OMFG RED SOX SUX0RS I HATE THEM EFF TEH YANKEES 2

Kidding!



Now that I've broken my blog duck for 2011, I can go back to tackling the question of what to do with myself now that all my teams have won. Hint: it includes less sports. But still, I'm curious as to why the biggest September collapse in history doesn't bother me much, while the mere mention of Rex Ryan makes me want to kick an infant. I'm accepting ideas for an explanation.

In case you're curious, though, here's a summary of what life will be like once your teams win everything there is to be won:

1. You'll have your life back.
2. You'll look for some exciting new sport on which to waste that life.

For me, that's been soccer. Which reminds me, I haven't watched soccer in almost two hours, brb! I'll leave you with this:

In which Alex demonstrates his ignorance of hockey, resolves to watch more hockey

Or: Sid Crosby is a little bitch.

"People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

I probably should have watched this game, huh?

Bruins/NHL Playoffs Talk

Make sure Nutty's playing as you read:



I am psyched this year like I have never been before. Psyched and mortified, but mostly psyched. I have an odd feeling about this team, after having watched nearly every single game: hope.

Every time the Bruins have landed a top seed in recent years, there's always been a stench of overachievement all about them. The playoffs would arrive, the smoke and mirrors would dissipate, and an exhausted bunch of losers would fall to the Canadiens. I can't lie: this thought has crossed my mind several times once the Habs were confirmed as the Bruins' opponent.

But this time really is different. The B's have literally no weaknesses. They can win with the neutral-zone trap, and against it; they can win 1-0 over any team you can imagine; they can win in a track meet; they can overcome your clean checks, and they can overcome a Hanson Brothers-style brawl too, as they proved last week against the Habs. They have one of the NHL's best offenses, with three lines that can carry a team's scoring for the game; they have its best defenseman, in certain Norris candidate Zdeno Chara, and a front four that can absorb any offense in the league; they have its best goalie, in near-certain Vezina winner Tim Thomas, recent winner of the Jennings Trophy for fewest goals against on the season (despite Manny Fernandez's best efforts to blow it for him).

In short, there hasn't been any overachieving. It's not like their breakout players shouldn't have broken out; Phil Kessel, David Krejci, Blake Wheeler, Milan Lucic... these guys were all SUPPOSED to do exactly what they're doing. It's not as if Chuck Kobasew scored 50 goals or some bullshit like that. In fact, given that Lucic and one-time 30-goal scorer Patrice Bergeron have only been themselves the past couple weeks, I would say they underachieved. They could be rolling three lines full of 20-goal scorers, and they're not. How about that.

There's just no formula for beating this team. None. Your best bet is to a) hit them as hard as you can and HOPE that they, against their track record, don't feel like hitting back, and b) pray to Jesus Christ himself that Thomas doesn't have "it" tonight. You require goddamn divine intervention to beat the Bruins on paper. I've never been as happy with the Bruins' depth chart as I am now.

The only player bad enough to sink this team is Manny Fernandez, a goalie who figures to not play one minute between the pipes from here on out. If he does, it means Thomas is hurt, the playoff run is over anyway, and Fernandez's performance doesn't much matter anyway. Maybe Shane Hnidy is a true weak link, but he's the team's 8th defenseman now! Of course he's a weak link. But seriously, look at how far you have to go before there's a true weak spot. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

On top of all that, they've got a pretty nice draw as far as playoff opponents go. At reasonably full strength, the B's have only had a worrisome amount of trouble against Washington and San Jose, neither of whom will turn up until a couple rounds in. I'm not gonna say it will be a cakewalk, not when Philly is lurking, but they've set themselves up nicely for a long run.

I wouldn't be totally stunned to see them lose earlier, but I don't see it. Doesn't make sense. This is the year.

On to the predictions:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

(1) BOSTON VS. (8) MONTREAL

Last Thursday's old-time hockey exhibition was a good indicator of the sort of bush league nonsense we can expect Bob Gainey to pull over the next week and a half. But that kind of crap can distract the Habs as much as the Bruins, as their loss indicates. And although the B's went without a win against the Habs last year, and still managed to take the Habs to a seventh game, the Bruins were a disciplined, bring-the-game-to-us type of team even at their worst. Montreal is just a bunch of wandering, underachieving boobs. They're about to be thoroughly outclassed.

Prediction: Bruins in 5

(2) WASHINGTON VS. (7) NEW YORK

While I think the Rangers are a solid team, and have the potential to ride Henrik Lundquist as deep as they please, Washington is just too good at every position. Jose Theodore is merely a Flyers-caliber goaltender, but he doesn't have to be much more than that with the team in front of him. He only has to be Chris Osgood good, not Roberto Luongo good. I don't see this being much of a series, no matter what Sean Avery does.

