Postgame Spread
You guys hangin' out? I'll hang out.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Congratulations To The Yankees    

For losing the division because they didn't defend against a bunt. Pathetic.

And of course:


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Friday, September 28, 2007

First LOL-Free Post In Like Three Weeks    

Must... resist... urge... to make... lolrockies...

American League

AL East
Nothing's happened to change my mind here. Sox are still the better team, especially now that Manny is not just healthy but hot. They'll take the two games they need to win all by themselves, regardless of what the Yankees do.

AL home-field
I bet the Sox will pull this one out too. I'm not impressed by the Indians; I feel like they've peaked.

But if not, whatever. I'm not worried about who the Sox play. I'd kinda like the Yankees to play the Angels, but that looks unlikely w/o the Yankees taking the division. Which won't happen. So it's moot.

National League
What a weekend. Phils finally grab first place... Rocks surge towards the top of an entirely winnable division... Cubs refuse to snag the even more winnable Central... it should make for amazing viewing today and tomorrow.

They look dead. And Pedro didn't pull out a win yesterday, not that he pitched all that badly.

But weirder turnarounds have happened. People don't remember that the 2005 White Sox nearly blew their insurmountable lead over Cleveland, and only narrowly escaped with the Central title prior to their total domination of the playoffs.

Could this finally be the year where a good team makes the NL playoffs??? Let's hope so. Gotta love this team.

A Whale's Vagina
The Padres don't look so good. That cockgobbling umpire pretty much fucked them over. They're staying afloat, but I don't see them sweeping the Brewers, bad as Milwaukee has been, which is what they need to do to hold onto that wild card.

Nobody's paid much attention to them, but they're probably the best team in the NL right now, albeit by default. I bet they end up winning the pennant, if only because they're the least expected, least known, and least sexy.

I don't have much faith in the Rockies taking all three games from the D-Backs, especially not against Brandon Webb tonight. I'll still be rooting my ass off for them, but I don't see them winning 14 in a row to close out the season and earn a spot. (As with the Pads, I think they need to sweep.)

Brew Crew
Milwaukee sucks too much to take the division. Makes me sad, but they've blown it quite thoroughly. More disappointing than the Mets collapse, which is really just the Mets making up for how much they should have sucked (but didn't) back in April and May

I'm amazed the Cubs are the team that survived the Central. That approach to roster building should not have worked. But I like the Cubs as a franchise, so good for them. I'd be OK with them making the World Series for once.

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Thursday, September 27, 2007

Lolsox pt. II    
Wild Card Attained    

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Alex Rodriguez: I hadda guy's finga up my asshole tonight.
Dioner Navarro: Is it Friday already?

(Too subtle? Are the hands too close together?)

This is the kind of shit that happens when the Sox try to catch up to the Yankees... the worst catcher in baseball hits a walkoff HR and shoots your margin of error straight to hell. It's nice to see the realities of a 162-game schedule work in MY favor for a change.

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Yankee AnalYsis: The Freshman Class    

Here's my quick analysis of the Yankee rookies, photos courtesy of pinstripe alley.

Joba: looks fat, even in a lion costume.

Phil Hughes: entirely too pleased with himself.

Ian Kennedy: I'd hit it.

Kei Igawa: Good lord that costume is awesome.

Chase Wright: overshadowed by the fact that Phil Hughes is rocking the fanny pack. I'm supposed to trust the future of this team to a dude in a fanny pack?

Edwar: That is one stringy gramama.

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Friday, September 21, 2007

Live Blog Pt II    

Actually, come to think of it:

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Live Blog: Blue Jays/Yankees 9.21.07    

10th inning: SCOTT DOWNS IS A FUCK
11th inning: SCOTT DOWNS IS A FUCK


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There Was Once A Time When Benny Agbayani Was Happy...    

Chris sent me a Deadspin link that we should all read if we haven't already.  Enjoy!  The Agbayani one is my favorite, as you can see from my headline.  It's the very last moment prior to realizing he's been nutted.  That picture should be in biology textbooks as a demonstration of nerve reaction time.

