time in a row. Tonight's 3-1 win was a perfect hockey game: tense first period, comeback from a deficit in the second period, total dominance in the third, dagger at the end. Perfect, and more thorough a beatdown than the score suggests. The Habs had one legitimate shot to tie up the game, and Tim Thomas snuffed it out.

This season is looking more and more like a cakewalk. 43 games. 68 points. An 11-point lead in the conference, which is unheard of nowadays unless you root for the Wings. Wins against quality opponents like Vancouver, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago to their credit. Except for the injuries, it's been nothing but great, great news.

With two games remaining, and a 3-0-1 record against the Habs thus far, they have clinched the season series. A year after not winning a single game against them until the playoffs. This, if anything, is what tells me that they are for real. To not just hold their own, but blast them out of the rink. I'm not entirely convinced they're a favorite, and won't be until I see them beat Alex Ovechkin and the Caps a couple times. But with each win they rack up, in the face of so many injuries, they look more and more like the real thing.

Piling on

2009-01-13T09:10:00.007-05:00

The Knicks Revered Sideshow Of Newsworthy Evil (KRS-ONE) continues with a probably untrue but hoo boy do I hope it happened cause it is fantastic story, starring none other than Eddy Curry, his cock, and a loaded handgun.

Peep this brilliance:
• When Kuchinsky balked at some of these tasks, he claims he was verbally assaulted by Curry, including being called, "fucking Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

And if you think this post is entirely superfluous, a transparent machination simply meant to bump Jeff's emotional and well written homage to Jim Rice (aka Steve Balboni with a softer career arc), then, well, congratulations.

Our Long Regional Nightmare Is Over

2009-01-13T00:13:00.001-05:00

Bravo.

I'm not entirely sure Jim Rice got into the Hall of Fame for the right reasons. His statistical argument is weak, as he's one of those guys who looks less impressive now that we monitor walks and OBP so closely. I sure don't think he got 23 people to change their minds strictly on merit, not when old farts can use their ballots to blow off Rickey Henderson as a personal fuck-you. I can assure you that stat nerds are not happy about this, especially when adding in Bert Blyleven's continued absence.

But regardless, Jim Rice deserves to be there. I really don't care how he did it. I don't want to know how they make hot dogs. I just want to eat them. The outcome today was the right one.

I only have vague recollections of Jim Ed, three of which I can share:

1. My earliest baseball memory is the first game I ever went to, sometime in 1984 before I really cared about baseball. We sat along the first base line, and I mostly just played with my friend. But the only strong memory I have left is that when it was time to go, sometime around the 6th inning, my friend's dad said we should "wait for Jim Rice to get a hit." I couldn't tell you if he did. I think he did. But I can't say I was very concerned about it. I was pooped.

2. The next time I went to Fenway, I remembered every detail. I'd spent the summer obsessed with baseball cards and the Red Sox. I eventually convinced my mom to take me to the box office so we could pick up some tickets. I can still see the gigantic season schedule that hung above the ticket windows. I was so excited when game day came along... September 7, 1986. Bruce Hurst shut out Minnesota, 9-0. My dad and I sat all the way out in right field, near Pesky's Pole. Bill Buckner hit a home run into our section, a few rows away from us, which blew my little mind. I remember two different putouts at home plate in the same inning, one coming from Wade Boggs at third, the other coming from none other than Jim Rice.

But the highlight of the game, as Baseball Reference's WPA-o-Meter corroborates, was Jim Rice's grand slam into the bullpen. It was the first home run I ever saw. I can still see it in the air, everyone around me standing up to will the ball outwards, the ball flying swiftly into the benches, Fenway rising up. It was a lesson. You could watch a million games, and you'd never understand what it was like to be there. 1986 ended badly, but Jim Ed was in many ways my official introduction to baseball.

3. The infamous incident a couple weeks later when a typical jackass Yankee fan grabbed Rice's hat and tried to shove it down his own pants as Jim Ed chased after him. I remember watching TV38 and the cameras watching Jim, staring this douchebag down until he surrendered the hat. Lots of other folks jumped in, including noted roidbag Roger Clemens. Jim Ed jumping into the stands that day sets the standard for running-into-the-stands behavior. Do it for a good reason, and don't punch nobody. (Future entrants would not follow these ground rules.)

By the time I began paying oh-so-close attention to the game, Jim was washed up. Years' worth of back problems came home to roost. But he was the face of the Boston Red Sox when I became a baseball fan, and still one of the looming figures in the American League. Jim Rice, for me, is my first. He still stands as the ultimate example of right-handed power. And rightly so.

Congratulations, Jim Ed. And make sure your acceptance speech ends with "suck it, Neyer."

James on the BCS

2009-01-08T12:48:00.002-05:00

I'm not much of a college football fan, but I am a fan of statistical analysis, and of Bill James. His piece today on Slate.com sending a big fat shitburger to the BCS is pretty great.

Tampa to Philly: I drink your milkshake!

2009-01-06T09:29:00.006-05:00

I obviously can't speak intelligibly about the Phillies replacing my hero with a suckier, older, more expensive, and less fun version, so instead I'll wrap up my offseason haterade on the matter by simply linking here, which pretty well sums up why they are dumb as a fucking post.

Of course, I'm not supposed to hate on them, having just won the WS and all, but fuck that. This entire matter has been abominably stupid.

Bravo, Rays. Boo Phillies. Boooooo!!!!

PS- Between Price and Burrell, the Rays now employ BOTH of my sports crushes. This is a problem. Help me Austin Jackson, you're our only hope.

Update: I forgot the obligatory link to the brilliance.

A slice of fried gold

2008-12-29T14:00:00.000-05:00

Enjoy this beautiful little glass of haterade, courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber.

The bar @ 11th and Ellsworth went absolutely nuts during this replay.

/awaits 1st round playoff loss
/doesn't care

NFL Playoff Predictions: Favre You Suck Edition

2008-12-29T12:16:00.006-05:00

If I seem at all bitter about yesterday, it's because I am. It probably sucks more as a fan to have your team completely collapse on you, but it's more of an injustice to football that an 11-win team misses out in favor of a completely worthless 8-8 bag of turds. Given what's happened of late in the AFC, with Big Ben's concussion and Tennessee's collapse, I would not have bet against a Matt Cassel team winning three playoff games in a row. Pats/Ravens, Pats/Steelers-without-Big-Ben, Pats/Colts or Pats/Titans... those are all incredibly winnable games. Grrr.

But that's all moot. And besides, it will be fun watching the Chargers lose to the Colts 55-10 at home. So there's a silver lining of schadenfreude to enjoy.

Since the playoffs won't matter much to me, I'll just tell you how they'll turn out. Spoiler alert!!!

NFC

FALCONS over Cardinals
VIKINGS over Eagles

GIANTS over Falcons
VIKINGS over Panthers

GIANTS over Vikings

AFC

COLTS over Chargers
DOLPHINS over Ravens

COLTS over Titans
DOLPHINS over Steelers

COLTS over Dolphins

Super Bowl

COLTS over Giants, capping off the most annoying two weeks in sports media history.

World Champions Attempt To Sign Piece Of Shit, NBA Edition

2008-12-15T15:18:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the Raul Ibanez post...