Prediction: Caps in 5

(3) NEW JERSEY VS. (6) CAROLINA

While it's widely known that Carolina stinks on ice, that knowledge is nowhere near as wide as Martin Brodeur's ass. The Devs are struggling; the magic is over. Carolina, meanwhile, is hotter than anyone, and just as well-built as the Devils. They're a little too trendy a pick, but it's for a good reason.

Prediction: Canes in 6

(4) PITTSBURGH VS. (5) PHILADELPHIA

I really, REALLY hate to say this, but I don't see the Flyers NOT getting into the Pens' heads this year. Marc-Andre Fleury has been a mess, the defense is a sieve at best, and Sidney Crosby is like fresh fish to the scummy likes of Scott Hartnell and Mike Richards. Regardless of Philly's preposterously persistent porosity problems in the pipes, I don't see Crosby + Malkin + Nobody Else putting a dent into them. I definitely don't see Pittsburgh taking a Game 7 from them.

Prediction: Flyers in 7

WESTERN CONFERENCE

(1) SAN JOSE VS. (8) ANAHEIM

I don't get why everyone's in love with Anaheim. Jonas Hiller is going to shut down the best team in hockey, is he? Just because the Ducks have pedigree? Give me a break.

Prediction: Sharks in 4

(2) DETROIT VS. (7) COLUMBUS

Columbus is the most annoying team in hockey. They have Rick Nash, and that is literally it as far as actual scoring talent goes. What, I'm supposed to be enthralled by the offensive exploits of R.J. Umberger?!? Give me a break. All they're good enough to do is delay the inevitable for no good reason.

Prediction: Wings in 6

(3) VANCOUVER VS. (6) ST. LOUIS

The Blues are the biggest story of the NHL season. From perennial playoff team to perennial doormat and, in the absence of their best players (Paul Kariya, Erik Johnson), have made the biggest leap of anyone. Not only did they sneak into the playoffs, but they have an eminently beatable Vancouver team as their opponent! I have literally no idea how Chris Mason and the Blues did this. And despite my pro-Vancouver sympathies, I can't help but root for St. Louis to take down the weakest of the six division winners.

Prediction: Blues in 7

(4) CHICAGO VS. (5) CALGARY

I can't think of one good reason to root for a team that blew a 13-point division lead over the phoenix-like rebirth of the Chicago Blackhawks. A fun team to watch and a fun team to root for.

Prediction: Hawks in 5

SUBSEQUENT ROUNDS

EAST
BOSTON over Carolina
Because the Canes never put up much of a fight against the B's this year.

PHILLY over Washington
Because it wouldn't be the Flyers if they didn't piss you off.

BOSTON over Philly
Because by now, Biron will be tenderized and ready to eat. And because fuck the Flyers.

WEST
SAN JOSE over St. Louis
Because the dream has to end eventually.

DETROIT over Chicago
Because the Hawks aren't quite THAT good.

DETROIT over San Jose
Because the Sharks always do this eventually.

FINALS
BOSTON over Detroit

They've shown they can beat Detroit, and by a lot, too. If it were the Sharks, I don't think I'd have the same amount of faith in a Bruins victory. But a matchup with Detroit, a team craftier than it is talented, strikes me as a lot more favorable towards the Bruins.

Bruins In Playoffs, Look For Real, Have BEST COMMERCIALS EVER

When I post about the Bruins, there's usually some kind of apology attached. Not now. After living an entire lifetime ashamed of my cheap, uncaring hockey team, this is the first time I've ever been proud to be a fan of the Boston Bruins. This, this moment right now, is the greatest moment in the franchise since the '72 Cup finals.

No, not the B's having the top seed in the East... I'm talking about these commercials.







I award this series of ads 5 Ranger fan shoes out of 5.

Bruins Pwn Trade Deadline

With the trade deadline come and gone, it looks like the Bruins got precisely what they needed. They didn't get Chris Pronger or Jay Bouwmeester or Tomas Kaberle, but neither did anyone else. They did, however, make two minor acquisitions that will help the team without subtracting anything:

* Redundant defenseman Steve Montador was acquired in exchange for extremely redundant grit forward Petteri Nokelainen. Noke is a good three-zone player, but added nothing to this incarnation of the Bruins. Montador doesn't add that much either, as he's equivalent to the kind of Andrew Ference/Shane Hnidy/Mark Stuart defender that the B's are already flush with. But considering that nobody in that Kaberle/Bouwmeester/Pronger troika was moved, it's a nice depth move that at the very least increases the nastiness factor back there. I can also imagine Montador punching a Flyer kidney or three, which is a plus.

* 68-year-old winger Mark Recchi arrives, along with a 2nd rounder, for unimpressive rookies Matt Lashoff and Martins Karsums. This, friends, is theft even without the assuredly high 2010 pick. Lashoff was Boston's 9th- or 10th-best defenseman, and has regressed since his appearances with the big club prior to 2008. Karsums could be a 3rd-liner in the right situation, but he's not bringing anything in particular to the table. Those two, in exchange for a rejuvenated Hall of Famer AND a pick? Given the cost of the deadline's big prizes, this was exactly what they needed to keep the band together AND get better.

