Postgame Spread: I'm Not The Least Bit Surprised

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!

What did I say yesterday? The Celtics are so incompetent, they can't even win a random drawing. I blame the Boston Celtics front office 100% for what happened tonight.

See, I'm a "results" kinda guy. I'm not interested in excuses. Aww, we had injuries. We lost some close games. It's a random drawing over which the Celtics brass could not have exerted any influence. Cry me a river. You know who talks like that? Losers. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. No prom queen = you're a loser. Therefore the folks responsible for the success and failure of the Celtics are therefore responsible for this latest failure.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not crazy. I realize I said some things up there that may not be entirely within the realm of possibility. I may, or may not, have resorted to a bit of hyperbole in order to make my point. But I'm not serious about all that. I'm sane enough to recognize God's wrath when I see it.

Yeah, I said that. All those years of CCD haven't been lost on me. This is Biblical. The owners have been punished for being too proud of their current roster. Doc Rivers has been punished for being a stupid ignorant bastard. Danny Ainge has been punished for not firing Doc, and for trading a rookie of the year for a pistol aficionado. (And let's not forget who won the whole lottery: Portland, the folks on the other end of the Roy/Telfair trade. Don't even try to tell me one thing had nothing to do with the other.)

And, most of all, Celtics fans are being punished for... well, in the Catholic idiom, we're being punished for the success of the Pats and Red Sox. But I have to say, God's choice of punishment is a bit non-standard. He usually makes his point in more traditional ways:

DIAF MFS!!!!! NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!

(No pics on GIS of the Spanish Inquisition, unfortunately. Just illustrations.)

So, now that the inevitable is out of the way, let's see what good can be salvaged from this disaster:

1) Losing on purpose was not rewarded. I can get behind that. In theory.

2) I get to keep hating the NBA without worrying about Oden/Durant excitement. Done and done! (And I mean done.)

3) Doc and Danny are DEFINITELY getting fired now. I'll order the sparkling cider.

4) Maybe, just maybe, landing Durant can save basketball in Seattle. Sidney Crosby saved the Penguins, so maybe Kevin Durant saves the Sonics.

(Man, I really wasted that DIAF picture... should've used it on Clay Bennett. That homophobic money-grubbing scumbag cocksucker. Eat a dick, Clay; don't knock it before you try it. Anyway, if losing Durant meant saving the Sonics, I can't really argue with that. That's fair. Of course, it has to actually happen...)

Labels: basketball, celtics, crazy Jeff, DIAF, fire Doc Rivers, God took a wet dump on my life, NBA lottery

6 Comments:

Oh. My. God.

I was concerned about the Joakim Noah thing before the draft. THAT was my nightmare.

But I now have new fuel:

With the fifth pick in the 2007 NBA Draft The Boston Celtics select Roy Hibbert.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

By Jeff, at 11:07 PM
Chad Ford thinks the Sixers will take Josh McRoberts with their second first rounder:

"He's not a go-to type player, but he should be a better, more athletic version of Luke Walton."

Inspiring 21st pick. But there's ample evidence to suggest King wouldn't mind dropping a Dookie on Sixers fans in the draft. And subsequently paying him $60M.

By chas, at 11:18 PM
Also, I'll be shocked if King drafts with all of those first rounders. I'm expecting him to either try to move up (maybe to get Horford or Wright), unload a stupid contract (Dalembert, Korver, Green) or both.

Anyway, picks I'd be especially psyched about, excluding Oden or Durant: Wright, Brewer, Horford, Rush, Belinelli, Splitter, probably Noah (although I think I'd hate him if he wound up on the wrong team)

Picks I'd be especially nonpsyched about: McSoftie, Hawes, Julian Wright, Sean Williams

Picks that confuse me: Thaddeus Young (exciting, but seems like his upside is Iguodala. Then again, a team of Iguodala's could be pretty sweet), Hibbert (slow as hell, but a definite thug for a team that appreciates them, or at least used to), and Green (I mean, I've heard he was good, but I actually never saw him do anything all that exciting except The Big Travel). The biggest confusing pick is Yi Jianlian. I've been ready to bury whatever team picked him, but I saw some footage of him a few days ago (youtube?) and he looks pretty awesome -- like a younger, less completely obnoxious Nowitzki (or a rich man's Pat Garrity). I'm not sure the Sixers need another big guy who'll get pushed around, but he'll be fun to watch on the right team.

And lastly, fun potential second rounders: the guy from VMU whose name I can't remember, Trey Johnson (Jackson State), Arron Afflalo (I went from thinking he'd have no chance in the NBA to thinking he might be a pretty useful second rounder, with that midrange jumper), and of course D.J. Strawberry (long live Strawberrys!).

By chas, at 11:42 PM
chum917 (5/22/2007 at 9:39 PM)

"The Sixers should trade Andre Miller and 12th pick for ATL's 3rd pick and one of their young guys (Marvin Williams, Sheldan Williams, Josh Childress)."

Gary, are you chum917?

By chas, at 11:47 PM
Chas, are you drunk? You're arguing with imaginary statements and deleting comments left and right.

By Jeff, at 12:00 AM
wait, is Oden the prom queen?

Photoshop contest!

By Alex, at 9:13 AM