Postgame Spread
You guys hangin' out? I'll hang out.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Just Die, Baby    



Is Al Davis making dumb, franchise-crippling trades from beyond the grave?

Gosh, I hope so. There isn't a more fitting franchise in sports for an undead GM/owner than the Raiders. Their idiot fans already dress like Pirates of the Caribbean extras. And the logical conclusion of their cheating/dirty/dangerous/irresponsible persona is to actually BE ghosts and zombies and skeletons right?

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

NFL Overtime Dilemma: Solved    

Auctioning off first possession in overtime based on closeness to own goal line: great solution, or greatest solution?

For the most part I approve, if for no other reason than because you get to a place where nobody disagrees about who gets the ball. As it is, you can just vent your vag about how unfair it is that someone drove 60 yards on you, as if you didn't have a chance to stop them. This removes that nonsense entirely. You agree to stop someone on their own 12, and if you don't then you face the music unarmed. I like that.

On the other hand, I could see this actually leading to more ties if the ball is in a sufficiently annoying location. And that's a terrible outcome.

If OT is changed at all, I would want to see the removal of the tie in favor of the untimed sudden-death overtime. If college football can go on for five, six, seven OT periods, then there's no reason to argue that the players will be too tired to play longer than fifteen minutes. Presumably the current reason for ending a game in a tie is related to pleasing TV broadcasters, but the NFL seems like the one league that could increase unplanned gameplay and still keep local affiliates happy. Perhaps if OT were monetized above what local affiliates would receive for paid programming, the problem gets solved.

Either way, ties suck, and have nothing but ill effects, like Donovan McNabb talking, and the Eagles making the playoffs. If they can take away the tie that actually makes sense (hockey) then they should get rid of the one that doesn't.

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Monday, December 29, 2008

NFL Playoff Predictions: Favre You Suck Edition    



If I seem at all bitter about yesterday, it's because I am. It probably sucks more as a fan to have your team completely collapse on you, but it's more of an injustice to football that an 11-win team misses out in favor of a completely worthless 8-8 bag of turds. Given what's happened of late in the AFC, with Big Ben's concussion and Tennessee's collapse, I would not have bet against a Matt Cassel team winning three playoff games in a row. Pats/Ravens, Pats/Steelers-without-Big-Ben, Pats/Colts or Pats/Titans... those are all incredibly winnable games. Grrr.

But that's all moot. And besides, it will be fun watching the Chargers lose to the Colts 55-10 at home. So there's a silver lining of schadenfreude to enjoy.

Since the playoffs won't matter much to me, I'll just tell you how they'll turn out. Spoiler alert!!!

NFC

FALCONS over Cardinals
VIKINGS over Eagles

GIANTS over Falcons
VIKINGS over Panthers

GIANTS over Vikings

AFC

COLTS over Chargers
DOLPHINS over Ravens

COLTS over Titans
DOLPHINS over Steelers

COLTS over Dolphins

Super Bowl

COLTS over Giants, capping off the most annoying two weeks in sports media history.

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

PLAYOFFS?!?!?!?!???!?    



I'm probably not a good choice for writing up a playoff preview, since you probably can guess how I think it's gonna turn out. If you want a nice, thorough and non-partisan preview, go here. But if you want a biased Masshole opinion, keep reading.

FIRST ROUND

Washington at Seattle. Washington is tough enough, and Seattle is flimsy enough, that this could come up Redskins. Todd Collins, Santana Moss and Clinton Portis are all peaking at the right time. But sentimental favorites and "trendy" picks tend to come up short around this time of year, which does not bode well for the Redskins. Seattle 20, Washington 13.

New York at Tampa Bay. This has bloodbath written all over it. At least the Giants get to see Florida in January. Tampa Bay 31, New York 6.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh hasn't played well in a long, long time. With no running game and injuries aplenty, against a formidable Jaguar run defense... Jacksonville is overrated, but I don't see this one turning out well unless the Steelers open up an early lead on some wacky passing plays. Jacksonville 19, Pittsburgh 14.

Tennessee at San Diego. Loath as I am to pick a Norv Turner team (or textbook loser-QB Philip Rivers) to win a game of checkers, let alone outwit Jeff Fisher and his defense, I don't see Tennessee pulling off a road win against LaDainian Tomlinson. He and his O-line are playing too well, and the Titans' offense isn't playing well enough to keep up with him. I could see the Titans keeping LT2 in check, but I don't think it will happen. San Diego 28, Tennessee 16.

SECOND ROUND

Home teams win. Tampa and San Diego have the best chances to upset, but I still don't see it. We're gonna end up with the conference championships we've longed for since September.

