HO-LAY SHI-TTTTTTTTT!

Wow. Joey Bananas is no more.

If this were any other team, I'd find this trade pretty fascinating. My first reaction, honest-to-God, was to say nothing but "Holy Shit" on repeat for a good 2-3 minutes. And not in a bad way. Getting Marco Sturm and Brad Stuart in return is pretty good, if not entirely even. And the fact that I object to Bananaman and his lack of leadership skills is are well-documented.

But this isn't any other team. There are two major problems with this trade; the first problem informs the second.

1) They aren't replacing Thornton's ability.
Sturm is a 25-goal guy, and Stuart will be the #1 defenseman they've sought since Raymond Bourque's departure, but there's only one franchise player changing hands in this deal, and the Bruins aren't getting him. That's not good. The situation on defense is atrocious, and Stuart will definitely help (he's the cornerstone now for Boston) but is this the best they could get for their franchise center?

2) Same old Bruins.
I took a look at some 2005 player salaries on TSN.ca, and found the REAL key to the trade:

Player	Salary
Marco Sturm	$2.0 million
Brad Stuart	$1.9 million
Wayne Primeau	$1.1 million
Total	$5.0 million
--------------------------------------------------------------
Joe Thornton	$6.6 million

God-fucking-dammit. Fooled again. I can't believe that cocksucking Jeremy Jacobs piece of shit did it to us again. We got screwed out of a franchise center (albeit a highly imperfect one) over $1.6 million dollars. So just because they are the only mediocre team in the NHL's toughest division, this penny-pinching asshole reverts. Despite, might I add, the salary cap that's supposed to keep him from acting like the cheap bastard that he is. I'm sure the Garden's cavernous emptiness on game nights will show you just how little this city cares about your money-laundering operation. Thanks a lot, you selfish douche bag.

Actually, I'm guessing that you prefer your information in an easily-digested form, like most of the other rich, heartless, cowardly management types out there. So here's a visual aid for you:



Enough of this nonsense; I'd like to end on a positive note. The Joey Bananas fight I linked to above... I was totally there, man! That's the last Bruins game I went to, which was on my 18th birthday (1/13/97) if I'm not mistaken. Thornton was a rookie back then, long before he earned the Joey Bananas moniker. #20 for Vancouver is center Dave Scatchard, who coincidentally was also traded from the Bruins this season. Scatchard big-leagued the Big Banana, one of those "welcome to the NHL" moments, so Joey beat the fucking snot out of Scatchard. He's been ending games on penalties ever since.

I guess that's the best way to end... I've just gotta remember that he's not perfect, he's not a wunderkind, and he doesn't seem to be a winner. He's just another really good player who's leaving town before his time over a few sheckles.

OMFG, It's Ruben Patterson! RUN!!!

Is there a more frightening man in the NBA than convicted sex offender and alleged felony-level domestic abuser Ruben Patterson?  If he got in my face and demanded 25 minutes I'd probably shit my pants.  Thank goodness Nate McMillan's got some serious intestinal fortitude.  Looks like this whole Jail Blazers thing is finally over...

God U Suck: Mr. McFeeley Edition

I have to admit, I kinda like the Giants this year. I've always liked Tom Coughlin, I prefer Eli to Peyton, and I'm glad to see evidence that Plaxico Burress doesn't suck, and that his inconsistency in Pittsburgh was due to game planning more than to suckage.

That said, listening to this game on the radio made me root against them. The announcers declared the game over before Jay Feely's kick to end regulation, and I believe the three missed FGs that followed were a direct result of their premature celebration. By the end, I was laughing it up at the Giants' misery.

But I think the public mockery of Feely is too much. The three kicks were all 40+ yard attempts, difficult enough to be simply a failure, not a choke. Sure, a good kicker like Feely really should have made either the 40 or the 45, but can they really blame Feely when their offense couldn't get inside the red zone for him? They stuck him with three missable kicks, and he proved it.

You want to point at a guy who sucks, let's stick the spotlight on Matt Bryant. THAT guy choked. He missed a 29-yarder that would've saved the game. Feely's troubles were a little more drawn-out, but I'd be more comfortable with the guy who missed a few from 40+ than the guy who blew it from less than 30.

Jake Plummer aint got s--t on me!

I've gotten hooked on NCAA basketball early this year, and getting to watch the Zags epic win unfold last night was sweet sweet nectar.

I have only one thing to say:

Behold Adam Morrison.
















Get the chalk!

Best porn stache ever. This one will never be topped.

