OMFG RED SOX SUX0RS I HATE THEM EFF TEH YANKEES 2

Kidding!



Now that I've broken my blog duck for 2011, I can go back to tackling the question of what to do with myself now that all my teams have won. Hint: it includes less sports. But still, I'm curious as to why the biggest September collapse in history doesn't bother me much, while the mere mention of Rex Ryan makes me want to kick an infant. I'm accepting ideas for an explanation.

In case you're curious, though, here's a summary of what life will be like once your teams win everything there is to be won:

1. You'll have your life back.
2. You'll look for some exciting new sport on which to waste that life.

For me, that's been soccer. Which reminds me, I haven't watched soccer in almost two hours, brb! I'll leave you with this:

Bruins/NHL Playoffs Talk

Make sure Nutty's playing as you read:



I am psyched this year like I have never been before. Psyched and mortified, but mostly psyched. I have an odd feeling about this team, after having watched nearly every single game: hope.

Every time the Bruins have landed a top seed in recent years, there's always been a stench of overachievement all about them. The playoffs would arrive, the smoke and mirrors would dissipate, and an exhausted bunch of losers would fall to the Canadiens. I can't lie: this thought has crossed my mind several times once the Habs were confirmed as the Bruins' opponent.

But this time really is different. The B's have literally no weaknesses. They can win with the neutral-zone trap, and against it; they can win 1-0 over any team you can imagine; they can win in a track meet; they can overcome your clean checks, and they can overcome a Hanson Brothers-style brawl too, as they proved last week against the Habs. They have one of the NHL's best offenses, with three lines that can carry a team's scoring for the game; they have its best defenseman, in certain Norris candidate Zdeno Chara, and a front four that can absorb any offense in the league; they have its best goalie, in near-certain Vezina winner Tim Thomas, recent winner of the Jennings Trophy for fewest goals against on the season (despite Manny Fernandez's best efforts to blow it for him).

In short, there hasn't been any overachieving. It's not like their breakout players shouldn't have broken out; Phil Kessel, David Krejci, Blake Wheeler, Milan Lucic... these guys were all SUPPOSED to do exactly what they're doing. It's not as if Chuck Kobasew scored 50 goals or some bullshit like that. In fact, given that Lucic and one-time 30-goal scorer Patrice Bergeron have only been themselves the past couple weeks, I would say they underachieved. They could be rolling three lines full of 20-goal scorers, and they're not. How about that.

There's just no formula for beating this team. None. Your best bet is to a) hit them as hard as you can and HOPE that they, against their track record, don't feel like hitting back, and b) pray to Jesus Christ himself that Thomas doesn't have "it" tonight. You require goddamn divine intervention to beat the Bruins on paper. I've never been as happy with the Bruins' depth chart as I am now.

The only player bad enough to sink this team is Manny Fernandez, a goalie who figures to not play one minute between the pipes from here on out. If he does, it means Thomas is hurt, the playoff run is over anyway, and Fernandez's performance doesn't much matter anyway. Maybe Shane Hnidy is a true weak link, but he's the team's 8th defenseman now! Of course he's a weak link. But seriously, look at how far you have to go before there's a true weak spot. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

On top of all that, they've got a pretty nice draw as far as playoff opponents go. At reasonably full strength, the B's have only had a worrisome amount of trouble against Washington and San Jose, neither of whom will turn up until a couple rounds in. I'm not gonna say it will be a cakewalk, not when Philly is lurking, but they've set themselves up nicely for a long run.

I wouldn't be totally stunned to see them lose earlier, but I don't see it. Doesn't make sense. This is the year.

On to the predictions:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

(1) BOSTON VS. (8) MONTREAL

Last Thursday's old-time hockey exhibition was a good indicator of the sort of bush league nonsense we can expect Bob Gainey to pull over the next week and a half. But that kind of crap can distract the Habs as much as the Bruins, as their loss indicates. And although the B's went without a win against the Habs last year, and still managed to take the Habs to a seventh game, the Bruins were a disciplined, bring-the-game-to-us type of team even at their worst. Montreal is just a bunch of wandering, underachieving boobs. They're about to be thoroughly outclassed.

Prediction: Bruins in 5

(2) WASHINGTON VS. (7) NEW YORK

While I think the Rangers are a solid team, and have the potential to ride Henrik Lundquist as deep as they please, Washington is just too good at every position. Jose Theodore is merely a Flyers-caliber goaltender, but he doesn't have to be much more than that with the team in front of him. He only has to be Chris Osgood good, not Roberto Luongo good. I don't see this being much of a series, no matter what Sean Avery does.

Prediction: Caps in 5

(3) NEW JERSEY VS. (6) CAROLINA

While it's widely known that Carolina stinks on ice, that knowledge is nowhere near as wide as Martin Brodeur's ass. The Devs are struggling; the magic is over. Carolina, meanwhile, is hotter than anyone, and just as well-built as the Devils. They're a little too trendy a pick, but it's for a good reason.