AW HELL NO YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING

Not quite what I meant

2008-12-05T17:06:00.002-05:00

Some of you may have already been regaled with my new quixotic quest here at work - linking patients and health care purchasers with better, more consistent data on quality of care, so that they can better judge health care providers in making their health care purchasing decisions.

So a site like Vitals.com, which allows patients to rate and publically comment on their health care providers is a nice idea... oh, wait... never mind.

It's a TERRIFIC idea. Holy hell this is SO good.

Bruins Work Up A Number Six On Rest Of NHL

2008-12-02T23:18:00.005-05:00

The Boston Bruins are 16-4-4 through 24 games, tied for first place in the Eastern Conference (with three games in hand on their competition) and second-best in all of hockey. In those 24 games they have lost by more than one goal just once. They were 11-1-1 in November, losing only one game outright out of thirteen. They are 9-1-1 at home, winning their last nine in a row outright.

Their depth chart has gone from "thin" to "overflowing" in a matter of months. Nine forwards are on a pace to score 20 goals, despite disappointing seasons from Michael Ryder, their main free-agent acquisition from the summer, the usually reliable Marco Sturm, who caught fire only after 10-12 games, and Patrice Bergeron, their best forward prior to his head injury last year. (Bergeron has as many even-strength points this season, eight, as fourth-line grinder Stephane Yelle.) The team has barely missed them.

With the veterans struggling to find their scoring touch, the youngsters have taken control of the offense. Rookie winger Blake Wheeler is 2nd on the team in goals, but justifies his ice time by doing more little things than a college kid should know to do. David Krejci and Phil Kessel in particular have made enormous strides this season. The formerly nifty Krejci has become a formidable scorer on rebounds, and is damn near invincible while carrying the puck. Kessel's one-on-one moves are the best on the team, and his wrist shot is as good as there is in the league. And Lucic, despite concentrating on his physical game, is knocking home rebounds and making good on the Cam Neely comparisons. Overnight this team has become immensely talented offensively, far more so than they are credited with due to their defense-first reputation.

As for the defense, with rookie Matt Hunwick's emergence they now have seven reliable blueliners. Andrew Ference was having the season of his life before his injury, eradicating the unreliable, just-barely-good-enough defensive play doubts we'd come to expect from him. Zdeno Chara, Dennis Wideman and Aaron Ward have played their usual bulletproof defense. Mark Stuart, despite being assigned to the third defensive pair, has established himself as a top-four defender. Shane Hnidy is far from the weak link he should be. They could probably use someone good enough to send Hnidy to the bench and Hunwick back to Providence (say, pending UFA Jay Bouwmeester?) but if that doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world.

That's due in large part to their goalies, Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez, who have proven to be damn near unbeatable. The pair has a combined 2.04 GAA and .933 save percentage, each of them sharing in the excessive win totals. Thomas alone has stopped an ungodly 94% of the shots he's faced. Fernandez' frequent play of late could be a prelude to a trade and a Tuukka Rask call-up... but that is probably just wishful thinking, as Fernandez' $4M salary makes him untradeable. Still, you never know. The main thing here is that Thomas has totally won me over as a valid starting goaltender. After three years of the same nutty stats, three years of expecting yet another overachieving Bruin goaltender to fail like they always do, I am a believer. He has had the best season of any Eastern Conference goalie, and he deserves to start the All-Star Game, never mind just taking part.

Claude Julien has certainly put to rest the ridiculous rumors about his departure from New Jersey, has he not? Certain elements of this team's performance (players never taking risks beyond their abilities, the constant churn of new players who fit in without missing a beat, the ridiculously low stats of both goaltenders) make you wonder what Lou Lamoriello could possibly have been thinking when he let Julien go in the middle of a 100-point season. The rap was that Julien wouldn't lead the Devils to playoff wins, but taking Montreal to a seventh game up here, despite significant injuries to Chara and others, sure looks like success to me, especially after the Habs absolutely owned them (8-0-0) during the regular season. The more the Bruins win, the more indefensible Julien's firing appears.

And it goes without saying that this is the first Bruins team since the Bourque/Neely/Oates era that was built to last. Peter Chiarelli has actually fixed this team. For real. No smoke and mirrors, no phony baloney. He pursued talent and keeps it happy. He instilled an organizational theme that the coaches and players have executed. He has re-instilled a sense of pride and dignity to an organization known for its lack of same.

Sidebar
The differences between professional, level-headed Chiarelli and raging prick cocksucker asshole Harry Sinden could not be more dramatic, and could not favor Chiarelli any more strongly. Ahhh, if only the internet had been around during Sinden's heyday. Many an outraged blog post would have been written at his deserving expense. Imagine how pissed he'd have been if he were trying to make his usual trade of a Hall of Famer away for being insolent, when here I come with a hilarious Photoshop of Harry and the player he just traded for:

Or is that his 1997 family reunion? I just don't know.
End sidebar.

Speaking of Herpes Harry, the only level of management that isn't getting a handie from me is ownership. If the Jacobses put all of the above pieces in place, then their success happened entirely by accident. Because we all know it didn't have anything at all to do with the clowns who ruined Boston hockey in the first place. This wonderful revival is happening, like the Indians in Major League, fully in spite of ownership. Let me put it this way: if the Jacobs family funds a cure for cancer, and pays to elevate the entire population of Darfur province to the American middle class, then maybe I'll think about reconsidering them. Maybe. Until them, I hope they get raped by a pack of S&M elephants every morning at 8:30.

While this team is likely to regress at some point for any number of reasons (the young players will slump; the goalies will start letting a few in; the blue line injuries will haunt them) they have nevertheless registered themselves as a legitimate Cup Contender. THe past two seasons of Bruins hockey had looked like the worst of the Neutral Zone Trap All-Stars. But this team is now something far more substantial. The leashes are off.

[photo credit for all B's pics]

Zing of the day

2008-12-02T11:25:00.002-05:00

Courtesy of Philadelphia Eagle Chris Gocong, on this weekend's game against the division leading Giants:

“Well, Plaxico is out and that’s one less bullet for them to fire”

No thanks

2008-11-20T09:46:00.000-05:00

Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck.

"Ibanez, meanwhile, is coming off a season in which he made just $5.5 million, meaning the Phillies conceivably could sign him to a deal that doubles his salary and still have money to sign a solid righthanded bat."

Fuck.

Memo to Philly- Either sign Burrell and be done with it, or use that fucking money to get a pitcher. Lowe would be my first choice.

MVP voters R teh suck

2008-11-19T08:59:00.002-05:00

Ok, I agreed w/ the NL choice completely. Pooholes should probably win 5 or 6 of these things by the time he's done, so long as his body holds up.
That said, Rhino, you know I love you, but you deserved to finish a close second about as much as Bush deserved a second term (ooh! Topical and timely! Sick burn).

In the AL, Pedroia winning just fuels the Massholes through a cold, lonely winter.

/channels Tommy from Quinzee

You who do nawt recawgnize Perdooooya as the one true MVP are nawt true fans!

