Massholes On Parade: Miami Beatdown Edition

I know... it's a crazy thought. And I'd never question the loyalty or intelligence of my fellow Boston sports fans.

But the fans at Gillette Stadium on Sunday, fans haven't seen a loss in that stadium since November 2006, and only two losses at all (in the Conference final and the Super Bowl) in that same timespan, booed their shorthanded team at the halftime break. Yep, with an NFL-record 21-game regular season winning streak intact, they got booed off the field. Marvelous.

I've been saying (privately of course) that Cassel and the Pats will be fine, and will make the playoffs despite the Brady injury. But they are capable of losing each game that remains on their schedule. Every single one. And they will lose at least another 5 or 6 of them, just as they did on Sunday. It's what happens when you don't have Tom Brady. Get used to it.

The spoiled pricks at Gillette would do well to remember that poor efforts will happen on occasion. After last season, they are not entitled to ANYTHING. Spouting this arrogant, "we paid our hard-earned money" nonsense is not an acceptable excuse. You don't deserve shit above what anyone else does. Get over yourself.

But while handing out craps to Pats fans, let's hand out some snaps... shockingly, to Ellis Hobbs and the hero turn his mouth just made. I've absolutely hated Hobbs as a player since his arrival. He's the epitome of the guy who's all bark and no bite, who can't back up all the trash he talks. He's a shitty cornerback, though he appears to be much improved this season. But for talking trash to Pats fans, and actually using the word "spoiled" in doing so, he gets my unwavering support. Bravo. I never would have pegged him as the guy with a clue, but good for him.

Weapon X = soulja boy

Last week, Brian Dawkins looked totally washed up. Utterly unable to cover any of Dallas' receivers, and just slow slow slow.

Yesterday, Dawkins made something of a statement, as he laid out, fully horizontal, at shoulder height, from a fucking standstill. He came down and tomahawk chopped Ben Rongrastname's hand into oblivion, knocking him out of the game, and recovering the fumble to seal the win.

That play epitomized Dawkins career - he's NEVER been that great a cover guy. No, he's best when turned loose to attack the shit out of the QB, or roam free in the secondary, ready to apply his particular brand of justice to an opponent.

And so I say, Free Weapon X. Let Groo do what Groo does best, and leave actually covering people to Lito, Sheldon, and Asante.

Also: Trent Cole is a bad, bad man who is going to kill someone soon.

George Brett: The King Of Pants-Crapping

I'm just gonna let this speak for itself. NSFW by any stretch of the imagination.



[h/t]

Rambling about the Rhino

Last night, Ryan Howard put the Phillies ahead for good in a no-pitching, back and forth game v. the Braves. Facing Atlanta's closer w/ 1 on, 2 outs, in the 8th, he launched an opposite field homer.

It was his 8th homer in 12 games thus far in September. He has something like 22 RBIs in those games, and is hitting .400. As a direct result, the Phillies have made up a 3 game deficit and now sit atop the NL East.

Rhino struggles every spring, and comes to life as the weather heats up. Then he struggles again a bit when it gets REALLY hot, then mashes again as September arrives and the air cools. This is not news, and he's hardly alone among oversized sluggers in this regard.

Still, it's awesome to watch him when he's this locked in. Many are calling for MVP consideration. To them I say, STFU, you idiots. He's got 45 HR and 138 RBI, which would be convincing if he weren't OBPing about .330 and OPSing more than 200 points below the mark he set two years ago, when he won the MVP. His .873 OPS is pretty close to average for a 1B (I think), and nowhere near what you'd want to see out of an MVP 1B who sports a glove made of granite. Those counting stats are more due to his position as cleanup hitter on one of the best offesive teams in baseball (Phils are 2nd in runs scored in the NL, trailing the Cubs).

So yes, Rhino's hitting better than anyone in the world right now. Be glad for that, Philly, and be glad that yet again the city is poised to be electrified by a race October. Leave the MVP talk for fans with nothing more important to care about.

Final thought - why the hell would ANYONE pitch to Rhino in the situation above? Or really, ever?

Pat the Bat's OPS in September = .569! August = .618
Rhino in September = 1.448.

Final thought- Rhino's a classic three true outcomes player (as is Pat)... HR, K, or BB. What would the three true outcomes of drinking be?
I'll go with Sex, Vomit, Pass Out. The first is awesome, and worthy of celebration (HR), the second is horrible and worthy of scorn and derision (K), and the third is sort of neutral - you're boring, but at least you're not hurting the cause.

You're on thin ice, insulin-boy

Last night, Jay Cutler's late game performance in the red zone was laughably bad. Unless you're a Broncos fan, who's had to endure 8 or so years of watching Jake the Snake and Griese get our hopes up before slamming the door right in our faces with yet another mind-numbingly, baffling interception/fumble/sack, wrenching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Last night, Jay had me screaming at the TV louder than I have in a long, long time. Last night, Jay Cutler was let off the hook by some NBA-level shitty officiating (thank you, Captain Pythons), and an assist by Mike Shanahan, who is the dumbest/most exciting coach in the league (disclosure - I'd have made the same call - neither team could stop the other at ALL defensively at that point in the game, so why take a 50/50 chance when a two point conversion is all but automatic?).