Red Sox Lollerkakke    

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Pop Quiz    

Q1: What is 1,056 dicks?

Q2: What is 1.5 games?

A1: A lot of dicks

A2: Two more blown saves by the God of Fuck.

Beep! Perfect score. Gold star.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

One more week...    

New York

Series opponent record record v. opponent # games home or away
BMore   64-86 6--8 1 home
Toronto 76-75 8--6 4 home
BMore   64-86 6--8 3 away
Tampa   63-89 8--7 3 away


Series opponent record record v. opponent # games home or away
Toronto 76-75 9--8 1 away
Tampa   63-89 11--4 3 away
Oakland 74-79 2--4 2 home
Minn    74-77 8--10 4 home


Monday, September 17, 2007

Sox-Yankees Debrief    

Great series.  All three games were intense, hard-fought and exciting.  Even the Saturday blowout was hotly contested until the Turd Brigade came in from the Yankee bullpen.

Dropping two of three at home to the Yankees is normally a big problem, but not so much this time.  The Sox got the one win needed to render the entire series moot.  As a result, the uncharacteristic bullpen meltdown on Friday and the characteristic clutch hit from Derek Jeter last night give me no reason to bemoan the state of the team, the likelihood of holding on for the division title, or their chances come October.  The race is now over, barring a slew of catastrophic injuries.  Everything's cool.

In fact, even in defeat there are a couple bright spots:

Look how well they did without Manny, and without any David Ortiz heroics.
Losing a pair of one-run games without much help from either of their big guns has to be heartening, if only because we know the team is so close to total domination.  If Manny's rested, and Ortiz gets some time to rest up next week, there's plenty of reason to believe they'll be healthier and more effective come the playoffs.

Eric Gagne looked pretty good.
Did he not?  Two innings in tight games, and he brought the smoke.  Give him some regular, non-strenuous work over the next two weeks, and hope he can work back to a setup role.  Okajima-san is looking tired, and Gagne will be absolutely crucial for a playoff push.

So did Curt Schilling.
Someone looks ready for October.  He screwed up against Jeter, but better to get a catastrophe like that out of the system now, instead of a month from now.

Not Mariano Rivera, though.
I'm actually concerned for his health.  It's just that you hear all kinds of stories about old men dying from the winter cold, and I'd hate for anything to happen to him.  In the post-2004 world, I can allow myself to worry about Mo's well-being and treat him like any other person.

Jacoby Friggin Ellsbury.
If Bronson Arroyo had nuts the size of Saturn, Ellsbury's are the size of Jupiter.  If he's not on the playoff roster, Tito can eat a dick.

Fatty gave up a run!
Joba coughed up a HR to Lowell.  He must've been distracted somehow.  Did somebody order a stack of bacon cheeseburgers in the Yankee bullpen?  If so, Joba will gladly pay you Tuesday.

Oh my God, that's... that's J.D. Drew's music!!!
He drove in critical runs on both Friday and Saturday.  And last night he managed to not hit into an inning-ending double play in the eighth, fighting his typical modus operandi.  So while he's still not really doing his job, he's not an absolute zero at the moment.  There may be hope for him after all.  Something as simple as avoiding the GIDP... being ineffective, as opposed to destructive... is all we really need to see.

I'd also like to partially retract my venomous rage against Drew.  Knowing more about his infant son's surgery makes me feel, as I did with Matt Clement, like a heel for attacking Drew so viciously.  Not that I've changed my position; I reiterate that if he's unable play above replacement-level, then he should be replaced, as the stat suggests, and given indefinite leave to deal with the home front.  It's far from unfair at this point, especially given young master Jacoby's hey-look-at-me act the last few weeks.  But he seems to be [knock wood] showing signs of life.

No sweep = no title for you.

It's just not happening.  This is me, Red Sox fan, coming out and saying it.  Goodnight, Gracie.  Have a nice trip to California.

My New First-Ever Favorite Yankee    

Shelley Duncan signed "Red Sox Suck!" in a 10-year-old kid's autograph book.