Considering that nobody east of the Mississippi made any major improvements (Antropov and Morris? ZZZZZZZZZZZZ) and that picking up one of the Three Stooges for the blue line would have cost the B's dearly, I'm very happy about adding gritship, leadeyness, and a Cup pedigree in exchange for, essentially, nothing.

The lines are looking as strong as ever:

Lucic	Savard	Kessel
Wheeler	Krejci	Ryder
Axelsson	Bergeron	Recchi
Thornton	Yelle	Kobasew

Chara	Ward
Wideman	Montador
Ference	Stuart/Hnidy

Andy Brickley's lines had Recchi on the left and Thornton on the right, enabling Kobasew to jump back up to #3 and P.J. to join Thornton and Yelle on what has to be the best 4th line in the NHL. That is probably better from an offensive perspective, but I bet Claude Julien spreads the defensive responsibilities evenly amongst the Bergeron and Yelle lines. It's not like Kobasew can't grind it out on line #4 if he's asked, and Thornton has played so well on the left that I don't see why you'd move him.

I'm sad that Matt Hunwick and Byron Bitz are on the bench and out of the mix. But I can't be that upset when the guys displacing them are quality.

Approve.

F**k Baseball: Hockey Video Of The Year

From the indispensable Puck Daddy comes this indispensable video. Ignore all the Dan Le Bastard crap, and wait for Randy Moller to start dropping the by-request pop culture references.



I think "WHAT'S IN THE BOX! THE PANTHERS HAVE A TWO-GOAL LEAD!" is my favorite.

Los Habitantes Aspiran Comen Los Penes

[EDIT: Doh. No habla Espanol.]



The Bruins, after going 0-8 against Montreal in the regular season last year, have defeated their tormentors in convincing fashion.

Without Phil Kessel, Milan Lucic, Marco Sturm, or Patrice Bergeron, each of them amongst the Bruins' top scoring forwards, they beat last year's Eastern Conference points leader soundly. For the third time in a row. Tonight's 3-1 win was a perfect hockey game: tense first period, comeback from a deficit in the second period, total dominance in the third, dagger at the end. Perfect, and more thorough a beatdown than the score suggests. The Habs had one legitimate shot to tie up the game, and Tim Thomas snuffed it out.

This season is looking more and more like a cakewalk. 43 games. 68 points. An 11-point lead in the conference, which is unheard of nowadays unless you root for the Wings. Wins against quality opponents like Vancouver, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago to their credit. Except for the injuries, it's been nothing but great, great news.

With two games remaining, and a 3-0-1 record against the Habs thus far, they have clinched the season series. A year after not winning a single game against them until the playoffs. This, if anything, is what tells me that they are for real. To not just hold their own, but blast them out of the rink. I'm not entirely convinced they're a favorite, and won't be until I see them beat Alex Ovechkin and the Caps a couple times. But with each win they rack up, in the face of so many injuries, they look more and more like the real thing.

Bruins Work Up A Number Six On Rest Of NHL

The Boston Bruins are 16-4-4 through 24 games, tied for first place in the Eastern Conference (with three games in hand on their competition) and second-best in all of hockey. In those 24 games they have lost by more than one goal just once. They were 11-1-1 in November, losing only one game outright out of thirteen. They are 9-1-1 at home, winning their last nine in a row outright.

Their depth chart has gone from "thin" to "overflowing" in a matter of months. Nine forwards are on a pace to score 20 goals, despite disappointing seasons from Michael Ryder, their main free-agent acquisition from the summer, the usually reliable Marco Sturm, who caught fire only after 10-12 games, and Patrice Bergeron, their best forward prior to his head injury last year. (Bergeron has as many even-strength points this season, eight, as fourth-line grinder Stephane Yelle.) The team has barely missed them.



With the veterans struggling to find their scoring touch, the youngsters have taken control of the offense. Rookie winger Blake Wheeler is 2nd on the team in goals, but justifies his ice time by doing more little things than a college kid should know to do. David Krejci and Phil Kessel in particular have made enormous strides this season. The formerly nifty Krejci has become a formidable scorer on rebounds, and is damn near invincible while carrying the puck. Kessel's one-on-one moves are the best on the team, and his wrist shot is as good as there is in the league. And Lucic, despite concentrating on his physical game, is knocking home rebounds and making good on the Cam Neely comparisons. Overnight this team has become immensely talented offensively, far more so than they are credited with due to their defense-first reputation.



