Pregame Warmup

Yankees fans everywhere have one message: let's get it on.

Caaaaan you feeeeel the looooove toonight?

Thoughts From My Deathbed

If anyone's out there, and you get a partial text message from me during any game this weekend, please assume that I had a stroke and need medical attention.

Randy Johnson is a dead man.  Chien-Ming Wang... DEAD.  Mussina... DEAD.

Smart money says the best home team in baseball can take 2 of 3 from their most evenly-matched opponent at Fenway.  But smart money can't come into play when Fatty Arbuckle and Wakie Arknuckle are involved.  Mike Mussina vs. Curt Schilling to close the season, after Torre and Tito clear their bullpens for the first two games?  Have two teams both scored 20 runs in a game before?  Equally funny is that I'm relieved that we won't be seeing Aaron Small this weekend.  I'm praying that they switch gears and decide to pitch Jon Papelbon 27 innings this weekend.  If they lose the series because they pitched the rooks (Hansen, DiNardo, Papelbon, Hansen, Delcarmen, Hansen, FUCKING HANSEN) against New York, and got them some experience, I would be OK with that.  Remember, 2006 is the year the new king takes over.

Funny how this appears to be one of the greatest pennant races ever, and yet it will result in the eight worst playoff teams ever.  Can any team realistically claim they are St. Louis' equal... and after last season's disappearing act, can anyone take even St. Louis seriously?  If St. Louis doesn't do it, who will?  And it should be pointed out that there isn't a single unbeatable pitcher in the American League, which means anyone can win as long as they're in.

I mean, is anyone else outraged that Bartolo Colon is running away with the Cy Young?  Colon?!?!?  Selig must be f'in apoplectic over that one.  The only thing Bartolo Colon knows how to dominate is the buffet line.  I'd give it to one-legger Roy Halladay, just as my little way of saying "F.U. Bartolo... when you shut down a team playing over .500, we'll talk."

The Mother Of All First Pitches

If you think THAT'S a gimmick, wait until you see who's throwing out the first pitch on Friday...

The Chewbacca Defense

Ramiro Mendoza Society - Endgame

There's a new mole in the AL East.
His name is Mike Stanton.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Which potentially gives us a fantastic betting scenario:
+/- rating of Ks vs. Homers
I'll take Embree vs. Papi, and Jeff, you've got Stanton vs. Giambi.
Winner gets an AL East division champs t-shirt, regardless of which team pulls out the win.
This is non-negotiable.

God U Suck

The AL East is tied, and the wild card is tied three ways.  Naturally, the umps have chosen tonight to mail it in.

First, Bernie Williams was called out at the plate in the 7th inning, despite clearly sliding through Javy Lopez' five-hole before the tag.  Great play by Bernie... the fact that he actually trucked it home before the throw at age 52 is reason enough to give him the call.  But no.  If I were Bernie, I'd smack the ump with my classical guitar.  A few minutes later, and a few states north, Tony "The Traitor" Graffanino got gunned down, trying to stretch a single into a double, by Vernon Wells.  The magical part is that he was called out without being tagged!  Not even close.  The Traitor's back was turned towards the umpire, blocking the view that everyone else had of Toronto's 2B totally missing him.  Apparently MLB umpires have done away with the formality of actually tagging the player.

The only silver lining is that we conspiracy theorists can't blame it all on umpiring... it's been consistently and evenly atrocious.

I BEE-LIEEEEEEVE!

I believe David Ortiz will earn his MVP this week (as if he hasn't already).

I believe Aaron Small will accept his karmic retribution before the season ends.

I believe Alan Embree is a member of the Ramiro Mendoza Society, an association of baseball moles taking down enemies from the inside.

I believe the Indians are going to the playoffs, one way or another.

I believe that if the Yankees want to make the playoffs, they'd better pray to God they have a two-game lead on Friday morning, because...

I believe the Sox are taking two of three this weekend.

I believe the Sox and Yankees will play 163 regular-season games.

I believe the Sox will win the playoff game behind an Alex F. Cora 3-run HR... off of Alan Embree.

I believe Alex Lehr is gonna have a big ol' shitburger to eat next Monday.  (Shitburger?)

You are the worst wedding singer in the world, pal!

What does it take for Alan Embree to lose his job?
Four times in the past two weeks (by my totally unofficial count), he's been brought in late in games with the Yankees comfortably ahead and the results? Instant offense for the opponent, making Rivera have to come on in and save the day. I'm all for padding Mo's save stats and all, but NOT IN THE LAST WEEK OF A PLAYOFF RUN!

Egads.

