Warning: Exposure to the Washington Nationals may cause boredom, death

RIP, Harry Kalas. At least you go out as a World Fucking Champion.

Phillies to Braves: UR doin it wrong

From yesterday's game, for which I foolhardily gave away my tickets.

Bottom 7th: Philadelphia
- E. O'Flaherty relieved G. Norton
- S. Victorino grounded out to third
- C. Utley singled to center
- R. Howard hit by pitch, C. Utley to second
- P. Moylan relieved E. O'Flaherty
- J. Werth walked, C. Utley to third, R. Howard to second
- R. Ibanez singled to left, C. Utley scored, R. Howard to third, J. Werth to second
- P. Feliz singled to center, R. Howard scored, J. Werth to third, R. Ibanez to second
- M. Stairs hit for C. Ruiz
- M. Stairs walked, J. Werth scored, R. Ibanez to third, P. Feliz to second
- B. Boyer relieved P. Moylan
- C. Coste hit for C. Condrey
- C. Coste walked, R. Ibanez scored, P. Feliz to third, M. Stairs to second
- J. Rollins walked, P. Feliz scored, M. Stairs to third, C. Coste to second
- J. Campillo relieved J. Campillo
- S. Victorino singled to right, M. Stairs scored, C. Coste to third, J. Rollins to second
- C. Utley walked, C. Coste scored, J. Rollins to third, S. Victorino to second
- R. Howard grounded out to first, J. Rollins scored, S. Victorino to third, C. Utley to second
- J. Werth flied out to right

8 runs, 4 hits, 0 errors
Atlanta 10, Philadelphia 11

No thanks

Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck.

"Ibanez, meanwhile, is coming off a season in which he made just $5.5 million, meaning the Phillies conceivably could sign him to a deal that doubles his salary and still have money to sign a solid righthanded bat."

Fuck.

Memo to Philly- Either sign Burrell and be done with it, or use that fucking money to get a pitcher. Lowe would be my first choice.

As the sun sets...

Welcome, Deadspin readers.

I'm off to refill my batteries. The freaks come out at night, and before tonight ends, I predict (another) riot.

And a few last ones

And the Obama chants have started!

Camera totally out of batteries, too bad cause there's some hilarious drunken costumed revelers out there still. Broad Street still totally shut down, and the radio is reporting that the players can't even get off the parade buses to get into the ballpark for the celebration, cause there are too many thousands of people mobbing the buses.

For the last two minutes, directly outside my window, a drunken fool has been standing down a slow-moving firetruck, Tienanmen Square style.

And more...

More...

Live from Broad and Spruce

Here's what's going on outside my window right now.

Emo Eagles fan post re: suspended world series

when it all comes crashing down
try to understand your meaning
no one said it would be easy
this living it ain't easy

We Can Us

Best play ever.

PS - Joe Maddon, you know you're allowed to let Price pitch, right? Like, he's sitting right there. He brought his glove and everything.

This is NOT beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever

Ok, here we go. 1 hour before game 1 starts, and I find myself joining my adopted Philly brethren as a total nervous wreck. My love for the Phillies is what it is: Confused, two-timing, and different, yet there it remains. While I don't feel the attachment to them that I have to the Yankees, the altered reality that has been Philadelphia this October has rubbed off on me. All of a sudden, Philly seems like a place where everything isn't always content with being just good enough. We don't always have to lose. I find myself dreaming about scenarios where this attitude is brought to bear on the city's real problems: corruption, filth, poverty, violence, despair.

Maybe I'm putting too much on the shoulders of athletes. But in a city where the new (in every sense of the word) Mayor is raffling off his box seats, I feel, for the first time in all my years here, a sense that anything is possible. The audacity of hope, if you will.

In lieu of any attempt at rational analysis, I'll simply say this:



(Thanks PhillyPhellas, via Daulerio)

This is my BOOMSTICK

Update (10/15): pleasepleaseplease let this happen.

This is my BOOMSTICK

Rambling about the Rhino

Last night, Ryan Howard put the Phillies ahead for good in a no-pitching, back and forth game v. the Braves. Facing Atlanta's closer w/ 1 on, 2 outs, in the 8th, he launched an opposite field homer.

