Finally!

It's a Scoop Jackson article that I like!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/051101

I remember reading those Phil Jackson quotes when the dress code was announced, and doing a double-take.  I'm glad someone picked up on it.  I'm doubly glad the thesis is "how did this jerk get a free pass?"  The head coach at Air Force recently get in trouble for asserting that his black players could run faster than white players.  Those comments look downright complimentary compared to "change of those prison clothes, jailbird, and turn off that hippedy-hop!"  What's next from the Zen Master, a diatribe against soul food?  Shut up, you pompous racist asshole.  Garbage like that only reinforces the implicit racism of the dress code.  In fact, given the unexpected PR beating David Stern has taken for this fiasco, you'd think Der Fuhrer would have nipped this in the bud and fined the Zen Master for being a prejudiced asshole.  But no, because that assumes Der Fuhrer isn't a racist piece of shit himself.

Basically, I am advocating indefinite bans from the NBA for both Phil Jackson and David Stern, and that their reinstatement must be approved by Ron Artest.  SLAP.

Man-Crush Central

With all the Wells/Clemens discussion of late, this blog has gotten somewhat... overweight?  Not to mention cruel, in light of my visceral demands for retribution against Pavano-level bust Matt Clement.  All this negative energy is floating around.  With good reason, sure, but it gets heavy... it weighs on your aura, man...

Let's fix that.  Let's talk about love.  That's right, love.  The love between one man and another.  I'm not talking about anything sexual or erotic... just plain old man-to-man love and respect.  You know, the kind that only a cowboy could understand.  Yeah, so anyway, let's see who gets some love from me today...

1) Daniel Briere, stout fellow, scorer of overtime goals, forcer of Game 7s

There are few greater events in sports than a Game 7 in hockey.  Hockey is inherently sudden, especially in the new NHL ("hey, we call penalties now!"), so even a three-goal lead isn't safe anymore.  The entire outcome can change in the blink of an eye.  I'm already tense, and the game's not gonna happen for a couple days.

I think Buffalo wins the game.  Buffalo's two "name" guys, Briere and Chris Drury, aren't elite 50-goal-type scorers, but the 25-35 they do score will be timely.  Drury arrived in Buffalo with that reputation, but Briere has emerged to make good on his early promise.  He's poised to earn himself a lofty Hero rating for NHL 2007.

As a self-honorary Edmonton native, it doesn't hurt that my Oilers have been relaxing and getting their legs back for the past week, while the Sabres and Hurricanes have been injuring each other and wearing themselves out.  Based on the shaky goaltending in Carolina (Cam Ward has been sufficient) and the depleted defensive corps in Buffalo (Tallinder and Kalinin are out, Numminen will probably join them), the Oilers' chances have improved with each passing day.  Gotta love it. 

However, I admit I don't love that quite as much as I love...

2) Pretty much everyone on the Phoenix Suns, including the coach.  Even Nikoloz Tskiilividlishtkliviski.

Can you have a man-crush on like nine people at once?  Maybe we can reduce it to five... Mike D'Antoni, Boris Diaw, and these three guys.  Either way, I cannot say often enough how much I adore the Phoenix Suns, especially after last night's must-win drubbing.  If America hasn't already collectively retched at the sight of yet another rant about the Suns, it soon will.

The Suns are the Showtime Lakers, but tweaked to fit the international era.  That's no coincidence, considering what a huge proponent of internationalization David Stern (Der Fuhrer) has been.  In stark contrast to the excruciatingly slow and unwatchable Pistons/Knicks/Heat/Spurs thugball that has ravaged basketball over the last 10-12 years, the Suns make every single game exciting, win or lose.  No matter what happens in a Suns game, you know you'll see something cool and different.  I haven't given a rat's ass about basketball (beyond the Celtics) since the Jordan-less days in the mid-90s.  The Suns pulled me back in.

They've proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their high-octane run-and-gun style can win.  They defy conventional logic.  Any way you break the series down, Dallas should have the advantage... deeper bench, better defense, taller players.  The Mavericks should be beating the hell out of Phoenix physically.  But they're not.  I don't know why, but they're not.  If Dallas wins this series, physicality will not have been the reason.  That stuns me.  But that's the new world order in the NBA.  Herr Stern should replace the famous Jerry West logo with a logo of Boris Diaw laying the ball up while leaning away awkwardly from Erick Dampier.