Seriously. During the Maryland/Zags game a couple nights ago, my lady friend (who discovered NCAA ball during last year's tourney) turned to me and said, "Oh! Adam Morrison! He's cute!"
Then they showed a close up. She was, to put it mildly, shocked.
About as shocked as the average woman would be to go to bed with Ashton Kutcher and wake up with Kyle Korver.

So get on board the Adam Morrison Porn Stache Bandwagon! There's plenty of room here, right next to Jihad Muhammad's enormous Dreds.

Josh Beckett = Another Trade Steinbrenner Can't Match

This is awesome news.  It was a nice surprise after spending an hour in traffic on my way home from work.

While I'm disappointed to see both Hanley Ramirez and Anibal Sanchez go, and I'm double-dog disappointed about taking on Mike "Shoot 'Em Up" Lowell, I'm totally sold on Beckett.  Much like the Pedro deal eight years ago, we are giving up two top prospects for a young ace coming into his prime.  Beckett's got stuff, numbers, make-up, and pedigree.  And based on his attitude in the World Series two years ago, I doubt we'll be seeing him wilt under the pressure of Boston baseball.  Provided that Beckett keeps up the good work, he can give us that 1A/1B look at the front of the rotation alongside Curt Schilling.  Furthermore, despite Lowell's suckage, the Sox appear to have upgraded at first base, without breaking the bank, and have not precluded themselves from bringing back Billy Mueller at third.  Best of all, the Beckett acquisition means the Sox won't go after so-obvious-it's-hilarious contract-year-confidence-man A.J. Burnett... and also that the Yankees may have no choice but to pursue him themselves.  Wouldn't THAT be a hoot!  Rule of thumb: do not trust any man who goes by his initials.  Nice job.

So why does it seem so weird?

1. First Trade Made By Top-Secret GM
Having made this deal without a GM in place strikes me as somewhat insane.  Sure, you can't let the offseason pass you by, but doesn't it make you wonder whose brilliant idea this was?  Without having heard all the facts yet, it sounds like the person who pulled the trigger is not someone whose job is to make baseball decisions.

2. Prospects Are Fun
The Marlins got two stud prospects from the Sox.  Hanley hasn't lived up to expectations quite yet, but is quite definitely the goods, and Anibal has been inconsistently brilliant.  So while they didn't give up the whole farm, and definitely could have given the Marlins more than they did, it's still a little sad to see talented youngsters get traded.  The most recent homegrown prospect to make it to Boston was Trot Nixon, so it's been a while since the Sox had a phenom to pin their hopes on.  I'm really looking forward to seeing Boston become a prospect garden, but that can't happen if we trade kids for veteran talent from other teams.  Sox fans have been waiting for Jon Papelbon, Jon Lester, Ramirez, Sanchez, Lenny DiNardo, Craig Hansen, Manny Delcarmen and company to emerge since last season; now two of those guys are gone, in exchange for an established front-line starter (Beckett) that nobody can really argue about, and a suckbag (Lowell) whose #1 job will be to become the new whipping boy for the Fenway Faithful and deflect attention away from Edgar Renteria and Keith Foulke.  Listen, people... Mike Lowell sucks.  Which brings me to my next point...

3. Mike Lowell Sucks
Have I mentioned this yet?  See, here's the thing about Lowell.... he sucks.  I thought the Sox were done with this kind of guy.  The whole situation stinks like a two-week-old upper-decker.  In fact, it stinks of Dan Duquette's handiwork.  (Could he be acting as GM on an interim basis?  Dear Lord, I hope not.  That would be enough to send me running back to the Catholics.)  I hope playing at Fenway helps him get back on track offensively, cause he's gonna need all the help he can get.

4. Potential WEEI & Globe Sports Implications
Lowell's arrival is the best news Dan Shaughnessy has received since the disastrous playoff run last year.  Why?  Because in the same way that the White Sox manufacture runs, the Red Sox just manufactured a sports radio P.R. blitz for next May.  The Sox took a 99.99999% no-lose situation (Kevin Millar's departure) and turned it into a loss by acquiring a guy who hits as badly as Millar, has no publicly-appreciable personality, and makes four times as much money.  Cause, you know, the offseason wouldn't be interesting enough with only three no-win situations (Unhappy Manny, Free Agent Johnny, Goodbye Theo), so why not make it an even four?  If you think I've said "Mike Lowell sucks" a lot in this blog post, just wait until the media gets a load of him.  Of course, this whole premise of Lowell < Millar is kind of a stretch, but I think it's kinda funny.

In summation, the Sox have improved themselves in a big way, but there's still plenty of risk.  The more $$$ Florida kicks in for Lowell, the more sense it makes for the Sox.