A quick list of folks who'd have been better than Pedroia:
Mauer
Sizemore
Jeter (kidding)

A quick list of folks who'd have made a better runner up than Rhino:
Utley
Burrell
Hamels
About 10 other guys who play for other teams.

Also - to the two voters who picked Lidge #1: go fuck yourselves.

Philly extra: The 6-story Pinata of doom, revealed!

2008-10-31T16:18:00.002-04:00

Here it is, in all its glory this morning at dawn. We can only hope it's not full of Rayhawked warriors awaiting the coming dark.

As the sun sets...

2008-10-31T16:03:00.007-04:00

Welcome, Deadspin readers.

I'm off to refill my batteries. The freaks come out at night, and before tonight ends, I predict (another) riot.

And a few last ones

2008-10-31T15:13:00.004-04:00

And the Obama chants have started!

Camera totally out of batteries, too bad cause there's some hilarious drunken costumed revelers out there still. Broad Street still totally shut down, and the radio is reporting that the players can't even get off the parade buses to get into the ballpark for the celebration, cause there are too many thousands of people mobbing the buses.

For the last two minutes, directly outside my window, a drunken fool has been standing down a slow-moving firetruck, Tienanmen Square style.

And more...

2008-10-31T13:58:00.005-04:00

More...

2008-10-31T13:10:00.004-04:00

Live from Broad and Spruce

2008-10-31T11:51:00.004-04:00

Here's what's going on outside my window right now.

Us love lamp

2008-10-30T15:26:00.008-04:00

I took this one in the midst of last night's fiasco, taken just outside my building at Broad and Locust. A block away, people were setting fires, breaking in storefronts, and getting their asses beat by police.

Thanks for posting it to the big board, BDD.

Meanwhile, let me just give a shoutout to Father Drunkmas here:

This guy rocked so much it really can't be put into words. He fucking owned that sweater, man.

We did us!

2008-10-30T09:02:00.004-04:00

So that happened.

Last night was nuts. More, including photos and eyewitness accounts from Broad and Locust, later today I hope.

Eamus, Illaphi!

2008-10-29T19:09:00.003-04:00

No need to put your words into my mouth

Don't need convincing at all

I love this place enough to know I have no doubts

Whoa

It's a mess, it's a start

It's a flawed work of art

Your city, your call

Every crack, every wall.

Pick a side, pick a fight

Get your epitaph right

You can sing, 'til you drop

'Cause the fun never stops

Oh, and fuck Bud Selig too.

2008-10-28T09:37:00.001-04:00

“That (expletive deleted) guy,” one pitcher said as he saw commissioner Bud Selig before walking out the back door of the clubhouse. “I wouldn’t let him supervise one of my (bowel movements). He has no clue. Not one (expletive deleted) clue.”

-Michael Radano (h/t 700 level).

Emo Eagles fan post re: suspended world series

2008-10-28T09:28:00.002-04:00

when it all comes crashing down
try to understand your meaning
no one said it would be easy
this living it ain't easy

in which Alex channels his anger at last night's game at a local sportswriter

2008-10-28T09:09:00.005-04:00

Let's take a page from the peerless Fire Joe Morgan, and dissect Bill Conlin's column (at least the first half of it) this morning.

Bill Conlin: On a rainy night in Philly, MLB drops the ball

By Bill Conlin Philadelphia Daily News
Daily News Sports Columnist
'ONE DAY it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain . . . and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath.'' - Forrest Gump, describing Vietnam rain

Yes sir. Very timely reference there. Continue, please.

It began during Rays batting practice, a fine mist with the texture used to moisten indoor plants wilting from low humidity.

These plants wouldn’t happen to be in your living room, where you’re currently typing, would they?

Then it increased - in dribs and drabs, so to speak - to what I fondly call "Chub Feeney Rain."

I’ve already got a Chub Feeney for this column.

It is rain substantial enough to cause umbrellas to pop open in the stands.

Spontaneously, and on their own. I for one welcome our new umbrella overlords.

And play they did. Or at least they got in five and a half disgrace-tainted innings. It was in the low 40s when Cole Hamels delivered his first pitch to Rays leadoff hitter Akinori Iwamura. A keening wind hammered at his well-stretched back.

Bill Conlin has a Chub Feeney for Cole Hamels.

Before the game went totally to watery hell, Shane Victorino ripped a bases-loaded single in the first for a 2-0 lead off lefthander Scott Kazmir.

I picture watery hell as kind of like a sewer, only crowded. Your boatman is Tim McCarver.

Rays first baseman Carlos Pena arose from his profound lumber slumber with a fourth-inning double off the fence in right high enough to bring rain - were it not already raining.

When lumber slumber strikes, ask your doctor about Cialis.

Fellow slumper Evan Longoria sliced the Phils' lead in half with a single to left that raised a rooster tail of spray aquaplaning to Pat Burrell.

WTF?

And by the bottom of the inning and with the KPHL Doppler radar showing that South Philly was on the edge of a curtain of moderate rain - stinging rain, thanks to the blustery wind pushing it - half the crowd was waving rally towels, half was drying their faces with them. Not even Forrest Gump himself would play in that kind of weather.

Forrest Gump, however, was not a baseball player. He was a soldier. And soldiers don’t really get to choose the conditions in which they “play”. Hence the term, “soldier on”, which is precisely what the players, the umps, and the fans did. Also… “curtain of moderate rain”? That’s one hell of an oxymoron there. If, someday, I find myself in “watery hell”, I’m gonna be one disappointed damned soul if the rain is only moderate.

Kazmir walked Ryan Howard and Burrell, then left with a pitch count of 103. Longoria stood uncomfortably in a growing puddle behind third base.

Like a child, abandoned by his father at the tender age of 9, waiting for a school bus that he has already missed.

The basepaths were turning into glop. The mound was a skating rink.

Rain + dirt = glop ≠ ice. Try again.

An army of ground-crew ants scurried out with bags of quick-dry clay and tried to stem Mother Nature's onslaught.

Wait, this is Mother Nature’s fault? I thought it was Chub Feeney’s? I’m so confused.

Phillies fan and climatologist extraordinary (sic) Joe Bastardi

Yes, this is actually the guy’s name. In a world of Storm Phoenixes and Hurricane Schwartz, Joe Bastardi stands alone.

had fired off an angry 6:30 p.m. update to his blog on AccuWeather's professional site under the headline: "Cancel the Game Tonight."
Bastardi wrote there was no way in hell or Sea World the rain would let up.

Apparently, Sea World is now some sort of weather control machine. At last, we can harvest the arcane power of dolphins to mist our houseplants! Bwa-hahahaha!

Indeed, a rapidly developing coastal storm off the Mid-Atlantic States had slowed the progress of a massive upper low funneling cold air across the Great Lakes.

I am 100% certain that this sentence is directly plagiarized from some online weather reportage site.

Result: The worst weather fiasco in World Series history and another stain on the boobs who run the cash-obsessed national pastime.

I’m not so sure… the midge game in the 2007 ALDS might have this one beat. Or, you know, the 1989 world series, if earthquakes and insect infestations count as weather.

