The Time To Abide Is Over

Enough.

Paul Pierce was, and still is, hurt.

Deal with it.

I'm sorry that everyone and their mothers has compared his recovery to Willis Reed's. I'm sorry you had that silly comparison shoved down your throats. I'm sorry you had to see him carted off in such a graceless manner. I'm sorry his return seemed so convenient. I truly am.

That does NOT mean he wasn't hurt. It just means you got surprised. It happens. Get over it.

Is it really that hard to believe? You know what happens when you tear a knee ligament? You go down for a minute in excruciating pain, spring up to your feet again as if nothing had happened, and then succumb to swelling and stiffness a few hours later. Pretty much exactly what happened to Pierce. While he doesn't appear to have torn anything, he was visibly limping after the game. Or was he faking that too? A second lie to hide the first one? Is that more believable than seeing a man play through a legitimate, albeit minor injury?

I am continually amazed by the ability of the human mind to deny, deny, deny.

But on the whole, this idiot reaction outside of New England isn't surprising to me. People have been doubting Paul Pierce since he entered the draft. This is no exception.

Why that bothers me so much, in two parts:

1. Nobody's been paying attention to The Truth... and they should have been

The Truth just can't win with some people.

Pierce has never, and I mean never, gotten the respect he deserves from the national media or the league fanbase. There is a double standard applied to Pierce's achievements and failures that is not applied to the more talented peers. Doubting his injury is just the latest entry in the ongoing saga of Paul Pierce being doubted. It started on draft day, and it hasn't stopped yet.

I believe this misconception originates with Pierce's nonathletic style. He's basically a smaller version of Carmelo Anthony... he can, and will, score on you in every imaginable fashion, but it won't look pretty. He's never been a Kobe/LeBron/VC-style dunking 2/3 swingman; he relies so heavily on unspectacular high-percentage plays (dribble penetration and foul shooting) that his best work rarely draws attention. The results are basically the same, and yet Pierce is considered a second-run 2/3, rarely mentioned in the same breath as Carter, McGrady and others.

(Ironic that Pierce's #1 strength, taking it to the hole as a matter of course, is the precise thing that the likes of VC and T-Mac are taken to task for when discussing their 4th quarter struggles. And yet VC and T-Mac are the "superstars," while reliable 4th quarter scoring stud Pierce dangles in purgatory. Huh.)

Yes, he's been on six All-Star teams, and is a well-recognized player who's been in shoe commercials and whatnot. People who know seem to hold Pierce in esteem. But he's always been viewed with a "but" of some kind attached.

More important than the lack of credit given for his successes, though, is the total lack of slack given for his failures.

We can start with his epic mental collapse in Game 6 against Isiah Thomas' Pacers a few years back. It's tough to argue that Pierce should have shoved Jamaal Tinsley like that, but I found it unnecessary to heap so much blame on Pierce for a) responding in kind to a hard foul and b) falling victim to such an obvious exaggeration by Tinsley. That's some Shane Battier shit right there. When one considers, further, that the Celtics would have been nowhere without Pierce's contributions, let alone Atlantic Division champs, the amount of grief Pierce absorbed was rather out of line. He's spent the last three seasons trying to live that one play down. That's bullshit.

Then there's the age-old question of his supporting cast. No help better than Antoine Walker. Years and years and years of mind-numbing play from the likes of Mark Blount, Marcus Banks, Wally Szczerbiak. And yet it's always been Pierce's fault, because at the end of the day, it's his job to get it done with the hand he's dealt. If he were a real Celtic, he'd have blah blah blah.

Adding insult to failure is the stigma, unfairly attached to Pierce, of being seen as a me-first black hole on offense. Let me get this straight... he chose to keep the ball instead of passing off to Tony Allen and Sebastian Telfair, and that's the reason they lost? Recognizing that he really WAS the only decent player on the roster? Of course! What a bastard!

It'll always be something.

And it's not right. Some guys are ripe for that kind of criticism, deserving of that grain of salt, that cynical eye, based on their past transgressions. You will not find anything on Pierce's resume to warrant what he's dealt with in ten years as a Celtic. Snafus and dust-ups? Sure. Frustration? Absolutely. Self-perpetuated destruction? No way. The guy's a pro.

Anyway, all this adds up to Pierce being, in my view, one of the most (if not the most) underrated NBA players in recent memory. There's talk nowadays that a championship cementing his place in Springfield, and of Game 1 securing a spot for #34 in the rafters. As if he'd just sprung out of the ground this season. Wrong. The Hall and the rafters have been done deals for a long, long time. Everyone who thinks he needs a ring to be recognized for the superstar he is only expose how closely they haven't been watching Paul Pierce.

2. Convicted floppers have poisoned the well of credibility

Cry wolf often enough, and people won't believe you no matter what's after you.

All season long, we suffer through the tomfoolery of REAL cheaters like Manu Ginobili, LeBron James, Anderson Varejao and the like who gladly collapse in agony at the slightest touch with the express intent of fooling the referees. Flopping, faking injuries and engaging in other chicanery to gain a competitive edge, so long as it's not caught by the refs, has become a tacitly accepted part of the game.

Because the league has refused (until recently) to get serious about the problem, we in the audience have no choice but to accept it ourselves. As a result, it's not just the credibility of phony scumbags like Ginobili and LeBron that comes into question, but that of every player in basketball. Nowadays, any injury that doesn't involve blood, protruding bones or detached eyeballs is cause for doubt.

So, after seeing Pierce return from injury so promptly, one questions just how seriously he was hurt. Which is fine. He clearly wasn't hurt that badly, because he came back.

But why does that make him a faker? Is there no difference between "not hurt that bad" and "not hurt AT ALL"??? Is it really so hard to believe he was just being careful? What's so wrong with how he played it? Was it the 3rd and 4th people carrying his legs that were so upsetting? It was Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine! It's not like they were busy. Why not be careful?

More importantly, what in Pierce's resume would make you think he was faking? He is not a cheap player, a manipulative gamesman, a mind-fucking liar. He's not a self-protective ego case. He's just a baller. The genuine article. A basketball junkie (search that article for "junkie") more in tune with The Right Way To Play Basketball, NBA history, and his place in it, than the vast majority of his peers. That nickname of his isn't just some bad-ass moniker... it's what he is. He is The Truth.