The Unknown Soldier

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you... the Pats' new weak-side cornerback! He's working extra-hard this week.



I'm still not throwing in the towel, but in the words of George Oscar Bluth, "COME ON!!!!!" If Belichick pulls it off with this bunch of assholes in the backfield, then he's the best coach of all-time, and I'm telling you in advance that you will have no suitable argument against it.

God U Suck: 10th Anniversary Edition

Great SI piece on the Browns' departure from Cleveland, as well as a summary of the ridiculously talented folks in the coaching staff and front office during the fateful 1995 season.

link-a-dink

Also great is the news that Vinny Testaverde looted David Modell's office for fancy cigars.  Good work Vinny!

The Anti-Haus

Arn Tellem is one Daffy Invididual.
That said, pay the man. Godzilla's a rock, and at least deserves three years @ $8-9 million per, easily.
I can't be sure, but I suspect he's worth a lot more than that in free international marketing.

THAT'S How You Give A Press Conference!

This is excellent. Nice to know the comedy void that TO leaves behind has been filled. Between Dr. Don't Know, Jerome from SE, the Eastern Motors commercials and the stripper pole in his basement, Clinton Portis is becoming a real character. He's like Ricky Williams, except funny instead of high.

Unfortunately, it turns out that Jerome from Southeast died a tragic death before I even got to know him. Not even Dr. Don't Know knows what happened... in his own words, "Dr. Don't Know don't know a lot."

Can I lobby for Portis to sport the Dick Cheney mask next week?

NCAA Preview, Duke Sucks Edition

NCAA preview, Duke edition

Thoughts on the Dookies, mostly gleaned from this Washington Post piece:

1) J.J. Redick will be playing his ass off for that fat contract from Isiah Thomas (once Stern fixes the draft). Has anyone ever used a #1 overall and a max contract to get a Steve Kerr? We'll find out in a few short months. Speaking of Redick...following last year’s exit from the NCAA tourney, an emotionally spent Redick was quoted as saying he didn’t want to take off his jersey because he was "wanting to keep Duke on my chest”. Thanks, Sticky. I've wanted a nickname for you for a while now.

2) Other Redick news: "Redick and McRoberts, a 6-foot-10 native of Carmel, Ind., have instant-messaged each other on the Internet for the better part of the past year and are basically inseparable, Redick said, which plays to the team's mantra, "Band of Brothers.""
Oh, McRoberts? Here he is.
















Great. Now they can join Dora and Jeet in that special place in my life.

3) They’re relying on freshman and All-American Greg Paulus to be their point guard. This Greg Paulus.

















Take a guess which one he is.

4) Their other highly touted freshman is Martynas Pocius. This Martynas Pocius.















Check out that hair! He’s got a nickname already, and I haven’t even seen him in action. Greetings, Young Skywalker. There are reports that he performs 360 dunks during practices. Of course, that's with a tennis ball, on a 7 foot Nerf hoop, but it should still be good enough to land him a series of back and knee injuries by his sophomore year.

5) They’ve still got big man and Captain of the All-Nickname team, the Landlord Sheldon Williams, playing for Okafor dollars.

6) I’m still picking Cincinnati to go all the way, on the wings of The Amazing Mr. Please Please, Jihad Muhammad.

the Haus... the Haus... the Haus is on fire!

Hear hear on your take on T.O. and Drew Rosenhaus.
Check this shot... what a shiteater.

Bartolo Colon Blow

Apparently, weight is a key factor for Cy Young voters.
I would formulate an argument for how Johan Santana and Mariano Rivera are both far more deserving of the hardware, but Jayson Stark beat me to it.
Enjoy.


Coincidence?

Stubbed T.O.

Despite all the dumb shit he's done and said, occasionally Terrell Owens will do something that makes you think "ah-ha, there's a smart guy." Today was one of those occasions. After giving an "apology" to the Eagles that makes Jason Giambi seem penitent by comparison, T.O. made his agent answer questions from the media. The apology was standard-issue T.O. b.s., but making Drew Rosenhaus face the media was ingenious. Rosenhaus cost T.O. millions and millions of dollars, to say nothing of being unable to sign a multiyear deal ever again, so T.O. trotted him out there to humiliate himself on national television. Though Rosenhaus did dodge the reporter who asked what he'd done for T.O. besides cost him millions of dollars (excellent question, by the way), he looked like a complete asshole trying to defend T.O. to America. Why should T.O. look like the a-hole at this point? Let the agent eat shit. In a word, here's what I have to say about throwing Rosenhaus under the bus:



Bravo.