Boy, do I love that.  Duncan may be joking, but even thinking to invert the "Yankees Suck!" thing in jest lends credence to the current (i.e. inverted) state of the traditional Yankees-Sox relationship.  The Yankee rookies' introduction to Sox fans isn't the same as it would have been for past can't-miss Yankee prospects, like Ricky Ledee and Shane Spencer.  They are the hunters, not the hunted.  They look like they take this shit seriously.

And not just seriously, but personally too.  Anyone else see how future fat-camper Joba Chamberlain reacted to Jeet's HR last night?  Joba was one pumped-up meathead.  I thought he was gonna celebrate by eating Brian Bruney's leg.  Actually, he looked like he'd just won the World Series... or, even better, had found out a Golden Corral had opened in Midtown.

(Settle down, Roger, I'm joking.  There's no Golden Corrals in NYC.  And no, I'm not gonna eat my fat.)

Anyway, just pointing out more evidence that a new era in the oh-so-young "rivalry" between the two teams has begun.  I'll put "Shelley Duncan buys in" right next to "AL East race all over with two weeks to spare."

Friday, September 14, 2007



So they were fined $750K and a 1st-round draft pick... the toughest non-punishment possible.

What do we learn from this?

1. Nothing serious happened.
Roger Goodell is a fascist, and not shy about it. And yet he didn't suspend Belichick for a single game, when he allegedly had every reason to. That's conclusive enough for me.

The end result was still run-of-the-mill gamesmanship. A little bit unfair, but certainly commensurate with the punishment levied.

2. The fines and picks were mostly political.
Goodell still had to look like he's taking this seriously, however. Hence the "unprecedented" punishment. Of course, unprecedented doesn't necessarily imply harshness. If Belichick had been fined 12 hamburgers and a bucket of pureed Spam canisters, that would also have been unprecedented. But not particularly harmful.

3. I now know how San Francisco Giants fans feel.
The crimes committed have almost nothing to do with each other. But the witch hunt is the same. Everyone, myself included, enjoyed nailing the despicable Barry Bonds for personal reasons; so it goes with the Belichick hate-sluice. The dike of hate has been busted open.

It makes me want to cut the Bonds defenders a LOT of slack. They're not in the right, but it really sucks to get attacked for shit you didn't do, and have your thoughts and opinions totally invalidated simply because of your rooting interests. God forbid you don't join in with the witch-burning with the rest of the mob. It's just lazy thinking.

Similarly lazy is the failure to put what actually happened into context, and consider what advantage was gained by "cheating." The tangible effect was minimal; illegal for sure, but hardly serious. But no... people pretty much stopped at "cheating" and "Belichick," two things NFL fans hate, being lumped together.

4. This story won't die that easily.
Nobody cares about the punishment. The whole "it's done, let's move on" way of thinking isn't gonna happen. And I can't blame anyone who feels that way. I still do not recognize the Spurs as the 2007 NBA champions, nor will I ever. Everyone's gonna bitch about this until the season ends.

Of course, the originators of the "nobody respected us, nobody believed we could do it" motivational tactic are right back in that old, familiar spot. Hmmm, isn't THAT convenient! Gosh, this "cheating" story is the worst thing that could have possibly happened... TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

5. Thankfully, I'm done with this topic
We now return you to the rest of my irrational sports coverage.


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Thursday, September 13, 2007

More On The Big Fat Cheating Meanies    

And here's where I finally rant enough to earn myself an actual Crazy Jeff tag.

Apparently the "sync at halftime" system is precisely what they were doing with the tapes, according to some unlinked but published report. That changes things somewhat... that qualifies as proof of real-time shenanigans. Doesn't make it meaningful, but it's definitely far different than the after-the-fact stuff I hypothesized yesterday.

I'm fine with whatever punishment. The punishment levied isn't my beef with the situation, so whatever they want to do (picks, forfeits, big-ass suspensions, all three) is fine by me. Ideally, I'd prefer that it be appropriate to the actual crime, as opposed to a political maneuver to suck America's ignorant, reactionary cock. But hey, that's the bed they made when they cheated, so come what may.