Green Bay 27, Tampa Bay 13
Dallas 20, Seattle 10
Indianapolis 37, San Diego 28
New England 41, Jacksonville 14


CONFERENCE FINALS

Green Bay at Dallas. This is a toughie. The last time they played, Brett Favre had a Brett Farve meltdown, and Dallas hadn't lost its groove. This time, however, I actually like Green Bay. Tony Romo's not exactly playing with confidence, and Wade Phillips is in charge. No way that ends well. I'm not exactly a Favre-head, but I can't see him losing to friggin Wade Phillips. Green Bay 24, Dallas 21.

Indianapolis at New England. Another rematch. This one's gonna be really, REALLY interesting, if only because the Colts seem better suited for outdoor play than the homestanding Patriots. And it's not like the Pats are invincible; the month of December has proven that beyond a shadow. I see the game as a strict 50-50 proposition, where a bounce of the ball will decide the outcome between two equal teams. This one is going to be a goddamn classic... but you can guess how I think it'll turn out. New England 24, Indianapolis 21 (OT)

SUPER BOWL

Green Bay vs. New England. I can't see Green Bay's offense ringing up much of anything against the Pats unless Favre throws exclusively to Ellis "Weakest Link" Hobbs. (If only he could deflect passes with that mouth of his.) I can, however, see Brady leading a drive down the field against the Packers' excellent pass defense. I don't see Favre winning the matchup of gunslingers this time... but it'll be interesting. New England 21, Green Bay 14.

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Redskins Mediocrity: Explained With Video    

In the wake of Sean Taylor's death, people have been loath to discuss the elephant in the room: the Redskins have had yet another shitty year. As always, a promising offseason and high fan expectations explode into mediocrity and disappointment. Worst of all, the coaching staff doesn't seem to be doing their team any favors. That doesn't seem as important now, but the fact is that they've underachieved yet again.

Nothing illustrates the sadness of their situation better than the following video, sent to me a few months ago by Kelvin. It's so prescient, one can only be terrified by the subtitler's ability to see into the future, and predict that the Redskins would be bad.



This year will be different!

You say that every year!

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

League Optimization: NFL    

Time to revive the series I never completed...

If you've ever had a boil between your buttocks (which I haven't) then you know that the only way to relieve the pain is to freeze the boil and chisel it off.  Today I will chisel the NFL's ass boils from betwixt its cheeks.

This is a toughie.  The NFL is not only exceedingly strong at the moment, but it's also configured in an ideal 32-team alignment, so contraction is off the table.  Also note that there are very few sick franchises in the league, and the ones that ail are ailing because they want to ail.  (Just ail, baby!)  Therefore I expect this to be a very short examination.  Turn your head and cough.  And try to relax... this will feel a little cold...

The Contestants

The only relocation target worth discussing is Los Angeles.  They could (and clearly would) support a team.  But with the league in such good health, you can't add an LA franchise without ripping the soul out from one of the following markets:

  • Arizona
  • Oakland
  • San Diego
  • Jacksonville
Arizona
Just because they've just christened their new stadium (the Pink Taco!) doesn't mean they stop being the Arizona Cardinals.  That having been said, I think it would be cruel to move the team from Phoenix now.  We have no idea whether the people of Arizona would support a real football team in a real stadium, because in 20 years they've never had that.  The one-time sad sacks of the league (Patriots, Bengals, Buccaneers) have shown that NFL football done right is a can't-miss proposition.  STAY

Oakland
Al Davis is the wildcard, or in his case the batshit-crazycard.  I could see him swooping down on LA (again) and taking the market away from Jacksonville, leaving Wayne Weaver an angry man with an angrier fanbase.  But I'm not touching them.  Keeping their idiot team and its idiot fans sequestered in Oakland keeps the rest of us clean and disease-free.  (Man, if I could put money on the inevitable North American flu pandemic starting because some dipshit Raider fan ate a sausage off the ground in the parking lot...)  STAY

San Diego
The Chargers always seem to come up, if only because of the proximity.  Like the Clippers before them, Los Angeles beckons, and provides San Diegans (?) with the best opportunity to remain loyal if they choose to do so.  I remember back when the Pats had a deal in place to move to Hartford... and I didn't give even a tiny, rabbit-sized nugget of shit about it.  Who would even care?  They'd still be on TV, and they're not, like, out of the area.  LA is not San Diego, but the same thinking is more likely to apply to Charger fans than to, say, Vikings fans.  Still... not the best move.  STAY

Jacksonville
Bingo.  The team is run well, they've had some good years, haven't had very many bad years at all.  A model franchise.  And the fans aren't coming out.  When even a last place team can (and will) sell out, that situation is downright unacceptable, even before factoring the tiny media market.  I'd love to bail them out, since I'm a sucker for teams in non-traditional markets... but it just makes too much sense.  MOVE

The New Alignment

Ah, the tricky part.  Picking the poor bastards who lose their team is the easy part... figuring out how to put a team in LA without breaking up the intense AFC West rivalries is the hard part.  The obvious move is to put the Chiefs in the south, where they can develop the same distaste for Indianapolis that the rest of us have.  But they have blood rivalries with the Raiders and Broncos that you don't really want to break up.