Gut v. Brain

I'm not sure what to make of Pats-Colts last night...

Gut: Indy didn't overcome the Pats so much as the Pats are ridiculously vulnerable.
Brain: A win is a win. If it were the Sox beating the Yankees in the same situation, I wouldn't qualify it.

Gut: Peyton moved the ball against Asante Samuel, Randall Gay and Duane Starks... you want a cookie?!?
Brain:Peyton deserves credit for avoiding a career-killing loss, and for making some really impressive throws.

Gut: Pepperoni pizza is delicious.
Brain: Pepperoni is made from cured yak testicles.

Gut: Securing a playoff game at Indy doesn't mean much, since it's been proven the Pats can win there and the Colts can lose there.
Brain:Edge looked really good though. He's the reason for the season.

Gut: Peyton can have his day during the regular season, but the Steelers are on line three to have a word about playoffs.
Brain: The Pats won't be significantly better come playoff time. Seymour and Bruschi won't be the difference unless they play DB.

Gut: The second you count out the Pats, that's when they surprise you.
Brain: Not the same team. Too many gears are missing; last night was the final proof. 2005 is a victory lap.

My expectations are definitely lowered as of right now. I still think they have the inside track on the division, but one of the things the Pats have NOT done is win a Super Bowl without securing a first-round bye, and this is not a defense with which you want to attempt that. I think they can beat the Colts, Bengals, Steelers, Broncos and company, but they are clearly inferior to each of those teams right now. The offense is good, but only sporadically dominant; the defense is OK, but incapable of stopping teams. We'll see, but I think it's obvious that the Pats are a non-story until the playoffs come around... although, in the words of Jim Mora, PLAYOFFS???!??!?!????!?

Urbina

You've heard of "tossing a can of gasoline on the fire" relievers, right?
Good lord.
What the hell? The only explanation I can come up with is that he's running a cocaine operation. Is there any other possible explanation?
This from the guy meant to replace Billy Wagner. I hope all across Philadelphia right now people are trading in their T.O. jerseys for Urbina ones.

KONG!

Says here that on Monday, after dropping the bombshell of his departure, Theo Epstein left Fenway Park incognito... in a gorilla suit.  I miss Theo already.  Good thing there's no MLB dress code, eh?

I just hope this persnickety crap doesn't distract from the offseason, which demands everyone's full attention.  And it's a good thing Theo's preparing the team for winter meetings, traditionally the most productive part of the offseason.  I wish they'd just sign a GM (Gerry Hunsicker) and get this crap over with.

Memo to Matt Lawton

Don't let the door hit you on your way out, horse-boy.

I Love Gooooooooold!

Congratulations to the winner of the third base Gold Glove... Eric Chavez!  In the words of Seattle GM Bill Bavasi, "the great thing about the Gold Glove Awards is that the managers and coaches -- the people who know best -- are the ones doing the voting."  I agree whole-heartedly.  There's really no argument to be had about Eric Chavez at third.  It's worth nothing that Chavez felt the winner might be another high-profile third baseman, one with more offensive punch than he.  Yes, you guessed it, he was talking about Hank Blalock.  I don't think any other third basemen really warranted that kind of defensive praise.  Let me think... hmmmmm...

Finally!

It's a Scoop Jackson article that I like!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/051101

I remember reading those Phil Jackson quotes when the dress code was announced, and doing a double-take.  I'm glad someone picked up on it.  I'm doubly glad the thesis is "how did this jerk get a free pass?"  The head coach at Air Force recently get in trouble for asserting that his black players could run faster than white players.  Those comments look downright complimentary compared to "change of those prison clothes, jailbird, and turn off that hippedy-hop!"  What's next from the Zen Master, a diatribe against soul food?  Shut up, you pompous racist asshole.  Garbage like that only reinforces the implicit racism of the dress code.  In fact, given the unexpected PR beating David Stern has taken for this fiasco, you'd think Der Fuhrer would have nipped this in the bud and fined the Zen Master for being a prejudiced asshole.  But no, because that assumes Der Fuhrer isn't a racist piece of shit himself.

Basically, I am advocating indefinite bans from the NBA for both Phil Jackson and David Stern, and that their reinstatement must be approved by Ron Artest.  SLAP.

The Empire Strikes Back

So Young Skywalker, having successfully taken down the Death Star in 2004, has decided to part ways with the rebel alliance.
Where's he going? How can he leave the Nation like this?
Anyone know the way to Degobah? I hear it's somewhere in Philly.
And how long before his replacement in Boston signs Konerko for four years, $36 million?