As for the defense, with rookie Matt Hunwick's emergence they now have seven reliable blueliners. Andrew Ference was having the season of his life before his injury, eradicating the unreliable, just-barely-good-enough defensive play doubts we'd come to expect from him. Zdeno Chara, Dennis Wideman and Aaron Ward have played their usual bulletproof defense. Mark Stuart, despite being assigned to the third defensive pair, has established himself as a top-four defender. Shane Hnidy is far from the weak link he should be. They could probably use someone good enough to send Hnidy to the bench and Hunwick back to Providence (say, pending UFA Jay Bouwmeester?) but if that doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world.

That's due in large part to their goalies, Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez, who have proven to be damn near unbeatable. The pair has a combined 2.04 GAA and .933 save percentage, each of them sharing in the excessive win totals. Thomas alone has stopped an ungodly 94% of the shots he's faced. Fernandez' frequent play of late could be a prelude to a trade and a Tuukka Rask call-up... but that is probably just wishful thinking, as Fernandez' $4M salary makes him untradeable. Still, you never know. The main thing here is that Thomas has totally won me over as a valid starting goaltender. After three years of the same nutty stats, three years of expecting yet another overachieving Bruin goaltender to fail like they always do, I am a believer. He has had the best season of any Eastern Conference goalie, and he deserves to start the All-Star Game, never mind just taking part.



Claude Julien has certainly put to rest the ridiculous rumors about his departure from New Jersey, has he not? Certain elements of this team's performance (players never taking risks beyond their abilities, the constant churn of new players who fit in without missing a beat, the ridiculously low stats of both goaltenders) make you wonder what Lou Lamoriello could possibly have been thinking when he let Julien go in the middle of a 100-point season. The rap was that Julien wouldn't lead the Devils to playoff wins, but taking Montreal to a seventh game up here, despite significant injuries to Chara and others, sure looks like success to me, especially after the Habs absolutely owned them (8-0-0) during the regular season. The more the Bruins win, the more indefensible Julien's firing appears.

And it goes without saying that this is the first Bruins team since the Bourque/Neely/Oates era that was built to last. Peter Chiarelli has actually fixed this team. For real. No smoke and mirrors, no phony baloney. He pursued talent and keeps it happy. He instilled an organizational theme that the coaches and players have executed. He has re-instilled a sense of pride and dignity to an organization known for its lack of same.

Sidebar
The differences between professional, level-headed Chiarelli and raging prick cocksucker asshole Harry Sinden could not be more dramatic, and could not favor Chiarelli any more strongly. Ahhh, if only the internet had been around during Sinden's heyday. Many an outraged blog post would have been written at his deserving expense. Imagine how pissed he'd have been if he were trying to make his usual trade of a Hall of Famer away for being insolent, when here I come with a hilarious Photoshop of Harry and the player he just traded for:



Or is that his 1997 family reunion? I just don't know.
End sidebar.

Speaking of Herpes Harry, the only level of management that isn't getting a handie from me is ownership. If the Jacobses put all of the above pieces in place, then their success happened entirely by accident. Because we all know it didn't have anything at all to do with the clowns who ruined Boston hockey in the first place. This wonderful revival is happening, like the Indians in Major League, fully in spite of ownership. Let me put it this way: if the Jacobs family funds a cure for cancer, and pays to elevate the entire population of Darfur province to the American middle class, then maybe I'll think about reconsidering them. Maybe. Until them, I hope they get raped by a pack of S&M elephants every morning at 8:30.

While this team is likely to regress at some point for any number of reasons (the young players will slump; the goalies will start letting a few in; the blue line injuries will haunt them) they have nevertheless registered themselves as a legitimate Cup Contender. THe past two seasons of Bruins hockey had looked like the worst of the Neutral Zone Trap All-Stars. But this team is now something far more substantial. The leashes are off.

[photo credit for all B's pics]

Note to self:

watch more hockey.

I'm currently watching Flyers/Caps, in intermission preparing for the 2nd OT, and good lord. Somehow in the last 5 years of paying approximately 0 attention to hockey, I had forgotten that there really is NOTHING in sports more awesome than playoff overtime. It's like crack for the sports fan. I've been sitting here the past 20 minutes or so, sporting the Aardsma face, unable to speak. Just giddy.

And with the Rangers playing well, what the hell have I been missing?

Total side note, unrelated to everything - I shelled out for the 17 game pack season tix for the Phillies this year, and after 2 visits to the stadium, I have 2 walkoff wins under my belt, one in the 9th, one in the 10th. Gonna be a long, awesome season.

Pounding The Glass

Three cheers for Bruins rookie Tuukka Rask, who got his first NHL win in net tonight in Toronto, against the team that drafted him. He played extremely well, making several key saves and only being beaten on freak bounces.

Rask was bailed out by three very nifty plays by the B's to regain control of the game. Marc Savard's feed to P.J. Axelsson on the game-tying marker was particularly sweet. Rask owes Savard and Chuck Kobasew their dinners tonight.