Above all, he's a tough motherfucker. Last year was the first time in a long, long time that Paul Pierce has missed significant time due to injury. But it wasn't the first time in recent years that he'd been injured. Not by a long shot. Like Allen Iverson, he plays through the little shit and throws himself into the breach anyway. He doesn't have to answer to anybody on the subject of toughness.

And yet he has nevertheless been saddled with the cynicism borne from what we see from fakers like LeBron and Ginobili.

Why? Because The Truth just can't win with some people.

Enough.

Paul Pierce is not your average player. If you don't see why he's so different, you're not looking closely enough. I know, I know, it'll take more than five or ten minutes to do that. I'm really sorry about that. But that's what it takes to be right.

Reexamine him, regardless of wins and losses. He deserves it.

Mr. Roboto Speaks

For those who think the Eastern Conference Finals are boring, unsexy, and hopeless... I respectfully submit Game 5.



Game 6 will be just as good. Getcha popcorn ready.

NBA Game-Fixing: It's Cav-tastic!

What an irredeemable shitshow I witnessed tonight.

The kinda-sorta goaltend by my man Delonte West wasn't exactly a prize-winner, nor was the travel call on Garnett (especially considering that they let Joe Smith get away with a travel with 14 seconds left). But the offensive foul on Paul Pierce with a few minutes remaining was one of the worst, most embarrassing calls I have ever seen. Permanent shame on the referee who called that charge. May he go to hell and drown in a flaming pool filled with the devil's boiling diarrhea.

Much as I'd love to be pissed at the Celtics for blowing another winnable road game, how can I be mad at them when Dick Bavetta and his crew of war criminals would have found something else to call? After the atrocious display in San Antonio last night, and that unforgivably bad charge call, I believe NBA referees are capable of calling absolutely anything right now.

To think people wonder why home teams keep winning these games. Gee, could it be that THE REFEREES ARE FUCKING INCOMPETENT?????

Anyway, haven't lost faith in the Celtics. I saw nothing tonight to ease my nerves (besides the return of Eddie House... about damn time), but I have no reason to think they'll lose at home until someone beats them at home. And don't forget, home court means the cowardly referees will be giving the C's all the calls! So that's comforting.

Where Brown-Bag Protests Happen

Wearing brown bags in protest of your team's rudderless leadership = old and busted.

Wearing brown bags and terrifying Herb Kohl with your Ruben Patterson jersey = new hotness.



THAT, messieurs et mesdames, is where amazing happens.

(h/t to Fanhouse for the story and Yahoo! Sports for the pic)

Words (Briefly) Escape Me: Bruce Bowen Steps On Chris Paul's Junk

The NBA... where getting stomped in the Timbits happens!



The tone of reaction from folks who linked this video, appropriately, has not been outrage. It's been acceptance. The world apparently accepts that this is okay, and holds Bowen's behavior up, weakly, for ridicule.

There's been talk of late that David Stern's biggest failure as commissioner is what's happening in Seattle. Hard to argue against that choice based on the gravity of the end result. But at least that makes SENSE. Stern is employed ownership, and the Sonics situation, awful as it is, is nevertheless understandable based on Stern's job responsibilities. Wrong? Of course. Out of bounds? Not at all.

The classically dictatorial Stern's failure to discipline Bowen and curb his behavior, however... that is beyond comprehension for me. Stern is the biggest star-fucker of any sports commissioner in American history. Why does he allow his precioussssss superstars to be put at risk like this?

Back in the playoffs last year, I advocated banning Bruce Bowen for the balance of the playoffs, based not on the Game 4 incident in isolation but rather on Game 4 in the context of his body of work. I stand by that. I honestly believe that Bruce Bowen has accrued, at this point in his career, at least 30-40 regular season games' worth of unallocated suspensions. I also believe it would be justifiable, in the eyes of an omniscient and omnipotent God, to suspend Bowen for half of a regular season without pay.

In fact, how about this. Bowen just kicked a New Orleans Hornet in the beanbag. Bowen also seems to like being the face and voice of that unintentionally hilarious NBA Cares commercial. (The commercial wherein, miraculously, he resists the urge to kick those kids in their Achilles tendons while they're distracted by the story he's reading.) So why not have Mr. Charitable Contributions spend half a season rebuilding the Ninth Ward? Suspend him without pay, but then take the suspended salary away from the Spurs and allocate it to Habitat for Humanity. (The Spurs created this monster, so why let them keep the spoils?) That way any accusations made towards the controversial punishment will be shielded by 9/11-esque Katrina allusions! Gee, you know it's not fair, but I'd hate to take away from the rebuilding effort in New Orleans... there's so much left to be done... etc. etc.

A guy can dream, can't he? I put it to you that if the NBA really cared, they'd do exactly what I say.

The Dunk Contest

If you did anything worthwhile with yourself last night instead of watching the dunk contest, you lose. Thoughts:

Birthday Cake
Dwight Howard beat him fair and square on the acts-of-derring-do front, but come on. I couldn't believe my friggin eyes when I saw that GG blew it out.

It's this year's Sticker Dunk. It's the dunk I'm going to remember from this year, just like everyone remembers the Sticker Dunk. Both dunks were (at the time) the sickest shit ever, but not enough to result in victory. Neither one was flashy in and of itself, but the creativity alone merited an unreceived 50.

When they showed the slow-motion replay of GG pursing his lips and blowing the candle out, I jumped up in the air, screamed, and flung my pita bread at the screen. Hard. And then when I'd picked up the pita and returned to the couch, they showed it again... and I threw it again.

Sickest shit I've ever seen. (Wait'll you see him hit!)

Gerald Green
Green was docked points because Howard was so off-the-charts amazing, not because his work was subpar.

Look at how successfully he aped Vince Carter and Jason Richardson.

Look at the shoe-less dunk. I'm with Dr. J: that dunk deserves a lot more credit than it was given.