Today, Jay Cutler remains on thin ice. Mostly for shitting the bed completely, twice, in the same 5 minute span. But also for this.

Jay, I award you four extra candy bars and no extra insulin for your effort. Taste the pain, bitch.

Continuing My Triumphant Return To Homerism

Check out those guns!

While his physique is certainly staggering, as are the stories Pat Murphy tells in the above link, neither Dustin Pedroia's glistening biceps nor Murphy's expletive-laden war stories are as staggering as the statistic reported today in the Globe's Extra Bases blog:

Here’s one of the coolest stats you’ll see this year: Dustin Pedroia has swung the bat 1,114 times this season. He has connected with 1,027 pitches and missed 87. Think about that. It’s the best percentage in the majors this season.

The stat is repeated in a Pedroia feature in the main paper. As it should be. Yikes. You'd think a stat like that would be evidence of below-average plate discipline, except that he has 45 walks... mediocre, but only 7 fewer than the Greek God of Walks himself. I'd like to see some other whiff figures, just to see who else is in competition, but regardless it's awfully impressive.

On Dan Iassogna's Heartbreaking Mental Handicap

We haven't given King Kaufman a good blow lately, so let's:

ESPN's announcing crew immediately decided that the umpire had made the correct call. They were able to determine this by leveraging their complete lack of understanding about the rule.

Oh, yes.  I don't know that I agree with Kaufman, but how can anyone not agree with Rick Sutcliffe having no idea what he's talking about?  God.  Enough of the empty sound bites.

Speaking of the game, last night was one of the worst-umpired games I've seen in a long, long time.  That was vintage shit, 1999 ALCS shit, Duke vs. Maryland in the Final Four shit.  I don't want to hear any crap about the Red Sox benefitting from calls or being favored by the powers that be after last night.  That was the most crucial game of the year and they got fucked royally and totally.

Never mind the grounder that Jacoby Ellsbury beat out, but was called out on, in the 9th inning... a bang-bang play that should have scored the winning run.  I'll forgive that.  And never mind the fan interference call.  That could have gone the Sox' way, but it was an understandable call.

The real problem is Dan Iassogna's strike zone.  I haven't been this pissed about an ump since the pre-Series days.  That clown made two or three of the worst strikes calls I've ever seen.  I haven't seen such an obviously, overtly laughable strike zone since Durwood Merrill was in rotation.  I legitimately screamed out laughing at a strike he called on Jed Lowrie in the 6th or 7th.  The pitch was a good 5-6 inches outside AND high.  #1 on my all-time list, with a bullet.

These were not borderline judgment calls.  This was, like, expressing disdain for the entire system of balls and strikes.  The entire foundation of that baseball game was rendered illegitimate by that prick.

Most telling to me, as a Masshole, was that Sox play-by-play announcer Don Orsillo, who always steers clear of umpire criticism, was laughing when obvious outside pitches were not called for strikes.  Orsillo and Remy are generally very diplomatic when it comes to calls and umpired.  Openly mocking the umpire is way out of character, particularly for Orsillo.

I have to imagine the Rays were hurt by his mental defect as well.  But when you watch Andy Sonnanstine strike out the side with three laughably bullshit third strikes in a row, it's hard to believe they were damaged to the same extent.

Iassogna gets an F-, no points, and a God U Suck for that strike zone.  Umpires NEVER screw up this horrendously nowadays, not since the union was busted up a few years back, and not since Questec was installed.  Does he not know Sandy Alderson was watching, and now has enough evidence to can his ass for incompetence?

I hope Alderson did watch that game, and I hope he sends a report to Iassogna (in braille).  I honestly believe, in this era, that he should be fired for that one performance.  It was that bad.

The Devil Rays Own My Ass; Gotta Cheer Up Somehow

After all the ridicule, but also after his recent winning streak began, some people seem ready to give Carl Pavano a break.  I'm not ready just yet.  Especially not after Chris pointed this ESPN factoid out to me:

Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano is undefeated when he pitches on 501 days of rest.

Well, when you put it that way!  Still, in the end, I'm thinking that Brian Cashman will probably regret the Pavano contract.

Bonus: compare Pavano's Yankee win total (7) for $40 million to that of Aaron Small (10) for three months at league minimum!  What fun.

Granny > LeBron

This is awesome. The crazy flips and whatnot sound cool and all, but there is no greater way to finish off a flawless victory that the Granny, the ultimate finishing move.

LeBron, your new nickname is Granny. Enjoy.

On closer inspection...

I still think instant replay is a bad idea.