Postgame Spread
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Monday, June 19, 2006

God U Suck Weekend    

There are so many candidates from the last couple days.  Where do I even start?

1) Phil Mickelson and Colin Montgomerie.  It's one thing for two of golf's biggest chokers to bogey out... but did you guys have to hit the tent too?!?  Greg Norman's rolling in his grave.  At least Lefty called himself an idiot.  That's a start.
2) Josh Howard.  Come on, fella.
3) The entire Carolina Hurricanes roster.  0 shots in the first period of a game in which you can WIN THE GODDAMN STANLEY CUP?!???!?  Listen, you don't have to score.  Edmonton played their asses off.  But take a shot for Christ's sake!  To paraphrase Bryan Trottier, you're the fuckin' BEST, guys.  Now go lay down on the ice like a broad!  (By the way, that's pretty much the greatest hockey video ever.)
4) The Yankee bullpen.  Wow.  Just... wow.  And as they showed yesterday, they can blow games without even entering the game.  Yeah, that's a playoff team.  Just wait until Octavio Dotel is healthy!  That'll right the ship.
5) Rudy Seanez.  See what happens when you say something nice about the guy?  F him.
6) The last place Atlanta Braves.  C'mon guys, if you don't start winning soon you're gonna drive Bobby Cox to beat his wife again.
7) The equally-bad Atlanta Hawks.  Rumor has it that they've promised Shelden "Low-Rise" Williams he won't make it past #5.  Is this the top-six break I've been hoping for?  Let's just say that if they were trying to screw up and not take one of the top five players... they even screwed that up.

In lighter news, this weekend's God U Don't Suck award is split between two American heroes:

1) Ukrainian center, second-round NBA draft prospect, and potentially the ballsiest smart-ass in NBA history... Kyrylo Fesenko (via TrueHoop)
2) Entourage star Jeremy Piven (via Chas Budnick)

This was one of those deals where you read about Fesenko, and you think "that's really funny; nobody's gonna beat that today."  Then you read about Piven, and you realize that the glass comedy ceiling has been reduced to shards.  What a fabulous, fabulous man.


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