Hockey Stuff

FIRST-ROUND ANALYSIS

* Atlanta vs. New York Rangers
A team cannot be vag-handled any more completely than the Thrashers were by the Blueshirts. Sean Avery beat them nearly single-handed. The Rangers get full marks.

* Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa
Also not close. The Penguins looked lost pretty much all series, though not for lack of effort. I love that team.

* Buffalo vs. New York Islanders
I thought the Islanders acquitted themselves fairly nicely, in a "just happy to have won that shootout" kind of way. Buffalo looked less than their best, but not so much that anyone needs to worry. What a juggernaut.

* New Jersey vs. Tampa Bay
Didn't see a second of this series. Thank you, NHL and Versus. I didn't want to see those games anyway... after all it's only THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAYOFFS YOU NHL DICKBAGS

* Anaheim vs. Minnesota
No surprises here... except I'm surprised they even played the games.

* San Jose vs. Nashville
Same here, though I did think Nashville would have a bit more in the tank. Peter Forsberg looked like a shell of his former self. Methinks it's time for that early retirement to Sweden, where he can slash and maul to his heart's content without having to score goals.

* Detroit vs. Calgary
Points to Calgary for stretching the series out. But they're a bunch of filthy thugs. The whole Jamie McLennan thing is exactly how much class that team has. Good riddance. That said, Detroit looks vulnerable to me. If a bunch of shitbags like Calgary can keep them under control, what could a real team like the Sharks or Ducks do?

* Dallas vs. Vancouver
A classic. One of those "if only both teams could win" series. More than one sudden-death OT game, both won by the Canucks. Two identical teams plus an epic goalie battle. Marty Turco went toe-to-toe with Roberto Luongo, which is pretty much a superhuman feat nowadays. So full marks to Dallas despite losing.

(Let's also point out that the Canucks whipped out their throwback blues for Game 7 last night. The only thing that could have pleased me more would have been the black and yellow skate logos, but hey, I also want a toilet made out of solid gold. The Canucks have the best throwbacks in hockey. Well played, sirs.)

SECOND-ROUND THOUGHTS

* Buffalo vs. New York Rangers
Sabres in six. It'll be way closer than the scoreboard shows, though. I could see the Rangers taking it if Jagr and Avery go absolutely out of their minds, but that's awfully unlikely. Buffalo's just so ridiculous.

* New Jersey vs. Ottawa
I could give a rat's ass. I don't much like either team. But the goalie situations are... well jeez, Marty Brodeur vs. Ray Emery? Jersey in five, max.

* Anaheim vs. Vancouver
Best second-round series. I'm praying that one of the Ducks pulls off his skate and goes after Trevor Linden. I'm gonna go with Anaheim in seven, but very, very reluctantly. Luongo has serious "I am the reason my crappy team got all the way to the Finals" potential.

* Detroit vs. San Jose
Ho-hum. Detroit in seven, Joe Thornton goes scoreless, leaving us to wonder whether the Sharks could have won had Bananaman not disappeared again.