I'm applying the Steve Howe rule here. No matter what the situation, the moment Embree steps on the field, bad things will happen. Bringing some guys in is like tossing gasoline on the fire... with Howe/Embree, it's like tossing a can of gasoline onto NO fire, then handing out flamethrowers to start things off.
Embree- I don't care whose cousin you are, I'm gonna find a way to have your ass!

Oh, and one other thing:


LET'S GO LEAFS!

The home stretch

so despite the best efforts of Bud Selig, it looks like a one-week battle for AL East supremacy.
Hopefully, it comes down to a head-to-head matchup. I'd rather have the Yankees AA starters and Boston's AA relievers decide this thing rather than the freaking Glorioles and the Leafs.

And speaking of Baltimore... wow. Has a team ever self-destructed this badly and so entertainingly? I mean in modern times, when theoretically the game isn't run by degenerate gamblers and failed businessmen (see: NHL). Anyhoo, the point is that, at least for me, Raffy's recent shenanigans are pretty reprehensible. Even if Tejada personally milked an Albino Rhino's nuts to procure sacred go-juice for the athletic machine that is Palmeiro, you don't rat out or blame a teammate, ever. Luckily, Lee Mazilli knows this, so sent Raffy packing. Depending on how the truth comes out, and how the media decides they want to spin it, I can now see a very real chance that Raffy's not let into the hall of fame. The current voters might be pissed at the steroid-inflation issues he represents, and given his Tejada-backstabbing, there's no chance in hell the veterans' committee is letting his ass in, no matter how far he drives that wonderful flavor savor up their collective asses.

In other news, show of hands: who else can't wait to pick up a copy of Carlito's Way: Rise to Power?

Thanks A Lot

There's only three things you can rely on in this life... death, taxes, and the Orioles mailing it in against the Yankees in a close race.  As soon as they smelled a Yankee revival, the O's wondered, "is there anything we can do to help?"  Thanks guys.  Don't even pretend like you've got any pride.  Just roll over and stay there.  Staaaay.  Of course, the sweep in NY will be the wakeup call they need, and they'll come out ready to fight this weekend... against the Sox.  Great.

As for the Sox' 5-run collapse in the eighth, I'll take this opportunity to blame Tito 100% for that.  I really need this bullpen usage thing explained to me, cause apparently I'm not smart enough to comprehend Tito's downright La Russian prowess with relievers.  I mean, maybe Tito doesn't read the papers, and hasn't yet heard that he moved Mike Timlin out of the set-up role a month ago.  All he needed last night was one ground ball or one strikeout from the batter, lefty Travis Lee, so as to keep the tying run at first base.  Isn't that Mike Myers' ONLY job?  It's not enough that Timlin is already his own setup man, now he has to be the lefty specialist too?  Hell, Timlin wasn't even the best choice for a strikeout... Craig Hansen struck out two Devil Rays on Monday, and the tying run was only on first so he would have had a couple chances.  He's a friggin closer by trade, and nobody questions this, so why the hell does he need to be coddled now?

Actually, I just remembered who I'm dealing with.  I'm now surprised that he didn't throw Jeremi Gonzalez, the baseball equivalent of a punctured oxygen tank, onto the fire.  Well, at least I know Tito will have one of his mental peers managing the Yankees next year.  I hope Sweet Lou flies Southwest, because I'm buying him a one-way ticket from Tampa to Islip.

I suddenly felt a deep disturbance in the force...

So normally I'd be checking in to talk about last night's games... RJ being a rockstar... but there's not much I can say besides he's the Unit (96 mph fastball on his 119th and final pitch). Or about Boston's Bullpen, which appears laden with heifers. No... I want to discuss something more important, at work this morning. That's right. Here it is.

Sweet Lou is taking his show on the road. Yep. Reports outta Florida have Pinella leaving the DRays during the offseason.

Thank God.

He's out of the division, and won't be around to screw with the Sox-Yanks rivalry, which in recent years has come down to "whoever doesn't totally fall asleep on the Double A Rays."

That is, unless he's getting fitted for pinstripes right now.

There have been grumblings about replacing Torre with Pinella all year... which would be a mistake of such colossal proportions I can't even begin to think about it rationally. Maybe if he managed to bring Cantu and Gomes with him, and offered to give the manager job back to Torre in spring training, and take on a somewhat lesser role as "Hungry Hungry Homer", chained to the Babe Ruth plaque in centerfield and forced to survive on a daily dose of peanut shells and 9-volt batteries, supplied generously by the Bleacher Bums.

In short, Fuck Lou Pinella.

