Postgame Spread
You guys hangin' out? I'll hang out.

Friday, August 17, 2007

All Errors And No Bat Makes Crazy Jeff Something Something    

J.D. Drew: you are dead to me.

I have been more than patient with you.  I have not called for your head, figuring that a turnaround similar to that of each of your struggling teammates (Crisp, Lugo, Beckett, Pedroia) was sure to be on its way.

You have rewarded that patience with a full 4 1/2 months of pure, unadulterated, unbroken incompetence.

Now you're flat-out dropping line drives hit right at you.  You caused a run to score, immediately putting a nervous pitcher, making his big-league debut, on the losing side of the score.  Like he needs more pressure, you prick.  Talk about hitting rock bottom.

Hey look, I started a live blog of the game:

1:15: J.D. Drew sucks.
1:17: J.D. Drew sucks.
1:18: J.D. Drew sucks.
1:20: J.D. Drew sucks.
1:21: J.D. Drew sucks.
1:22: Eat a dick, J.D. Drew.
1:23: Burrito time!
1:28: J.D. Drew sucks.

Sir, you are either having the worst year of your life, on both a personal and professional level, or you are just as gutless, spineless and uninterested as everyone else says you are.  Either way, you do not have the luxury of dropping balls hit right at you.  One outfielder with those tendencies is quite enough.

Perhaps you're hurt.  That's possible.  It would certainly explain a lot.  But if so, I honestly don't care.  If this is how you play when you're hurt, I'd just assume you sit your ass on the bench and eat seeds for the rest of the year.  Don't worry, you'll still get your money.

This is your last chance to leave baseball with your good name intact.  If you do not absolutely dominate for the remainder of the season... and I mean some serious Big Papi shit... you will be run out of town.  Contract be damned; they disappeared Renteria, and they can disappear you too.

Hopefully this is the wake-up call you need, the kind of public shaming that causes you to remember that you actually give a fuck about your performance.  Your run-scoring triple to the triangle is a good start.  Now do it again.  And again.  And don't you even think about letting up until I say so.  You have six weeks.

And yes, this is me barking commands at you.  You've lost your right to be a grown man.  You do what I say when I say it.  Don't you know who the fuck I ammmmmmm?  I don't give a fuck.

I'm Crazy Jeff, and I approve this message.

5 Comments:

  • Our season is over: Doug Mirabelli has a strained right calf. Might as well raise the AL East flag in the Bronx.

    By Blogger Chris, at 4:34 PM  

  • Dougie goin to ice tonight.

    Oh, and how is that Boras' prediction that J.D. would steal 20 bases this year look now?

    I'm ROFLGAY Ft. Yankee, and I approved this comment

    By Blogger Alex, at 9:54 AM  

  • Jeff, I agree, you have been very patient. And I am beginning to feel pretty nervous about my defenses of the contract. I won't be comfortable retracting them entirely until this point next year or so, but it doesn't look very good. But I think you're fully entitled to flip out on him.

    By Blogger Jesse, at 3:48 PM  

  • Mostly I'm hesitant to all-out hate (yes, the above was tempered) because I believe the majority of statistical drop-offs like this are physical in nature. What's obvious now isn't always so obvious in retrospect.

    I hated Matt Clement in 2005. Turns out he was pitching through injuries that have had him shelved ever since. Now I feel like an ass, and appreciate that he took bullets for the team in order to compete. Same with Keith Foulke, although I never hated him.

    So is something similar going on with Drew? I'd bet on it. Given that he has reason to not appear like the "15-day DL w/ a broken fingernail" softie everyone thinks he is, I could see him playing through pain in silence.

    (Then again, equally likely is that his shoulder crapped out on him, and he's not sharing b/c of the nifty little exit clause the Sox so wisely negotiated. There's $70 million riding on him STFUing.)

    Anyway, my point was not so much that Drew has sucked with the bat. If he's truly hurt, then I have sympathy for that and appreciate his having played through it, despite preferring that he be pitiable on the bench.

    My point was that if he's so hurt that he's going to add "I may or may not catch these fly balls hit at me" to the list of shit we have to endure, then I'm out. That's where I draw my line.

    By Blogger Jeff, at 4:42 PM  

  • Are you an ASS? Don't you know who he is? He's J.D. Drew! The pussiest athlete since the reanimated corpse of Carl PavaNO. I am 100% sure that he has some sand in his vag, and is keeping quiet about it cause he fears the Sox's out clause. But, as 2004 showed us, True Red Sox play, and perform well, despite their sandy cooters (see Schilling, Cu(n)rt)).

    HATEHATEHATEHATE!

    By Blogger Alex, at 10:01 AM  

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