Look at what Diaw and Shawn Marion have done against Dallas.  They are the only two rebounders on the Suns' roster, and have played close to the entirety of this series.  According to conventional logic, they should be worn down and physically beaten up by now, having been plastered by the likes of Dirk Nowitzki, DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier, all of whom are seven-footers.  But we're seeing the opposite... Marion and Diaw are scoring without any apparent difficulty, and are doing so by running faster and working harder than their defenders.  Diaw is averaging 25 per game, and Marion is putting in 17 and pulling down 14.5 per game.

Having endured the last 12 years of NBA playoff basketball, I'm wondering why Diaw hasn't received an elbow in the ji-aw by ni-ow.  In the NBA of 2004, Bruce Bowen would have punched Marion in the stomach (no call), ruptured a Tim Thomas Testicle with a karate chop (no call), and thrown a dead cat at Leandro Barbosa's mom during halftime (um, no call).  But not in the 2006 NBA.  It appears that Der Fuhrer's unreasonable suspensions of Ron Artest, Reggie Evans, and the Suns' Raja Bell during first-round action have set the precedent for such behavior.  Any Maverick who cheap-shots a Sun can expect to miss a game, if not two, for doing so.  Thus the Suns will continue to penetrate, and score, at will, without any fear of physical retribution.  Yes, cheating is finally disallowed.  How about that.

If the Suns actually pull this series out, will I ever be a happy fellow.  Shaq would present the ultimate mismatch, but it looks like Kurt Thomas would be in good-enough shape by then to deal with Shaq's offense, and Shaq's defense could be neutralized by Diaw or Thomas drawing him out to the perimeter with mid-range jumpers.  Although, after what we've seen so far, I'm not so sure the Suns care about mismatches anyway.  They believe they can do anything.  They'll stick to the plan and make it work.  Even if it doesn't work, it'll be fun to watch.  Just a fascinating team.

3) The Goddam American Hero Who Hit David Wells In The Leg The Other Night

Dammit!  I knew I couldn't make it all the way through without being a bastard.  At least I tried.

Horn-O-Plenty Of Thoughts

1) Oilers bandwagon coming through.  Drip drip drip, oil on you, gonna oil on you... sssss on you, sssss on you!  Make no mistake, Edmonton is on a mission.  The sooner you assimilate, the better off we'll all be after they dominate the world.  If they advance to face Carolina, I'd mark Edmonton as the favorites, just because Roloson > Ward.  I'm not so sure about Roloson > Ryan Miller though.  And I kinda like how Buffalo is assembled.  Anyway, go Oilers.

2) Who's in first place?  Ohhhhh that's right I forgot.

3) Anyone else get the sense that the Cavaliers' bench just sealed LeBron's departure via free agency?  They did everything in their power to convince him to turn down the Cavs' max extension.  Why turn down the NYC endorsement deals when this is what you've been surrounded with?  Choke-artists like Damon Jones and Drew Gooden?  I think he needed to get some idea that it wouldn't be all about LeBron in the playoffs; he didn't get it.  Cavs folks are optimistic about things after having won a playoff series, but he's spending this offseason ruminating on a Game 7 where his teammates shot something like 20%.  That's the impression he'll leave with.  He's gone.

4) After two months of pitch-by-pitch updates of Barry Bonds' at-bats on ESPN, it appears that he hit #714 during Fox's exclusive-rights window on Saturday.  I cannot confirm that ESPN didn't swing a deal to show live cut-ins anyway... but if they did fail to show that moment live, then I am a happy, happy boy.  In fact, I'd be OK with stringing this Barry soap opera out a few more weeks if it means that #715 ends up on Fox as well.

5) I've got Spurs and Suns tonight.  Clippers have a better shot at winning than the Mavs IMO.

Looks like all that "NBA Is Teh Exciting" talk was a little premature, given that the sources of excitement (LeBron, Kobe, Mavs, Clippers, Suns) are either eliminated or on the brink.  That bubble burst as soon as Simmons wrote about it.  It would be a shame if the Finals ended up Spurs/Pistons after all, but it kinda looks that way from here.  Der Fuhrer should be pissing his panties over the prospect of all his marketable upstarts (Mavs, Suns, Heat, Cavs, Clippers) coming this far, only to get stomped by the least likable, least marketable, lowest rated, and most hated teams.  The NBA needs surprises more than it needs this defense-wins-championships horseshit.

