Postgame Spread
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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

David Stern, You Nazi Bastard    

Hey, it's time for everybody's favorite game show, "Nazi NBA Commissioner Gets Off On Treating Grown Black Men Like They're His Fucking Kids Or Something Else Equally Demeaning!"  Today's contestants are Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw, and Robert Horry:

"This is a very unfortunate circumstance," Jackson said during a conference call. "No one here at the league office wants to suspend players any game, much less a pivotal game in the second round of a playoff series. But the rule, however, is the rule, and we intend to apply it consistently."

Absolutely!  THAT'S the way to apply rules!  I've always felt that way.  Because my name is Cardinal Richelieu, and when I'm not blogging about the NBA, I like to torture heretics by ripping the flesh from their underarm areas. ^_^

Paris Hilton will go to seminary before the NBA applies a single rule properly at any level of its operations.  A league with bigger officiating problems than professional wrestling is suddenly preoccupied with consistency?  Laughable.  I laugh in the face of that statement.

"I feel it's terribly wrong," Suns owner Robert Sarver said. "I feel we've been unjustly penalized for the fact that we played a clean, hard game. I feel if any team should have been penalized in this series, it should be the Spurs and it shouldn't be us. I feel like I've just been punched in the gut."

Usually I'd point to the fact that the guy's an owner and rule his opinion out due to partisanship.  Except he's COMPLETELY FUCKING CORRECT.  So I won't.

Asked if he thought it was a fair decision, Jackson said, "It's not a matter of fairness, it's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision at this point in time."  Jackson said it was clear that Stoudemire and Diaw had violated the rule, saying they were "20 to 25 feet" from their seats.

Yes, because the commissioner's office is completely powerless!  Gosh, I'd hate to be completely in charge of something... I'd just have my hands tied with red tape all the time.  If only he were some kind of dictator-for-life type thing.  Or wait, what's the word... FUHRER!  That's the one.

Interesting how the commissioner didn't want to play God by violating the rules, but did want to play God by yanking two victims from Game 5, more than likely costing Phoenix the series.  Then again, those two guys really should have maintained their composure.  What a couple of fuckin' morons they are for costing their teammates the game.  Totally their fault.

Let me put it this way.  I hope David Stern spends the last 20 years of his life in a coma.  I hope that the entirety of his coma is excruciatingly painful and horrifying, in a way that he is incapable of expressing physically.  And I hope the hospital would have gladly pulled the plug, giving him a dignified, human death... had he submitted the proper paperwork authorizing such a termination.  No paperwork = no euthanasia.  Unfortunate, but the rule, however, is the rule.  It's not about fairness... it's about correctness.

The new NBA was fun while it lasted.  This whole sport is hopeless.  I'm going back to hockey.

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