Bastardi's take: "Cancel the game tonight, and even tomorrow, and then play this when it's warmer, less windy and there is not precip in the air. It's the World Series, for goodness sakes . . . "

Um, like when, May? This is Philly. Rain, 40 degrees, and windy is the best we’re gonna do for the next six months.

Tell that to the used-car salesman running baseball and a Fox network paranoid over the prospect of being forced to play a Friday night makeup game, when America is off watching high school football in thousands of towns.

High school football: ruining America’s pastime one Friday at a time. Look, when you’re this concerned about the effect that a high school sport will have on your sport’s championship, your sport has already lost.

With two outs in the sixth, a trained seal named Hamels was pitching while surrounded by an infield closer to an Everglade than major league.
Now Conlin has a Chub Feeney for seals. Someone alert PETA.

Moyer can us

2008-10-27T09:12:00.002-04:00

In case you needed another reason to love Jamie Moyer.

"Our toilet seat should go to the Hall of Fame."

We Can Us

2008-10-27T08:49:00.004-04:00

Best play ever.

PS - Joe Maddon, you know you're allowed to let Price pitch, right? Like, he's sitting right there. He brought his glove and everything.

This is NOT beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever

2008-10-22T18:58:00.011-04:00

Ok, here we go. 1 hour before game 1 starts, and I find myself joining my adopted Philly brethren as a total nervous wreck. My love for the Phillies is what it is: Confused, two-timing, and different, yet there it remains. While I don't feel the attachment to them that I have to the Yankees, the altered reality that has been Philadelphia this October has rubbed off on me. All of a sudden, Philly seems like a place where everything isn't always content with being just good enough. We don't always have to lose. I find myself dreaming about scenarios where this attitude is brought to bear on the city's real problems: corruption, filth, poverty, violence, despair.

Maybe I'm putting too much on the shoulders of athletes. But in a city where the new (in every sense of the word) Mayor is raffling off his box seats, I feel, for the first time in all my years here, a sense that anything is possible. The audacity of hope, if you will.

In lieu of any attempt at rational analysis, I'll simply say this:

(Thanks PhillyPhellas, via Daulerio)

Now THIS is marketing

2008-10-20T11:05:00.006-04:00

Big ups to the marketing wizards at Philly.com, for meeting the massive public need for Chase Utley masturbatory aids.

Junior Chase's Chicks across the 5 county area are rejoicing this morning.

WS, the DH, and David Price

2008-10-20T10:07:00.006-04:00

So, the Phillies date is set with the Rays, starting Wednesday night.
I can unequivocally say that I have never felt anywhere near this excited about a series that doesn't involve los junkees. The Phillies are awesome, Philadelphia is awesome, and made even more so when the Phillies are awesome. Yes, get used to that level discourse, as I am utterly incapable of rational analysis of the Phillies right now. I have tickets to game 3, in Philly Saturday, and will be witnessing postseason baseball in person for the first time. Ever. Suffice to say that I have never seen anything in Philadelphia like last Wednesday night, when they closed out the NLCS. Check it (first video - and note the brief celebrity couple sighting). Philadelphia fans can be positive. Who knew?

So... on to the analysis...

Lots of hemming and hawing around Philadelphia this week, about what to do in the World Series games in Tampa, where they will have to appoint a DH. Against left handed pitchers, the choice is pretty clear - Greg Dobbs, or Jenkins (with Dobbs playing 3B). Against righties, it's really unclear - possibly the 30 year 0ld rookie, Chris Coste (which should also involve adding a 3rd catcher just in case).

Anyway, Philly writers are all aflutter with the possibilities, and of course some are using this moment to break out the anti-DH soapbox. While I find these arguments tired and pretentious (nautral beauty of the game? fuck you), I find myself agreeing with their position more and more over the years, even if I hate the way they build their case.

More importantly, this remarkably useless column led me to a totally fascinating story about how the DH was voted down in the NL, which I had never heard:

"At least real baseball is still alive in the National League, and for that, we can thank former Phillies owner Ruly Carpenter, who was fishing on the Atlantic Ocean one day in 1977 when the DH came up for a vote among the NL teams. (The American League had begun playing with a designated hitter in 1973.)

Carpenter instructed then-executive vice president Bill Giles, who would be representing the Phillies at the meeting, to vote in favor of adding the designated hitter in the National League. The Phillies had two very good hitters in the organization, Greg Luzinkski and minor-leaguer Keith Moreland, neither one of whom could catch a cold.

"But when I got to the meeting, I was informed that even if it passed, the DH would not become effective until the [following] season because the players' union had to approve it," Giles said, in the book Change Up: An Oral History of 8 Key Events That Shaped Baseball.

"The National League needed seven votes [out of 12] to pass the DH. There were six teams in favor and four against when the vote came around to Philadelphia and Pittsburgh," Giles said. "Harding Peterson, general manager of Pittsburgh, was told by owner John Galbraith to vote the same way as the Phillies because the teams were big rivals at the time. I tried to reach Ruly by phone but was told that he was out on the ocean fishing."
Not sure if the year's delay would affect Carpenter's opinion, Giles abstained, which counted as a no vote, and so did the Pirates. The addition of the DH was defeated by a single vote. It was never brought up for vote again."

I'm so proud to live in Pennsylvania.

Also: David Price was absolutely tits last night. If he's going to sling around fastballs and his own testicles with that kind of dominance, holy shit, the AL East is in serious fucking trouble. I'm a little afraid of how much affection I have for Price. He looks like a cuddler, that Price. I like that, I like to be held, I like to be pampered. Wait, what?

This is my BOOMSTICK

2008-10-14T11:25:00.004-04:00

Update (10/15): pleasepleaseplease let this happen.

This is my BOOMSTICK

2008-10-14T11:25:00.000-04:00

In Which Crazy Jeff Focuses His Anger

2008-10-09T01:05:00.005-04:00

I've decided something.

In the last six and a half years, I've accrued three Super Bowls, two World Series titles, and an NBA championship. I've had it good. And as such, I've dispensed with a lot of deep-seated hatred along the way. It's hard to get too worked up about the Lakers or the Yankees or the Colts when you know your team can take them, or has taken them recently.

The only bastion of bile remaining in my sports universe is the NHL. But my options are limited there. We all know the Bruins won't win the Stanley Cup until I'm shitting into a plastic bag (against my will, that is)... with that off the table, what is there for me to root for?

A playoff series victory? Why bother? I'll just end up pissed when they lose in the second round. Give that good feeling to a tough-luck franchise like the Panthers or the Sabres.

Regular season points champion? Seen it... always followed by a prompt playoff exit. Thanks, but no thanks.

There's really just one thing that I want to see. One thing that I know will warm my heart when I go to sleep, and motivate me to get out of bed every morning. One thing that any hockey fan smart enough to tie his own shoes can get behind:

I want every single Philadelphia Flyer to contract botulism and die.

Yes, this is my new quest... rooting for none of the Flyers to make it out of the 2008-09 season alive.

Why? Obvious:

Fuck those clowns. Fuck those cowardly fucking pussies. WE'VE SEEN THIS THREE TIMES NOW FROM PHILLY!!! With two more to come. They are the most despicable sports team to exist during my lifetime.