It's amazing how much this year's contest mirrored last year's, even beyond the Birthday Cake/Sticker Dunk thing. Last year, Howard stole the show, but GG put on such a pitch-perfect performance that you couldn't take it away from him. This year, the exact opposite. They're not even, because Howard made out better this year than Green made out last year. But still, it's karmic retribution. (And a not-so-subtle message to Green that his high-wire act will only take him so far.)

Dwight Howard
I may love GG, and I may wish he'd gotten more respect for having brought it at what, in any other year, would have been a championship-worthy level (doing the ONE thing he does well)... but this was the most mesmerizing dunk performance I can remember.

It all comes down to showmanship and enthusiasm. Howard was oozing with joy and love all night, whereas Green was doing his thing, taking it serious and being kinda surly about the whole thing. If Green were as charismatic as Howard, this would have gone down as a Nique-vs-MJ-caliber throwdown. (He also would have scored a 50 on the Birthday Cake.) But you couldn't hold Howard back last night.

I wouldn't be the wet blanket that I am without mentioning that the Superman dunk was botched on a couple levels. (He stopped himself before dunking!!!) And the Nerf dunk absolutely should have had the little hoop set at 12 feet, in protest of the league's refusal to jack the hoop up for him, and additionally should have had him dunking a little ball at 12 feet while also dunking the real thing lefty.

But look at the ridiculous lengths to which I have to go to nit-pick Howard. I mean, seriously, think about the ridiculous shit I just demanded of him. That's how high the bar has been raised.

Off the hook. Maybe not as uniformly sick as has been remembered... but definitely off the hook.

Rashad McCants
I love that the TNT guys were ragging on the fact that McCants, a notorious me-first offensive black hole, was brought along to be GG's passer. It's so true. McCants might be his buddy, but why would he not bring Sebastian Telfair? Better passing makes each of the non-Cake dunks that much better. That GG chose to have his buddy do the passing, instead of someone who's good at passing, says all sorts of things about GG's basketball IQ.

It also increased the subtextual fuck-you message they received from Howard and the powers that be. The two sour, pouty, selfish losers did what they do best: they lost. Howard, the franchise player on a Finals contender, won without question. Nuff said.

One Quick Word About The 3-Point Contest
And that word is... titty.



Thank you, Reggie Miller. Thank you to TNT for allowing them to draw the ensuing conversation out to its conclusion. And a HUGE thank you to Sir Charles for dragging "man-boobs" into the discussion.

One Way In Which The NBA Is Like Rick's

I'm shocked -- SHOCKED -- to find that GAMBLING is going on in here!

This is about as surprising as Lance Bass coming out of the closet.

I Apologize For Hating You When You Were On The Lakers, Derek Fisher

[also known as Experiments In Late-Night Blog Composition; we'll see how maudlin this turns out]

The announcement that Derek Fisher has been granted a release from his contract in Utah reminded me that he made his way onto my Apology For Lifetime Of Hate List. It's a short list, way shorter than its non-apology counterpart. It's pretty much Tim Wakefield, Glen Wesley, Matt "I had no idea you were injured when you sucked so much ass!!!" Clement, and now Fisher.

When Fisher hit the shot of his life to beat San Antonio in the Western semis a few years back, I really despised him. Deeply. I couldn't stand that some little shit point guard on the Lakers had stepped up and hit a miracle shot to win a series. I hated that the Lakers were going to plow through the playoffs again (they didn't) at the expense of a team I kinda liked at the time (hilariously, the Spurs). I blamed Derek Fisher for that. And I never forgave him.

His out-of-nowhere act in the semis against Golden State turned all of that around.

We'd been told throughout the broadcast that Fisher was dealing with "family issues." Stuff like that gets overblown so often that it's tough to feel much in the way of sympathy or connection, but something felt real about the concern for a backup player on the Jazz. Even though my instinct was to downplay what I was hearing, I chose not to.

He flew into Salt Lake City from New York during the game, making it to the court midway through the third quarter. And when he did arrive, the crowd blew up. Just showing up and helping out, apparently, would have been enough.

That he ended up winning the game for Utah, after all he'd been through that day, was legendary.

I was pulling for Golden State, but how could anyone be unimpressed by Fisher's overtime heroics? No warm-ups, no routine, no nothing... just fly into town, put on your pants, and win the game. It's that easy.

But it was his post-game interview, during which he disclosed his daughter's retinoblastoma, that really did it. That was as genuine and just flat-out true a moment as you'll ever see from a public figure of any kind. They're few and far between, especially in the NBA. It was inspiring to see him open up like that, and realize what he'd been through the previous few days.

That's when I started feeling like a dick for hating him. Not just because his daughter has cancer, but because deep down these are still just regular people. They're not Haterade receptacles. It shouldn't take something like this to remind us how little we I know about these people. Any judgments you I have about some athlete, as a person, are probably just completely wrong.

(Well, not any judgments; I'm pretty confident that Albert Belle really is a world-class cocksucker. But the average guy? Why hate someone for hitting a shot? It's stupid.)

So, I'm sorry, Derek Fisher. I'm sorry for being an asshole to you when you were on the Lakers. Privately. In my mind. I shouldn't have done that. You're okay with me now. Best of luck.

Also, Boston has some incredible medical facilities. And our point guard situation is pretty dubious. Just sayin.

NBA Moratorium: Fully Justified

I didn't say anything about this yesterday, but MJD's flawless take on the situation got me fired up.  Release the Crazy Jeff tag!

I tuned in for just a minute or two of the end of Game 4 in Utah... just long enough to catch the unconscionable flop by Manu Ginobili that led to the first of Derek Fisher's two technicals.

At that moment, I knew that my decision to abandon the NBA playoffs was correct.

When I say that the NBA is dead... that its legitimacy is fast plummeting towards the depths occupied by boxing, wrestling, and international soccer... and that David Stern needs to start handing out Ron Artest suspensions for generally unsportsmanlike play (not just isolated incidents, but for a player's body of work)... Ginobili's acting performance is exactly what I'm talking about.

