Postgame Spread
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The Asshole Hall of Fame    

Welcome, Coach Bobby Knight, to the inaugural class of the Asshole Hall Of Fame.

So, who else belongs? Simmons proposed a while ago to redesign the MLB hall of fame into tiers, so that one could recognize that there's a difference between players like, say, Jim Rice and Willie Mays. I'll combine his design with Dante's concept of hell to my hall. A hall for the rest of us. Those of us who value shit talking and haterade more than quality play or character.

Tier 1 - The Foyer of Insufferable Pricks
Much like the outer rim of hell, this vestibule is reserved for borderline candidates. These are the folks who either weren't quite horrible enough human beings, or not good enough athletes. You see, you gotta be both good at your job and evil at life to merit true enshrinement in Dis. Worthy candidates for Tier 1 include John Rocker, Mercury Morris, and Paul O'Neill.

Tier 2 - The Shut the Fuck Up Great Room
The largest section of the Hall, in the STFUGR can be found all those people who make everyone in the room stupider each time they open their fat gobs. While broadcasters can be found here, they have to have done something especially unforgivable to warrant induction. Hence, Jimmy the Greek has a spot, but not Joe Buck. Other candidates for Tier 2 include Joe Morgan, John Madden, Terrell Owens, and Bobby Fischer.

Tier 3 - The I Am Not A Role Model Elite
This tier is reserved for figures who not only dominated the game in their time, but transcend sports, providing negative role models that any parent can be horrified to see their son adopt as their newest hero. Candidates include Ty Cobb, Knight, Dale Ernhardt, Isiah Thomas, and Charles Barkley if we ever find out he keeps a thai slaver in his fab 5.

Tier 4 - The Mouth of the Beast
Reserved for the creme de la creme, those individuals whose crimes against humanity are such an abomination as to call into question the judgement of the divine power that spawned athletic competition in the first place. These are the guys who make one think, "Man, if (that guy) is the best we've got, this sport is totally fucked". This one is way harder to put a finger on though. Possible candidates include OJ Simpson, Barry Bonds, and Osi Umenyiora

So that's it. Thoughts? Additional Tier suggestions? Other nominees?
It's a long way until March Madness, and there sure as shit ain't anything else remotely interesting going on.

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  • Osi in Tier 4? Damn... it's a sad state of affairs when a guy can't take a dump on a girl without having to face consequences.

    Here's who I'd add:

    Tier 1 - Fred-Ex, Bill Belichick, Lenny Dykstra, Bill Simmons (lol)

    Tier 2 - CURT SCHILLING!!! This should be renamed the Schilling Tier.

    Tier 3 - Steve Carlton, Bill Romanowski, Gordie Howe, Wilt Chamberlain, Roger Clemens, Cecil Fielder

    Tier 4 - Red Auerbach, Mike Tyson

    There's also a tier missing before Tier 1 that could be added for all the harmless nutbags. We can name it after Darren "Donnie Darko" Daulton.

    And I think you have to clarify Tier 2 for me. What did Morgan and Madden do that's so gawd-awful that, say, Tim McCarver wouldn't warrant an invite?

    Or could we institute a media wing, like the actual Hall?

    By Blogger Jeff, at 3:22 PM  

  • I'm open to adding a separate wing for journalists/broadcasters. I had them lumped together with attention-craved assholes like TO because I see them as symbiotic.

    By Blogger Alex, at 4:23 PM  

  • On second thought, there's already a media wing. Never mind!

    By Blogger Jeff, at 4:30 PM  

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