Prediction: Canes in 6

(4) PITTSBURGH VS. (5) PHILADELPHIA

I really, REALLY hate to say this, but I don't see the Flyers NOT getting into the Pens' heads this year. Marc-Andre Fleury has been a mess, the defense is a sieve at best, and Sidney Crosby is like fresh fish to the scummy likes of Scott Hartnell and Mike Richards. Regardless of Philly's preposterously persistent porosity problems in the pipes, I don't see Crosby + Malkin + Nobody Else putting a dent into them. I definitely don't see Pittsburgh taking a Game 7 from them.

Prediction: Flyers in 7

WESTERN CONFERENCE

(1) SAN JOSE VS. (8) ANAHEIM

I don't get why everyone's in love with Anaheim. Jonas Hiller is going to shut down the best team in hockey, is he? Just because the Ducks have pedigree? Give me a break.

Prediction: Sharks in 4

(2) DETROIT VS. (7) COLUMBUS

Columbus is the most annoying team in hockey. They have Rick Nash, and that is literally it as far as actual scoring talent goes. What, I'm supposed to be enthralled by the offensive exploits of R.J. Umberger?!? Give me a break. All they're good enough to do is delay the inevitable for no good reason.

Prediction: Wings in 6

(3) VANCOUVER VS. (6) ST. LOUIS

The Blues are the biggest story of the NHL season. From perennial playoff team to perennial doormat and, in the absence of their best players (Paul Kariya, Erik Johnson), have made the biggest leap of anyone. Not only did they sneak into the playoffs, but they have an eminently beatable Vancouver team as their opponent! I have literally no idea how Chris Mason and the Blues did this. And despite my pro-Vancouver sympathies, I can't help but root for St. Louis to take down the weakest of the six division winners.

Prediction: Blues in 7

(4) CHICAGO VS. (5) CALGARY

I can't think of one good reason to root for a team that blew a 13-point division lead over the phoenix-like rebirth of the Chicago Blackhawks. A fun team to watch and a fun team to root for.

Prediction: Hawks in 5

SUBSEQUENT ROUNDS

EAST
BOSTON over Carolina
Because the Canes never put up much of a fight against the B's this year.

PHILLY over Washington
Because it wouldn't be the Flyers if they didn't piss you off.

BOSTON over Philly
Because by now, Biron will be tenderized and ready to eat. And because fuck the Flyers.

WEST
SAN JOSE over St. Louis
Because the dream has to end eventually.

DETROIT over Chicago
Because the Hawks aren't quite THAT good.

DETROIT over San Jose
Because the Sharks always do this eventually.

FINALS
BOSTON over Detroit

They've shown they can beat Detroit, and by a lot, too. If it were the Sharks, I don't think I'd have the same amount of faith in a Bruins victory. But a matchup with Detroit, a team craftier than it is talented, strikes me as a lot more favorable towards the Bruins.

Bruins In Playoffs, Look For Real, Have BEST COMMERCIALS EVER

When I post about the Bruins, there's usually some kind of apology attached. Not now. After living an entire lifetime ashamed of my cheap, uncaring hockey team, this is the first time I've ever been proud to be a fan of the Boston Bruins. This, this moment right now, is the greatest moment in the franchise since the '72 Cup finals.

No, not the B's having the top seed in the East... I'm talking about these commercials.







I award this series of ads 5 Ranger fan shoes out of 5.

Bruins Pwn Trade Deadline

With the trade deadline come and gone, it looks like the Bruins got precisely what they needed. They didn't get Chris Pronger or Jay Bouwmeester or Tomas Kaberle, but neither did anyone else. They did, however, make two minor acquisitions that will help the team without subtracting anything:

* Redundant defenseman Steve Montador was acquired in exchange for extremely redundant grit forward Petteri Nokelainen. Noke is a good three-zone player, but added nothing to this incarnation of the Bruins. Montador doesn't add that much either, as he's equivalent to the kind of Andrew Ference/Shane Hnidy/Mark Stuart defender that the B's are already flush with. But considering that nobody in that Kaberle/Bouwmeester/Pronger troika was moved, it's a nice depth move that at the very least increases the nastiness factor back there. I can also imagine Montador punching a Flyer kidney or three, which is a plus.

* 68-year-old winger Mark Recchi arrives, along with a 2nd rounder, for unimpressive rookies Matt Lashoff and Martins Karsums. This, friends, is theft even without the assuredly high 2010 pick. Lashoff was Boston's 9th- or 10th-best defenseman, and has regressed since his appearances with the big club prior to 2008. Karsums could be a 3rd-liner in the right situation, but he's not bringing anything in particular to the table. Those two, in exchange for a rejuvenated Hall of Famer AND a pick? Given the cost of the deadline's big prizes, this was exactly what they needed to keep the band together AND get better.