Also notable is that the Leafs didn't have the sprouts to start the goalie Rask was traded for, the struggling Andrew Raycroft, in their own net. I remember blasting the trade at the time, but only inasmuch as Rask was too far off to help the main club. But if Rask is close enough to spot-start behind Tim Thomas and the disappointing/injured Manny Fernandez, that only bodes well for the Bruins becoming a real team sometime in the next 12-18 months! Yay!

The First Of Many Counter-Intuitive Blog Posts

Hockey time!

Prior to Eagles/Hokies and Red Sox/Rockies, I treated myself to a couple periods of Bruins/Blackhawks, featuring the leading candidates for the Calder trophy, Chicago's Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane. I was actually very excited to see Toews and Kane, especially after watching Toews' jaw-dropping goal the other night:



HOLY SHIT. Goal of the year. No more entries accepted, thanks for playing. I hope you can understand why I'd consider Toews' arrival to be appointment TV.

Unsurprisingly, he scored Chicago's lone goal tonight, popping a nonchalant snapshot past Tim Thomas on the power play. I'd say he generally held up his end of the bargain. Kane looked impressive too, though he didn't make as much of an impression, and is thus far having the statistically superior season. The Wirtz is dead, long live the Blackhawks!

I'll tell you who didn't look impressive: David Koci. He wanted to take a bite out of Shawn Thornton... but ended up with a mouthful of Zdeno Chara. RUH-ROH!



I saw that live, in stunning high-definition. If it looked gruesome on YouTube, imagine how nasty it looked when you could see the details... when you could see the point at which Koci's nose became re-broken. Bleech.

Then again, that's what he gets for having a RACIST MASCOT!!!

You know, for a guy who doesn't fight, Chara sure knows how to connect. He connected with Koci's chops or his nose pretty much every swing he took. Nice to see the 6'9" stud finally getting physical.

Aaaanyway, Bruins win 3-1, earning #2 on tonight's What You Missed While Watching An Awesome Baseball Game Countdown. More to come...

[h/t on the beatdown vid to Mirtle]

NHL Free Agency And Bruins Suckbaggery: Two Stories Jesse's NOT All Over

Major, major changes afoot in the NHL. Free-agency news typically pours in here and here as it happens. Let's get things started by recapping the recent flurry of activity with a round of "one of these things is not like the other things"...

* Buffalo's dynamic duo of Daniel Briere and Chris Drury signed with the Flyers and Rangers, respectively.

* The Rangers also yoinked Scott Gomez away from the Devils.

* Ryan Smyth ended hopes of a return to Edmonton by signing with Colorado.

* Michael Nylander, displaced by the ultra-active Rangers, is returning to Washington. (Great signing.)

* Brian Rafalski got a five-year deal in Detroit. Hmmm.

* Mathieu Schneider joined the Ducks, giving them four front-line defensemen should Scott Niedermayer decide not to retire after all.

* Paul Kariya signed with... St. Louis?!? Them? Guess he doesn't really need a Cup after all.

* Robert Lang's headed to Chicago, though he's kinda washed up. Which explains Chicago's interest.

* The Bruins, not to be outdone, signed... occasional fourth-liner Shawn Thornton to a multi-year deal! Break out the champagne! That'll show 'em!

Man, those Bruins are always one step ahead of the league. They see everyone else in hockey addressing their first and second lines, so the Bruins' response, naturally, is to pounce on all that unsigned fourth-line talent. Isaac Newton never got the chance to run an NHL franchise, but if he had, he'd have done it just like this.

OK, so that's kind of a cheap shot. Thornton is better than his limited ice time in Anaheim indicates, making this a pretty shrewd deal. Peter Chiarelli knows the trenches pretty well, having nabbed some nice players who'd been overlooked (Brandon Bochenski comes to mind) for next to nothing. There's something to be said for that.

I should also give Chiarelli credit for acquiring Manny Fernandez from Minnesota, who had wildly overpaid him. (Ha.) I think I'm OK with this deal. The Bruins' goalie situation is finally in order; they are certainly better off with Fernandez as the starter and Tim Thomas as the capable backup. They may have given up hot prospect Petr Kalus, which I'm not thrilled about, but they really needed a better goalie. And they can't just sit around and wait for Tuukka Rask. [Note: Tuukka Rask is a goalie, not the Finnish word for Christmas.] So I can't say the Bruins are standing around, twiddling their thumbs.

However, the B's missed their chance to improve themselves. They need a top-six forward and a defenseman just to make the playoffs, and more if they want to be serious. But after 24 hours, basically all the guys who fit that description are off the market. The only top-drawer players left that I can see (correct me if I'm wrong) are old farts like Brendan Shanahan and Bill Guerin. At the very least, they needed to target some mid-level guys like Jason Blake or Cory Sarich, and even they're gone. There are very, very few acquisitions left to make that will impact the franchise as opposed to the roster, if that makes sense.