But let's also look at another team that nobody gives a rat's ass about: Atlanta.  Boy, do I love realigning and relocating their teams.  Maybe it makes me happy to think that a rotten city with no fans and a track record of playoff failures can be punished.  Regardless, the upside of having zero history is that there aren't any really worthwhile rivalries to concern ourselves with.  Atlanta could be just as happy in the AFC fighting for Southern supremacy against the Titans as they would be in the same battle with Carolina or Tampa or whatever.  And if they aren't... who'd care?  Their 23 fans?  Please.  Screw 'em.

So if we rotate the Falcons into Jacksonville's old spot... then stick the Los Angeles Jaguars in the NFC West... all we have to do is put the Rams in the Falcons' old NFC South spot (rekindling the Rams/Saints rivalry from the Rams' early-2000s "dynasty") and we have a workable new alignment.

AFC EAST
AFC NORTH
AFC SOUTH
AFC WEST
New England
Pittsburgh
Indianapolis
Denver
Buffalo
Cleveland
Houston
Oakland
Miami
Cincinnati
Tennessee
A Whale's Vagina
New York Jets
Baltimore
Atlanta
Kansas City

NFC EAST
NFC NORTH
NFC SOUTH
NFC WEST
New York Giants
Green Bay
New Orleans
San Francisco
Washington
Chicago
Carolina
Arizona
Philadelphia
Detroit
Tampa Bay
Seattle
Dallas
Minnesota
St. Louis Los Angeles

The only alternative I could see would be to move the Saints into the AFC South instead of the Falcons.  The Saints would have an instant blood feud with Houston, but St. Louis would be really screwed, with neither a geographic nor a competitive rival closer than Atlanta.  So that's out.

Conclusion

Is this much of an improvement?  Probably not.  Moving Atlanta away from Carolina is a realignment "minus."  But it's still outweighed by the "plus" of giving the Saints someone to play with, and putting Los Angeles in a geographically appropriate division.  And it's better than, say, the Vikings moving to LA, which would make Chris Berman cry a greasy, fat-laden tear at the thought of breaking up the NFC Norris.  But if the Jags were to move, I'd think this is better than leaving LA in Tennessee's division.

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Friday, September 14, 2007

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH    

DAY WANNA WONGA, SLEEMO?



So they were fined $750K and a 1st-round draft pick... the toughest non-punishment possible.

What do we learn from this?

1. Nothing serious happened.
Roger Goodell is a fascist, and not shy about it. And yet he didn't suspend Belichick for a single game, when he allegedly had every reason to. That's conclusive enough for me.

The end result was still run-of-the-mill gamesmanship. A little bit unfair, but certainly commensurate with the punishment levied.

2. The fines and picks were mostly political.
Goodell still had to look like he's taking this seriously, however. Hence the "unprecedented" punishment. Of course, unprecedented doesn't necessarily imply harshness. If Belichick had been fined 12 hamburgers and a bucket of pureed Spam canisters, that would also have been unprecedented. But not particularly harmful.

3. I now know how San Francisco Giants fans feel.
The crimes committed have almost nothing to do with each other. But the witch hunt is the same. Everyone, myself included, enjoyed nailing the despicable Barry Bonds for personal reasons; so it goes with the Belichick hate-sluice. The dike of hate has been busted open.

It makes me want to cut the Bonds defenders a LOT of slack. They're not in the right, but it really sucks to get attacked for shit you didn't do, and have your thoughts and opinions totally invalidated simply because of your rooting interests. God forbid you don't join in with the witch-burning with the rest of the mob. It's just lazy thinking.

Similarly lazy is the failure to put what actually happened into context, and consider what advantage was gained by "cheating." The tangible effect was minimal; illegal for sure, but hardly serious. But no... people pretty much stopped at "cheating" and "Belichick," two things NFL fans hate, being lumped together.

4. This story won't die that easily.
Nobody cares about the punishment. The whole "it's done, let's move on" way of thinking isn't gonna happen. And I can't blame anyone who feels that way. I still do not recognize the Spurs as the 2007 NBA champions, nor will I ever. Everyone's gonna bitch about this until the season ends.

Of course, the originators of the "nobody respected us, nobody believed we could do it" motivational tactic are right back in that old, familiar spot. Hmmm, isn't THAT convenient! Gosh, this "cheating" story is the worst thing that could have possibly happened... TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

5. Thankfully, I'm done with this topic
We now return you to the rest of my irrational sports coverage.

YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK


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Thursday, September 13, 2007

More On The Big Fat Cheating Meanies    

And here's where I finally rant enough to earn myself an actual Crazy Jeff tag.