Considering that nobody east of the Mississippi made any major improvements (Antropov and Morris? ZZZZZZZZZZZZ) and that picking up one of the Three Stooges for the blue line would have cost the B's dearly, I'm very happy about adding gritship, leadeyness, and a Cup pedigree in exchange for, essentially, nothing.

The lines are looking as strong as ever:

Lucic	Savard	Kessel
Wheeler	Krejci	Ryder
Axelsson	Bergeron	Recchi
Thornton	Yelle	Kobasew

Chara	Ward
Wideman	Montador
Ference	Stuart/Hnidy

Andy Brickley's lines had Recchi on the left and Thornton on the right, enabling Kobasew to jump back up to #3 and P.J. to join Thornton and Yelle on what has to be the best 4th line in the NHL. That is probably better from an offensive perspective, but I bet Claude Julien spreads the defensive responsibilities evenly amongst the Bergeron and Yelle lines. It's not like Kobasew can't grind it out on line #4 if he's asked, and Thornton has played so well on the left that I don't see why you'd move him.

I'm sad that Matt Hunwick and Byron Bitz are on the bench and out of the mix. But I can't be that upset when the guys displacing them are quality.

Approve.

Los Habitantes Aspiran Comen Los Penes

[EDIT: Doh. No habla Espanol.]



The Bruins, after going 0-8 against Montreal in the regular season last year, have defeated their tormentors in convincing fashion.

Without Phil Kessel, Milan Lucic, Marco Sturm, or Patrice Bergeron, each of them amongst the Bruins' top scoring forwards, they beat last year's Eastern Conference points leader soundly. For the third time in a row. Tonight's 3-1 win was a perfect hockey game: tense first period, comeback from a deficit in the second period, total dominance in the third, dagger at the end. Perfect, and more thorough a beatdown than the score suggests. The Habs had one legitimate shot to tie up the game, and Tim Thomas snuffed it out.

This season is looking more and more like a cakewalk. 43 games. 68 points. An 11-point lead in the conference, which is unheard of nowadays unless you root for the Wings. Wins against quality opponents like Vancouver, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago to their credit. Except for the injuries, it's been nothing but great, great news.

With two games remaining, and a 3-0-1 record against the Habs thus far, they have clinched the season series. A year after not winning a single game against them until the playoffs. This, if anything, is what tells me that they are for real. To not just hold their own, but blast them out of the rink. I'm not entirely convinced they're a favorite, and won't be until I see them beat Alex Ovechkin and the Caps a couple times. But with each win they rack up, in the face of so many injuries, they look more and more like the real thing.

Bruins Work Up A Number Six On Rest Of NHL

The Boston Bruins are 16-4-4 through 24 games, tied for first place in the Eastern Conference (with three games in hand on their competition) and second-best in all of hockey. In those 24 games they have lost by more than one goal just once. They were 11-1-1 in November, losing only one game outright out of thirteen. They are 9-1-1 at home, winning their last nine in a row outright.

Their depth chart has gone from "thin" to "overflowing" in a matter of months. Nine forwards are on a pace to score 20 goals, despite disappointing seasons from Michael Ryder, their main free-agent acquisition from the summer, the usually reliable Marco Sturm, who caught fire only after 10-12 games, and Patrice Bergeron, their best forward prior to his head injury last year. (Bergeron has as many even-strength points this season, eight, as fourth-line grinder Stephane Yelle.) The team has barely missed them.



With the veterans struggling to find their scoring touch, the youngsters have taken control of the offense. Rookie winger Blake Wheeler is 2nd on the team in goals, but justifies his ice time by doing more little things than a college kid should know to do. David Krejci and Phil Kessel in particular have made enormous strides this season. The formerly nifty Krejci has become a formidable scorer on rebounds, and is damn near invincible while carrying the puck. Kessel's one-on-one moves are the best on the team, and his wrist shot is as good as there is in the league. And Lucic, despite concentrating on his physical game, is knocking home rebounds and making good on the Cam Neely comparisons. Overnight this team has become immensely talented offensively, far more so than they are credited with due to their defense-first reputation.



As for the defense, with rookie Matt Hunwick's emergence they now have seven reliable blueliners. Andrew Ference was having the season of his life before his injury, eradicating the unreliable, just-barely-good-enough defensive play doubts we'd come to expect from him. Zdeno Chara, Dennis Wideman and Aaron Ward have played their usual bulletproof defense. Mark Stuart, despite being assigned to the third defensive pair, has established himself as a top-four defender. Shane Hnidy is far from the weak link he should be. They could probably use someone good enough to send Hnidy to the bench and Hunwick back to Providence (say, pending UFA Jay Bouwmeester?) but if that doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world.