Oh, and in reference to the standings, I'll simply quote Torre last night, "First place only counts on that last Sunday."
THAT'S why Torre is manager, and why he should remain so.

Argument Over

Maybe 3 HRs in two games against Tampa isn't grounds for ending the MVP conversation, particularly on a night when potential vote-stealer Manny Ramirez comes up with 2 HRs of his own... but barring a major collapse by the Sox (not just losing the division, but losing it spectacularly) the MVP race has to be over.  No one among Papi's primary competition (A-Scrod, Manny, Vlad) is having his best-ever season, as Papi is, nor is any of them having a better September than Papi.  Additionally, he has raised himself into Bonds Territory with his late-season power numbers... as if Ortiz wasn't already the best clutch hitter in Red Sox history, now his heroics are comparable to Barry Bonds'.  This race was up for grabs on September 1st, and Papi has grabbed harder than anyone since then.  He has separated himself from the pack... he's not simply a great player having a great season, he's making himself memorable when it matters the most.

On that subject, for all that A-Rod is the most complete hitter in baseball, isn't it interesting that the "don't pitch to THIS guy" thing has never happened to him?  It's not like he doesn't hit clutch HRs... shouldn't the most complete hitter in baseball strike fear into pitchers' hearts?  Could it be that his increased prowess while the Yankees are already winning has diluted the fear factor?  Pitchers absolutely lose their shit at the sight of David Ortiz or Barry Bonds; A-Rod is a better hitter than both of them.  But they've hit so many game-deciding HRs in the late innings that people can't even remember the other ones... A-Rod, meanwhile, is better known for his 10 RBI game (a game the Yankees won by eight) than for being a game-changer.  Maybe he'll overcome the stigma in time, but I don't think he will... it's just not his style.  But I do think the rumblings about A-Rod's ineffectiveness will reach DEFCON 2 if he doesn't take the pennant all by himself this season.  If they miss the playoffs, after the pitching they've gotten from Small Wang and Chacon, A-Rod will spend more time dodging criticism than hitting balls.

Best Idea Ever

EA Games, if you're reading... make this happen.  You know the Yankees would license it, they'll do anything for money.  Just like A-Rod's mother.  I'm SO ready for this game right now.  Since my last post, I have completely lost it.  A pennant race game was decided by a AA outfielder (Bubba) homering off of a AA pitcher?!?  Yeah, that's what September baseball is all about, you fucking morons.  In fact, I'm officially in favor of repealing September call-ups.

But back to the issue at hand.  Some of you may know that I once attempted to write something more substantial than my typical 1500-word experimental emails.  Over the summer of 2002, I actually concentrated on my writing for three months (read: until I ran out of money).  Over that period, the most constructive idea I came up with was a serial murderer mystery in which a completely sane Red Sox fan was murdering the Yankees one by one.  I never came up with a title, but I would have sold it as "Se7en meets Bang The Drum Slowly."  Anyway, I outlined the first 10 chapters or so, and even wrote the prologue... but it made John Grisham look like Marcel Proust by comparison.  So I went back to programming, and here I am.

What's my point?  Everyone in Yankee Stadium getting knocked off zombie-style is, if not a particularly humane or savory idea, an extremely commercial one.  If you can make billions of dollars off of dead hookers and L.A. gangbangs, why not apply that same concept to the Yankees?

That's Just Great

The Craig Hansen Era has begun... he's blowing away Devil Rays... and he's not eligible for the playoffs.  Sigh.  It'll be enough if he can help them get into the playoffs again, where anything can happen with this bullpen (by which I am of course referring to the absence of a 10-Run Rule in major league baseball) but once they get there, they are screwed like a Turkish hooker.  What can you reasonably expect from Jeremi Gonzalez in a playoff scenario?  I don't think there's much to be said about a staff whose most reliable pitcher only good pitchers are Wakies and rookies.  I'm not saying they can't or won't win the division, but can you really be that surprised if they blow it?  We knew when they let Pedro go that they were shooting for 2006.  They're no better right now than the Yankees, and they at least have the dynamic Small-Wang duo holding down the fort.  Even if the Sox don't win the division, it's been a nice victory lap, and they did about as well as you could hope with these shitty pitchers.  We'll see.