Apparently the "sync at halftime" system is precisely what they were doing with the tapes, according to some unlinked but published report. That changes things somewhat... that qualifies as proof of real-time shenanigans. Doesn't make it meaningful, but it's definitely far different than the after-the-fact stuff I hypothesized yesterday.

I'm fine with whatever punishment. The punishment levied isn't my beef with the situation, so whatever they want to do (picks, forfeits, big-ass suspensions, all three) is fine by me. Ideally, I'd prefer that it be appropriate to the actual crime, as opposed to a political maneuver to suck America's ignorant, reactionary cock. But hey, that's the bed they made when they cheated, so come what may.

However, my cooperation depends on America owning up to the following facts:

  1. This gained the Pats a slight advantage at best, and did not affect any game outcomes
  2. Belichick did it because he's psycho, not because it would actually make a difference
  3. The only reason people are so pissed is because it's the Patriots
Seriously, America, admit it. Stop pretending it isn't personal. You look ridiculous. They're the team you hated for no reason. Now you have a reason, and you're exploiting it. Don't even think you'd feel the same way if it were the Chargers or the Bears.

In fact, you want proof of how full of shit you sanctimonious motherfuckers are? Two words: Shawne Merriman. QED, fuckos. He cheats, and his punishment is a Pro Bowl trip and a Nike commercial. EVERYONE turns the other way. But as soon as the Patriots cheat, somehow it's the goddamn 9/11 of sports. coughbullshitcough

Sorry, America, but Simmons and Aaron Schatz have it right. They nail the position of both Patriots fans (bummed, shamed) and the actual importance of the issue (not). They are voices of reason in a world gone mad, and I don't care how it looks for me to say so.

You want proof of that? Even King Kaufman thinks the whole thing is stupid. In fact, he objects to it a lot more vehemently than Simmons does! That there's the end of the argument, folks. It's as good as having God come out of the sky, in human form, to kick Skip Bayless in the beanbag.

Yeah, so I cited two Pats homers as part of my defense. Guess what: fuck you. I've been reading nothing but "fuck the Pats" stories all week, and I'm sick of it. Simmons is right, and you're wrong. I'm with Belichick: eat a dick. Suck it, swallow it, choke on it.

Here's why those two guys can be both Pats fans and reasonable. You may not agree with the end result, but Boston fans at least attempt to be well-informed. There are plenty of folks for whom that's not the case at all, but the smart ones strive to claim Boston superiority from as nonpartisan a standpoint as possible.

I have no qualms claiming myself as one of the informed. I know I do enough legwork to back that up. And say what you will, but Simmons and Schatz are nothing if not informed.

I've spent the better part of this week (as you can tell) reading everything I can on the topic of VideoGate, in a half-assed effort to determine whether the Pats were actually in the wrong. My motivation may be to defend and/or rationalize, but the reading I've done nevertheless gives me as good and considered a read on the situation as anyone.

So, tell me why I (or those two) should take any guff of any nature from some schmuck who watched SportsCenter, said "deah, Patriots suck, screw 'em!!!" and called it a day. F that. I put in days of effort towards fairness; what's everyone else doing to get to the bottom of things?

If America doesn't want to hear from Simmons and Schatz, they can put someone forward with half a brain to argue against them. Otherwise, drain this cup.

Anyway... they still didn't cheat. They did everything they've been accused of by the NFL, and should be punished for it all. But it's not cheating. Sorry.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

More Stuff About "Cheating"    

You'll note by those double-quotes that the backlash has inspired a change of heart in me.

Yesterday, I battered the Patriots for the whole videotaping fiasco.  I was more interested in piling on than in defending them, since they don't really deserve much defense for pulling this crap.  The whole thing is embarrassing, stupid, and (worst of all) totally unnecessary.  And as a group, the people running the team are pretty much arrogant, despicable, thoroughly unlikable individuals.  So I feel little need to defend their honor.  On that count, I'm not particularly concerned about how severely they're punished.

It's the perception issues that bother me.  Everyone's having their fun at the Patriots' expense.  There's a lot of misinformation out there, now that the backlash has spiraled so far out of control.  We're now fully engaged in echo-chamber absolutism: someone said "cheating," and everyone flipped out.  When someone tells me it's cheating, I react by saying it should never ever be allowed, no matter what the cheating actually entailed.  That way, I don't have to consider shades of grey!

Enough.

I'm all for punishing rule-breakers, Belichick included.  Any of our six readers will know that I'm as guilty of outraged righteousness as anybody.  But you have to be a moron, a Nazi, or Crazy Jeff in full-throttle rage mode to claim that this somehow explains or negates the Patriots' success.  No.  Rotten as it was to break the rules, it is mostly ignorant and entirely without merit to chalk up the success of the franchise to espionage.