Not that they should turn down the likes of Shanahan if he's interested. Someone needs to score goals, and I'm not seeing any reliable sources on the roster. Patrice Bergeron never really exploded since being handed the reins. Glen Murray's never been the same since Joe Thornton left. Marco Sturm and Marc Savard definitely aren't going to do it. Phil Kessel's still too young to expect greatness, though he looks like a sure thing to score 20-25 if given proper ice time. But those are all question marks. There's nobody on the roster you can depend on.

Until they bring in someone who can score, get used to prolonged team slumps, P.J. Axelsson on the power play, and vacations in early April. In other words, there's way more work to be done, and I'll be damned if I know how to pull it off.

Thank God For Canada

Via Deadspin comes the funniest shit of the week. I ain't even bullshittin'.



God, do I love F-bombs.

Hockey Stuff

FIRST-ROUND ANALYSIS

* Atlanta vs. New York Rangers
A team cannot be vag-handled any more completely than the Thrashers were by the Blueshirts. Sean Avery beat them nearly single-handed. The Rangers get full marks.

* Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa
Also not close. The Penguins looked lost pretty much all series, though not for lack of effort. I love that team.

* Buffalo vs. New York Islanders
I thought the Islanders acquitted themselves fairly nicely, in a "just happy to have won that shootout" kind of way. Buffalo looked less than their best, but not so much that anyone needs to worry. What a juggernaut.

* New Jersey vs. Tampa Bay
Didn't see a second of this series. Thank you, NHL and Versus. I didn't want to see those games anyway... after all it's only THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAYOFFS YOU NHL DICKBAGS

* Anaheim vs. Minnesota
No surprises here... except I'm surprised they even played the games.

* San Jose vs. Nashville
Same here, though I did think Nashville would have a bit more in the tank. Peter Forsberg looked like a shell of his former self. Methinks it's time for that early retirement to Sweden, where he can slash and maul to his heart's content without having to score goals.

* Detroit vs. Calgary
Points to Calgary for stretching the series out. But they're a bunch of filthy thugs. The whole Jamie McLennan thing is exactly how much class that team has. Good riddance. That said, Detroit looks vulnerable to me. If a bunch of shitbags like Calgary can keep them under control, what could a real team like the Sharks or Ducks do?

* Dallas vs. Vancouver
A classic. One of those "if only both teams could win" series. More than one sudden-death OT game, both won by the Canucks. Two identical teams plus an epic goalie battle. Marty Turco went toe-to-toe with Roberto Luongo, which is pretty much a superhuman feat nowadays. So full marks to Dallas despite losing.

(Let's also point out that the Canucks whipped out their throwback blues for Game 7 last night. The only thing that could have pleased me more would have been the black and yellow skate logos, but hey, I also want a toilet made out of solid gold. The Canucks have the best throwbacks in hockey. Well played, sirs.)

SECOND-ROUND THOUGHTS

* Buffalo vs. New York Rangers
Sabres in six. It'll be way closer than the scoreboard shows, though. I could see the Rangers taking it if Jagr and Avery go absolutely out of their minds, but that's awfully unlikely. Buffalo's just so ridiculous.

* New Jersey vs. Ottawa
I could give a rat's ass. I don't much like either team. But the goalie situations are... well jeez, Marty Brodeur vs. Ray Emery? Jersey in five, max.

* Anaheim vs. Vancouver
Best second-round series. I'm praying that one of the Ducks pulls off his skate and goes after Trevor Linden. I'm gonna go with Anaheim in seven, but very, very reluctantly. Luongo has serious "I am the reason my crappy team got all the way to the Finals" potential.

* Detroit vs. San Jose
Ho-hum. Detroit in seven, Joe Thornton goes scoreless, leaving us to wonder whether the Sharks could have won had Bananaman not disappeared again.

League Optimization: NHL

I've been thinking today about how so many major sports franchises are mismatched with their cities.  Hockey in Miami?  Basketball in Memphis?  And so forth.  So I thought I'd evaluate each of the four major leagues and present some ideas... just fooling around, for the most part, seeing what would look good from a fan's perspective rather than an economic one.

Since it's playoff time, and nobody will care about hockey in a few weeks anyway, I'll tackle the NHL first.  This is a league that has at least four teams too many, and not enough teams in places that actually care about hockey (hrmphCANADAharumph).  Further, you have three teams in the New York market, two of whom have trouble drawing fans, so one of those teams has to go.

Let me reiterate that I'm not attacking this from an economic standpoint.  I'm not an economist, don't pretend to be, and don't give a hoot about whether teams are profitable vs. in the right location.  I'm looking solely at whether teams are truly succeeding in their cities, and whether their fans' potential for support is enough to justify the team's existence.  After seeing what's happened in Buffalo and Pittsburgh this season and last, I think looking at your fan base's potential, and their performance during the good times, is a much better way to approach market feasibility than arena age, luxury boxes, and so forth.

Excused from the list, despite suckage

Chicago: Easily the worst franchise in hockey.  They have been gutted like a fish by that piece of shit Wirtz.  But you can't move them.  Chicago's too big.

