NFL Predictions

This year, no screwing around... we're gonna do this BEFORE the games start!  That's right, bask in the warm, inviting glow of our professionalism...

I'm kinda obligated to pick the Pats to win it all, which I think they'll do.  But it's not a fait accompli.  The absence of Human Growth Harrison and Richard Seymour for all of September, and the unknowns surrounding Randy "That Is A Disgusting Act" Moss, provide an added degree of difficulty.  They could very easily stumble out of the gate and blow their shot at home-field, considering that the Chargers, Colts and Ravens are entirely capable of winning 13 and contending for a first-round bye.  Great as the Pats have been, 1986 was the only time they've made the Super Bowl without a bye.

Other notable developments:

• the Bills, Cowboys and Jaguars suck a nut
• the Steelers and Seahawks will be punished for giving America the worst Super Bowl ever
• I reject the trendiness of the Titans, and embrace that of the 49ers
• the Falcons will overcome adversity to finish 8-8 and annoy a lot of people
• the Lions will be much-improved on offense, but will still blow a big floppy
• I always predict the Texans to reach respectability; no reason to stop now

And now, I present to you... the five-ass NFL predictions!  (HNNNNNNNNNUHHHH.)

AFC East
Patriots*
Jets
Dolphins
Bills

North
Bengals
Ravens
Steelers
Browns

South
Colts
Texans
Titans
Jaguars

West
Chargers*
Broncos
Chiefs
Raiders

NFC East
Eagles*
Redskins
Giants
Cowboys

North
Bears
Vikings
Lions
Packers

South
Saints*
Falcons
Panthers
Buccanneers

West
49ers
Rams
Seahawks
Cardinals

AFC Playoffs
Patriots d. Chargers
Colts d. Broncos
--
Patriots d. Colts

NFC Playoffs
Bears d. Eagles
Saints d. 49ers
--
Bears d. Saints

Super Bowl
Patriots d. Bears