Every bonehead who talks about what a fierce competitor Ginobili is, what a tough guy he is, should be forced to watch that shameless, gutless flop on a loop for an hour.  There's competitiveness, and there's sportsmanship.  Nobody can question Ginobili's competitiveness, but there isn't a drop of sportsmanship in his game.  Not one.  If you respect that piece of shit, even a little bit, you're a real sap, because he sure doesn't respect you very much.

It's well beyond Code Red time for Ginobili.  If it were 1984, that androgynous bald fuck would've gotten his teeth smashed in.  Larry Bird would have done it himself.  Of course, Ginobili would know better than pull that crap on the Celtics or Lakers, because those teams would fight back!

But we all know what would happen if Derek Fisher had delivered the curb-stomping that Ginobili so desperately deserves.  Long suspension for Fisher, nominal fine for Ginobili, Ginobili wins.

And that's not going to change.  Neither the NBA nor its players will fight back, because there's no money in it.  The players keep looking to the league to do something, since vigilantism incurs all kinds of fines and suspensions.  The league, meanwhile, knows that neither the outcome of past games nor income from future games will be affected by the kind of retroactive action I'm calling for.  Improving the quality of the on-court product doesn't affect the TV contract, the attendance figures, the merchandising, the endorsements, or anything else.  Why would they change anything?

And that's how the NBA became a joke.  They don't care, so why should I?

The Utah crowd spent the last four minutes of the game pelting the court (read: the Spurs and referees) with garbage.  I wish I could have joined them.

I'm Not The Least Bit Surprised

YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!

What did I say yesterday? The Celtics are so incompetent, they can't even win a random drawing. I blame the Boston Celtics front office 100% for what happened tonight.

See, I'm a "results" kinda guy. I'm not interested in excuses. Aww, we had injuries. We lost some close games. It's a random drawing over which the Celtics brass could not have exerted any influence. Cry me a river. You know who talks like that? Losers. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. No prom queen = you're a loser. Therefore the folks responsible for the success and failure of the Celtics are therefore responsible for this latest failure.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not crazy. I realize I said some things up there that may not be entirely within the realm of possibility. I may, or may not, have resorted to a bit of hyperbole in order to make my point. But I'm not serious about all that. I'm sane enough to recognize God's wrath when I see it.

Yeah, I said that. All those years of CCD haven't been lost on me. This is Biblical. The owners have been punished for being too proud of their current roster. Doc Rivers has been punished for being a stupid ignorant bastard. Danny Ainge has been punished for not firing Doc, and for trading a rookie of the year for a pistol aficionado. (And let's not forget who won the whole lottery: Portland, the folks on the other end of the Roy/Telfair trade. Don't even try to tell me one thing had nothing to do with the other.)

And, most of all, Celtics fans are being punished for... well, in the Catholic idiom, we're being punished for the success of the Pats and Red Sox. But I have to say, God's choice of punishment is a bit non-standard. He usually makes his point in more traditional ways:



DIAF MFS!!!!! NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!

(No pics on GIS of the Spanish Inquisition, unfortunately. Just illustrations.)

So, now that the inevitable is out of the way, let's see what good can be salvaged from this disaster:

1) Losing on purpose was not rewarded. I can get behind that. In theory.

2) I get to keep hating the NBA without worrying about Oden/Durant excitement. Done and done! (And I mean done.)

3) Doc and Danny are DEFINITELY getting fired now. I'll order the sparkling cider.

4) Maybe, just maybe, landing Durant can save basketball in Seattle. Sidney Crosby saved the Penguins, so maybe Kevin Durant saves the Sonics.

(Man, I really wasted that DIAF picture... should've used it on Clay Bennett. That homophobic money-grubbing scumbag cocksucker. Eat a dick, Clay; don't knock it before you try it. Anyway, if losing Durant meant saving the Sonics, I can't really argue with that. That's fair. Of course, it has to actually happen...)

The Aftermath

Sigh.

I spent the whole game excited. My behavior was about identical to my behavior during Pats-Colts in January... jumping around the house, screaming at every success, talking to the Suns through my television. Usually when I'm up late watching sports, I'm acutely aware of the time; last night, I look up and all of a sudden it's 1 AM. I was riding on the adrenaline highway, with no off-ramp in sight.

And then Manu woke up. That rotten bastard. He sure can play the backet ball. Ruined my night morning.

I gotta say, though, that my main reaction to the Spurs' comeback wasn't "that's bullshit!" Sure, given the suspensions, the result is even more bullshit than ever. But within the confines of the game, the only bullshit was the shameless favoritism towards Phoenix. For San Antonio to still come out on top was a mammoth achievement. I can concede a shred or two of respect.

But still not enough to remove the asterisk I've applied. And definitely not enough to give them credit for the win. That credit goes to one man, and one man alone: David Stern. Happy birthday, asshole.

If there's a silver lining to be found, it's that Der Fuhrer is going to get destroyed for this. Tonight's secret ingredient is... CROW!!! He has had it coming for a long, long time. It couldn't be any more deserved, couldn't happen to a more pigheaded, stubborn, condescending jerk.

Anyway, let's consider what we learned yesterday, starting with the bad news:

BAD NEWS

1) Phoenix is fucked. Good did not win out over evil. D'oh.

2) Marv Albert embarrassed himself by suggesting that not enforcing the bench rule would have been seen as bending to Amare's "marquee status." Oh please. I think it's been established pretty clearly that very few people would think that. Besides, if the NBA is so frightened of bailing out their starts, what was Duncan doing in the building last night? Oh, right, that other thing wasn't an altercation. I forgot.

3) We are at risk of suffering through the occassional "well, you can't blame the suspensions anymore, because the Suns had a chance to win" argument from the Retardosphere. The exact opposite is true. They lost by three points. They got killed on the boards. Two put-packs off of offensive rebounds wins that game. Anyone else think just ten minutes of Amare's time would have made the difference?

GOOD NEWS

1) It was an exciting game. At least America wasn't denied that.

2) To reiterate, the league got one thing right: Phoenix got ALL the calls. Every single one. As they deserve, and will continue to deserve through the balance of the series. Given last night's outcome, it's the least the NBA can do. And it's the only option left on the table if the league wants to save face.

