He's BAAAAACK

REEEEEEEEEE!!!!

RRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

(8/22) Update: RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Bravo, good sir

I know we were all somewhat worried when the Dugout made the jump to AOL Fanhouse. With no more swearing, about 90% of their humor was now out of bounds.

Since the move, I've continued to read, but haven't been as thrilled by it. I guess I really like dick jokes.

Well, that changed today, when I read about the professor's love of Grand Theft Auto. This is maybe my favorite dugout of all time. I'm in tears from laughing so hard.

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boom bitch

Stupid blog... be more funny!  Things been all serious up in the hizzie lately.  We need some more jokes.

Then again, jokes are hard.  And I'm exhausted from a long day of ranting.  How's about I slap together a bunch of links to other people who are funny.  That's easy.

Top Ten Twelve Dugouts Ever
12. In which Scott Proctor attempts to date Cat Osterman, and Andy Pettite relates an anecdote from Houston
11. In which Jon Papelbon takes down Jim Thome in Tecmo Bowl
10. In which Mr. Met sends Albert Pujols into e'slump
9. IN WHICH!  PECOTA BATTLES!  WITH THE SIGNING OF!  GIL MECHE!
8. In which A-Rod dabbles in risque epithets
7. In which Manny and Roger do likewise
6. In which George Steinbrenner tempts Manny with "gandy"
5. In which Johan Santana bitches about Derek Jeter's video game cover
4. In which Dmitri Young chokes the hell out of a lady cop for the first time, and is rescued by Delmon
3. In which Lou Piniella expresses his feelings towards Bob Howry and Ryan Dempster
2. In which The Brothers Giles shower
1. In which Farnsworth makes beautiful music of his own for Osterman, after sabotaging Proctor

Top Ten Twelve Dugout Quotes Ever
12. SteakGrowsOnDmitri: what in the fuck is fruit by the foot
11. PECOTA: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK, MR. DUCKWORTH!!!!!!!
10. problem_giles_2: Oh yeah bro, that is some hilarious junks!
8a. MetLife: /wiggles fingers... shit bitch hell dammit shit hell boobies; cunttttttt
8b. MetLife: i got stitches on my face and bitches at my place, ya feel me
7. pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you must now have sex with me the kyle farnsworth way
6. WinBenSteinsBrenner: now you and the chinaman get into my van
5. HoldAndPettitte: and then Clemens rips one and sweat goes EVERYWHERE and Bagwell just COLLAPSES
4. pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well look at these morose motherfuckers right here, looks like somebody shit in their fruited loops
3. JohanSolo: I made Torii Hunter's homerun trot him holding up a sign that says "Derek Jeter is a shit bag"
2. DudeYerGettinADelmon: boom bitch
1. WordUpThome: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
(the link isn't the original... but it's way better.  Bow chicka bow bow.)

The Unfriday Unfunny

So I read this, and thought "huh, that's kind of out there, even for the Dugout.  Poor Rick Dempsey, gettin' picked on by those guys."

Then I read this, and thought, "Wow.  It's all true.  This is like the Giles Brothers thing, except really really bad."

I basically have two thoughts on the matter:

1) The joke wasn't nearly as stupid as the decision to make husband-beating jokes then.  With Mrs. Gibbons on the air.  It's all about timing, and that was not the time.  Chuck Finley sure didn't laugh.

2) Now, see that?  THAT was a good place for a domestic violence joke.  For you see I am on the Internet where you can do anything!  I am not currently BROADCASTING A FUCKING BASEBALL GAME.

OK, so it was really just one thought.  I just wanted to remind everyone to look over your shoulders, just in case Tawny Kitaen Finley is coming after you with a frying pan, calling you "Chuck" for some unknown reason.

The More You Know...

Brothers Giles Update

Earlier today I railed against baseball media.  Luckily, there's a flip side to that coin.

What could possibly be better than the original Brothers Giles nudity extravaganza, immortalized by the funniest episode of The Dugout ever, and testing the boundary where life stops and The Dugout begins?  Why, another nudity extravaganza, STUPID!!!  Yet again, life imitates The Dugout; this time they even incorporate a nonplussed, grandfatherly Greg Maddux, doing pretty much what his Fresh Prince-obsessed counterpart did in The Dugout.  It's only a matter of time before a Heathcliff-like vortex of nude Gileses blows out of the shower and into the clubhouse in real life.

It is no stretch to point out that a) this must be a concerted PR effort, and b) it is, by orders of magnitude of orders of magnitude, the funniest PR effort in the history of anything, ever.  Even Clinton Portis seems tame and boring by comparison... Dr. Don't Know don't know how to top dancing nutsacks, that's for sure.  The point is, this line of promotion (self-effacing pranks) is an absolute goldmine.  I know I'll be paying more attention to the Pads this year.

Anyway, Brian and Marcus... thank you.

OH my GODZ

So's I'm reading the Dugout, right, like always, and there is an hilarious madcap event in which the Brothers Giles get nude together and terrify Khalil Greene in the shower.  I found it highly entertaining, for the idea of two brothers who are not only batshit crazy but comfortable with their own bodies in that manner is indeed a laugh and a half.  And that's before the Heathcliff-esque climax.

Then I found out HOLY SHIT IT WAS LIKE TOTALLY COMPLETELY REAL AND THEY REALLY DO THAT TO UNSUSPECTING PADRES.

I believe this is the first known occurrence of life imitating The Dugout.  And I can't emphasize strongly enough how much I love the precedent it sets.  Here's hoping for the first confirmed real-life incident in which a woman is asked by a certain set-up man to "have sex the Kyle Farnsworth way."