That's due in large part to their goalies, Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez, who have proven to be damn near unbeatable. The pair has a combined 2.04 GAA and .933 save percentage, each of them sharing in the excessive win totals. Thomas alone has stopped an ungodly 94% of the shots he's faced. Fernandez' frequent play of late could be a prelude to a trade and a Tuukka Rask call-up... but that is probably just wishful thinking, as Fernandez' $4M salary makes him untradeable. Still, you never know. The main thing here is that Thomas has totally won me over as a valid starting goaltender. After three years of the same nutty stats, three years of expecting yet another overachieving Bruin goaltender to fail like they always do, I am a believer. He has had the best season of any Eastern Conference goalie, and he deserves to start the All-Star Game, never mind just taking part.



Claude Julien has certainly put to rest the ridiculous rumors about his departure from New Jersey, has he not? Certain elements of this team's performance (players never taking risks beyond their abilities, the constant churn of new players who fit in without missing a beat, the ridiculously low stats of both goaltenders) make you wonder what Lou Lamoriello could possibly have been thinking when he let Julien go in the middle of a 100-point season. The rap was that Julien wouldn't lead the Devils to playoff wins, but taking Montreal to a seventh game up here, despite significant injuries to Chara and others, sure looks like success to me, especially after the Habs absolutely owned them (8-0-0) during the regular season. The more the Bruins win, the more indefensible Julien's firing appears.

And it goes without saying that this is the first Bruins team since the Bourque/Neely/Oates era that was built to last. Peter Chiarelli has actually fixed this team. For real. No smoke and mirrors, no phony baloney. He pursued talent and keeps it happy. He instilled an organizational theme that the coaches and players have executed. He has re-instilled a sense of pride and dignity to an organization known for its lack of same.

Sidebar
The differences between professional, level-headed Chiarelli and raging prick cocksucker asshole Harry Sinden could not be more dramatic, and could not favor Chiarelli any more strongly. Ahhh, if only the internet had been around during Sinden's heyday. Many an outraged blog post would have been written at his deserving expense. Imagine how pissed he'd have been if he were trying to make his usual trade of a Hall of Famer away for being insolent, when here I come with a hilarious Photoshop of Harry and the player he just traded for:



Or is that his 1997 family reunion? I just don't know.
End sidebar.

Speaking of Herpes Harry, the only level of management that isn't getting a handie from me is ownership. If the Jacobses put all of the above pieces in place, then their success happened entirely by accident. Because we all know it didn't have anything at all to do with the clowns who ruined Boston hockey in the first place. This wonderful revival is happening, like the Indians in Major League, fully in spite of ownership. Let me put it this way: if the Jacobs family funds a cure for cancer, and pays to elevate the entire population of Darfur province to the American middle class, then maybe I'll think about reconsidering them. Maybe. Until them, I hope they get raped by a pack of S&M elephants every morning at 8:30.

While this team is likely to regress at some point for any number of reasons (the young players will slump; the goalies will start letting a few in; the blue line injuries will haunt them) they have nevertheless registered themselves as a legitimate Cup Contender. THe past two seasons of Bruins hockey had looked like the worst of the Neutral Zone Trap All-Stars. But this team is now something far more substantial. The leashes are off.

[photo credit for all B's pics]

In Which Crazy Jeff Focuses His Anger

I've decided something.

In the last six and a half years, I've accrued three Super Bowls, two World Series titles, and an NBA championship. I've had it good. And as such, I've dispensed with a lot of deep-seated hatred along the way. It's hard to get too worked up about the Lakers or the Yankees or the Colts when you know your team can take them, or has taken them recently.

The only bastion of bile remaining in my sports universe is the NHL. But my options are limited there. We all know the Bruins won't win the Stanley Cup until I'm shitting into a plastic bag (against my will, that is)... with that off the table, what is there for me to root for?

A playoff series victory? Why bother? I'll just end up pissed when they lose in the second round. Give that good feeling to a tough-luck franchise like the Panthers or the Sabres.

Regular season points champion? Seen it... always followed by a prompt playoff exit. Thanks, but no thanks.

There's really just one thing that I want to see. One thing that I know will warm my heart when I go to sleep, and motivate me to get out of bed every morning. One thing that any hockey fan smart enough to tie his own shoes can get behind:

I want every single Philadelphia Flyer to contract botulism and die.

Yes, this is my new quest... rooting for none of the Flyers to make it out of the 2008-09 season alive.

Why? Obvious:



Fuck those clowns. Fuck those cowardly fucking pussies. WE'VE SEEN THIS THREE TIMES NOW FROM PHILLY!!! With two more to come. They are the most despicable sports team to exist during my lifetime.

The real problem, of course, is that their fat, drooling, mouth-breathing fans enable this shit. Flyers fans are, by a country mile, the stupidest fans in major professional sports. And that's including Raiders fans! They've had an awful rough time of it since the 70's, so it's OK to literally attempt to murder the opposing team. Fucking retards. But I won't bother wishing botulism on the citizens of Philadelphia. Living there is punishment enough.