3) In the last couple minutes, Raja Bell flopped, shamelessly, in Manu Ginobili's face. And got the call. That, my friends, was textbook poetic justice. Absolutely classic. It may not rank as highly as "Valeri Kamensky sucker-punches Ulf Samuelsson in the chops" on the Poetic Justice Scale, but I'll take it.

4) Thanks to the loss, I get to keep hating on that Nazi cocksucker! Hooray! Hit the gas, Commish!

5) If the Suns end up losing, the pressure on the NBA to "do something" about it will be off the charts. Given that what happened is basically a microcosm of everything that's wrong with the league culture right now, and that an attitude adjustment has been long overdue, maybe some good will come out of it after all. Fingers crossed...

OK, So I Lied

I know, I know, I didn't keep my promise. But so much cool shit happened today! In 24 hours, the sports world's wheels flew off. They flew right the fuck off. Like when an Olympic luge participant farts in the wrong direction and the sled flies out from under him and shoots him 50 feet in the air. You know?

Seriously though, the NBA is just getting SMOTHERED. You couldn't script a bigger PR disaster. You can feel legitimate rage in otherwise sensible media types. For example, anyone read that Steve Kerr link in the comments of my first post on the matter? He sounded rather critical, didn't he? But that's not him. He's a "team X has to do this, they're getting the ball to player Y" type guy. And yet he took the time to add a touch of sarcasm into his otherwise milquetoast column. That's what I'm talking about. Even the vanilla-faces are bloviating. It's uplifting.

The highlights:

* Kaufman summed up absolutely everything. Everything. No other reasonable thoughts on this topic have occurred to anyone, anywhere. Bravo.

* Simmons, meanwhile, wrote his best column in years. THIS is the Sports Guy who forced his way into ESPN. Of all the times I've read him and thought to myself, "he summed up exactly how I feel," this one beats them all. Even the famous Roger Clemens column isn't as 100%-on-the-money as this one.

* Most stunning of all? SPORTSCENTER ANCHORS ACTUALLY CRITICIZED THE NBA!!! Brian Kenny hated on the ruling! I heard him do it! "Talk about rules that need to be changed," he said. OK, fine, so it was in reference to soccer overtime in the UEFA Cup, but it was obviously a jab at the leaving-the-bench thing! Besides, even a snide aside out of context is WAY off the reservation by ESPN standards. Getting an ill word of any kind out of a SC anchor in 2007 is like getting Jeffrey Dahmer to eat and rape, like, ten guys. (Actually, that wouldn't be so hard. But you get the idea.)

The point is that this is officially a major, major disaster. It's a referendum on the NBA. The vote is overwhelmingly negative.

And it's awesome. Invigorating, even.

I can't wait another two hours.

David Stern, You Nazi Bastard

Hey, it's time for everybody's favorite game show, "Nazi NBA Commissioner Gets Off On Treating Grown Black Men Like They're His Fucking Kids Or Something Else Equally Demeaning!"  Today's contestants are Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw, and Robert Horry:

"This is a very unfortunate circumstance," Jackson said during a conference call. "No one here at the league office wants to suspend players any game, much less a pivotal game in the second round of a playoff series. But the rule, however, is the rule, and we intend to apply it consistently."

Absolutely!  THAT'S the way to apply rules!  I've always felt that way.  Because my name is Cardinal Richelieu, and when I'm not blogging about the NBA, I like to torture heretics by ripping the flesh from their underarm areas. ^_^

Paris Hilton will go to seminary before the NBA applies a single rule properly at any level of its operations.  A league with bigger officiating problems than professional wrestling is suddenly preoccupied with consistency?  Laughable.  I laugh in the face of that statement.

"I feel it's terribly wrong," Suns owner Robert Sarver said. "I feel we've been unjustly penalized for the fact that we played a clean, hard game. I feel if any team should have been penalized in this series, it should be the Spurs and it shouldn't be us. I feel like I've just been punched in the gut."

Usually I'd point to the fact that the guy's an owner and rule his opinion out due to partisanship.  Except he's COMPLETELY FUCKING CORRECT.  So I won't.

Asked if he thought it was a fair decision, Jackson said, "It's not a matter of fairness, it's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision at this point in time."  Jackson said it was clear that Stoudemire and Diaw had violated the rule, saying they were "20 to 25 feet" from their seats.

Yes, because the commissioner's office is completely powerless!  Gosh, I'd hate to be completely in charge of something... I'd just have my hands tied with red tape all the time.  If only he were some kind of dictator-for-life type thing.  Or wait, what's the word... FUHRER!  That's the one.

Interesting how the commissioner didn't want to play God by violating the rules, but did want to play God by yanking two victims from Game 5, more than likely costing Phoenix the series.  Then again, those two guys really should have maintained their composure.  What a couple of fuckin' morons they are for costing their teammates the game.  Totally their fault.

Let me put it this way.  I hope David Stern spends the last 20 years of his life in a coma.  I hope that the entirety of his coma is excruciatingly painful and horrifying, in a way that he is incapable of expressing physically.  And I hope the hospital would have gladly pulled the plug, giving him a dignified, human death... had he submitted the proper paperwork authorizing such a termination.  No paperwork = no euthanasia.  Unfortunate, but the rule, however, is the rule.  It's not about fairness... it's about correctness.

The new NBA was fun while it lasted.  This whole sport is hopeless.  I'm going back to hockey.

The NBA: It's Crock-Of-Shit-Tastic!

Henry Abbott summed up my feelings better than I can.  Must-read link.  But I'll do it anyway.

Thrilled as I am that the Suns fought back against the Spurs to win Game 4, I'm even more thrilled that they fought back against the Spurs literally.  This may be a game or two late, but I'm just about done respecting San Antonio on any level.  My tolerance of Bruce Bowen has shot way past rock bottom, obviously, but the crap that Robert Horry pulled on Steve Nash is the just last nail in the coffin.  One guy called it "chickenshit," which I think is the perfect word for it.  People think they're tough or gritty or whatever, but I think they're the exact opposite: a bunch of gutless cowards.