I have a lot to say about this.  (Six posts in one!)

It doesn't appear to have affected Sunday's game
Let's look at what actually happened.  Someone on the coaching staff, certainly at Belichick's command, videotaped the opposing coaches' hand signals against league rules.  That video would later be synced up with video of the play, which would expose what the hand signals represented.  The information gleaned from that sync would allow Belichick, Brady et al to counterpunch by calling audibles, thus increasing the chances of success on a particular play...

...in the subsequent matchup.  That sync-up was not happening in real time.  Nor were they broadcasting into the coaches' box or anything, as far as I can tell.  Plus, the guy was caught in the first quarter, well before the Patriots did any significant damage.  I have a hard time believing anyone can argue that they affected the game.  There goes the forfeit argument.

The notion that they were just using their own preferred angle for postmortem analysis (containing the exact same information as any other overhead video from the game), thereby flipping off the NFL and what they would see as unnecessary, draconian rules, makes far more sense than Belichick cheating so stupidly and obviously.  Not saying it's impossible, just saying the many cries of "it doesn't make any sense" with reference to one of the smartest men ever employed in the NFL is too telling.  (Lehr, the arrogance factor is indeed there, but I don't think that's a sufficient explanation.)

Anyway, once you realize how unlikely it is that they cheated in the middle of any game, the word "cheating" no longer seems appropriate.  And the whole proceeding takes on the form of a witch hunt.  Or, you know, a fabricated scandal.

They aren't the only ones trying to figure out signals
They're just the ones who got caught, and who broke league rules to do it.  Read the remarks from Charley Casserly last winter about the Dolphins' attempts to decode signs.  The Dolphins synced up audio (all of it obtained legally) to the plays in order to determine the same information.  Is that not in the same ballpark as what the Pats did illegally?

Also consider Casserly's story about a team that apparently bugged a lineman in order to catch audio of the opposing quarterback.  So one extra camera on the sideline is a capital crime, but bugging is no big deal?  Yeah, that's consistent.

Lots of teams are trying to do the same exact thing, legally or otherwise.  Nobody should be acting like the Patriots are alone in this.  To hold up Belichick as the one guy who did this is either naive or disingenuous.  They're only alone in being stupid enough to get caught.

Who would be so dumb as to continue using the same signs?
So, the Pats apparently have a reputation for stealing signs.  The league's worst-kept secret, it turns out.  Everyone knows the Pats will be pulling this shit on them.

If it's so commonly known, why would anyone go up against New England without brand-new signals?  They do want to win, don't they?

Why would they not change things up anyway, even without the allegations?  Anyone silly enough to assume their signs wouldn't be stolen deserves to lose.  If baseball teams can change things up frequently and still function, so can football teams.  Sorry, Coach, but you were given a brain as a child, and I expect you to use it.  Sign-stealing should give you a temporary edge, not a permanent one.

Time for the embittered Rules Nazis to come out of hiding
There's another group out there saying the Pats knowingly broke a rule and deserve to be punished.  The rule is there for a reason, there's no excuse for disobedience, etc.

I would ask these hall-monitor wannabes if they've ever driven 56 miles per hour.  Throwing stones from glass houses and whatnot.

I would ask these brilliantly nuanced thinkers to the number of dirty hits and uncalled holding penalties that take place over the course of a football game.  The sum total of uncalled penalty yardage that unassessed by NFL referees since the dawn of man would probably stretch to Neptune.  Never mind the other calls that teams have gotten away with.

Finally, I would ask them to put a number on how many NFL players have smoked weed in the last calendar year.  Good luck enforcing that.  If you took away a draft pick for every player caught with weed, the draft wouldn't happen until 2021.

In short, show me an honest football team that hasn't bent a single rule on any level, and I'll show you twenty illegal acts they performed this past weekend alone.  There's no high road to be taken by any team out there... it's thirty-two low roads.  As in life, you have to decide where to draw a line.

And that's the true problem, isn't it?  Not that a rule was broken, but that a line was crossed.  Keying a car and pissing on that car's tires are both acts of vandalism, but only one of them crosses a line.  Belichick didn't care for the line.  Right and wrong don't enter into it this time.

The "fall" of an otherwise perfect franchise
This is a joke, right?

The New-England-does-things-the-right-way stuff is hogwash.  And that's not news, either.  Bill Belichick is an arrogant scumbag.  Scott Pioli is also an arrogant scumbag; ask Deion Branch, Adam Vinatieri and Asante Samuel about him.  Bob Kraft... arrogant scumbag.  Lots of the players, too, as Human Growth Harrison has reminded us.  Anything the mainstream says about the Pats as a symbol of truth, justice, etc. is unadulterated bullcrap.