Okay, okay, I'll back off. Mike Knuble... you are hereby pardoned from botulism contraction! Enjoy your summer, Michael, cause you're all right by me.

Further, I will accept major paralysis of the quadriplegic variety as a substitute for death, if absolutely necessary. Maybe I don't actually wish them dead. But the botulism is a requirement. They need to have botulism, and they need to have it as soon as possible. If you want to ramp up to botulism and start small, with some kind of intestinal disease that causes The Shits, that's also okay. But eventually we need to have botulism, paralysis, and mass retirements.

And Philly fans can look on the bright side when my dreams come true: if your dirtbag ass-licking Flyers all die on you, they'll call up the Phantoms to the big leagues... and they'll be a better team! Everybody wins!

So... who's comin' with me?

(Seriously though, I wish only the most painful manners of death upon the Flyers.)

Time To Break Radio Silence

I have been protesting the Bruins, in my own inimitable and irrational way, all season long by posting barely a word on them. This despite having watched almost each and every one of their aesthetically displeasing attempts to set the NHL record for overtime losses (the OT loss being the NHL's embarrassing version of an A for effort). I've also resisted, time and again, the frequent, burning urge to defecate dedicate myself towards the noble goal of filling the internet's Bruins-blogging vacuum. I'm moved to celebrate this team, and I stifle every such movement as soon as I can.

Why is that? I'm a hockey puck. I love the Bruins. LOVE them. I should be clogging your bandwidth with unreadably brilliant hockey posts. Nothing would give me greater joy than to see the Bruins win the Stanley Cup. I'd trade all three Patriots Super Bowls for a Cup. I'd see the Celtics embarrassed in a four-game sweep by Atlanta next week, wearing the disaster like a cape, if it meant the Bruins could win it all. I mean that.

In a perfect world, I would have been at tonight's instant-classic Game 6 in person. I would have paid any price. I would have snatched the ticket out of a Habs fan's grubby Canadian fingers (in a peaceful and sterile fashion, of course) to be there. And it would have rocked my balls off, because I love hockey like nothing else.

But it's not a perfect world.

Much as I love the Bruins, I also hate them passionately. Because with every ounce of success the Bruins achieve, and every iota of joy I derive from that success, I'm forced to remember that Jeremy Jacobs is out there, somewhere, benefiting from that success. And that makes me want to puke.

Cackling, arrogant, ragingly Dickensian piece of shit Jacobs, together with his worthless, Rosemary's Baby-type demon spawn of a child, Charlie Jacobs, combine to form a Voltronian of pure evil that goes unchallenged as the very worst ownership group in professional sports. Nobody comes close.

There are many owners, like James Dolan, who beget losing out of their own ignorance and arrogance. There are many others, like Donald Sterling, who maintain a manageable and profitable level of non-talent and sub-mediocrity that persists to the point where the team's fans KNOW that success will not come. Still others, like the vile Jeffrey Loria, dismantle potential juggernauts in order to maintain an even his bottom line.

Jacobs, however, enjoys dismantling 100-point teams in order to go from Filthy Rich to Filthy Stinking Rich. His destruction is never a matter of the bottom line... always the TOP line possible. I cannot think of a single owner in sports who has cried poor, in the face of top-5-leaguewide profits, to the same self-immolating extent that Jacobs has. And no owner I know of, apart from the gutless, cowardly pukes who threaten relocation, has purposely and needlessly destroyed his own fan base more effectively than Jacobs... and then had the gall to wonder, in the media, why he gets no fan support. (Read the Charlie link above. Really.)

Jeremy Jacobs is a man who allowed ALL of his unrestricted free agents to leave town for nothing prior to the 2004 lockout. He did so in order to make sure he wouldn't be on the hook for anyone's paychecks upon re-entry. Of course, the league negotiated a 25% pay cut across the board for all talent under contract, so Jacobs tore the team apart for absolutely no reason. The team still hasn't recovered from this landmark act of fiscal lunacy.

This is a man who allowed perennial Selke contender Dave Poulin, the biggest penalty-kill scoring threat in hockey at the time, to skip town and sign a multi-year deal with Washington... because they offered another $100K or so extra over the course of the deal. He took the offer back to Boston (ahem, ONE OF THE MOST PROFITABLE TEAMS IN HOCKEY) who refused to pay it. This is how the Bruins have conducted business since Buffalo native Jacobs bought the team.

This is a man who took Ray Bourque to arbitration. RAYMOND FUCKING BOURQUE!!! Jacobs instructed the vile, subhuman Harry Sinden to enumerate the ways in which the Bruins' best player, the #2 defenseman in NHL history, and the classiest human being to don the spoked B in my lifetime, was in fact lousy and overpaid. This despite running, again, ONE OF THE MOST PROFITABLE OPERATIONS IN THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE. Couldn't spare a couple bucks for the best defenseman who ever lived not named Bobby Orr. Un. Fucking. Real.