It makes me wonder... why do we refuse to punish people for cheating on the court the same way we do when they cheat off the court?  Look at how steroid-based cheating is a goddamn federal case, while blatant, documented, VISUAL evidence of cheating is "the mark of a champion" or something.  That's some ol' bullshit.  If we're taking away Barry Bonds's records for steroid-based cheating, and taking away Final Four appearances for finance-based cheating, why do we not take away championships for just plain-old cheating?

I recognize that putting asterisks next to teams' titles for general cheating opens up a can of worms.  Very few championship teams won without gamesmanship on some level.  As a Patriots fan, I know all about the bargain with the devil.  But I'm talking about punishing the poster children.  The very worst of the very worst.  Bonds is the poster child for steroids, and has thus been made an example.  San Antonio is the poster child for cheating on defense and intentionally trying to injure players.  Why can we not make them an example?  I think there's a pretty goddamn fabulous case to be made.

Dreams aside, let's return to the real focus of my bile: Bruce Bowen.  How much more of his dirty, evil, talentless, and above all else unpunished shit does America have to endure before someone DOES something about it?

The guy is a joke.  He's not talented enough to compete, so he cheats.  He is the physical embodiment of "getting away with it."  He's O.J, he's Ray Lewis, he's Kobe Bryant, but only on the court.  Within the context of a basketball game, he represents everything that we teach our children to not be.  There should be no place for a despicable, immoral person like him in sports.

But he'll never be punished properly.  Never.  The NBA has set up a lovely Catch-22: they won't punish the perpetrators, but they will gladly punish the vigilantes.

1) The NBA refuses to suspend the perpetrators of cheating and intentionally dirty play.
If someone gets caught trying to rob a bank, or blow up an airplane, do the police let him go?  No.  That guy's in jail for a long, long time.

If Bruce Bowen gets caught trying to tear Amare Stoudemire's Achilles tendon, does the NBA let him go?  Yes.  No foul, no fine, no suspension.  I guess he didn't do anything wrong!

I mean, it's not like there's no evidence.  There's video of the play.  The intent is there.  He did it.  How can that go completely unpunished?!?

Here's what kills me...

David Stern takes pleasure in handing out arbitrary, fascist suspensions.  It's what gets him up in the morning.  Just ask Jermaine O'Neal.  Hell, ask Kobe Bryant.  And when Stern does drop the hammer, he's bulletproof.  Appeal denied!!!

So if David Stern were to kick Bowen out for the rest of the playoffs, for conduct unbecoming of an adult let alone an NBA player, there ain't a goddamn thing anyone could do about it.

Who's gonna beat the commissioner?  The Spurs?  They made Bowen what he is, so they ought to be made to feel some pain.  The players' union?  They're the Washington Generals to Der Fuhrer's Harlem Globetrotters.  They're puppets.  Bowen's agent?  Ha!  Not likely.  Stern could do this.  He could send a message.  He could put the fear of an arbitrary, crazy God in the hearts of anyone who might fit the description of a dirty player.  But he doesn't.

Why?  Because he's convinced that dirty play on the court does not adversely affect the league's image.  Bowen's transgressions are limited to the basketball court.  He's not waving a gun outside a nightclub.  He's not violating the league's dress code.  He's not talking back to referees.  So the league doesn't care.  (Way to have your priorities straight.  Trying to paralyze someone on purpose is okay, as long as you wear a suit and shut up.)

Therefore, NBA referees and league officials will allow Bowen to continue his path of destruction until a superstar like LeBron or D-Wade gets seriously, seriously hurt by this guy.  Of course, then it'll be too late.

This all seems to rule out the NBA governing itself, which leaves it up to the players themselves.  However:

2) The NBA is more likely to punish the response to a cheap shot than the cheap shot itself.
Not only has the league failed to address their own problem, but they've set up rules such that players who so much as think about addressing the problem themselves get automatic suspensions.  The NBA has set precedents for fighting so severe that the consequences are too dire to allow for proper retribution.  We're not going to do anything about it... but don't you be a vigilante, either.

For example, watch what happens today in the aftermath of the fight.  Amare Stoudemire will draw a suspension for the biggest game of his life, because he stood up and took exception to yet another cheap-shot from the Spurs.  Didn't throw a punch, didn't hurt anyone.  He just had a reaction.  How much more of this crap can they be expected to take without doing anything about it?

And why do players continue to have that reaction, despite the threat of a "leaving the bench" suspension?  Because they have ZERO trust in the refs and the league to handle things themselves.  If just and appropriate punishments were EVER handed out, maybe you'd see players stay right on the bench where they belong.  It's a snap-judgment, an instinctive thing to begin with; the lack of faith in the powers that be exacerbates it.  If your teammate gets elbowed in the chops on purpose, and your choices are "sitting back, knowing nothing will be done" and "I get suspended, but at least I fixed shit," odds are that most people take option #2.

(Somewhat off-topic, but I would like someone to tell me why one's response to cheating is a test of one's cool, but not the act of cheating itself.  Isn't it an implicit admission of inferiority if you resort to illegal play?  A sign of weakness?  If a player better than me is just owning me, and my lack of ability leaves me no choice but to resort to cheap-ass elbowing and oil-checking maneuvers, have I not also lost my cool?  Why does the collective pressure lie on the victim?  Explain THAT.)

The reason this stuff drives me so nuts is that the "new NBA" is so much better than the Rileyball era... but the league's refusal to discourage thug-ball will kill that trend before it even gets rolling.  We desperately need one of these "new/exciting" teams (Mavs, Suns, et al) to win a championship and get it done against the thug-ballers.  But the refs do not (and maybe cannot) prevent thug-ball from being so effective.  Thugs like Bowen have no fear of significant retribution.  They think they won't be punished if they can slip it past the refs.  If dirty players knew that they could dodge a foul from the ref, but not a suspension from the league, watch how quickly they'd start behaving.

If the league continues to sit on its hands, teams will revert right back to Rileyball.  Other than the Van Gundy brothers, nobody wants that.  The NBA could stop it, but they won't.  I wish they would.

Anyway, Game 5 should be a goddamn classic.  Let's hope half the players aren't suspended.