Maybe the NBA should look at what happened in the NHL this season.  Gary "Fuhrer Jr." Bettman mandated that any and every ticky-tack penalty be called, regardless of context.  For the most part, it has happened: penalties are called in OT, goals are scored, games are decided.  And the players have adjusted to it.  Why can't this happen in the NBA?  If you give the refs permission to decide games based on fouls, you will hear that whistle just as often as you should.  Absolve them of responsibility, and watch the well-oiled machines (Suns, Mavs) take control of the league.

6) Would Wizards fans ever get behind a "We're Mentally Wizarded" PR campaign?  I guess not, but a guy can dream.

The Aftermath

Sigh.

I spent the whole game excited. My behavior was about identical to my behavior during Pats-Colts in January... jumping around the house, screaming at every success, talking to the Suns through my television. Usually when I'm up late watching sports, I'm acutely aware of the time; last night, I look up and all of a sudden it's 1 AM. I was riding on the adrenaline highway, with no off-ramp in sight.

And then Manu woke up. That rotten bastard. He sure can play the backet ball. Ruined my night morning.

I gotta say, though, that my main reaction to the Spurs' comeback wasn't "that's bullshit!" Sure, given the suspensions, the result is even more bullshit than ever. But within the confines of the game, the only bullshit was the shameless favoritism towards Phoenix. For San Antonio to still come out on top was a mammoth achievement. I can concede a shred or two of respect.

But still not enough to remove the asterisk I've applied. And definitely not enough to give them credit for the win. That credit goes to one man, and one man alone: David Stern. Happy birthday, asshole.

If there's a silver lining to be found, it's that Der Fuhrer is going to get destroyed for this. Tonight's secret ingredient is... CROW!!! He has had it coming for a long, long time. It couldn't be any more deserved, couldn't happen to a more pigheaded, stubborn, condescending jerk.

Anyway, let's consider what we learned yesterday, starting with the bad news:

BAD NEWS

1) Phoenix is fucked. Good did not win out over evil. D'oh.

2) Marv Albert embarrassed himself by suggesting that not enforcing the bench rule would have been seen as bending to Amare's "marquee status." Oh please. I think it's been established pretty clearly that very few people would think that. Besides, if the NBA is so frightened of bailing out their starts, what was Duncan doing in the building last night? Oh, right, that other thing wasn't an altercation. I forgot.

3) We are at risk of suffering through the occassional "well, you can't blame the suspensions anymore, because the Suns had a chance to win" argument from the Retardosphere. The exact opposite is true. They lost by three points. They got killed on the boards. Two put-packs off of offensive rebounds wins that game. Anyone else think just ten minutes of Amare's time would have made the difference?

GOOD NEWS

1) It was an exciting game. At least America wasn't denied that.

2) To reiterate, the league got one thing right: Phoenix got ALL the calls. Every single one. As they deserve, and will continue to deserve through the balance of the series. Given last night's outcome, it's the least the NBA can do. And it's the only option left on the table if the league wants to save face.

3) In the last couple minutes, Raja Bell flopped, shamelessly, in Manu Ginobili's face. And got the call. That, my friends, was textbook poetic justice. Absolutely classic. It may not rank as highly as "Valeri Kamensky sucker-punches Ulf Samuelsson in the chops" on the Poetic Justice Scale, but I'll take it.

4) Thanks to the loss, I get to keep hating on that Nazi cocksucker! Hooray! Hit the gas, Commish!

5) If the Suns end up losing, the pressure on the NBA to "do something" about it will be off the charts. Given that what happened is basically a microcosm of everything that's wrong with the league culture right now, and that an attitude adjustment has been long overdue, maybe some good will come out of it after all. Fingers crossed...

The NBA: It's Crock-Of-Shit-Tastic!

Henry Abbott summed up my feelings better than I can.  Must-read link.  But I'll do it anyway.

Thrilled as I am that the Suns fought back against the Spurs to win Game 4, I'm even more thrilled that they fought back against the Spurs literally.  This may be a game or two late, but I'm just about done respecting San Antonio on any level.  My tolerance of Bruce Bowen has shot way past rock bottom, obviously, but the crap that Robert Horry pulled on Steve Nash is the just last nail in the coffin.  One guy called it "chickenshit," which I think is the perfect word for it.  People think they're tough or gritty or whatever, but I think they're the exact opposite: a bunch of gutless cowards.

