Now they aren't the cheapest bastards in town anymore.
Adam Vinatieri is gone. He's leaving for what is likely a few hundred thousand dollars per year. And not only is he leaving, but he's going to Indianapolis. The Patriots basically cut the greatest kicker of all-time for no reason, and let him go to their main rival. (Though at this point, calling it a rivalry is an insult to the Colts.) Thanks for covering my memories in human feces.
Seriously. Vinatieri to the Colts. This is the nightmare scenario. There are no excuses for this. I hope Bob Kraft buys a really neat watch with the money he saved.
There's the small matter of the "grace period." Technically I'm required to keep rooting for them. Which I am... in fact, I'm rooting for them right now. Rooting for them all to get AIDS and die, that is. That counts. In other words, I'm declaring this grace period shit over and done with. The only thing I can do now is hope that the contract is 6 years long, so that my previously-described threat can become a reality, and I'll at least be keeping my word. But the fact is, this is a nuclear screw-up, and it cannot go unpunished. Far and away the dumbest, most unforgivable move of the Belichick Era.
Therefore, I hereby curse the New England Patriots to exactly 86 years of misery, idiocy, and blunders that would make Billy Sullivan look like Donald Trump. I curse Tom Brady to erectile dysfunction and gonorrhea. I curse Bob Kraft to a lifetime of listening to his wife rap. And Scott "Traitor" Pioli can eat a bag of dicks. Shitty dicks, at that. (That's not a curse, that's an order.)
I think this is enough bile for one night. In more positive news, I suddenly feel this urge to forgive Peyton Manning's sins...
Adam Vinatieri is gone. He's leaving for what is likely a few hundred thousand dollars per year. And not only is he leaving, but he's going to Indianapolis. The Patriots basically cut the greatest kicker of all-time for no reason, and let him go to their main rival. (Though at this point, calling it a rivalry is an insult to the Colts.) Thanks for covering my memories in human feces.
Seriously. Vinatieri to the Colts. This is the nightmare scenario. There are no excuses for this. I hope Bob Kraft buys a really neat watch with the money he saved.
There's the small matter of the "grace period." Technically I'm required to keep rooting for them. Which I am... in fact, I'm rooting for them right now. Rooting for them all to get AIDS and die, that is. That counts. In other words, I'm declaring this grace period shit over and done with. The only thing I can do now is hope that the contract is 6 years long, so that my previously-described threat can become a reality, and I'll at least be keeping my word. But the fact is, this is a nuclear screw-up, and it cannot go unpunished. Far and away the dumbest, most unforgivable move of the Belichick Era.
Therefore, I hereby curse the New England Patriots to exactly 86 years of misery, idiocy, and blunders that would make Billy Sullivan look like Donald Trump. I curse Tom Brady to erectile dysfunction and gonorrhea. I curse Bob Kraft to a lifetime of listening to his wife rap. And Scott "Traitor" Pioli can eat a bag of dicks. Shitty dicks, at that. (That's not a curse, that's an order.)
I think this is enough bile for one night. In more positive news, I suddenly feel this urge to forgive Peyton Manning's sins...
posted by Jeff at
2:29 AM
4 Comments:
Jeff wrote the whole thing. Well, maybe not the get-AIDS-and-die part, but the rest I stand by. (Bob Kraft better hope Myra's got mad flow.)
This is not about the team falling apart. The local media is taking the sky-is-falling route with this, like the team is falling apart. But the roster is fine, and all holes will be filled with hard players. And the record shows that I was OK with Givens and McGinest leaving. It's not just about losing a player I liked.
It's about losing a player I liked because... why? There's no good reason! I'm accepting explanations from you guys. I'm all ears. But I don't think I'm gonna get one. They have money, he wasn't asking for the world, and he's the best kicker in Christendom. What's the problem?
There are thematic similarities between this and the Arroyo trade. Cornroyo wanted to stay, and took less money to do that. Vinatieri was satisfied with being "franchise" player, with no long-term deal or signing bonuses, because he wanted to stay. Both were loyal to the Pats, and both were shown the door.
But there's a big difference: the Sox had six starters better than Arroyo, and Wily Mo Pena is too good a value to turn down. There's a rationale that fans can accept. There's no such rationale for Vinatieri. He got canned because someone thinks it's good business. I don't think it's good business to alienate your fans without a sound explanation, but what do I know? I'm just a fan.
I may root for them on the field, but I sure as shit don't have to forgive them when their Gestapo tactics blow up in their faces. How can I be that loyal to people who are incapable of loyalty themselves? Screwing over the players I can deal with, but this here is a big fat F.U. to the fans. We've sold out every game since 1994, we've sent millions of dollars straight into Bob Kraft's pocket. During that period we've watched pretty much everyone get replaced for cost-benefit purposes. Fine. But if we were going to be thrown a bone, this was the guy. Oh well. This will come back to bite them later, and they'll deserve it.
So you'll have to pardon me if I'm not feeling particularly loyal today.
By
Jeff, at 10:50 AM
In case you're curious, the Pats are a cool $20 million beneath the cap. The ProJo claims Vinatieri's leg/back injuries contributed to the Pats' behavior. Yeah, right, cause the Pats didn't just look at Brady's shoulder and Seymour's leg and extend them. I clearly hallucinated that. In other words, they just decided a kicker wasn't worth the money. They refused to let a player dictate their finances, on principle alone. They weren't going to let a small detail (scoring the winning points in all three Super Bowls) cloud their cost-benefit analyses.
Try to understand how difficult it is for me to watch some very intelligent people (Belichick, Pioli) who have given me a lot over the past 5 years, do something so calculatedly cruel and cheap to me and the rest of New England. I'm trying to open my mind to the possibility that this will work out, but I just can't. I'm angrier now than I was when Lawyer Milloy got cut... and I was livid then. But Milloy, ultimately, wasn't irreplacable. Rodney Harrison and Eugene Wilson played as if Milloy had never suited up in the first place. Vinatieri is. You can't even replace his skill set, let alone the goodwill he represented.
This is not a contract that would have hamstrung the team in any way. 31 other teams would DREAM of being hamstrung by a measly $2.5 million albatross. The new CBA dropped $10 million into their laps... and they're still pinching pennies.
Seriously. Defend this. I dare you.
By
Jeff, at 1:18 PM
"Seriously. Defend this. I dare you."
Um... Vinatieri is a gay child molester?
Just kidding... we all know he's impotent from kicking with his dick.
By
Alex, at 3:04 PM
See? Nothing rational comes close to defending this crap. You have to get ridiculous.
At least I learned something today: rabid mouth-froth leaves a delicious, minty aftertaste! Mmmmmmm, tasty.
By
Jeff, at 3:13 PM
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