However, my cooperation depends on America owning up to the following facts:

  1. This gained the Pats a slight advantage at best, and did not affect any game outcomes
  2. Belichick did it because he's psycho, not because it would actually make a difference
  3. The only reason people are so pissed is because it's the Patriots
Seriously, America, admit it. Stop pretending it isn't personal. You look ridiculous. They're the team you hated for no reason. Now you have a reason, and you're exploiting it. Don't even think you'd feel the same way if it were the Chargers or the Bears.

In fact, you want proof of how full of shit you sanctimonious motherfuckers are? Two words: Shawne Merriman. QED, fuckos. He cheats, and his punishment is a Pro Bowl trip and a Nike commercial. EVERYONE turns the other way. But as soon as the Patriots cheat, somehow it's the goddamn 9/11 of sports. coughbullshitcough

Sorry, America, but Simmons and Aaron Schatz have it right. They nail the position of both Patriots fans (bummed, shamed) and the actual importance of the issue (not). They are voices of reason in a world gone mad, and I don't care how it looks for me to say so.

You want proof of that? Even King Kaufman thinks the whole thing is stupid. In fact, he objects to it a lot more vehemently than Simmons does! That there's the end of the argument, folks. It's as good as having God come out of the sky, in human form, to kick Skip Bayless in the beanbag.

Yeah, so I cited two Pats homers as part of my defense. Guess what: fuck you. I've been reading nothing but "fuck the Pats" stories all week, and I'm sick of it. Simmons is right, and you're wrong. I'm with Belichick: eat a dick. Suck it, swallow it, choke on it.

Here's why those two guys can be both Pats fans and reasonable. You may not agree with the end result, but Boston fans at least attempt to be well-informed. There are plenty of folks for whom that's not the case at all, but the smart ones strive to claim Boston superiority from as nonpartisan a standpoint as possible.

I have no qualms claiming myself as one of the informed. I know I do enough legwork to back that up. And say what you will, but Simmons and Schatz are nothing if not informed.

I've spent the better part of this week (as you can tell) reading everything I can on the topic of VideoGate, in a half-assed effort to determine whether the Pats were actually in the wrong. My motivation may be to defend and/or rationalize, but the reading I've done nevertheless gives me as good and considered a read on the situation as anyone.

So, tell me why I (or those two) should take any guff of any nature from some schmuck who watched SportsCenter, said "deah, Patriots suck, screw 'em!!!" and called it a day. F that. I put in days of effort towards fairness; what's everyone else doing to get to the bottom of things?

If America doesn't want to hear from Simmons and Schatz, they can put someone forward with half a brain to argue against them. Otherwise, drain this cup.

Anyway... they still didn't cheat. They did everything they've been accused of by the NFL, and should be punished for it all. But it's not cheating. Sorry.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Guess who's back
Back again

Papi's back / tell a friend

That's right, fignuts: Papi's up to his old tricks again, just in time for the playoffs.

(I fully expect Hines Ward to accuse him of cheating by the end of the week.)

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More Stuff About "Cheating"    

You'll note by those double-quotes that the backlash has inspired a change of heart in me.

Yesterday, I battered the Patriots for the whole videotaping fiasco.  I was more interested in piling on than in defending them, since they don't really deserve much defense for pulling this crap.  The whole thing is embarrassing, stupid, and (worst of all) totally unnecessary.  And as a group, the people running the team are pretty much arrogant, despicable, thoroughly unlikable individuals.  So I feel little need to defend their honor.  On that count, I'm not particularly concerned about how severely they're punished.

It's the perception issues that bother me.  Everyone's having their fun at the Patriots' expense.  There's a lot of misinformation out there, now that the backlash has spiraled so far out of control.  We're now fully engaged in echo-chamber absolutism: someone said "cheating," and everyone flipped out.  When someone tells me it's cheating, I react by saying it should never ever be allowed, no matter what the cheating actually entailed.  That way, I don't have to consider shades of grey!