It makes me wonder... why do we refuse to punish people for cheating on the court the same way we do when they cheat off the court?  Look at how steroid-based cheating is a goddamn federal case, while blatant, documented, VISUAL evidence of cheating is "the mark of a champion" or something.  That's some ol' bullshit.  If we're taking away Barry Bonds's records for steroid-based cheating, and taking away Final Four appearances for finance-based cheating, why do we not take away championships for just plain-old cheating?

I recognize that putting asterisks next to teams' titles for general cheating opens up a can of worms.  Very few championship teams won without gamesmanship on some level.  As a Patriots fan, I know all about the bargain with the devil.  But I'm talking about punishing the poster children.  The very worst of the very worst.  Bonds is the poster child for steroids, and has thus been made an example.  San Antonio is the poster child for cheating on defense and intentionally trying to injure players.  Why can we not make them an example?  I think there's a pretty goddamn fabulous case to be made.

Dreams aside, let's return to the real focus of my bile: Bruce Bowen.  How much more of his dirty, evil, talentless, and above all else unpunished shit does America have to endure before someone DOES something about it?

The guy is a joke.  He's not talented enough to compete, so he cheats.  He is the physical embodiment of "getting away with it."  He's O.J, he's Ray Lewis, he's Kobe Bryant, but only on the court.  Within the context of a basketball game, he represents everything that we teach our children to not be.  There should be no place for a despicable, immoral person like him in sports.

But he'll never be punished properly.  Never.  The NBA has set up a lovely Catch-22: they won't punish the perpetrators, but they will gladly punish the vigilantes.

1) The NBA refuses to suspend the perpetrators of cheating and intentionally dirty play.
If someone gets caught trying to rob a bank, or blow up an airplane, do the police let him go?  No.  That guy's in jail for a long, long time.

If Bruce Bowen gets caught trying to tear Amare Stoudemire's Achilles tendon, does the NBA let him go?  Yes.  No foul, no fine, no suspension.  I guess he didn't do anything wrong!

I mean, it's not like there's no evidence.  There's video of the play.  The intent is there.  He did it.  How can that go completely unpunished?!?

Here's what kills me...

David Stern takes pleasure in handing out arbitrary, fascist suspensions.  It's what gets him up in the morning.  Just ask Jermaine O'Neal.  Hell, ask Kobe Bryant.  And when Stern does drop the hammer, he's bulletproof.  Appeal denied!!!

So if David Stern were to kick Bowen out for the rest of the playoffs, for conduct unbecoming of an adult let alone an NBA player, there ain't a goddamn thing anyone could do about it.

Who's gonna beat the commissioner?  The Spurs?  They made Bowen what he is, so they ought to be made to feel some pain.  The players' union?  They're the Washington Generals to Der Fuhrer's Harlem Globetrotters.  They're puppets.  Bowen's agent?  Ha!  Not likely.  Stern could do this.  He could send a message.  He could put the fear of an arbitrary, crazy God in the hearts of anyone who might fit the description of a dirty player.  But he doesn't.

Why?  Because he's convinced that dirty play on the court does not adversely affect the league's image.  Bowen's transgressions are limited to the basketball court.  He's not waving a gun outside a nightclub.  He's not violating the league's dress code.  He's not talking back to referees.  So the league doesn't care.  (Way to have your priorities straight.  Trying to paralyze someone on purpose is okay, as long as you wear a suit and shut up.)

Therefore, NBA referees and league officials will allow Bowen to continue his path of destruction until a superstar like LeBron or D-Wade gets seriously, seriously hurt by this guy.  Of course, then it'll be too late.

This all seems to rule out the NBA governing itself, which leaves it up to the players themselves.  However:

2) The NBA is more likely to punish the response to a cheap shot than the cheap shot itself.
Not only has the league failed to address their own problem, but they've set up rules such that players who so much as think about addressing the problem themselves get automatic suspensions.  The NBA has set precedents for fighting so severe that the consequences are too dire to allow for proper retribution.  We're not going to do anything about it... but don't you be a vigilante, either.

For example, watch what happens today in the aftermath of the fight.  Amare Stoudemire will draw a suspension for the biggest game of his life, because he stood up and took exception to yet another cheap-shot from the Spurs.  Didn't throw a punch, didn't hurt anyone.  He just had a reaction.  How much more of this crap can they be expected to take without doing anything about it?

