Old and busted: Dolphins protecting us from mines.
Seriously. Sea lions.
Freaking sea lions are gonna swim around Puget Sound carrying handcuffs in their mouths, and when they spot Derka Barack Osamalama HatesYourFreedom with his scuba tank, eyepatch and radioactive knife in his mouth, sneaking up on the U.S.S. OopsIcrappedmypants, they'll charge that fucker, and cuff his leg. Really. No, I'm serious.
What does this have to do with sports, you ask?
Well, the Navy keeps these Bad Motherfucker Sea Lions where? San Diego. Which gives me another perfect opportunity to post this, the only thing that can distract me from Duke's historic suckitude.
I'm still hungry. Feed me Greg Paulus. Now. Or I'll handcuff your sex and drag you off to Gitmo.
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