I'm all for punishing rule-breakers, Belichick included.  Any of our six readers will know that I'm as guilty of outraged righteousness as anybody.  But you have to be a moron, a Nazi, or Crazy Jeff in full-throttle rage mode to claim that this somehow explains or negates the Patriots' success.  No.  Rotten as it was to break the rules, it is mostly ignorant and entirely without merit to chalk up the success of the franchise to espionage.

I have a lot to say about this.  (Six posts in one!)

It doesn't appear to have affected Sunday's game
Let's look at what actually happened.  Someone on the coaching staff, certainly at Belichick's command, videotaped the opposing coaches' hand signals against league rules.  That video would later be synced up with video of the play, which would expose what the hand signals represented.  The information gleaned from that sync would allow Belichick, Brady et al to counterpunch by calling audibles, thus increasing the chances of success on a particular play... the subsequent matchup.  That sync-up was not happening in real time.  Nor were they broadcasting into the coaches' box or anything, as far as I can tell.  Plus, the guy was caught in the first quarter, well before the Patriots did any significant damage.  I have a hard time believing anyone can argue that they affected the game.  There goes the forfeit argument.

The notion that they were just using their own preferred angle for postmortem analysis (containing the exact same information as any other overhead video from the game), thereby flipping off the NFL and what they would see as unnecessary, draconian rules, makes far more sense than Belichick cheating so stupidly and obviously.  Not saying it's impossible, just saying the many cries of "it doesn't make any sense" with reference to one of the smartest men ever employed in the NFL is too telling.  (Lehr, the arrogance factor is indeed there, but I don't think that's a sufficient explanation.)

Anyway, once you realize how unlikely it is that they cheated in the middle of any game, the word "cheating" no longer seems appropriate.  And the whole proceeding takes on the form of a witch hunt.  Or, you know, a fabricated scandal.

They aren't the only ones trying to figure out signals
They're just the ones who got caught, and who broke league rules to do it.  Read the remarks from Charley Casserly last winter about the Dolphins' attempts to decode signs.  The Dolphins synced up audio (all of it obtained legally) to the plays in order to determine the same information.  Is that not in the same ballpark as what the Pats did illegally?

Also consider Casserly's story about a team that apparently bugged a lineman in order to catch audio of the opposing quarterback.  So one extra camera on the sideline is a capital crime, but bugging is no big deal?  Yeah, that's consistent.

Lots of teams are trying to do the same exact thing, legally or otherwise.  Nobody should be acting like the Patriots are alone in this.  To hold up Belichick as the one guy who did this is either naive or disingenuous.  They're only alone in being stupid enough to get caught.

Who would be so dumb as to continue using the same signs?
So, the Pats apparently have a reputation for stealing signs.  The league's worst-kept secret, it turns out.  Everyone knows the Pats will be pulling this shit on them.

If it's so commonly known, why would anyone go up against New England without brand-new signals?  They do want to win, don't they?

Why would they not change things up anyway, even without the allegations?  Anyone silly enough to assume their signs wouldn't be stolen deserves to lose.  If baseball teams can change things up frequently and still function, so can football teams.  Sorry, Coach, but you were given a brain as a child, and I expect you to use it.  Sign-stealing should give you a temporary edge, not a permanent one.

Time for the embittered Rules Nazis to come out of hiding
There's another group out there saying the Pats knowingly broke a rule and deserve to be punished.  The rule is there for a reason, there's no excuse for disobedience, etc.

I would ask these hall-monitor wannabes if they've ever driven 56 miles per hour.  Throwing stones from glass houses and whatnot.

I would ask these brilliantly nuanced thinkers to the number of dirty hits and uncalled holding penalties that take place over the course of a football game.  The sum total of uncalled penalty yardage that unassessed by NFL referees since the dawn of man would probably stretch to Neptune.  Never mind the other calls that teams have gotten away with.

Finally, I would ask them to put a number on how many NFL players have smoked weed in the last calendar year.  Good luck enforcing that.  If you took away a draft pick for every player caught with weed, the draft wouldn't happen until 2021.

In short, show me an honest football team that hasn't bent a single rule on any level, and I'll show you twenty illegal acts they performed this past weekend alone.  There's no high road to be taken by any team out there... it's thirty-two low roads.  As in life, you have to decide where to draw a line.