And why do players continue to have that reaction, despite the threat of a "leaving the bench" suspension?  Because they have ZERO trust in the refs and the league to handle things themselves.  If just and appropriate punishments were EVER handed out, maybe you'd see players stay right on the bench where they belong.  It's a snap-judgment, an instinctive thing to begin with; the lack of faith in the powers that be exacerbates it.  If your teammate gets elbowed in the chops on purpose, and your choices are "sitting back, knowing nothing will be done" and "I get suspended, but at least I fixed shit," odds are that most people take option #2.

(Somewhat off-topic, but I would like someone to tell me why one's response to cheating is a test of one's cool, but not the act of cheating itself.  Isn't it an implicit admission of inferiority if you resort to illegal play?  A sign of weakness?  If a player better than me is just owning me, and my lack of ability leaves me no choice but to resort to cheap-ass elbowing and oil-checking maneuvers, have I not also lost my cool?  Why does the collective pressure lie on the victim?  Explain THAT.)

The reason this stuff drives me so nuts is that the "new NBA" is so much better than the Rileyball era... but the league's refusal to discourage thug-ball will kill that trend before it even gets rolling.  We desperately need one of these "new/exciting" teams (Mavs, Suns, et al) to win a championship and get it done against the thug-ballers.  But the refs do not (and maybe cannot) prevent thug-ball from being so effective.  Thugs like Bowen have no fear of significant retribution.  They think they won't be punished if they can slip it past the refs.  If dirty players knew that they could dodge a foul from the ref, but not a suspension from the league, watch how quickly they'd start behaving.

If the league continues to sit on its hands, teams will revert right back to Rileyball.  Other than the Van Gundy brothers, nobody wants that.  The NBA could stop it, but they won't.  I wish they would.

Anyway, Game 5 should be a goddamn classic.  Let's hope half the players aren't suspended.

The Nightmare Is Over

No, I'm not referring to the NBA Playoffs.  I'm talking about ESPN's Mock Draftamaphone, since the end of the season implies the beginning of the draft.  Since it went online, that rat bastard of a lottery generator has caused me nothing but pain.

I'm well aware that the Celtics only have a 39% chance of getting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, as demonstrated here, but being reminded of reality on 60% of my lottery scenarios (especially the ones in which they draft #5... my absolute favorite, and a 12.3% likelihood)

It gets worse.  For a long time after its premiere, the simulator's preferred #3 overall pick was Joakim Noah.  As if it weren't horrifying enough to see the Celtics lose out every time through the lottery, I was forced to come to terms with the sentence, "with the thiird pick, the Boston Celtics select Joakim Noah."  Each time I saw Noah's name set against green, a little piece of me died inside.

Since I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment, I left it alone for a few weeks and stopped paying attention.  But a few things have happened since that renewed my interest in the lottery:

1) The Suns had an NBA title ripped from their hands.  Thanks, beautiful.

2) Due to the now-confirmed existence of Jesus, the Celtics' new #3 selection is UNC forward Brandan Wright, and not Joakim Noah.  Hooray!!!  Wright is probably the third-best college player available, and fills a position of need.  Even better, the Celtics are even taking Wright at #5.  Thank goodness.  So let's all give a heart Postgame Spread shout-out to the big J-man!

3) As I was reminded just now... the Celtics could actually land at #1.  Wow!  Could that actually happen?  Would Der Fuhrer even allow that?  I've been sitting here praying they get #2, when this whole time I could have been aiming higher.  In fact, according to the odds in that link above, I should be aiming higher, because the C's are more likely to land #1 than #2.  If those numbers are legit, my half-assed phony-baloney prayers have been misguided.

Speaking of misguided, here's an interesting thought regarding the state of the Celtics.  The confederacy of dunces the Celtics employ as executives has inspired so little confidence in me that I question their ability to win a random drawing.  In other words, if they come away with a pick in the 3-5 range, I will subconsciously chalk that loss up to them... as if they somehow affected the process as negatively as they affect every other process.  I actually believe that their general incompetence will somehow affect ping-pong balls in another room!  Astounding what the human mind can do, isn't it?

Anyway, I still have my fingers crossed.  No matter what, things will be a lot more interesting for the Celtics 48 hours from now.