The real problem, of course, is that their fat, drooling, mouth-breathing fans enable this shit. Flyers fans are, by a country mile, the stupidest fans in major professional sports. And that's including Raiders fans! They've had an awful rough time of it since the 70's, so it's OK to literally attempt to murder the opposing team. Fucking retards. But I won't bother wishing botulism on the citizens of Philadelphia. Living there is punishment enough.

Okay, okay, I'll back off. Mike Knuble... you are hereby pardoned from botulism contraction! Enjoy your summer, Michael, cause you're all right by me.

Further, I will accept major paralysis of the quadriplegic variety as a substitute for death, if absolutely necessary. Maybe I don't actually wish them dead. But the botulism is a requirement. They need to have botulism, and they need to have it as soon as possible. If you want to ramp up to botulism and start small, with some kind of intestinal disease that causes The Shits, that's also okay. But eventually we need to have botulism, paralysis, and mass retirements.

And Philly fans can look on the bright side when my dreams come true: if your dirtbag ass-licking Flyers all die on you, they'll call up the Phantoms to the big leagues... and they'll be a better team! Everybody wins!

So... who's comin' with me?

(Seriously though, I wish only the most painful manners of death upon the Flyers.)

Alex Ovechkin Bids For Jeff's Undying Love, But He Already Had It

2008-10-03T18:43:00.001-04:00

Man. Sometimes I really, really hate my decision to return to the Bruins from the Capitals. The Caps are the best and deepest young team in the NHL, they play an exciting brand of hockey, and they have the best player in the world leading the way. What's not to love? Not that I would have seen any greater successes if I'd continued my boycott of all things Bruin, but it seems like it's a much better time to be a Caps fan. They even revived a blood feud with the truly despicable Flyers, the only sincerely evil team in sports. We hate the same teams! It's like I was meant for them!

This, folks, might be the last straw. They look like they're having so much fun, nobody more than AO. He is, hands down, the perfect athlete. Impossibly clutch, impossibly talented, impossibly hard-working, and, more importantly, impossibly joyful. And real.

Jealous, when looking at the Bruins' top six forwards, does not begin to describe it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.

(And there's no way Jeremy Jacobs would have sprung for free Six Flags for thirty guys. That's like $1500!)

Newcastle United Interim Manager Bids For Jeff's Undying Love

2008-10-03T11:57:00.001-04:00

Best press conference ever. If only they all went like this...

Massholes On Parade: Miami Beatdown Edition

2008-09-23T09:45:00.004-04:00

I know... it's a crazy thought. And I'd never question the loyalty or intelligence of my fellow Boston sports fans.

But the fans at Gillette Stadium on Sunday, fans haven't seen a loss in that stadium since November 2006, and only two losses at all (in the Conference final and the Super Bowl) in that same timespan, booed their shorthanded team at the halftime break. Yep, with an NFL-record 21-game regular season winning streak intact, they got booed off the field. Marvelous.

I've been saying (privately of course) that Cassel and the Pats will be fine, and will make the playoffs despite the Brady injury. But they are capable of losing each game that remains on their schedule. Every single one. And they will lose at least another 5 or 6 of them, just as they did on Sunday. It's what happens when you don't have Tom Brady. Get used to it.

The spoiled pricks at Gillette would do well to remember that poor efforts will happen on occasion. After last season, they are not entitled to ANYTHING. Spouting this arrogant, "we paid our hard-earned money" nonsense is not an acceptable excuse. You don't deserve shit above what anyone else does. Get over yourself.

But while handing out craps to Pats fans, let's hand out some snaps... shockingly, to Ellis Hobbs and the hero turn his mouth just made. I've absolutely hated Hobbs as a player since his arrival. He's the epitome of the guy who's all bark and no bite, who can't back up all the trash he talks. He's a shitty cornerback, though he appears to be much improved this season. But for talking trash to Pats fans, and actually using the word "spoiled" in doing so, he gets my unwavering support. Bravo. I never would have pegged him as the guy with a clue, but good for him.

Weapon X = soulja boy

2008-09-22T10:23:00.002-04:00

Last week, Brian Dawkins looked totally washed up. Utterly unable to cover any of Dallas' receivers, and just slow slow slow.

Yesterday, Dawkins made something of a statement, as he laid out, fully horizontal, at shoulder height, from a fucking standstill. He came down and tomahawk chopped Ben Rongrastname's hand into oblivion, knocking him out of the game, and recovering the fumble to seal the win.

That play epitomized Dawkins career - he's NEVER been that great a cover guy. No, he's best when turned loose to attack the shit out of the QB, or roam free in the secondary, ready to apply his particular brand of justice to an opponent.

And so I say, Free Weapon X. Let Groo do what Groo does best, and leave actually covering people to Lito, Sheldon, and Asante.

Also: Trent Cole is a bad, bad man who is going to kill someone soon.

George Brett: The King Of Pants-Crapping

2008-09-19T15:18:00.003-04:00

I'm just gonna let this speak for itself. NSFW by any stretch of the imagination.

[h/t]

Rambling about the Rhino

2008-09-17T12:58:00.006-04:00

Last night, Ryan Howard put the Phillies ahead for good in a no-pitching, back and forth game v. the Braves. Facing Atlanta's closer w/ 1 on, 2 outs, in the 8th, he launched an opposite field homer.

It was his 8th homer in 12 games thus far in September. He has something like 22 RBIs in those games, and is hitting .400. As a direct result, the Phillies have made up a 3 game deficit and now sit atop the NL East.

Rhino struggles every spring, and comes to life as the weather heats up. Then he struggles again a bit when it gets REALLY hot, then mashes again as September arrives and the air cools. This is not news, and he's hardly alone among oversized sluggers in this regard.

Still, it's awesome to watch him when he's this locked in. Many are calling for MVP consideration. To them I say, STFU, you idiots. He's got 45 HR and 138 RBI, which would be convincing if he weren't OBPing about .330 and OPSing more than 200 points below the mark he set two years ago, when he won the MVP. His .873 OPS is pretty close to average for a 1B (I think), and nowhere near what you'd want to see out of an MVP 1B who sports a glove made of granite. Those counting stats are more due to his position as cleanup hitter on one of the best offesive teams in baseball (Phils are 2nd in runs scored in the NL, trailing the Cubs).

So yes, Rhino's hitting better than anyone in the world right now. Be glad for that, Philly, and be glad that yet again the city is poised to be electrified by a race October. Leave the MVP talk for fans with nothing more important to care about.

Final thought - why the hell would ANYONE pitch to Rhino in the situation above? Or really, ever?

Pat the Bat's OPS in September = .569! August = .618
Rhino in September = 1.448.

Final thought- Rhino's a classic three true outcomes player (as is Pat)... HR, K, or BB. What would the three true outcomes of drinking be?
I'll go with Sex, Vomit, Pass Out. The first is awesome, and worthy of celebration (HR), the second is horrible and worthy of scorn and derision (K), and the third is sort of neutral - you're boring, but at least you're not hurting the cause.

