Postgame Spread
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Thursday, October 09, 2008

In Which Crazy Jeff Focuses His Anger    

I've decided something.

In the last six and a half years, I've accrued three Super Bowls, two World Series titles, and an NBA championship. I've had it good. And as such, I've dispensed with a lot of deep-seated hatred along the way. It's hard to get too worked up about the Lakers or the Yankees or the Colts when you know your team can take them, or has taken them recently.

The only bastion of bile remaining in my sports universe is the NHL. But my options are limited there. We all know the Bruins won't win the Stanley Cup until I'm shitting into a plastic bag (against my will, that is)... with that off the table, what is there for me to root for?

A playoff series victory? Why bother? I'll just end up pissed when they lose in the second round. Give that good feeling to a tough-luck franchise like the Panthers or the Sabres.

Regular season points champion? Seen it... always followed by a prompt playoff exit. Thanks, but no thanks.

There's really just one thing that I want to see. One thing that I know will warm my heart when I go to sleep, and motivate me to get out of bed every morning. One thing that any hockey fan smart enough to tie his own shoes can get behind:

I want every single Philadelphia Flyer to contract botulism and die.

Yes, this is my new quest... rooting for none of the Flyers to make it out of the 2008-09 season alive.

Why? Obvious:

Fuck those clowns. Fuck those cowardly fucking pussies. WE'VE SEEN THIS THREE TIMES NOW FROM PHILLY!!! With two more to come. They are the most despicable sports team to exist during my lifetime.

The real problem, of course, is that their fat, drooling, mouth-breathing fans enable this shit. Flyers fans are, by a country mile, the stupidest fans in major professional sports. And that's including Raiders fans! They've had an awful rough time of it since the 70's, so it's OK to literally attempt to murder the opposing team. Fucking retards. But I won't bother wishing botulism on the citizens of Philadelphia. Living there is punishment enough.

Okay, okay, I'll back off. Mike Knuble... you are hereby pardoned from botulism contraction! Enjoy your summer, Michael, cause you're all right by me.

Further, I will accept major paralysis of the quadriplegic variety as a substitute for death, if absolutely necessary. Maybe I don't actually wish them dead. But the botulism is a requirement. They need to have botulism, and they need to have it as soon as possible. If you want to ramp up to botulism and start small, with some kind of intestinal disease that causes The Shits, that's also okay. But eventually we need to have botulism, paralysis, and mass retirements.

And Philly fans can look on the bright side when my dreams come true: if your dirtbag ass-licking Flyers all die on you, they'll call up the Phantoms to the big leagues... and they'll be a better team! Everybody wins!

So... who's comin' with me?

(Seriously though, I wish only the most painful manners of death upon the Flyers.)

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