The "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes" Remix

Every now and again, a song comes along that grabs onto the nation's consciousness and never lets go. This is true not only in modern times, with addictive songs like "Umbrella" or "Crazy," but dating back to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and even to the likes of Louis Armstrong and Benny Goodman. All it takes is one great line, and you've got America by the throat.

Nowadays, that one great line is "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes."



Shaq may have killed the high-flying Phoenix Suns, one of my favorite teams ever, but this nearly makes up for it.

That one simple line just kills me. Tell me how my ass tastes. It's got amazing staying power. Like Beetlejuice and "The Exorcist," it keeps getting funnier every single time I hear it.

Until recently, I wasn't particularly against Kobe Bryant winning another title. I wouldn't be happy for him, but I wouldn't be, like, Bruce-Bowen-wins-again angry about it. But now, with the prospect of this one song being Kobe's legacy, I will root against him for the rest of my life. When Kobe retires, I want to see Shaq's freestyle featured prominently in the SportsCenter montage.

(P.S. Compare and contrast remixes.)

NBA Finals Game 4: Bravo

The great thing is that when they were down 24, I thought to myself, "they could still do this. Not playing like this, but it could happen." And then it did. What a night.

So many heroes. Ray Allen turns in another unsung performance, culminating in embarrassment on national television for Sasha "The Machine" Vujacic. Paul Fucking Pierce shutting Kobe Bryant the fuck down. James Posey showing his pedigree. And let's not forget Eddie HOUUUUUUUUSE!

Man oh man. I'm still clapping, and the game's been over for two hours.

While y'all in the clappin' mood...



...let's do something I may never get to do again: congratulate Doc Rivers on a phenomenal coaching job.


/blog explodes
//explodes with delight, that is!

Full marks to Doc tonight. This is his masterpiece. His rotations in the 2nd half were masterful... sticking with House, giving Posey huge minutes despite the 5 fouls, keeping Sam Cassell holstered, playing Allen the whole game. And he certainly kept his team focused and even-keeled, despite the 24-point deficit.

But above all else, let's talk about Doc putting Pierce on Kobe. It may have been Pierce's idea, but it was Doc's call. And since I'm feeling pretty generous, I'll let him take credit for that.

Enjoy tonight, Doc Rivers. Enjoy the glow of your masterpiece. Because by tomorrow, I'm going to forget any of this ever happened.

Massholes On Parade Special Report: Beatdown Edition

Sigh.



Dear Los Angeles street toughs,

Beating down a Masshole is not an appropriate response to a "Beat L.A." cheer, as the cheer is not to be taken as a literal threat. Please instead resort to the correct response: pig-blaps and mushroom tattoos. Thank you.

Sincerely,

The fans of the team that pig-blapped your jump-shooting rapist last night

The Key To The Finals

Abide by this JPEG, and the Celtics will bring it home. Ignore its sage wisdom, and watch your dreams shatter before your bare feet. (h/t to BDL liveblog)

I'm cautiously optimistic about this series, if only because I think people have conveniently forgotten the Celtics' defensive superiority, as well as their successful containment of Mr. Bryant (pre-Gasol) during the regular season.

I fully expect this series to be aesthetically revolting... and a classic.

Celtics in 7.