You're on thin ice, insulin-boy

2008-09-15T16:34:00.003-04:00

Last night, Jay Cutler's late game performance in the red zone was laughably bad. Unless you're a Broncos fan, who's had to endure 8 or so years of watching Jake the Snake and Griese get our hopes up before slamming the door right in our faces with yet another mind-numbingly, baffling interception/fumble/sack, wrenching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Last night, Jay had me screaming at the TV louder than I have in a long, long time. Last night, Jay Cutler was let off the hook by some NBA-level shitty officiating (thank you, Captain Pythons), and an assist by Mike Shanahan, who is the dumbest/most exciting coach in the league (disclosure - I'd have made the same call - neither team could stop the other at ALL defensively at that point in the game, so why take a 50/50 chance when a two point conversion is all but automatic?).

Today, Jay Cutler remains on thin ice. Mostly for shitting the bed completely, twice, in the same 5 minute span. But also for this.

Jay, I award you four extra candy bars and no extra insulin for your effort. Taste the pain, bitch.

Continuing My Triumphant Return To Homerism

2008-09-12T17:50:00.002-04:00

Check out those guns!

While his physique is certainly staggering, as are the stories Pat Murphy tells in the above link, neither Dustin Pedroia's glistening biceps nor Murphy's expletive-laden war stories are as staggering as the statistic reported today in the Globe's Extra Bases blog:

Here’s one of the coolest stats you’ll see this year: Dustin Pedroia has swung the bat 1,114 times this season. He has connected with 1,027 pitches and missed 87. Think about that. It’s the best percentage in the majors this season.

The stat is repeated in a Pedroia feature in the main paper. As it should be. Yikes. You'd think a stat like that would be evidence of below-average plate discipline, except that he has 45 walks... mediocre, but only 7 fewer than the Greek God of Walks himself. I'd like to see some other whiff figures, just to see who else is in competition, but regardless it's awfully impressive.

On Dan Iassogna's Heartbreaking Mental Handicap

2008-09-11T18:01:00.001-04:00

We haven't given King Kaufman a good blow lately, so let's:

ESPN's announcing crew immediately decided that the umpire had made the correct call. They were able to determine this by leveraging their complete lack of understanding about the rule.

Oh, yes. I don't know that I agree with Kaufman, but how can anyone not agree with Rick Sutcliffe having no idea what he's talking about? God. Enough of the empty sound bites.

Speaking of the game, last night was one of the worst-umpired games I've seen in a long, long time. That was vintage shit, 1999 ALCS shit, Duke vs. Maryland in the Final Four shit. I don't want to hear any crap about the Red Sox benefitting from calls or being favored by the powers that be after last night. That was the most crucial game of the year and they got fucked royally and totally.

Never mind the grounder that Jacoby Ellsbury beat out, but was called out on, in the 9th inning... a bang-bang play that should have scored the winning run. I'll forgive that. And never mind the fan interference call. That could have gone the Sox' way, but it was an understandable call.

The real problem is Dan Iassogna's strike zone. I haven't been this pissed about an ump since the pre-Series days. That clown made two or three of the worst strikes calls I've ever seen. I haven't seen such an obviously, overtly laughable strike zone since Durwood Merrill was in rotation. I legitimately screamed out laughing at a strike he called on Jed Lowrie in the 6th or 7th. The pitch was a good 5-6 inches outside AND high. #1 on my all-time list, with a bullet.

These were not borderline judgment calls. This was, like, expressing disdain for the entire system of balls and strikes. The entire foundation of that baseball game was rendered illegitimate by that prick.

Most telling to me, as a Masshole, was that Sox play-by-play announcer Don Orsillo, who always steers clear of umpire criticism, was laughing when obvious outside pitches were not called for strikes. Orsillo and Remy are generally very diplomatic when it comes to calls and umpired. Openly mocking the umpire is way out of character, particularly for Orsillo.

I have to imagine the Rays were hurt by his mental defect as well. But when you watch Andy Sonnanstine strike out the side with three laughably bullshit third strikes in a row, it's hard to believe they were damaged to the same extent.

Iassogna gets an F-, no points, and a God U Suck for that strike zone. Umpires NEVER screw up this horrendously nowadays, not since the union was busted up a few years back, and not since Questec was installed. Does he not know Sandy Alderson was watching, and now has enough evidence to can his ass for incompetence?

I hope Alderson did watch that game, and I hope he sends a report to Iassogna (in braille). I honestly believe, in this era, that he should be fired for that one performance. It was that bad.

The Devil Rays Own My Ass; Gotta Cheer Up Somehow

2008-09-11T15:26:00.000-04:00

After all the ridicule, but also after his recent winning streak began, some people seem ready to give Carl Pavano a break. I'm not ready just yet. Especially not after Chris pointed this ESPN factoid out to me:

Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano is undefeated when he pitches on 501 days of rest.

Well, when you put it that way! Still, in the end, I'm thinking that Brian Cashman will probably regret the Pavano contract.

Bonus: compare Pavano's Yankee win total (7) for $40 million to that of Aaron Small (10) for three months at league minimum! What fun.

Granny > LeBron

2008-09-04T10:53:00.003-04:00

This is awesome. The crazy flips and whatnot sound cool and all, but there is no greater way to finish off a flawless victory that the Granny, the ultimate finishing move.

LeBron, your new nickname is Granny. Enjoy.

On closer inspection...

2008-09-04T08:52:00.001-04:00

I still think instant replay is a bad idea.

A Dick Slap for the Ages

2008-08-29T09:04:00.001-04:00

This is the best thing you'll read all day (other than Obama's speech, maybe).

He's BAAAAACK

2008-08-19T14:47:00.003-04:00

REEEEEEEEEE!!!!

RRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

(8/22) Update: RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

These ain't Jesse Owens' Olympics

2008-08-19T09:41:00.003-04:00

Davis Phinney, ex-cycler, speaking about his experience at the Olympics with his son, Taylor (who competed in pursuit cycling):

"the reason I'm on such a buzz is we got into the Olympic Village. It's very restricted and even parents, even Olympic parents, can't get in there more than once. But just to be there in that realm where there are all these athletes -- it's like going to a superior planet. There are all these tall, sculpted, beautiful people walking around, and that's where I got the sense that these are Taylor's people now. This is his tribe. My tribe is the Parkinson's group. His tribe is Olympians."

That is creepy as all hell.

Ocho Cinco's Attempt to Get On America's Good Side Again

2008-08-13T14:54:00.000-04:00

Chad Johnson, better known as Ocho Cinco, wants to wear the name "Ocho Cinco" on the back of his uniform instead of "Johnson." But the NFL prohibits players from putting anything but their last names on the backs of their jerseys.

This rule leaves a rational person only one option. But it leaves Ocho Cinco another option.

Jesus, if you're out there, and you love football, then please, please, please make this happen...

Well, that was fun

2008-08-07T09:36:00.002-04:00

It's August 7th, and I'm ready to give up on the Yankees' season. Let's not be hasty the rest of the way - let the young kids heal (Joba, Kennedy, Hughes), let the oldsters rest up (Posada), and call this season a wash.

Our revenue is slated to double (DOUBLE) next year with the opening of the new stadium, up to around 600M or so. That's a spicy meatball. We should be able to buy whatever piece or two we need, but the key is the healthy development of our young arms.

Speaking of which, there is NO WAY Joba's not wearing a girdle here. Click, if you dare.