Jacobs has loosened his notoriously-tight purse-strings (and believe me, that's a man with a fucking purse) in recent years, now that a salary cap is in place. He now spends up to the limit. He apparently thinks that's enough to make up for everything. In reality, his is a life sentence without parole. I'll never, ever forgive him for hanging all those Bourque/Neely/Oates juggernauts out to dry, denying them the kind of talent boost that a Cup contender requires. He may have wanted a Cup, but only if he could get it on the cheap.

In my unbiased (ha!) opinion, he is the worst thing about the National Hockey League. Worse than Versus. Worse than the Flyers. Worse than Sean Avery. Worse than points for overtime losses. Jacobs' magnificently thorough cock-suckery has turned the 500-mile radius surrounding Delaware North's corporate headquarters into a vacuum worthy of the Brookhaven National Laboratory. The guy just sucks.

And because Boston fans all grew up with built-in bullshit detectors (say what you I will, but we Massholes know when someone's shitting us), most of us know the score with Jacobs, and have scurried into hiding. See how the Garden is half full of Habs fans in the playoffs? It hasn't got a goddamn thing to do with fan apathy, or the success of the Sox and Pats and Celts. Nothing. Ticket demand being what it is around here, there's more than enough room in this town for four contenders. This city cares. We care so much, in fact, that we refuse to support the team until Jeremy Jacobs sells it.

Our absence, at great personal agony, is the only action remaining for those of us who give a damn about winning a Cup. We simply will not support the Jacobs family during its reign of terror. And rightly not.

That's why I refuse to so much as set foot in the Garden as long as Jeremy Jacobs and the Jacobs family own the Boston Bruins. Swear to God, I wouldn't accept a free ticket. And I sure as shit wouldn't blog about them for free and give them the publicity their players and front office deserve. I'd sooner eat my own penis than give a single, solitary cent to the Boston Bruins.

So... why am I talking about the Bruins?

Because tonight's Game 6 was the best, biggest, and most entertaining hockey game this city has seen since Raymond Bourque sported the spokes. And the fact that it has moved me to break my silence, in spite of all the negatives I've just discussed, should be evidence enough of what a fantastic game it was.

The third period began 2-1 Canadiens, and within 17 minutes it was 5-4 Bruins. Playoff hockey just does not come in that variety (though my buddy Ovie may beg to differ). And as a result, for the first time in the 84-year history of the Bruins and the Canadiens, the B's have stormed back from a 3-1 series deficit to force a Game 7. And for the first time in 2007-08, a season in which they'd lost all eight regular season games to Montreal, the Bruins look like the better team. That alone is worth celebrating.

Now, I'm not sold. This is a bad, bad team. They have no reliable scorers, and their goalie is a 21st-century version of Arturs Irbe. Their brand of hockey is so boring that a Boston victory, a 1-8 upset, is actually a bad thing for the NHL playoffs. And most importantly, every playoff game they host just means more money for the Jacobs family. An upset of this proportion will not undo the past 30 years of active destruction.

But it'd be pretty sweet. And if there's one thing I learned from refusing to watch games 4 and 5 of the 2004 ALCS, it's that I shouldn't let the threat of pain deprive me of the good stuff. This right here, a Game 7 against your mortal enemy, is the good stuff.

Canadiens fold under the pressure. Bruins in 7.

Massholes On Parade: Bruins Edition

This is fast becoming the lone reason for the blog's existence...



Anyway, on the heels of Alex's reporting coup comes this:

Witnesses say that both suspects punched and kicked the victim. In short time, officers located the suspect wearing the #41 Jason Allison Bruins' jersey and the suspect wearing the blue running jacket.

Who knew? There actually ARE some Bruins fans left besides me. Not that you could tell by the Garden attendance the last couple games.

Of course, the real problem isn't the beatdown. The crime against humanity here is that these two twatwaffles gave money to Jeremy Jacobs. How are we going to get that vicious, villainous, irredeemably inhuman son of a cunt to sell our hockey team if we keep him in business? Shame on them for not knowing better. Next time, if you're gonna bother with jail, do us all a favor and beat up a Jacobs.

The State Of Boston

Things are good!

Red Sox
They signed up their only two potential offseason losses, and did so cheaply. It's a testament to the Red Sox organization that a couple of smart guys like Curt Schilling and Mike Lowell, both of whom had enormous market value, took less to stay. After watching the Dan Duquette era, this is maybe the best part of the revival: that Boston actually is a city where ballplayers will sign for less, and that the previous statement isn't just something the fans tell themselves to justify their cruel treatment of the local losers. Anyway, it's positive news w/o any qualification on it.

I'm still curious what they intend to do with Coco Crisp, and whether they intend to toss their hat into the Johan Santana derby. Theo Epstein is usually active at the winter meetings, so I'd expect one of those two things to become a major hot stove story.

