Massholes On Parade

This season, I'm on a mission of mercy. I'm here from Mitch and Murray!

With a division title under my Red Sox' belts, and a fast-ballooning Boston payroll, the playing field is truly even, for the first time since the days of Donny Baseball. We can finally be magnanimous about the local nine, and not treat baseball like an arms race. Acting like dickheads about the Yankees is entirely unnecessary; we have nothing to prove and nothing to gain by doing so. Theo the Pimp has afforded us the luxury of sitting back and just enjoying the ride. We can free ourselves of all this hate and just be happy.

But nobody's getting that message. It's just the same old Yankees-suck bullshit as always. We've all been greedy. Envious. Wrathful. Prideful.




We have a fast-growing karmic deficit on our hands. If we're not careful, Kevin Spacey is going to put our heads in a box. (And God knows what he'll do to the rest of our bodies.) Hell, after this past Super Bowl, a well-deserved kick in the nuts to an entire region (my testicles are still ringing like Christmas church bells), maybe it already happened. Maybe we've already been Spacey'd. It sure feels like it.

Well, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to endure another nightmare scenario because of my compatriots' aggregate assholery. This season cannot be allowed to devolve into the same old bitterness, bile, and bloviation. It's time to fight back against my own kind.

How, you ask? By pointing out every case of Massholery that I find.



Trust me. It's for our own good.

Anyway, the first entry is the perfect example to get this series started:

The victim’s sobbing girlfriend told police the couple went to the Cantab Lounge at 738 Mass. Ave. midnight Saturday. The couple was inside the bar for a while when a large group of people came up to them and started arguing with the victim because he was wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap, according to police reports.

Best part: the Irish accents. Worst part: everything else.

Gentlemen... you skidmarks on the underwear of life... this isn't cute anymore. Five years ago, this might have elicited a brief, evil smile from me. Now I just roll my eyes at how pathetic and pedantic it is. Gee, you really showed that guy. If you stood under a blacklight, you'd shine blue, like the cumstains that you are.

I hope I won't need more installments in this series, but if Chuck E. Cheese's fights are any indication, I probably will.

In closing, this town needs an enema.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH

DAY WANNA WONGA, SLEEMO?



So they were fined $750K and a 1st-round draft pick... the toughest non-punishment possible.

What do we learn from this?

1. Nothing serious happened.
Roger Goodell is a fascist, and not shy about it. And yet he didn't suspend Belichick for a single game, when he allegedly had every reason to. That's conclusive enough for me.

The end result was still run-of-the-mill gamesmanship. A little bit unfair, but certainly commensurate with the punishment levied.

2. The fines and picks were mostly political.
Goodell still had to look like he's taking this seriously, however. Hence the "unprecedented" punishment. Of course, unprecedented doesn't necessarily imply harshness. If Belichick had been fined 12 hamburgers and a bucket of pureed Spam canisters, that would also have been unprecedented. But not particularly harmful.

3. I now know how San Francisco Giants fans feel.
The crimes committed have almost nothing to do with each other. But the witch hunt is the same. Everyone, myself included, enjoyed nailing the despicable Barry Bonds for personal reasons; so it goes with the Belichick hate-sluice. The dike of hate has been busted open.

It makes me want to cut the Bonds defenders a LOT of slack. They're not in the right, but it really sucks to get attacked for shit you didn't do, and have your thoughts and opinions totally invalidated simply because of your rooting interests. God forbid you don't join in with the witch-burning with the rest of the mob. It's just lazy thinking.

Similarly lazy is the failure to put what actually happened into context, and consider what advantage was gained by "cheating." The tangible effect was minimal; illegal for sure, but hardly serious. But no... people pretty much stopped at "cheating" and "Belichick," two things NFL fans hate, being lumped together.

4. This story won't die that easily.
Nobody cares about the punishment. The whole "it's done, let's move on" way of thinking isn't gonna happen. And I can't blame anyone who feels that way. I still do not recognize the Spurs as the 2007 NBA champions, nor will I ever. Everyone's gonna bitch about this until the season ends.

Of course, the originators of the "nobody respected us, nobody believed we could do it" motivational tactic are right back in that old, familiar spot. Hmmm, isn't THAT convenient! Gosh, this "cheating" story is the worst thing that could have possibly happened... TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

5. Thankfully, I'm done with this topic
We now return you to the rest of my irrational sports coverage.

YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK YANKEES SUCK