Boston: Same reason.  The team is atrocious, but it's too big a hockey town when at its best.  And the place still fills up for Habs games, which is somewhat stunning to me.

Nashville, Carolina, Tampa: They get a bad rap, like hockey doesn't belong there or whatever, but they have supported those teams.  Hockey's thriving in those places.  Atlanta too, but they're not safe.

The Chopping Block

Seven franchises could safely move or fold, all in questionable hockey cities.

• Columbus Blue Jackets
• Washington Capitals
• Phoenix Coyotes
• New York Islanders
• New Jersey Devils (they have no fans!!!)
• Florida Panthers
• Atlanta Thrashers

Blue Jackets
There is absolutely no reason for this team to exist.  At least visiting teams have a good time visiting Miami.  Who wants to go to Columbus in February?  They haven't done well enough for anyone to care all that much.  In fact, the most notable event in their history was when Espen Knutsen killed that girl by accident with a stray puck.  This team has everything you want in a contraction candidate.  FOLD

Capitals
I can't in good faith offer up the Caps for contraction or relocation.  Washington has supported hockey in the past, and we are capable of doing so again.  But that is a long, LONG way away right now.  Ted Leonsis is absolutely killing hockey in DC.  Nobody gives a shit about the Caps, and at $35 a pop just to sit in the upper level, how could we be expected to?  I'm sure the economics of the situation are such that prices are where they ought to be, but it says loads that nobody's coming out to see a guy of Ovechkin's talents.  I say it'd be shrewd of Leonsis to give back a little money every night in order to revive his dwindling fan base.  Otherwise, the economic arguments (fans pay the high ticket prices when the team wins) may not work out as well as Ted hopes.  I honestly don't think he should be daring us to stay away from Verizon Center.  SPARED, BUT NOT FOR LONG

Coyotes
The best thing this team has given Phoenix is air conditioning.  Fastest growing city my ass, those fuckers belong in Winnipeg.  Seriously, can anyone think of a single reason why we shouldn't shove a big fat "Return To Sender" sticker on the Coyotes?  I hope the Great One is secretly gutting the team with the intention of moving it back to Canada as a contribution to preservation of national heritage.  MOVE

NY/NJ: Islanders
Between the Isles and Devils, one of these two has gotta go.  The Isles are the natural choice, given recent history.  But much as the Isles are woefully mismanaged, I kinda like them where they are.  Their fans have a lovable sort of "why me?" mentality.  They have a franchise identity dating back to the 70s and 80s... Mike Bossy, Bryan Trottier, all those Cups.  They're likely to support a good, competent team.  Besides, this is my list.  SPARED

NY/NJ: Devils
Devils fans, on the other hand, could give a rat's ass about their team.  Despite being a legitimate Cup contender pretty much every single year since about 1994, they can't sell out the Meadowlands unless the Flyers or Rangers are visiting.  Given how far out of his way Lou Lamoriello goes to alienate everyone in a 50-mile radius, I can't blame those fans either.  Further, they've only been in New Jersey since the early 80s, so we're not talking about uprooting an institution of any kind.  So I'd move them to Portland, and rename them the Oregon Trails.  ("You lost two oxen.  Scott Gomez got two minutes for roughing.  Patrik Elias got dysentery and died.")  MOVE

Panthers
If a hockey team folds on the beach, does anybody care?  FOLD

Thrashers
Yeah, they won the division.  Yeah, they count Lil' Jon as their unofficial mascot.  Doesn't matter.  That city doesn't give a shit about sports.  The Braves are the only team that sells well, and it's mostly to do that obnoxious, racist chant all night.  They've got no business having any of their teams, let alone a fledgling hockey team.  However, I can't fold them at this point, because that'd leave us with an odd number of teams.  So we have to move them.

Now, I really enjoyed that part up above where I put the Coyotes back in Winnipeg.  I want more of that feeling.  Quebec City should get its hockey team back, since they were so loyal to the Avalanche even after they'd moved.  And doing that would leave Denver without hockey again, despite having proven itself to be a very worthy hockey city.

So I propose moving the Thrashers to Colorado, calling them the Avalanche, and restoring Les Nordiques to Quebec City.  Everybody wins... Denver gets better players, Quebec gets their team back, and we don't have to deal with shitty Atlanta being in the league.  MOVE

New Alignment

While I'm at it, let's rename the divisions back to what they were in the first place: Norris, Patrick, Adams, and Smythe.  Old-time hockey!!!  I think the following alignment makes a bunch of sense:

Adams	Patrick	Norris	Smythe
Boston	Rangers	Detroit	Los Angeles
Montreal	Islanders	Dallas	Anaheim
Ottawa	Philadelphia	Chicago	San Jose
Toronto	Washington	Minnesota	Oregon
Quebec	Carolina	Winnipeg	Calgary
Buffalo	Nashville	St. Louis	Edmonton
Pittsburgh	Tampa Bay	Colorado	Vancouver

Summary

This'll never happen.  Union concerns about lost jobs and whatnot.  And the thrust of this proposal is moving teams back to Canada!  Ha!  Still, as a genuine hockey fan, I think the league you see above looks a hell of a lot stronger than the one you see here.  It preserves all the key rivalries, both geographical and practical.  It puts the two best young teams on the planet, Buffalo and Pittsburgh, in the same division.  It even puts Detroit and Colorado in the same division, which could get ugly.  (That's good.)  And it returns hockey to Canada in a significant way, since America generally has no need for it.

