Postgame Spread
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Friday, June 17, 2005

Gays Being Gay Is Gay    

Dear Jurassic Carl,

Oh, Carl.  You're actually entitled to so much of this rant... you could have accused the media of making something out of nothing.  I mean, who gives a shit what you think about most of this crap?  Wrigley Field sucks?  Fine!  Jose Canseco is an angry, bitter ignoramus?  Probably true!  99% of baseball fans are morons?  Guilty as charged!  Hell, I probably come up with a list of 100,000 Phillies fans that would prove your point for you.

But why, oh why, did you have to say that "gays being gay is wrong"?  Sigh.  Now we're back in the land of the dinosaurs.  You probably could have said it a different way, and come off no worse than, say, Mitt Romney.  But if you can't be more eloquent than "gays being gay is wrong," you probably shouldn't be talking to a national magazine about it.  Not even Maxim, the journalistic equivalent of Rollergirl.  Maxim will enthusiastically portray anybody with sympathy, no matter how abhorrent they are, as long as he/she is in favor of enormous tits.  (But not nipples!)  If, in a hypothetical Maxim interview, Osama bin Laden was to suggest that, underneath the hard-line Muslim facade, he was a "bread-and-butter ass man," I suspect Al Qaeda would find a new ally in America.

Anyway, back to you, Carl.  Ironically, the real story of your statement isn't your neanderthal views on gayness... it's that you had gay teammates.  You never played with Mike Mussina!  Who could it be?  I'm fascinated.  Time to play a little Oracle of Baseball with Jurassic Carl... at least a couple of the 437 people on that list are gay!  I've got my fingers crossed for Hideki Irabu and Orestes Destrade.


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