Sonics

So, I haven't really been keeping up with the whole Sonics situation because it's been so depressing, but I ran across a couple of things recently that are actually pretty interesting. First, is an old-ish post from Supersonic Soul. The post basically claims that Vegas was never really an option, and that the new Sonics management may be forced to back down and just settle for Key Arena, or I guess maybe put up a lot of their own money for the new arena. I don't know if he's right, but it sounds great to me... Unless, that means new rumors of leaving every year until it eventually happens. That will be excruciating.

But, it may be that not all hope is lost. I mean, the Sonics are likely to suck for the foreseeable future, but they may be more stable than we think. Sonics Central, for example, points out that Chad Ford's draft board -- in the event of the Sonics picking 3rd -- has us taking Yi Jianlian. I figure that means we take him 5th as well, since I don't really get the sense other teams are likely to be that high on him. Oh no, you say? The Sonics taking another unproven big man, gambling on him being a dynamic force eventually? Well, yeah. But...

How the hell is the NBA going to move the Sonics away from Seattle with the second biggest Chinese star on the roster? You think Yi will pack in the fans in Oklahoma or KC like he would in Seattle? I think not. And let's be honest, it's time to blow this whole damn thing up anyway. So, we don't end up with Durant or Oden, I'm not sure it's so bad that the Sonics may go after Yi. How does this look, long term?

1) Draft Yi.
2) Do not resign Rashard Lewis
3) Trade Ray Allen at the deadline next year to some team who needs scoring for a playoff run
4) Hell, trade a bunch of other guys too. There is not one person on this roster that I am convinced can help the Sonics eventually win a championship.
4) Draft #1 overall next year
5) Profit

It's not as optimal as it could have been. We should have traded Rashard Lewis at the deadline this year, tanked, and drafted Durant. But with Yi on the roster, if he's 3/4 of the player that Yao is (and reports are somewhat promising), they cannot move the team from Seattle. It could re-brand the Sonics better than anything else I can imagine. And if the current ownership group decides they really can't move the team, at least they'll run the team like a business and not like Howard Schultz' little toy.

Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but it'll be interesting to see how this all looks after the draft.

Kaufman

For any who missed it, King Kaufman over at Salon really waxed poetic about the Jazz/Warriors game last night. Well worth a read.

Douche Nowitzki?

Ok, I hate Dirk. I don't like watching him play. I don't think he should be the MVP. I don't like the obnoxious faces he makes. I don't like watching him throw tantrums at his teammates. Despite an irrational dislike of Dallas as a city, I can't think of another reason why I dislike the Mavs.

But I think I'm disliking all the Dirk-hating even more. Check out this post and response on ESPN.com:

Jason (Ohio): Hey Chris it boils down to this. In any sport you have players and you have winners. NBA: Dirk is a player, Jordan was a winner. NFL: Dan Marino was a player, Tom Brady is a winner. A winner has a certain moxy to them, they stay cool under pressure, they want the ball when the game is on the line, and they don't make excuses. Dirk is the complete opposite of a winner. He may be a hall of famer someday, but not a winner.

Chris Sheridan: I'll let that one speak for itself, Jason.

First of all, Jason, you sound like a douche. You're not the guy I want telling me who a winner is. Second, this guy has probably been saying the same thing for years. Except after the Super Bowl, he had to sub in Dan Marino for Peyton Manning. People were saying the same crap about Manning every year, but he wound up winning. Did he do something radically different or alter his basic nature? No. He was a great player who had some bad performances, and whose teams had some bad performances.

What's even worse is that Chris Sheridan agrees with him and is egging these guys on! Earlier in the chat, he agreed that Nowitzki isn't mentally tough enough and mentioned trading Dirk for Jermaine O'Neal straight up. I mean, I know he's self-aggrandizing and obnoxious, but he usually sounds overinformed rather than uninformed.

Even the "winners" have crappy performances (Simmons mentioned a few that surprised me in his last blog). And some players do seem to have a little more of an "it" factor then others (uuuuuuuughJeterbuthecaneatabag). But this is the best player on a 67-win team, a guy who had the best PER in the league two years running. He's made tough shots and had some pretty big playoff performances last year (50 on the Suns, knocking off the Spurs). Now, because of a ref screwjob last spring (although he probably did let that get into his head a bit too) and a lousy series against a team that finally gelling after trades, getting healthy and playing defense, you want to trade him for a guy who's salary is larger this year ($18M v. $15M) and over the next four ( $80M v. $69M), and has 2/3 the PER (18.86 v. 27.70)? Iguodala's PER was 18.18 -- would you trade Nowitzki for Iguodala? Ok, bad example because Iguodala is awesome.

Look, when a guy's whose star attribute is not screwing up can't stop screwing up in a playoff series, it's going to get ugly fast. And I don't feel bad for him: he seems like a jerk, I don't like his ass-face, and people can revel in his crapping all they want. But to say that athletes are almost genetically subdivided into "winners" and "players," especially when you have highly visible, recent evidence to the contrary, is ignorant. And to suggest blowing up a 67-win team by shipping off the most efficient player in the league for a more expensive, lesser player whose own mental toughness has been questioned is Joe Morgan-esque.

The Name of the Week award goes to . . .

. . . this guy. When did they start putting EA Sports name generators in maternity wards?

Now if I could only write the columns . . .

HEINRICH MANUEVER:
Bulls Expel Heat, Clear Path to the Second Round

League Optimization: NBA

George Orwell once said that any word not critical to the expression of a thought can be edited out. The same is true of sports teams. Today I lipo-suck the fat from the NBA, leaving behind a leaner, more elegant basketball league.

There are fewer unhealthy NBA franchises than, say, NHL franchises. The league is pretty bulletproof at the moment. But that doesn't mean teams are in the right cities, and it doesn't mean they need 30 teams.

As with the earlier NHL optimization, this is primarily a work of fantasy. I'm looking at fan-support issues, not the financial realities of each team's situation. For example, I drop my boxers and shake what remains in the face of anyone who thinks that the Seattle SuperSonics should leave The 206. Regardless of the arena deal and whatnot, I'd think the NBA would prefer that they live long and prosper in Seattle. Sure, the league would be fine with the Sonics in Vegas or Oklahoma or Bismarck or whatever, but basketball done right in Seattle has a higher ceiling than that of any potential suitor.