A raised fist for the 2000's

2008-08-06T09:49:00.000-04:00

With the Olympics beginning, and Joey Cheek, founder of Team Darfur, a collection of olympic athletes dedicated to raising awareness of the atrocities in Sudan, barred from visiting China to support his teammates and speak out, I've been thinking of other ways that the athletes can make a statement, a la Tommie Smith and John Carlos in 1968.

I think that Hope Solo ripping off her jersey to reveal a shirt saying "Free Darfur" would be pretty good. I think Kobe throwing down a slam, dropping trou, and revealing a tattoo saying, "China, tell me how your genocide tastes" would be better, but probably hard to read.

Wounds Taste Better When They're Salty

2008-07-29T15:05:00.000-04:00

Not that one needs to enumerate the ways in which Renaldo Balkman was a disastrous moment in Knicks history... but check out the BDL Update at the bottom:

On the board at #20 in the 2006 NBA draft, where the Knicks selected Renaldo Balkman: Rajon Rondo, Marcus Williams, Kyle Lowry, Jordan Farmar, Sergio Rodriguez, Craig Smith, Boobie Gibson, Paul Millsap and Leon Powe.

Yikes. It's one thing to point out (again) that Isiah Thomas turned down all those point guards, which has always been the big story of the Balkman selection. But the thing that's so deeply thrilling in retrospect is how Balkman compares to other tweener-3/4 players like Smith, Millsap and Powe. Those latter three grew into dangerous NBA rebounders and inside scorers. Thomas' pick hasn't developed beyond the hustle-player level. Brilliant!

Vengeance Now!

2008-07-24T16:30:00.000-04:00

Today, I became a man again. Today, I stopped hiding from reality, from truth. Today, the world will resumed its spin about the poles.
.
Today, I restored all my NFL-related RSS feeds to my newsreader.

The pride is back.

(Of course, if I discover 18 posts in one feed, and just 1 in another, I'm going to delete them all over again. And the pride will be gone again.)

Still the one

2008-07-23T14:22:00.001-04:00

With all the talk about K-Rod's race to the all-time single season saves record, and with the Yankees (ahem) struggles this season*, it's been pretty easy to overlook the season that Mo Rivera's having.
44.1 IP, 26 H, 6 R, 2 HR, 4 BB, 53 K, 1.22 ERA, 0.68 WHIP, .169 BAA.
That is straight-up absurd. To put it another way, every single one of those numbers is on pace for the best mark of his career. His greatest-reliever-of-all-time career. Even though I doubt he can keep this up, it's still nice to take a moment and realize that we're watching a man ply his trade better than anyone else has, ever.

*Not really struggling

Tim Lincecum Will Rip His Own Shoulder Off

2008-07-03T00:55:00.000-04:00

Tim Lincecum of the Giants is the best young power righty in baseball. Giants fans ADORE him... because the team knocks $1 off LF bleacher prices for each strikeout he posts. I had the pleasure of watching him in person when I went out west recently, and he can sling it.

He is almost exactly my size. This article explains how that's possible. The third page wins, for delving into the physics required to pitch a baseball 90 MPH, and what that means for the human body:

"Rick, do you know what that means in g-forces?" the doctor asked.

"I have no idea."

"If your entire body was accelerated at that rate of speed for over 60 seconds you would die."

GAAAAAAAAAAH. Lincecum's size and delivery has had scouts thinking "torn labrum" for ages... turns out his delivery is actually more efficient, physically speaking. (Scouts wrong? You don't say! Next you'll tell me they were wrong about Derek Jeter's defense, you silly person.)

NBA Draft

2008-06-27T19:27:00.003-04:00

Goddamn, this is one wacky game show.

I missed the draft. But considering all the trades that went down, it makes just as much sense to sift through the leaves instead of taking Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Then again, everyone loves Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. (Two... two Mallrats jokes! Ah ah ah!)

So, thought I'd have a quick, half-assed looksy at some winners and losers, taking trades into account as best I can:

WINNERS

TRAIL BLAZERS
This roster is absolutely TERRIFYING right now from a youth and potential perspective. Roy, Aldridge, Webster, Oden, Outlaw and Frye are all going to demand your attention in some way. Now they've added a stud point guard prospect to hold it all together. And it's not like the Blazers have a lot of recent busts. This team is going somewhere big.

Their GM, Kevin Pritchard, is doing as good a job of NBA management as I've ever seen. They're doing with their youth what the Celtics were supposed to do with all of theirs... i.e., win with it, not trade it all away for 30-somethings... piles of youngsters instead of piles of money. There's something to be said for the organic approach. Huge, HUGE props to Pritchard for doing it the right way. (So far.)

TIMBERWOLVES
Basketball is relevant again in Minnesota. O.J. Mayo kind of addressed a need, but they needed depth more than talent. When you can get the guy you're after (Kevin Love), AND pick up a legitimate perimeter scorer in Mike Miller, AND dump both Marko Jaric and Antoine Walker... you do it. This team might actually be free of their post-KG misery.

PACERS
When I saw Jerryd Bayless had fallen to them at #11, I assumed they'd won the draft. Turning him into two valuable players in Jarrett Jack and Brandon Rush was just as huge a move. Of course, they also drafted Dr. Hibbert, which seems to be the comedy moment of the draft. (I would have shit a gold brick if they'd drafted both Dr. Hibbert and Superintendent Chalmers.)

CLIPPERS
They were supposed to trade up to #4. But the Sonics surprised everyone by taking Westbrook, which in turn led the Clippers' guy (Eric Gordon) into their hands. Well-played. Now there's no pressure on Shaun Livingston to regain his form right away. Unless Eric Gordon pulls a Khalid El-Amin and gets season tickets to the In 'N Out Burger...

NETS
Wow. Douglas-Roberts at #40 is a second-round wet dream. Ryan Anderson and Brook Lopez are front-court depth at worst, which won't hurt. And they ditched the monstrously overrated and replaceable Richard Jefferson. If they can do something about the cancerous Vince Carter, they might just have a real team again...

RAPTORS
Simply having Jose Calderon on the floor 40 minutes a night and letting Jermaine O'Neal distract a defender or two from Chris Boshgives them more value than T.J. Ford and the #17 had. Well done.

RUSSELL WESTBROOK
This incomplete motherfucker owes Rajon Rondo half his salary for the next three years.

LOSERS

KNICKS
Lehr covers this angle about as well as possible from the fan perspective. And I love a good draft-day boo as much as anyone. But these things can just as easily become infamous as expressive.

In this case, there are several things missing from the equation:

1) They're booing the fact that Walsh and D'Antoni passed on the fourth PG on the board in a draft with only two great point guards (Rose, Mayo), neither of whom were available to New York. The Westbrook/Bayless/Augustin/Gordon group could have gone in any random order from 3 to 6... and in many ways, they did. We're booing people who don't settle for the bronze now? No wonder we lose the Olympics every year.

2) The Knicks need EVERYTHING. No team in the draft was in "best player available" mode more than New York.

