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Friday, October 13, 2006

A Five-Point Plan For Making Alex Lehr My Mortal Enemy    

From Bill Simmons today:

Why wouldn't someone sell framed pictures online of Vanderjagt consoling T.O. on the Philly sidelines last week? It's the perfect joke Xmas present for any friend who likes the Cowboys, right?

Simmons wins the friggin Internet.  That's a fabulous idea.  I never thought I'd say this, but gosh... I wish I knew me some Cowboys fans.  Or at least knew one well enough to waste my hard-earned money on that.  I'd be tittering like a schoolgirl at the framing shop.

But making friends with a Cowboys fan isn't terribly practical.  It's an uphill battle, what with the obnoxious behavior, monosyllabic quasi-sentences, and the constant stream of drool.  And that's before the game starts.  It's too risky.  Clearly, my best bet is to convert an existing friend.

To nobody's surprise, I have selected Alex Lehr for this duty.  You know you could do it, Lehr.  You're already a Yankees and Blue Devils fan, so why not put the Cowboys up there on that mantle?  Besides, you're only a Broncos fan because all those little rat-faced Giants fans traumatized you in 1987, so being a Dallas fan will still piss off all your old buddies.  And you know they'll hoist the Lombardi again in the next ten years; I don't think Shanahan is, not unless he finds a quarterback with better taste in passing lanes.  In short, you'd be the ultimate Cowboys fan.  This has to happen.

But I'm an absolutist at heart.  I believe that if a person does something, that person should do it all the way.  So why stop at Dallas?  The Knicks are a disgrace right now; isn't this the best time to jump ship and sign up with the Lakers?  Their roster is intriguing, and who couldn't love Lamar "Hits From The Bong" Odom?  And given that Alexei Kovalev is in Montreal right now, and doesn't look to be going anywhere, my hockey arch-enemies are another easy target.  With minimal effort, Alex, you could love all the other teams that I hate the most.

In short, you're not that far from being a super-villain in every way.  As such, I'd propose the following plan for making you my mortal enemy.  In the half-marathon of American evil, you're well beyond the 9-mile marker.  These are like five bursts of energy that will propel you past the Kenyans... like Red Bull, except pure evil, not from concentrate.  So, here we go:

  1. Start rooting for the Cowboys, Lakers, and Les Habitants.
  2. Lead a coalition of "concerned citizens" that gets The Wire cancelled in the middle of its fifth and final season, with all loose ends untied, for being "subversive to freedom."
  3. Vote for Rick Santorum.
  4. Get your driver's license, and make it a habit to drive really, really slowly in the left-hand lane on I-95.  In front of me.  (Someday I'll share my rant about how 75% of the people who drive abominably slowly in the left lane, thus causing congestion and mile-long backups, have Pennsylvania tags.)
  5. Blow up the two most important strategic locations in Washington, DC: Nam-Viet, and the Uptown theater.

I could live with these five atrocities, but only if you accomplish all of them.  I bet you could do it in 12 months.  Unless you're... chicken!  COCK-a-COCK-a-CAWWWWW!

3 Comments:

  • not bad ideas...
    unfortunately, not going to happen. If my football allegiances shift at all, it's toward the Iggles and Donovan "Short Hop" McNabb.

    Besides, Michelle's dad is a lifelong cowboys fan. Ain't gonna happen, my friend.

    And the Rangers were the first team I ever cared about to win a championship (courtesy of Messr. Messier, since I don't count Yankee championships I was too young to remember), so that love ain't going anywhere.

    As for the whole "driving" scenario, it's just so illogical. I lack the necessary sexual organs underneath these little white pants.

    By Blogger Alex, at 5:54 PM  

  • No! That love DID go anywhere... it went to Montreal! As Rick Pitino would say, Alexei Kovalev ain't walking through that door. Allez les Habitants!!!

    And I still believe you should stop half-assing it. Why be a half-bastard when you can be a total and utter one?

    By Blogger Jeff, at 5:58 PM  

  • Jeff, shouldn't it be the Avs that you hate, since that's the actual team? Although, I guess if the Yankees picked up and moved to Las Vegas, and then a new team moved into Yankee stadium, you'd probably hate the New Yankees more than the Las Vegas team. So I take it back.

    By the way, Lehr, I question your commitment to completely fucking up your sports allegiances. I thought Jeff's plan was a perfectly sensible one.

    By Blogger Jesse, at 3:45 PM  

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