David Stern's A Democrat

Who knew.  According to this, not only is David Stern the most politically-active figure in sports, but he's a staunch Democrat, having given hundreds of thousands of dollars in soft money to Democratic causes.  What an upset.  I guess I'll have to stop calling him Der Fuhrer, and start calling him Uncle Joe.

On the other hand, the two least-surprising revelations are that both A-Rod and Bucky Dent are Republicans.  A-Rod, in fact, gave $2,000 to the Bush reelection campaign in 2003.  Gee, that doesn't fit his persona at all.  I can understand simply giving to local Republicans, or having that leaning; ballplayers are millionaires, so naturally their first priority will be to protect their money and go with the tax cuts.  That said, leave it to A-Rod to give money to the biggest Republican villain since Nixon.  Keep it up, dong.

Also of note is that Troy Aikman and Dan Marino, both of whom personify the image of the dumb-as-rocks quarterback, are also Bush contributors.  If that's not further proof that George W. Bush is the official candidate of retards then I don't know what else to tell you.  Hell, I didn't even have to include Peyton Manning to make my point.

Gestapo Tactics, Part Zwei

How's this for Gestapo tactics?  I say don't stop at the off-court events.  Make NBA players wear the John Stockton short-shorts.  Plenty of people think NBA players are undereducated college dropouts; what better way to dispel that idiotic stereotype than to show the fans a little brain?

I'm actually a little surprised that Der Fuhrer is disallowing players from wearing the NBA throwbacks that have made him so much money.  Typically a league will force you to wear the apparel they're trying so hard to sell.

Oh, wait... maybe this is the official introduction of NBA Formalwear, featuring the finest Italian-made suits.  That makes perfect sense.

League Optimization: NBA

George Orwell once said that any word not critical to the expression of a thought can be edited out. The same is true of sports teams. Today I lipo-suck the fat from the NBA, leaving behind a leaner, more elegant basketball league.

There are fewer unhealthy NBA franchises than, say, NHL franchises. The league is pretty bulletproof at the moment. But that doesn't mean teams are in the right cities, and it doesn't mean they need 30 teams.

As with the earlier NHL optimization, this is primarily a work of fantasy. I'm looking at fan-support issues, not the financial realities of each team's situation. For example, I drop my boxers and shake what remains in the face of anyone who thinks that the Seattle SuperSonics should leave The 206. Regardless of the arena deal and whatnot, I'd think the NBA would prefer that they live long and prosper in Seattle. Sure, the league would be fine with the Sonics in Vegas or Oklahoma or Bismarck or whatever, but basketball done right in Seattle has a higher ceiling than that of any potential suitor.

Anyway, here are the teams I'd consider moving or folding:

• Atlanta Hawks
• Charlotte Bobcats
• Memphis Grizzlies
• Orlando Magic
• Toronto Raptors
  

Atlanta Hawks
I will parrot my cry from the NHL post: this is not a city that can support four teams. Even three teams is a stretch. There is no love affair in Atlanta sports. The Braves are a habit, like brushing one's teeth every morning, more than a passion. The Falcons are probably the team that needs to succeed the most. The Thrashers and Hawks, however... jeez. The Hawks have tons of history, with Dominique and Spud Webb and all them, which is a fair point. Then again, they have a ton of history in St. Louis. Hot dog, we have a wiener! MEET THEM IN ST. LOUIS

Charlotte Bobcats
Bill Simmons took the city of Charlotte to task recently for not supporting their shitty team. While that seems like a great reason to yoink their team away, I think the Carolinas are too basketball-obsessed to abandon like this. Given the choice between pro ball succeeding in Charlotte, Atlanta or Orlando,I'll take Charlotte every damn time. STAY

Memphis Grizzlies
Am I allowed to vote for contraction simply because Dahntay Jones plays for them? Absolutely. I do have other reasons... the franchise is in horrible shape (pending Oden's arrival), and Memphis isn't exactly crying out for a team. But mostly it's because of Dahntay. Dahn-na-na, na-na, na-na-nah, hey, YOU FOLD

Orlando Magic
Peter May didn't dub this city Hooterville back in the 90's for nothing. What is the NBA doing in this city? They make Atlanta look viable and vibrant. Look at it this way... the state of Florida is overpopulated, well above ecological sustainability. The underground aquafers are stretched beyond the point at which they can support the state's existing level of industry and residence. In that sense, it's really in Mother Earth's best interests to start Florida on the path towards environmental recovery by shitcanning the Dwight and Darko show. It's what Al Gore would do. (I suppose Gore's actual revenge against Florida would look different, but this is a good start.) FOLD