And that's the true problem, isn't it?  Not that a rule was broken, but that a line was crossed.  Keying a car and pissing on that car's tires are both acts of vandalism, but only one of them crosses a line.  Belichick didn't care for the line.  Right and wrong don't enter into it this time.

The "fall" of an otherwise perfect franchise
This is a joke, right?

The New-England-does-things-the-right-way stuff is hogwash.  And that's not news, either.  Bill Belichick is an arrogant scumbag.  Scott Pioli is also an arrogant scumbag; ask Deion Branch, Adam Vinatieri and Asante Samuel about him.  Bob Kraft... arrogant scumbag.  Lots of the players, too, as Human Growth Harrison has reminded us.  Anything the mainstream says about the Pats as a symbol of truth, justice, etc. is unadulterated bullcrap.

This revelation, then, doesn't contradict the team's pristine public image.  It contradicts a bunch of known, proven bullcrap.  They were always capable of something like this.  THEY ARE... WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!  IF YOU WANNA CROWN THEM, CROWN THEIR ASS!!!

I hate to go here...
...but I have no choice but to wonder what the real motivations are behind all this moral outrage.

Everyone hates the Pats.  They win all the time.  They've benefited from luck breaks more than once.  They've been pumped up as the embodiment of what's right about football: hard work, teamwork, brains, guile, blah blah blah.  People hate that shit.  Everyone's been chomping at the bit to tear them down; now they've got their excuse to attack.

I can empathize with that.  If this were baseball, and I found out the Yankees had a camera set up in center field relaying signs to the dugout, I'd undoubtedly be more bullshit than anyone.  But I'm sure you've already guessed what my #1 motivation for being so bullshit would be.

People have the right to be angry, but as soon as you go past Belichick simply being overcompetitive, greedy, classless and unethical, and start implicating the entire franchise's success because of this one thing, that's when you've started attacking the Pats for your own private reasons.  Ask yourself what your reaction would have been if the Bears were caught doing the same exact thing.  If it's any different, your reasons are personal, and you lose.  If you insist it would be the same, then I sincerely hope you're as honest with yourself as you think you are.

(As for the other side of that coin, I bet you doubt I'd defend another team as voraciously as I'm defending my own.  I might not defend them as thoroughly, but I don't know that I'd be out for blood in the same way.  So suck it.)

Last thing
Look, I'm ashamed of all this.  I'm not asking for sympathy or pity or whatever.  I've copped to my biases.  If the taping affected the game in progress in any way, I'd want to see some forfeits.

But having spent most of the last day thinking about the situation, that really doesn't look like the case.  So I really don't see what the big deal is.  Until we see some proof that they used their camera to steal signals in real time, what they did was break a league regulation that had no bearing on the game's outcome, but gives them a slight edge in the film room (assuming their opponents aren't complete idiots).  Is that really worth a big, nasty scandal?  And would it have gotten to this point if it were anybody else?  I think not.

Let the punishment fit the crime, and give the moral absolutism a rest.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Patriots Aren't Just Cheating On The Field    

The NFL is shocked -- shocked! -- to discover cheating in this establishment.  And now that the Jets have come forward, everyone else is lining up to join in.

For the purpose of this post, I am assuming the allegations are true.  There's nothing surprising about the (alleged) fact that the Pats cheated, based on some of the scummy way they seem to handle their private business.  And if there were any other reason for the cameras, they'd have made that reason public, wouldn't they?  So I'm going with Guilty.

And furthermore, if true, the Pats are entirely in the wrong and should have their asses penetrated by the league as severely as possible for pulling this crap.  Leave the cheating on the field where it belongs.

The surprising part is that the Pats cheated so transparently.  Bill Belichick has shown himself on numerous occasions to be not only scruples-deficient but extremely paranoid.  So they didn't even try to hide their acts of espionage?  Even after being caught in the act several times?  I'm almost disappointed in them more for failing so spectacularly than for cheating in the first place.  Kinda like how the worst part of Rodney Harrison's suspension is that we go from seeing Harrison as a wily veteran to thinking he's a friggin moron who didn't see any danger in using his real address for receiving his illegal HGH shipment.