3) Just because Knick fans boo doesn't mean they made the wrong move (see Balkman, Renaldo and Frye, Channing)

4) Name ONE person whose hands you'd rather have Gallinari in than Mike D'Antoni. If this guy's got it, Euro expert D'Antoni will get it. Worst case, they're probably getting Boris Diaw, whom one must admit is an awfully nifty player.

But boo them anyway. Fuck 'em. Makes for great TV!

GRIZZLIES
That they're losers, despite landing O.J. Mayo and dumping Brian Cardinal, is a testament to how shoddily their roster is built right now. Four point guards, and no forwards of note (for the right reason) besides Rudy Gay. They're like the bizarro Hawks, except that the Memph also have zero leadership. Their current veteran leadership? Antoine Walker. This is not how one teaches O.J. to pass the rock.

Also, they missed out on a big opportunity, according to the Sports Guy:

5:23: Just took a quick look through reader e-mails from the past hour and everyone seems to agree: We're all excited for the Gay-Love Era in Memphis.

It's official: worse than the Pau Gasol trade.

BOBCATS
What the hell are these guys thinking? Augustin?!? And a project at center? We know how well Larry Brown works with projects. What a nightmare. Given that Michael Jordan's in charge, this doesn't surprise me in the least.

BUCKS
Richard Jefferson? Are you guys even trying anymore?!? Not that Simmons/Jianlian is a king's ransom or anything, but christ. And the guy from West Virginia? You suck. Revive the "Simmons for GM" cries.

CHRIS DOUGLAS-ROBERTS
Is this the Five O'Clock Free 2-Guard Giveaway?

SONICS
Because fuck 'em, that's why.

STEPHEN A. SMITH
This, of course, is the best thing about any NBA draft:

QUITE FRANKLY, EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT!!!

So that happened

2008-06-27T07:53:00.000-04:00

I have nothing but love for my fellow NYers today. Last night, as predicted, they used the grand stage that is the NBA draft to boo the living shit out of the franchise.

As expected, the Knicks drafted Danilo Galinari, and while ESPN noted that the fans were booing cause they hadn't seen him play yet, make no mistake. This was the fans booing management for the last decade of utter incompetence. Unless they had served up jerked Eddy Curry on a spit, served by Starbury in a gimp suit, the fans weren't going to be appeased.

As for Danilo, aka the Big Cock, he looked terrified. Take it easy, Big Cock, and heed these words:

"Walking tall machine gun man
They spit on me in my homeland
Gloria, sent me pictures of my boy
Got my pills 'gainst mosquito death
My buddy's breathing his dyin' breath
God please, won't you help me make it through"

The "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes" Remix

2008-06-25T12:33:00.003-04:00

Every now and again, a song comes along that grabs onto the nation's consciousness and never lets go. This is true not only in modern times, with addictive songs like "Umbrella" or "Crazy," but dating back to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and even to the likes of Louis Armstrong and Benny Goodman. All it takes is one great line, and you've got America by the throat.

Nowadays, that one great line is "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes."

Shaq may have killed the high-flying Phoenix Suns, one of my favorite teams ever, but this nearly makes up for it.

That one simple line just kills me. Tell me how my ass tastes. It's got amazing staying power. Like Beetlejuice and "The Exorcist," it keeps getting funnier every single time I hear it.

Until recently, I wasn't particularly against Kobe Bryant winning another title. I wouldn't be happy for him, but I wouldn't be, like, Bruce-Bowen-wins-again angry about it. But now, with the prospect of this one song being Kobe's legacy, I will root against him for the rest of my life. When Kobe retires, I want to see Shaq's freestyle featured prominently in the SportsCenter montage.

(P.S. Compare and contrast remixes.)

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

2008-06-24T14:12:00.002-04:00

France's elimination from Euro 2008, in part the result of a total lack of offense, gives the French more than enough reason to consider Rémi Gaillard for the national side in 2010...

(via kottke)

Same shit, different coach

2008-06-24T09:29:00.001-04:00

From Chad Ford's latest mock draft column:
"The latest buzz has the Knicks talking to Memphis about a deal that would send David Lee and the expiring contract of Malik Rose to Memphis for No. 5 and Cardinal."

I feel like the dude in the video for Metallica's "One".
On the hospital bed, praying for death, unable to scream.

NBA Finals Game 4: Bravo

2008-06-12T23:54:00.007-04:00

The great thing is that when they were down 24, I thought to myself, "they could still do this. Not playing like this, but it could happen." And then it did. What a night.

So many heroes. Ray Allen turns in another unsung performance, culminating in embarrassment on national television for Sasha "The Machine" Vujacic. Paul Fucking Pierce shutting Kobe Bryant the fuck down. James Posey showing his pedigree. And let's not forget Eddie HOUUUUUUUUSE!

Man oh man. I'm still clapping, and the game's been over for two hours.

While y'all in the clappin' mood...

...let's do something I may never get to do again: congratulate Doc Rivers on a phenomenal coaching job.

/blog explodes
//explodes with delight, that is!

Full marks to Doc tonight. This is his masterpiece. His rotations in the 2nd half were masterful... sticking with House, giving Posey huge minutes despite the 5 fouls, keeping Sam Cassell holstered, playing Allen the whole game. And he certainly kept his team focused and even-keeled, despite the 24-point deficit.

But above all else, let's talk about Doc putting Pierce on Kobe. It may have been Pierce's idea, but it was Doc's call. And since I'm feeling pretty generous, I'll let him take credit for that.

Enjoy tonight, Doc Rivers. Enjoy the glow of your masterpiece. Because by tomorrow, I'm going to forget any of this ever happened.

Donaghy = Omar?

2008-06-11T08:47:00.002-04:00

Is it just me, or does Stern come off exactly like smarmy Maury Levy in this one?

Of course, Omar is approximately 1000x cooler than Donaghy, but still, that can be chalked up to hollywood. Bubbles is about 1000x cooler than the average heroin addict too.

Far from a vague accusation, his statement is pretty damning. Here's the relevant piece:

"Referees A, F and G were officiating a playoff series between Teams 5 and 6 in May of 2002. It was the sixth game of a seven-game series, and a Team 5 victory that night would have ended the series. However, Tim learned from Referee A that Referees A and F wanted to extend the series to seven games. Tim knew referees A and F to be "company men," always acting in the interest of the NBA, and that night, it was in the NBA's interest to add another game to the series. Referees A and F heavily favored Team 6. Personal fouls [resulting in obviously injured players] were ignored even when they occurred in full view of the referees. Conversely, the referees called made-up fouls on Team 5 in order to give additional free throw opportunities for Team 6. Their foul-calling also led to the ejection of two Team 5 players. The referees' favoring of Team 6 led to that team's victory that night, and Team 6 came back from behind to win that series."

This, of course, was the Ralph Nader game.

Now, I don't actually expect anything real to come of this, and maybe it shouldn't. Donaghy is certainly a pretty reprehensible character. That said, the Nader game, and others, still fail the smell test, and I can't really be a full fan of the NBA until they convince me the officiating is on the up and up. Until then, my reaction to accusations like Donaghy's will be to believe them until proven otherwise.

Lucic	Savard	Kessel
Wheeler	Krejci	Ryder
Axelsson	Bergeron	Recchi
Thornton	Yelle	Kobasew