Toronto Raptors
I'm all for putting hockey teams back up there, but when your players actively dislike playing for you because of the financial situation, I think that's a bad sign for future growth. And it's a legitimate gripe, too... there's a ceiling on how successful the franchise can be, given NBA culture. Building legitimacy for Canadian basketball is already an uphill battle, and that's a big strike against it. Even the Raptors' current Atlantic Division supremacy, and the upward spiral of Chris Bosh, won't change my mind. Oklahoma City did such a bang-up job with the Hornets, I say we throw them a bone... or, should I say, a fossil? Ha ha! MOVE THEM SHITS TO THE OKC

Seattle SuperSonics
There have been rumors circling that they will move. However, those rumors exist because of arena/lease issues, and ownership issues, not fan support or team success. Again, the league is way, way better off with Seattle than without them. STAY

New World Order

Atlantic	Central	Midwest	Pacific
Boston	Cleveland	Dallas	Phoenix
New York	Detroit	San Antonio	LA Lakers
Philadelphia	Chicago	Houston	LA Clippers
NJ/Brooklyn	Milwaukee	Oklahoma City	Portland
Washington	Minnesota	Denver	Seattle
Charlotte	St. Louis	New Orleans	Sacramento
Miami	Indiana	Utah	Golden State

Summary

Not nearly as drastic as the NHL changes. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, the Atlantic and Pacific are entirely identical to their alignment prior to the Bobcats' arrival. The main switch is pulling Minnesota into the East, and moving the OKC Raptors into the Midwest, such that geographic rivalries are maintained. Doesn't it make more sense for Minnesota to go up against Milwaukee and Chicago? Or for New Orleans to compete against not only nearby Texan cities but the "other woman" that tempted their current team, Oklahoma City?

The dispersal draft would have a huge impact for the worst of the worst, but not really for the rest. There are exactly three impact players (Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol, Mike Miller), some rotation players/curiosities (Hedo Turkoglu, Jameer Nelson, Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick) and a bunch of shitty flotsam (J.J. Redick). I would think the league could hold a separate lottery for dispersal purposes, thus preventing anyone in the top 3 of the rookie draft from getting a top 3 dispersal pick.

So there you have it. Bask in the glow. (Stings a bit, doesn't it?)

Whither Canada?

The main obstacle here is Der Fuhrer, David Stern, and his insufferable promotion of NBA internationalism. He'd sooner move the Raptors to La Paz than return them to America. He is wrong. Internationalizing the teams' location is the wrong move; if it were a reasonable proposition, the European soccer leagues would have expanded themselves by now, because no sport is more international than soccer. It's no damnation of Canadian basketball to admit that NBA basketball in Toronto is dead.

Besides, the real way to develop Canadian basketball is for them to make their own league, a la the CFL. Look at how many undrafted college grads and NBA castoffs are going overseas and playing in friggin Israel and Turkey and shit. How many of them wouldn't opt for Canada if the money were about the same?

The reason this could work, and why it's such a provocative idea, is that Canada's league wouldn't be competing with the NBA: they'd be competing with the NCAA. Play in Canada until age 20, and jump to the NBA without college, just like the average European superstar would do.

I think there's a real beauty in this. Canada has no reason to give a rat's ass about abiding by either the NBA's 20-year-old age limit or the NCAA's de facto minor-league status. And they can offer a legal, reasonable alternative to college for all the kids who wouldn't take it seriously anyway. Not to mention a paycheck, over the table, that could likely match what they'd be getting under the table at college. There's really nothing the NBA could do from a legislative standpoint to prevent a Canadian pro league as a legitimate sidestep to the age limit.

Look at a basket case like O.J. Mayo. The benefits of college, and possibly college basketball as well, would be lost on him. So why make him go? Given the choice between a year of basket-weaving classes at USC, versus a season in Toronto or Montreal making bank while playing against professionals and developing NBA-style skills, what do you think Mayo would do?

Is it smart for the average high school player to do this? Probably not. But at the same time, I'd think a legitimate Canadian league could stock its roster with enough Kevin Pittsnogles to be selective when it came to high schoolers. It wouldn't necessarily be a way around school for kids who need it.

Am I missing something here?