This revelation, then, doesn't contradict the team's pristine public image.  It contradicts a bunch of known, proven bullcrap.  They were always capable of something like this.  THEY ARE... WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!  IF YOU WANNA CROWN THEM, CROWN THEIR ASS!!!

I hate to go here...
...but I have no choice but to wonder what the real motivations are behind all this moral outrage.

Everyone hates the Pats.  They win all the time.  They've benefited from luck breaks more than once.  They've been pumped up as the embodiment of what's right about football: hard work, teamwork, brains, guile, blah blah blah.  People hate that shit.  Everyone's been chomping at the bit to tear them down; now they've got their excuse to attack.

I can empathize with that.  If this were baseball, and I found out the Yankees had a camera set up in center field relaying signs to the dugout, I'd undoubtedly be more bullshit than anyone.  But I'm sure you've already guessed what my #1 motivation for being so bullshit would be.

People have the right to be angry, but as soon as you go past Belichick simply being overcompetitive, greedy, classless and unethical, and start implicating the entire franchise's success because of this one thing, that's when you've started attacking the Pats for your own private reasons.  Ask yourself what your reaction would have been if the Bears were caught doing the same exact thing.  If it's any different, your reasons are personal, and you lose.  If you insist it would be the same, then I sincerely hope you're as honest with yourself as you think you are.

(As for the other side of that coin, I bet you doubt I'd defend another team as voraciously as I'm defending my own.  I might not defend them as thoroughly, but I don't know that I'd be out for blood in the same way.  So suck it.)

Last thing
Look, I'm ashamed of all this.  I'm not asking for sympathy or pity or whatever.  I've copped to my biases.  If the taping affected the game in progress in any way, I'd want to see some forfeits.

But having spent most of the last day thinking about the situation, that really doesn't look like the case.  So I really don't see what the big deal is.  Until we see some proof that they used their camera to steal signals in real time, what they did was break a league regulation that had no bearing on the game's outcome, but gives them a slight edge in the film room (assuming their opponents aren't complete idiots).  Is that really worth a big, nasty scandal?  And would it have gotten to this point if it were anybody else?  I think not.

Let the punishment fit the crime, and give the moral absolutism a rest.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Name of the Week award goes to . . .    

. . . this guy. When did they start putting EA Sports name generators in maternity wards?

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Monday, April 30, 2007

That Is A DISGUSTING Act... But Boy Do I Love It    

The further I get from the initial shock, the more I love the Randy Moss trade.  I am now, officially, pumped about football.  (What's-a-kay Matsu-who-za?  Never heard of him.)

My immediate reaction upon seeing news of the trade was reservation.  Well, not quite... since Moss' most likely word-association-game hits are "lazy," "selfish," "underachieving," "mari-ja-wana," and "quitter," my very first reaction was the word "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," give or take a few O's.  But ten minutes later, not only was I on board, I stood sat in awe of how obviously fantastic the move is.  I even giggled this morning.  The Pats' acquisitions had already been the big story of the NFL offseason, but this is the throat-slashing maneuver that earns them a 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration.  It is an absolute masterstroke.

From a football perspective, there is no questioning this deal.  Moss is the best deep ball receiver in NFL history.  He's tall, he's fast (rumors aswirl that he posted a 4.29 40 time for Bill Belichick over the weekend), he's got great hands, and he's got perfect field presence.  Even when he's half-assing it, which is frequently, he still commands double-teams.  He's never failed for a talented quarterback, and I don't see that being any different with Brady.

Further, there's no pressure.  The media will manufacture some, but I doubt we're going to see anyone bitching that losses are, somehow, Moss' fault.  Which is great for Moss.  All the hard work has been done, so he just has to catch balls and cash in next offseason.  Everybody wins.

The part that pisses off so many people is his character.  He is definitely pretty weak in that regard.  He's been a guy whose play on the field is a direct reflection of his happiness off the field.  He appears unwilling to elevate bad teammates.  He's admitted to taking it easy on occasion.  He's far from the prototypical superstar, at least in terms of his persona and aura.  And that makes people crazy.

But that's basically the "if I were making $X million, I would stop smoking weed" line of thought.  Yeah, sure you would.  He's being judged against potential more than reality.  They see that he breaks records while half-assing it, and wonder why he's not doing more.  That's all well and good, but that's pretty unfair.  He seems to be doing just fine without behaving himself like a librarian.

I also think a lot of the flak he catches comes from losing, from being on bad teams.  That's not going to be a problem anymore.  Will he need to STFU?  Absolutely.  Will his petulant, immature tendencies be tolerated?  Absolutely not.  But he doesn't need to find Jesus, he doesn't need to see therapists, and he doesn't even need to give up weed.  He's got nothing to publicly apologize for, like a DUI or a sexual assault or something really serious like that.