Anyway, here are the teams I'd consider moving or folding:

• Atlanta Hawks
• Charlotte Bobcats
• Memphis Grizzlies
• Orlando Magic
• Toronto Raptors
  

Atlanta Hawks
I will parrot my cry from the NHL post: this is not a city that can support four teams. Even three teams is a stretch. There is no love affair in Atlanta sports. The Braves are a habit, like brushing one's teeth every morning, more than a passion. The Falcons are probably the team that needs to succeed the most. The Thrashers and Hawks, however... jeez. The Hawks have tons of history, with Dominique and Spud Webb and all them, which is a fair point. Then again, they have a ton of history in St. Louis. Hot dog, we have a wiener! MEET THEM IN ST. LOUIS

Charlotte Bobcats
Bill Simmons took the city of Charlotte to task recently for not supporting their shitty team. While that seems like a great reason to yoink their team away, I think the Carolinas are too basketball-obsessed to abandon like this. Given the choice between pro ball succeeding in Charlotte, Atlanta or Orlando,I'll take Charlotte every damn time. STAY

Memphis Grizzlies
Am I allowed to vote for contraction simply because Dahntay Jones plays for them? Absolutely. I do have other reasons... the franchise is in horrible shape (pending Oden's arrival), and Memphis isn't exactly crying out for a team. But mostly it's because of Dahntay. Dahn-na-na, na-na, na-na-nah, hey, YOU FOLD

Orlando Magic
Peter May didn't dub this city Hooterville back in the 90's for nothing. What is the NBA doing in this city? They make Atlanta look viable and vibrant. Look at it this way... the state of Florida is overpopulated, well above ecological sustainability. The underground aquafers are stretched beyond the point at which they can support the state's existing level of industry and residence. In that sense, it's really in Mother Earth's best interests to start Florida on the path towards environmental recovery by shitcanning the Dwight and Darko show. It's what Al Gore would do. (I suppose Gore's actual revenge against Florida would look different, but this is a good start.) FOLD

Toronto Raptors
I'm all for putting hockey teams back up there, but when your players actively dislike playing for you because of the financial situation, I think that's a bad sign for future growth. And it's a legitimate gripe, too... there's a ceiling on how successful the franchise can be, given NBA culture. Building legitimacy for Canadian basketball is already an uphill battle, and that's a big strike against it. Even the Raptors' current Atlantic Division supremacy, and the upward spiral of Chris Bosh, won't change my mind. Oklahoma City did such a bang-up job with the Hornets, I say we throw them a bone... or, should I say, a fossil? Ha ha! MOVE THEM SHITS TO THE OKC

Seattle SuperSonics
There have been rumors circling that they will move. However, those rumors exist because of arena/lease issues, and ownership issues, not fan support or team success. Again, the league is way, way better off with Seattle than without them. STAY

New World Order

Atlantic	Central	Midwest	Pacific
Boston	Cleveland	Dallas	Phoenix
New York	Detroit	San Antonio	LA Lakers
Philadelphia	Chicago	Houston	LA Clippers
NJ/Brooklyn	Milwaukee	Oklahoma City	Portland
Washington	Minnesota	Denver	Seattle
Charlotte	St. Louis	New Orleans	Sacramento
Miami	Indiana	Utah	Golden State

Summary

Not nearly as drastic as the NHL changes. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, the Atlantic and Pacific are entirely identical to their alignment prior to the Bobcats' arrival. The main switch is pulling Minnesota into the East, and moving the OKC Raptors into the Midwest, such that geographic rivalries are maintained. Doesn't it make more sense for Minnesota to go up against Milwaukee and Chicago? Or for New Orleans to compete against not only nearby Texan cities but the "other woman" that tempted their current team, Oklahoma City?

The dispersal draft would have a huge impact for the worst of the worst, but not really for the rest. There are exactly three impact players (Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol, Mike Miller), some rotation players/curiosities (Hedo Turkoglu, Jameer Nelson, Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick) and a bunch of shitty flotsam (J.J. Redick). I would think the league could hold a separate lottery for dispersal purposes, thus preventing anyone in the top 3 of the rookie draft from getting a top 3 dispersal pick.

So there you have it. Bask in the glow. (Stings a bit, doesn't it?)

Whither Canada?

The main obstacle here is Der Fuhrer, David Stern, and his insufferable promotion of NBA internationalism. He'd sooner move the Raptors to La Paz than return them to America. He is wrong. Internationalizing the teams' location is the wrong move; if it were a reasonable proposition, the European soccer leagues would have expanded themselves by now, because no sport is more international than soccer. It's no damnation of Canadian basketball to admit that NBA basketball in Toronto is dead.

Besides, the real way to develop Canadian basketball is for them to make their own league, a la the CFL. Look at how many undrafted college grads and NBA castoffs are going overseas and playing in friggin Israel and Turkey and shit. How many of them wouldn't opt for Canada if the money were about the same?

The reason this could work, and why it's such a provocative idea, is that Canada's league wouldn't be competing with the NBA: they'd be competing with the NCAA. Play in Canada until age 20, and jump to the NBA without college, just like the average European superstar would do.

I think there's a real beauty in this. Canada has no reason to give a rat's ass about abiding by either the NBA's 20-year-old age limit or the NCAA's de facto minor-league status. And they can offer a legal, reasonable alternative to college for all the kids who wouldn't take it seriously anyway. Not to mention a paycheck, over the table, that could likely match what they'd be getting under the table at college. There's really nothing the NBA could do from a legislative standpoint to prevent a Canadian pro league as a legitimate sidestep to the age limit.

Look at a basket case like O.J. Mayo. The benefits of college, and possibly college basketball as well, would be lost on him. So why make him go? Given the choice between a year of basket-weaving classes at USC, versus a season in Toronto or Montreal making bank while playing against professionals and developing NBA-style skills, what do you think Mayo would do?

Is it smart for the average high school player to do this? Probably not. But at the same time, I'd think a legitimate Canadian league could stock its roster with enough Kevin Pittsnogles to be selective when it came to high schoolers. It wouldn't necessarily be a way around school for kids who need it.

Am I missing something here?