This whole mess raises a bunch of questions:

* Why would they need a field-level camera?  Why not set something up in a less obvious location?  Thousands of perverts worldwide can afford spy cameras, but the New England Patriots can't?

* Are these teams objecting to the theft of signs, or to the cheapness of using video?  It's not as if this means the Pats are the only team stealing signs... they're just the only ones arrogant enough to do so in such a blatant manner.

* Where does Shawne Merriman of all people get off?  This is the most galling part: now they have steroid convicts lecturing them about cheating.

* How much of the Patriots' road success can be chalked up to having stolen signs?  Four teams have accused the Pats, and all four suffered uncompetitive blowouts.  Hmmm.

* The rumored punishment is that the Pats will forfeit a draft pick.  Shouldn't they forfeit the games?  This is one thing the NCAA has absolutely right: if you "cheat," you give back all the wins you chalked up as a result of "cheating."  (I use quotes b/c the definition of cheating is what the NCAA has so spectacularly wrong.)  What good does a draft pick do the Jets right now?

* Why would one of the few legitimate geniuses in football, with the most stacked roster on the planet, resort to these kinds of tricks?

Monday, September 10, 2007

Worst News Ever    

Some of you may have figured out that The Dugout is closing its doors in the next couple days, having been bought up by the soul-sucking profanity-unlaced piggybackers at AOL Fanhouse (which despite its imperialist tendencies is probably the best sports news site out there).

The general consensus, to nobody's surprise, is that this sucks.  It sucks, and it stinks, and it sucks.  It's uncertain what the new-look Dugout will be like, but if it's anything like the diet versions they've posted in the past, we're all in deep, deep trouble.

I don't begrudge them their well-earned payday.  They absolutely deserve to be compensated for doing what they're good at.  But I haven't got much faith in AOL to allow them to do what they're good at.  Look at what those rat bastards have done to poor Bethlehem Shoals of Free Darko fame.  What the hell's the point of hiring an mad absurdist genius like Shoals if all he can do is post YouTube videos and news updates like everyone else?  He's not for a mass audience.  He's great, but he's not for everyone.  They should have just faced it and embraced it.

But that's not what they do, which makes their hire of the Dugout crew all the more mind-boggling.  What does AOL think they're getting here?  These guys get laughs by making up words like "vagooter."  If they'd adhered to AOL-like rules from the beginning, we would never have seen the most classic stuff they've conceived.  For every Thome, Manny, and THE! PECOTA!, there's a Brothers Young, Gay Cuban A-Rod, and Professor Farnsworth, all of them cursing up a glorious storm, of whom we'd have been deprived.  That's bullshit.

It's as if they've hired a world-renowned chef to make some snot-nosed four-year-old kid a peanut butter sandwich.  Sure, the chef makes the peanut butter from scratch, bakes a fresh baguette, adds a light touch of Nutella to the top etc., resulting in the finest, greatest peanut butter sandwich ever assembled.  Folks, there's no way in HELL that kid eats the sandwich, because it's all crust, and it tastes weird, myahhh!  Because that's what happens when you try to give good shit to a stupid kid.  And that's exactly what I see happening when The Dugout appears in its neutered form on the Fanhouse.  The expression "pearls before swine" would rarely be so apt.  (That's right, AOL... Jesus said not to give nice shit to morons.)

As you can see, I'm a little distraught over this.  I'm trying to give everyone involved the benefit of the doubt, and failing miserably.  I really hope it works out, but I can't see it happening.

Anyway, the good news is that the Dugout crew is going out at the top of its game.  Their ongoing "goodbye" series has been top-notch from start to finish.  If you haven't been keeping up, catch up while you can.  And keep your fingers crossed that they update the real site every now and then.

Now You Can Find Out Which Crappy NFL Games You'll Be Forced To Endure    

Big ups to kottke for pointing out this site, which tells you which NFL games are airing in which markets on which days.  This is exactly the kind of thing that the league (and networks) should make readily available on their own, without having to wait for some poor civilian bastard to compile it manually.  Excellent little tool.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Ellsbury: Postseason Eligible?    

