Postgame Spread
You guys hangin' out? I'll hang out.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Got no time for you triflin' ass broke breezies...    

...cause the playoffs are here.

(thanks Deadspin for the pic)

Now, full disclosure, I haven't watched basically ANY hockey this year. I think about 5 minutes is the longest stretch of game I've watched. I couldn't name the top line on any NHL team. I don't even know what the seeding is. The closest I've been to an NHL game is this:

So without further ado, is my Ignorant Playoff Preview. You down with IPP?

The Contenders:

Penguins v. Ottawa
Team I'll be rooting for= Penguins.
Why= They could go from near-eviction to cup champions in a three month span. Such is the life of a pimp.
Slogan= Let my nuts go, bitch.

Atlanta v. NY Rangers
Team I'll be rooting for= Rangers.
Why= My second favorite team in sports, the Rangers have fallen out of my life since the season-cancelling debacle. Now, with a younger, faster, better league, and with the Rangers back in the playoffs, there's every reason for me to get back into hockey. If the Rangers can pull off a few wins, I'll likely be hooked.
Slogan= Give me a reason to love you (I just wanna be a woman).

NJ Devils v. Tampa Bay
Team I'll be rooting for= Neither.
Why= Cause Tampa should not have a hockey team, and cause fuck the Devils, that's why
Slogan= Security on my dick bitch, I don't give a fuck!

Buffalo v. Islanders
Team I'll be rooting for= Buffalo.
Why= Much like Philly, Buffalo could use some love. And fuck Long Island.
Slogan= Well get it crunk, mothafucker get crunk.

Detroit v. Calgary
Team I'll be rooting for= Calgary.
Why= Cause I'm rooting for Pitt over Ottawa, and you gotta root for a Canada team.
Slogan= Old man McGirt, lookin' under your skirt. Fucked the pussy til' it's orange, like Ernie and Bert.

Anaheim v. Minnesota
Team I'll be rooting for= Minnesota.
Why= A closer call than I would have thought- Anaheim have the beast that is Chris Pronger, and Scott Niedermayer, a video hockey hall of famer. That said, this is hockey, people, not a fake bake contest. Fuck Anaheim.
Slogan= I need unguent.

Vancouver v. Dallas
Team I'll be rooting for= Vancouver
Why= Vancouver has the best logo in the NHL, and is on the short list of cities I really really want to visit. Dallas has gun racks and Jerry Jones. Fuck Dallas(Man, these geographic matchups are making choosing sides really easy).
Slogan= You can run but you can't hide from the westside.

Nashville v. San Jose
Team I'll be rooting for= San Jose
Why= Cause with every Joey Bananas playoff win, a little piece of Jeff dies.
Slogan= Did you think you can fuck wit us, BONE, BONE-BONE-BONE-BONE.



  • What?!? YOU took the NHL playoff preview? Dammit. Here's what it should have said... rooting interest in bold, likely winner in italics.

    Pens vs. Ottawa
    They are as advertised... young, exciting, and impossible to root against in any scenario.

    Atlanta vs. Rangers
    The ultimate Who Cares series, but I gotta root against Atlanta. They DEFINITELY do not deserve a team. Carolina and Tampa have built legit fan bases through Stanley Cup victories. Atlanta just sucks. Move that shit to Quebec.

    Devils vs. Tampa
    Never root for the Devils. Never. They're like the Patriots, but about ten times worse. And they're run by one of the most evil men in hockey, Lou Lamoriello. Devils is right. May they all die in a fire.

    Sabres vs. Islanders
    Much as Pittsburgh's salvation is is the feel-good story of the year, Buffalo's is the feel-good story of the century. They went from a classic, tight-budget trap-and-hack team to the hands-down most talented team in hockey inside of, like, two or three seasons. They have Dainius Zubrus playing on the goddamn third line. He's their FIFTH-best center. Their fourth-line center, Jochen Hecht, scored NINETEEN goals. They are unbelievable. And the city of Buffalo needs a winner. Their fans actually travel to other cities and fuck the home fans up. For hockey. In America. You gotta root for them to do it.

    Detroit vs. Calgary
    Calgary sucks. But yeah, they're Canadian, and rooting for Detroit doesn't get much done.

    Anaheim vs. Minnesota
    I could go either way on this one. I take Minnesota because they're underdogs, but Anaheim is basically the Charlestown Chiefs, with Scott Niedermayer as Ned Braden. I wouldn't be upset to see them win it all. If anything, the Ducks should get a prize for dropping the Mighty part from their name.

    Vancouver vs. Dallas
    This one's easy. Dallas sucks. And Luongo's been an MVP candidate all year. This one's got Hot Goalie written all over it.

    Nashville vs. San Jose
    I could care less about Jumbo Joe. Really. The only shame is that the Bruins accepted so little in return for him. All the criticism still stands... he laid down like a bitch against Edmonton last year, and I expect it to happen again this year against a far-superior Nashville team. (Another weird hockey city that fully deserves its team.)

    In the end, I think we'll see Buffalo beat Nashville. I could see Anaheim getting in there instead of Nashville, but Buffalo's the goddamn juggernaut, bitch.

    By Blogger Jeff, at 11:49 AM  

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