In fact, when I refreshed my memory this afternoon, I was surprised by how little indefensible stuff he's done.  It's mostly just weed and laziness.  If I may put on my apologist's hat and recap his transgressions:

  • Beat up a racist West Virginian piece of shit.  Give his ass a damn medal.
  • Hits from the bongggggg!  Right, who cares?
  • Admitted to playing lazy on occasion.  Which makes him candid more than evil.
  • Won a bizarre showdown with a meter-maid who thought she was a lady cop.  He wanted to pull a U-ie, she got in front of him.  The meter maid was actually disciplined for her role in the ordeal.  Nobody looked good here, but this is the worst thing on the list, and it's pretty much inconsequential.
  • Pretended to moon a bunch of fans who did some actual mooning three hours earlier.
  • Squirted water on a ref.  Anyone really think the referee is totally innocent?
  • Quit on the Vikings and Raiders and stopped performing at his best.  (Which makes him... a Viking and Raider.)  The infamous Redskins game became a media problem more than anything.
To reiterate... no rape, no DUI, no wife-beating that I could find.  What I see is that he got kicked out of Florida State and Notre Dame for stupid shit, and it's haunted him ever since.  Given some forgiveness from Lou Holtz and Bobby Bowden, two of the most indefensible assholes alive, maybe none of the rest of this crap becomes such a big deal.  Because it's always been the "history" of transgressions with Moss.  Never the individual acts, always the running total.  But believe me, if you think I'm going to side with Notre Dame, Florida State, meter maids, referees, West Virginians, the Packers, taskmasters and teetotalers against a candid guy like Randy Moss, you're in for a surprise.

Let's also recognize that Moss has never, ever played for a real football team.  How can any of us predict what Moss will do for a guy like Bill Belichick, and a franchise like the Patriots, when he's never been in anything remotely close to that context?  Maybe he'll take to one of the NFL's model franchise like a horse to water.  We don't know, but we do know he finished an answer in yesterday's press conference by saying "I can't believe I'm a Patriot," after having given up about $18 million worth of contract to make the deal happen.  Does that sound like the prototypical narcissistic malcontent to you?  I know better than to put too much stock in media quotes, but Moss has never been much of a bullshitter.  In fact, it's his candor that has helped get him into so much trouble so often.

The worst you can say is that he should know better than to let the media get involved in his stupid shit.  Not only can you say that about EVERY football player caught doing anything, but the Pats have already locked down the media in New England.  Unless he does some stage-diving, Moss is safe.  Like the on-field issues, the Pats have that stuff taken care of on their own.  So I'm not worried about that.

In conclusion, this looks like the ideal situation for everyone.  Randy Moss gets one more chance to stick it in America's face, and I suspect Randy Moss wants to do that as much as I want to see it.  Hence my optimism.  Look out below, bitches.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Drew Bledsoe: R.I.P.    

Godspeed, you white emperor. Goodnight, you king of Maine, you prince of New England. So long, and thanks for all the picks fish.



I'm actually pretty sad about this. I always liked Drew Bledsoe. He was the first legitimate hero to play for the Pats in my time as a fan (which does predate his arrival). His was the first Pats uniform I ever had. His Super Bowl run in 1996-97 was the first I was able to really enjoy.

For eight seasons, he was the face of the Patriots. He symbolized my team's newfound legitimacy. He shepherded the team from the very bottom to the verge of greatness. He was the personification of the Bill Parcells-led rise to annual respectability. He was the best thing the team had going for it during the Pete Carroll water-treading era. Two playoff appearances with that knucklehead Carroll, and both of them were due in large part to Bledsoe's leadership on the field.

And we wouldn't have won that first Super Bowl without his heroic performance in the AFC Championship game in Pittsburgh. Tom Brady got hurt, and Bledsoe bailed him out, with a little help from his friends. No Bledsoe = we lose. We lose = no "dynasty." That's one of the footnotes that gets lost in the rush to stick Brady in Canton... none of what's happened since would have come true without Drew Bledsoe.

For that, I owe him a debt of gratitude.

I wish the rest of New England would realize that. Despite all that he accomplished for us, Bledsoe was a tragic figure in Boston. Never mind that a good 80% of the fans would never, ever have become Patriots fans if Bledsoe hadn't arrived. As a traditional pocket passer in an era where quarterbacks were becoming more mobile, he became an easy target for the fans. He was never good enough for them, and they always took such delight in nitpicking his style and performance.

He's so emotionless. He's not a real leader. He's not athletic like Mark Brunell and Kordell Stewart. He pats the ball.

Man, I haven't thought about that ridiculous ball-patting shit in years. That was the best thing about Bledsoe's departure (besides the Super Bowls)... never again having to endure that stupid shit from those stupid people about him patting the ball. Yeah, he patted the ball... right before throwing every single one of his touchdown passes, you fucking nitwits.