Good post by Amalie Benjamin concerning postseason roster machinations pertaining to injury replacements, clarifying a bunch of stuff that I wasn't clear on.

I had thought that the playoff roster would include anyone on the roster as of 8/31, when in fact players on the DL not only count towards that eligibility, but can be replaced by anybody they like.  So if, say, Brendan Donnelly can't miraculously return from his season-ending injury, the Sox can say "OK chums, time to pop a .400 hitter named Jacoby Ellsbury up your poop chutes.  Prepare to receive KING SHIT."

That's the only way Ellsbury could get in, but neither Donnelly nor Matt Clement will be joining us again in 2007, so there's definitely an opening.  And given that he's the only Sox player capable of playing the Dave Roberts role, why wouldn't they take him?  (The equally impressive and worthy Clay Buchholz would demand a similar maneuver.)

Thursday, September 06, 2007

We Are Fighting Here, I Died    

Someone finally translated Darko Milicic's tirade from the other day into English.  It's pretty inspired, especially the part about fucking the referees' daughters.  What a great way to end the day.

(I have to admit, I read the Fanhouse's sanitized version first, and it was lots of fun trying to play Mad Libs with whatever Darko said.)

Writer's Bloc Party: Minor League Edition    

I was all ready this morning to discuss the just-ended M's - Yanks series, which was one of the most crazy, bizarre, poorly officiated, and (given the outcome) sweet three game stretches I can remember seeing in the regular season.

I began my morning by perusing the M's blogs, which are pretty universally conceding the wild card race, and laying their hopes for the season to rest.

Then, thanks to USSMariner, I came across this piece, written by a minor league pitcher whose blog fascinates me. This guy gets it, on multiple levels, to a degree that I feel is really rare among professional athletes. Maybe its his long tenure toiling in obscurity, and the subsequent humility it's imparted on him. Maybe dude is just really smart. At the very least, he's a GREAT writer. Someone give this man a book deal.

And yes, Writer's Bloc Party is a working title for posts that discuss sports writing, good and bad.

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

NFL Predictions    

This year, no screwing around... we're gonna do this BEFORE the games start!  That's right, bask in the warm, inviting glow of our professionalism...

I'm kinda obligated to pick the Pats to win it all, which I think they'll do.  But it's not a fait accompli.  The absence of Human Growth Harrison and Richard Seymour for all of September, and the unknowns surrounding Randy "That Is A Disgusting Act" Moss, provide an added degree of difficulty.  They could very easily stumble out of the gate and blow their shot at home-field, considering that the Chargers, Colts and Ravens are entirely capable of winning 13 and contending for a first-round bye.  Great as the Pats have been, 1986 was the only time they've made the Super Bowl without a bye.

Other notable developments:

  • the Bills, Cowboys and Jaguars suck a nut
  • the Steelers and Seahawks will be punished for giving America the worst Super Bowl ever
  • I reject the trendiness of the Titans, and embrace that of the 49ers
  • the Falcons will overcome adversity to finish 8-8 and annoy a lot of people
  • the Lions will be much-improved on offense, but will still blow a big floppy
  • I always predict the Texans to reach respectability; no reason to stop now

And now, I present to you... the five-ass NFL predictions!  (HNNNNNNNNNUHHHH.)

AFC East




NFC East




AFC Playoffs
Patriots d. Chargers
Colts d. Broncos
Patriots d. Colts

NFC Playoffs
Bears d. Eagles
Saints d. 49ers
Bears d. Saints

Super Bowl
Patriots d. Bears

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Koolaid... Please Tell Me U Begul Shitting Me    

I just read something that hurts my heart.  Laurence Maroney claims that his construda-laden Facebook profile was a forgery.  He could be lying (after all, his employer has a black-belt in insincerity) and covering up the embarrassing, private thoughts ("wash u ass") found on the page.  But I doubt it.  So I guess it's all a fake.  But like the lady who waits 10 years for her little lost kitty to come home, I'm still holding out hope.