It was his 8th homer in 12 games thus far in September. He has something like 22 RBIs in those games, and is hitting .400. As a direct result, the Phillies have made up a 3 game deficit and now sit atop the NL East.

Rhino struggles every spring, and comes to life as the weather heats up. Then he struggles again a bit when it gets REALLY hot, then mashes again as September arrives and the air cools. This is not news, and he's hardly alone among oversized sluggers in this regard.

Still, it's awesome to watch him when he's this locked in. Many are calling for MVP consideration. To them I say, STFU, you idiots. He's got 45 HR and 138 RBI, which would be convincing if he weren't OBPing about .330 and OPSing more than 200 points below the mark he set two years ago, when he won the MVP. His .873 OPS is pretty close to average for a 1B (I think), and nowhere near what you'd want to see out of an MVP 1B who sports a glove made of granite. Those counting stats are more due to his position as cleanup hitter on one of the best offesive teams in baseball (Phils are 2nd in runs scored in the NL, trailing the Cubs).

So yes, Rhino's hitting better than anyone in the world right now. Be glad for that, Philly, and be glad that yet again the city is poised to be electrified by a race October. Leave the MVP talk for fans with nothing more important to care about.

Final thought - why the hell would ANYONE pitch to Rhino in the situation above? Or really, ever?

Pat the Bat's OPS in September = .569! August = .618
Rhino in September = 1.448.

Final thought- Rhino's a classic three true outcomes player (as is Pat)... HR, K, or BB. What would the three true outcomes of drinking be?
I'll go with Sex, Vomit, Pass Out. The first is awesome, and worthy of celebration (HR), the second is horrible and worthy of scorn and derision (K), and the third is sort of neutral - you're boring, but at least you're not hurting the cause.

Phixing the Fillies

So.... the Phillies come off their most exciting season in a decade, and proceed to lose their all-star caliber center fielder. They guy they traded Thome for. They rationalize letting him go cause, well, their offense is already awesome, and Howard/Chutley are only getting better.

What they need is PITCHING. A 5-man rotation of King Cole and pray-for-rain, pray-for-rain, pray-for-rain, pray-for-rain really isn't a sustainable strategy.

So, with that in mind, take a look at this vomit-inducing sentence from Jayson Stark:
"Free-agent pitching options the Phillies have looked into: Akinori Otsuka, Byung-Hyun Kim, Roberto Hernandez, Kris Benson, John Parrish, Sidney Ponson and Chad Durbin."

Yikes. That's a perfect storm of garbage right there. I'm only disappointed there's no mention of Ho-Ram and Weaver.

Crazy Pills

Ok, there's no way ANY game this week can top the madness that ensued in the 9th inning of last night's Phillies/Marlins game. Craziest inning I've ever seen.

"The weirdest inning of all time" -Aaron Rowand, Phillies Center Fielder

Included in the festivities were two ejections, one injured franchise closer, and...
"the stupidest play in the history of baseball" -Greg Dobbs, Phillies 1st Baseman/waste of space
Read more here.

Seriously. I was taught in about 4th grade to always take the sure out at first. I hope that Myers' labrum is fucked, and that they rip out one of Dobbs' for the replacement. About 2 minutes later, Hanley was sliding under Barajas' "tag", a nice slide, but totally lucky. If Barajas doesn't inexplicably decide to stand up, for NO reason, all that happens is Hanley sprains his ankle and is called out.

Of course, they won the game, which is like saying Pyrrhus had a flawless victory.

Front Row: Pitcher Brett Myers; Second Row (from left): 1B Greg Dobbs, Catcher Rod Barajas, Manager Charlie Manuel; Back Rows: Tortured ghosts of Phillie fans who were actually alive last time this team won anything; Way Back Row: Ben Franklin.

Oh, and in other baseball news, guess who's undergoing Tommy John surgery?
so long, you goddamnedshiteatingdickbagcokefacedonkeylegturtleswineassgoblin.