Patriots
They had their C-game last night (especially on defense... wowee!) and still won pretty effortlessly. I found that quite comforting, actually. They popped out a turd and won anyway. Good on them.

More urgent/important is the purported "discovery" by Andy Reid that the team's weakness is its secondary and short coverage by the linebackers. DUH! Once you get past Asante Samuel, it's a hell-hole in there. Even Rodney Harrison has been awfully silent. If there's no pass rush, then of course they will be exposed. While the whole "blueprint" meme is pretty on-target... the notion that Andy Reid "discovered" this strategy is just stupid. Yes, the way to beat the Patriots is to stop their four unstoppable defensive linemen (including the soon-to-be-very-rich-elsewhere Jarvis Green) and not throw towards Samuel. Also, I just discovered that the "blueprint" for preventing typos is to use a spell-checker before hitting Send. COMPLIMENT ME JOHN MADDEN FOR BEING SMART AND FAT

The other troubling thing was to see Randy Moss shut down so effectively. Wes Welker stepped up, but seeing Moss get shut down in the cold brings a lot of late-season Vikings collapses to mind. Something to stow away for later.

Celtics
They are playing like garbage. Really. Paul Pierce in particular is leaning back on his old tricks... take the ball, ram it past double-team, hope they don't strip me. Low-percentage shots. What made me fall back in love with the team was their ball movement, not Pierce's scoring aggregates. When the C's go on their scoring runs, it's because they're finding open shooters; when they drop behind, it's because they get lazy with their shot selection. Between Ray, KG and PP, they WILL move the ball if they choose to. It's that simple.

Anyway, the other message is that America had better not sleep on Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins, because they're both making the most of their newfound job security. This season is shaping up to be Rondo's coming-out party; he makes plays, and he's hitting open 18-footers with the greatest of ease. Perkins has brick fingers on offense, but his always-tight defense is all that will really matter.

In conclusion, last Saturday's fuck-you buzzer-beater was absolutely beautiful, for so many reasons. The bush-league Bobcats talked shit all through the timeout leading up to the inbounds pass. I sat there, watching Jeff MacInnis shoot his mouth off to fucking Kevin Garnett, and thought "they're gonna steal the ball, and they're gonna win." And sure enough, Eddie House stole the ball, and forgotten man Ray Allen sent the Bobcats to bed. What a moment.



Bruins
Amazingly, even the Bruins are growing on me. They aren't going anywhere, but I have to tip my cap to favorite whipping-boys Tim Thomas and Dennis Wideman.

Thomas is a hockey verison of David Eckstein; too short, nobody wanted him, what a competitor, blah blah blah. So I hate him, and I truly detest when his fans give him credit for winning and look the other way when his mediocrity returns to the surface. But this year, Thomas actually is the reason they're winning. He has to save 30-35 shots a night for the team to win (because their blue line situation is so atrocious)... and he's actually doing it. So I give credit. It may not last, but I'll take it while we have it.

Wideman, meanwhile, is already visibly better than he was in October. He's starting to mix net-positive plays in with his trademark bonehead turnovers. More credit given there for starting to get his act together. Still not seeing much value (he's not even remotely physical as a defender) but any improvement is welcome.

The last thing I want to say is: Marc Savard. Can you Bruin bastards PLEASE play up to this guy's level? Or at least hit the empty nets Savard gives you twice a night? This guy's got worth-the-price-of-admission passing skills, and they're lost on offensive doofuses like P.J. Axelsson and Old Man Murray. Pearls before swine.

Revolution
Sorry, boys... I'm pretty much done with you. The "choker" business may be overblown, but that collapse was just awful. And you could see it coming. It really was a choke. Ugh.

Pounding The Glass

Three cheers for Bruins rookie Tuukka Rask, who got his first NHL win in net tonight in Toronto, against the team that drafted him. He played extremely well, making several key saves and only being beaten on freak bounces.

Rask was bailed out by three very nifty plays by the B's to regain control of the game. Marc Savard's feed to P.J. Axelsson on the game-tying marker was particularly sweet. Rask owes Savard and Chuck Kobasew their dinners tonight.

Also notable is that the Leafs didn't have the sprouts to start the goalie Rask was traded for, the struggling Andrew Raycroft, in their own net. I remember blasting the trade at the time, but only inasmuch as Rask was too far off to help the main club. But if Rask is close enough to spot-start behind Tim Thomas and the disappointing/injured Manny Fernandez, that only bodes well for the Bruins becoming a real team sometime in the next 12-18 months! Yay!

The First Of Many Counter-Intuitive Blog Posts

Hockey time!