The point of all that is that he was treated worse than shit by the fans and media, but deserved pretty much none of it. He was a good quarterback. Not great, but definitely good enough.

What's so remarkable to me is that he was perceived as a failure despite having done pretty much as well as he could have. If he wasn't giving his best, that'd be one thing, but I don't think anyone with a brain for football can question his effort. Let's not forget that when Mo Lewis hit him in 2001, while running for a first down as so many people wished he'd do more often, he nearly DIED. Then he busted his ass to get back on the field as soon as he could. He wasn't a jerk. He wasn't mailing games in. He wasn't pulling goofy Manny Ramirez superstar shit on or off the field. He gave New England his best. And people still killed him, just because he didn't win a Super Bowl. That right there is some ignorant shit. Going to such extremes to blame a #1 overall pick for not bringing home a Super Bowl, like he's a big failure or something, just exposes how little the Boston media and fans understand football. Take him down a peg or two, sure. Cut him, go in a different direction. But don't shit on the guy. Don't be happy about his predicament.

Anyway, when Bledsoe was unceremoniously benched in favor of future Pro Bowler and sperm rocket Brady, and was subsequently traded out of town, he had every right to flip us all off on his way out of town. But instead, he handled it with class. He thanked Patriots fans graciously for their years of support, even though the vocal majority of fans had all but declared a state holiday in celebration of his benching and departure. And still he took the high road. I appreciate that.

I felt loyal to Bledsoe. Still do, as you can probably tell. After Brady's injury in that first playoff run, I felt that Bledsoe had earned the right to start the Super Bowl. I thought he'd been screwed out of his job, that an injured Brady would be a liability, and that benching a healthy player of Bledsoe's caliber in favor of an injured first-year starter was effectively an insult. I was wrong, of course, but I don't regret feeling that loyalty. Unlike the majority of Patriots fans, I always rooted for Bledsoe to succeed. Even in that Dallas uniform, I would have liked to see him do well. And I'm sad that he didn't.

That's not to say I wish he'd stayed. I'm glad his downward spiral happened elsewhere. But in my view, he never got the credit he deserved. He played a crucial role in the construction of the Patriots dynasty; I hope people recognize his achievements someday, once they're done polishing the bronze on Brady's Hall of Fame bust.* And I hope history is kinder to Drew Bledsoe than the present was.

* - Speaking of Canton, Bledsoe's numbers present an interesting Hall of Fame argument. He's #7 all-time in passing yards, and #5 in both completions and attempts, which if nothing else is a sign of persistent success. While I loathe that argument in baseball, you can't amass numbers like that if you're that bad. They don't say anything about greatness, but you definitely can't say he sucks. Ultimately I think he and another similar player in his area of the record books, Vinny Testaverde, are more likely to be left out, proving how little numbers matter when it comes to the football HOF. But the fact that there's an argument to be made is proof enough that his treatment and perception have been unfair.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Thanks, CBS    

So the good folks over at thesmokinggun.com have unearthed some hilarious complaints to the FCC regarding the greatest halftime show ever. Yes, apparently America just isn't ready for the sexiest man in history doing his thing, but they are ready to complain using phrases like "cum covered sheet" and "elarged engorged"... hooray America!





No, wait. Screw America. Hooray Prince!
On a side note, I hereby suggest that Prince name his next album Enlarged Engorgeous.

Finally, this one is probably a joke, but hoo boy is it funny nontheless.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Speaking of NFL and Hillary    

So.... Let's headline this story, shall we?

Peyton Manning Likes Little Girls
Peyton Parties With Puppy Poonani
Peyton Manning, Lawnmower
Peyton Manning, Killing Jesse One Day At A Time

At this point next month, the Colts will have celebrated their championship by preaching about Jeebus to a room full of hateful, hateful bastards, and by spending an afternoon grabbing itty bitty titty (and getting paid for it). Congratulations, Jesse, on your wonderful choice of team.

And yes, I'm fully aware of the hypocrisy of a Duke fan bringing this up, what with this week's Superly Snuka atomic elbow drop laid on Hansbrough, and Coach K's subsequent use of the Isaiah Defense ("If Chewbacca is still in the game, you must ACQUIT!").

But seriously, Peyton, WTF?

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Monday, March 05, 2007

Kaufman on NFL Hillarity    

Describing the NFL's recent efforts to copywrite the phrase "The Big Game" when used in reference to the Superbowl (so that sportsbars can't do avoid paying royalties for showing the game), Kaufman offers up the following gem:

"But doesn't it also seem to you that the NFL is pushing a really dumb rock up a really big hill here, with little payoff at the really silly top?"

Yep. Yep it does.

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