There wouldn't be any huge shifts in talent via the contraction dispersal draft... you're looking at Rick Nash, Olli Jokinen, Nathan Horton, Fredrik Norrena and Jay Bouwmeester moving to the five worst teams in hockey, Sergei Fedorov landing somewhere new and making you say "hmmmm," unsigned entry draftees becoming the property of new teams, and the rest just adding to depth.  Still, the league's talent level would be that much better, which really has to help.

Well, this is what I think they should do.

Multiple Overtimes: The Way REAL Men Do It

I love playoff hockey.

Why?  Because the NHL does away with those lame-ass shootouts and decides games the way they were meant to be decided: sudden-death overtime.  None of this retarded soccer-bitch gimmicky bullshit with penalty shots.  They play forever, until someone scores a goal.  The way it should be.  And when they actually score... it's unbelievable.  "Ridiculously long playoff hockey overtime" is #2 on my list of Most Exciting Sporting Spectacles, a fraction of a hair behind "NCAA Tournament buzzer-beater."

That's why I'm so thrilled that the Canucks and Stars took four overtimes to decide last night's this morning's Game 1.  78 minutes of overtime, after 60 minutes of regulation.  Roberto Luongo made 72 saves.  SEVENTY-TWO!  The game ended sometime around 3 AM on the east coast.  Goddamn right it did.  THAT is how you decide a hockey game.

Glad to see we've already had two overtime thrillers (Sharks-Preds went into 2OT) and we're only one day in.  Let's hope this continues.

Got no time for you triflin' ass broke breezies...

...cause the playoffs are here.


(thanks Deadspin for the pic)

Now, full disclosure, I haven't watched basically ANY hockey this year. I think about 5 minutes is the longest stretch of game I've watched. I couldn't name the top line on any NHL team. I don't even know what the seeding is. The closest I've been to an NHL game is this:



So without further ado, is my Ignorant Playoff Preview. You down with IPP?

The Contenders:

Penguins v. Ottawa
Team I'll be rooting for= Penguins.
Why= They could go from near-eviction to cup champions in a three month span. Such is the life of a pimp.
Slogan= Let my nuts go, bitch.

Atlanta v. NY Rangers
Team I'll be rooting for= Rangers.
Why= My second favorite team in sports, the Rangers have fallen out of my life since the season-cancelling debacle. Now, with a younger, faster, better league, and with the Rangers back in the playoffs, there's every reason for me to get back into hockey. If the Rangers can pull off a few wins, I'll likely be hooked.
Slogan= Give me a reason to love you (I just wanna be a woman).

NJ Devils v. Tampa Bay
Team I'll be rooting for= Neither.
Why= Cause Tampa should not have a hockey team, and cause fuck the Devils, that's why
Slogan= Security on my dick bitch, I don't give a fuck!

Buffalo v. Islanders
Team I'll be rooting for= Buffalo.
Why= Much like Philly, Buffalo could use some love. And fuck Long Island.
Slogan= Well get it crunk, mothafucker get crunk.

Detroit v. Calgary
Team I'll be rooting for= Calgary.
Why= Cause I'm rooting for Pitt over Ottawa, and you gotta root for a Canada team.
Slogan= Old man McGirt, lookin' under your skirt. Fucked the pussy til' it's orange, like Ernie and Bert.

Anaheim v. Minnesota
Team I'll be rooting for= Minnesota.
Why= A closer call than I would have thought- Anaheim have the beast that is Chris Pronger, and Scott Niedermayer, a video hockey hall of famer. That said, this is hockey, people, not a fake bake contest. Fuck Anaheim.
Slogan= I need unguent.

Vancouver v. Dallas
Team I'll be rooting for= Vancouver
Why= Vancouver has the best logo in the NHL, and is on the short list of cities I really really want to visit. Dallas has gun racks and Jerry Jones. Fuck Dallas(Man, these geographic matchups are making choosing sides really easy).
Slogan= You can run but you can't hide from the westside.

Nashville v. San Jose
Team I'll be rooting for= San Jose
Why= Cause with every Joey Bananas playoff win, a little piece of Jeff dies.
Slogan= Did you think you can fuck wit us, BONE, BONE-BONE-BONE-BONE.