Prior to Eagles/Hokies and Red Sox/Rockies, I treated myself to a couple periods of Bruins/Blackhawks, featuring the leading candidates for the Calder trophy, Chicago's Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane. I was actually very excited to see Toews and Kane, especially after watching Toews' jaw-dropping goal the other night:



HOLY SHIT. Goal of the year. No more entries accepted, thanks for playing. I hope you can understand why I'd consider Toews' arrival to be appointment TV.

Unsurprisingly, he scored Chicago's lone goal tonight, popping a nonchalant snapshot past Tim Thomas on the power play. I'd say he generally held up his end of the bargain. Kane looked impressive too, though he didn't make as much of an impression, and is thus far having the statistically superior season. The Wirtz is dead, long live the Blackhawks!

I'll tell you who didn't look impressive: David Koci. He wanted to take a bite out of Shawn Thornton... but ended up with a mouthful of Zdeno Chara. RUH-ROH!



I saw that live, in stunning high-definition. If it looked gruesome on YouTube, imagine how nasty it looked when you could see the details... when you could see the point at which Koci's nose became re-broken. Bleech.

Then again, that's what he gets for having a RACIST MASCOT!!!

You know, for a guy who doesn't fight, Chara sure knows how to connect. He connected with Koci's chops or his nose pretty much every swing he took. Nice to see the 6'9" stud finally getting physical.

Aaaanyway, Bruins win 3-1, earning #2 on tonight's What You Missed While Watching An Awesome Baseball Game Countdown. More to come...

[h/t on the beatdown vid to Mirtle]

NHL Free Agency And Bruins Suckbaggery: Two Stories Jesse's NOT All Over

Major, major changes afoot in the NHL. Free-agency news typically pours in here and here as it happens. Let's get things started by recapping the recent flurry of activity with a round of "one of these things is not like the other things"...

* Buffalo's dynamic duo of Daniel Briere and Chris Drury signed with the Flyers and Rangers, respectively.

* The Rangers also yoinked Scott Gomez away from the Devils.

* Ryan Smyth ended hopes of a return to Edmonton by signing with Colorado.

* Michael Nylander, displaced by the ultra-active Rangers, is returning to Washington. (Great signing.)

* Brian Rafalski got a five-year deal in Detroit. Hmmm.

* Mathieu Schneider joined the Ducks, giving them four front-line defensemen should Scott Niedermayer decide not to retire after all.

* Paul Kariya signed with... St. Louis?!? Them? Guess he doesn't really need a Cup after all.

* Robert Lang's headed to Chicago, though he's kinda washed up. Which explains Chicago's interest.

* The Bruins, not to be outdone, signed... occasional fourth-liner Shawn Thornton to a multi-year deal! Break out the champagne! That'll show 'em!

Man, those Bruins are always one step ahead of the league. They see everyone else in hockey addressing their first and second lines, so the Bruins' response, naturally, is to pounce on all that unsigned fourth-line talent. Isaac Newton never got the chance to run an NHL franchise, but if he had, he'd have done it just like this.

OK, so that's kind of a cheap shot. Thornton is better than his limited ice time in Anaheim indicates, making this a pretty shrewd deal. Peter Chiarelli knows the trenches pretty well, having nabbed some nice players who'd been overlooked (Brandon Bochenski comes to mind) for next to nothing. There's something to be said for that.

I should also give Chiarelli credit for acquiring Manny Fernandez from Minnesota, who had wildly overpaid him. (Ha.) I think I'm OK with this deal. The Bruins' goalie situation is finally in order; they are certainly better off with Fernandez as the starter and Tim Thomas as the capable backup. They may have given up hot prospect Petr Kalus, which I'm not thrilled about, but they really needed a better goalie. And they can't just sit around and wait for Tuukka Rask. [Note: Tuukka Rask is a goalie, not the Finnish word for Christmas.] So I can't say the Bruins are standing around, twiddling their thumbs.

However, the B's missed their chance to improve themselves. They need a top-six forward and a defenseman just to make the playoffs, and more if they want to be serious. But after 24 hours, basically all the guys who fit that description are off the market. The only top-drawer players left that I can see (correct me if I'm wrong) are old farts like Brendan Shanahan and Bill Guerin. At the very least, they needed to target some mid-level guys like Jason Blake or Cory Sarich, and even they're gone. There are very, very few acquisitions left to make that will impact the franchise as opposed to the roster, if that makes sense.

Not that they should turn down the likes of Shanahan if he's interested. Someone needs to score goals, and I'm not seeing any reliable sources on the roster. Patrice Bergeron never really exploded since being handed the reins. Glen Murray's never been the same since Joe Thornton left. Marco Sturm and Marc Savard definitely aren't going to do it. Phil Kessel's still too young to expect greatness, though he looks like a sure thing to score 20-25 if given proper ice time. But those are all question marks. There's nobody on the roster you can depend on.

Until they bring in someone who can score, get used to prolonged team slumps, P.J. Axelsson on the power play, and vacations in early April. In other words, there's way more work to be done, and I'll be damned if I know how to pull it off.