What I can't stop thinking about is next year.  Pending Yankee acquisitions and Red Sox defections, they will have the best rotation in the division next season.  Schilling will have recovered a little more, Jon Papelbon will be a fixture, and #1 prospect Jon Lester will join him by midseason.  The Sox may actually be forced to trade Bronson Arroyo because they have nowhere to play him... in fact, they may have to jettison Matt Clement as well, if he doesn't get his late-season shit together.  Meanwhile, Hansen has as good a shot at the closer's job as Foulke does, and Manny Delcarmen will go alongside Mike Timlin in the setup role.  The only major addition they need to make to the bullpen will be a lefty set-up guy to replace Alan Embree, and maybe a long reliever better than the likes of The Devil Rays' Rejects (John Halama, Jeremi Gonzalez).  This doesn't even factor in lefties Abe Alvarez, who has struggled in his Boston appearances thus far, and Anibal Sanchez, whose hook is apparently his best pitch... you gotta love the lefty curveball.  I can't wait.  Well, I'd wait through some playoff games and another parade and all, if it came down to that.  You know what I mean.

It's getting hot in here

Boston Red Sox
87 - 63

NY Yankees
86 - 63

All I have to say is, F football. It's late September, and long live beisbol (which been very good to me). If this comes down to the games the weekend of Oct 1st, my head may explode. I suggest a conference in DC, NY, or Philly to view the games.

And meanwhile...

LET'S GO TAMPA!!! (clapclap...clapclapclap)

True Facts

Jason Giambi found a different substance that flies beneath detection.  And by substance, I'm obviously talking about somebody's poop.

Sports Guy's "Paps" response in today's mailbag was incredible.  (Search downwards for "Papelbon.")

Barry "The Clear" Bonds ought to break the record with the Giants... just so people don't bitch about the DH rule helping him out.  If people want to bitch about him, they should concentrate on the hundreds of HRs he hit while (allegedly, though obviously) on steroids, or how he's the biggest cocksucker since Ty Cobb... not some trivial issue with the DH rule.

Three magical words: hockey training camp.

Six words that make me want to puke: Boynton and Raycroft are holding out.  Goddammit... there goes my attempt to keep things short.  MIKE O'CONNELL, YOU F#&@$D UP!!!!!!!!

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Two prominent Bruins hold out for money they're never gonna get.  Hey, who needs a #1 defenseman and a Calder Trophy goaltender?  It's not like the Bruins can do anything about it at this point... they have approximately $5 million to spend on the two of them, with room for midseason additions, and that won't work.  I guess they were too busy throwing cash at Bananaman and a diminutive speedster whose uniform should have a spoked "IR" instead of a spoked "B" to worry about signing the guys they needed... I mean, good God, how could they blow off their friggin starting goalie????????  I suppose the Bruins can point a finger at Samsonov and Bananaman for being selfish (which I suspect will happen if things go even further south) but management has to be responsible for this.

The Extra Mile

A couple quick hits on athletes who have recently given it up for the team:

Patrick (God You Suck) Ramsay is out as starter for the Washington Foreskins, to be replaced by a statue of former Jacksonville Jaguars QB Mark Brunell. Ramsay is pairing a toe injury with the bruised pride and hyperextended sense of shame he suffered in Sunday's opener vs. the NY Jints.

Weak Sauce.

Hey Gibbsy- if you wanna bench the guy (and lord knows you should), do so, don't hide behind a booboo toe. And if it really is a toe injury, I have one thing to say to you, Mr. Ramsay, besides the above parenthetical moniker, and that is that you should take a lesson from Aussie Rules Footballer Brent Blackwell. Dude's going to hack off an oft-injured finger to up his game. We should extend this strategy to other ornery appendages, such as Shaq's feet, Courtney Love's boobies, and Jake Plummer's head.

In other news, give up the props to the Frosburg State University Women's Field Hockey team, who spent last December busily putting Bluto Blutarsky to shame. In the immortal words of Paris Hilton, that's hot. Here I've spent my life dreaming of sorority girls having pillow fights and soaping each other's hooha bits, and the whole time I could have been fantasizing about field hockey players squatting in vomit. Wonderful. Thank you, Frosburg Alkies!

NHL to bail out N.O.

Sorry for the terrible pun, but here's an idea:

N'Orleans is f'ed. This is clear.

Government response to the crisis has ranged from nonexistent to laughably bad to deplorably incompetent. What this needs is a strong, capable leader, a la Rudy Giuliani. At least, that's what
CNN keeps telling me. I wouldn't know.

But what I do know is this... the greatest leader in the history of sports has some free time.

That's right. Mess. Ol' Baldy himself is hanging 'em up.

And if I had been stuck in the middle fo a hurricane-rocked hellzone where not even Thunderdome rules apply, I can think of no one I'd rather have with me than Captain Mark. He'd have lashed some corpses together, ripped off some moulding to use for oars, and declared, "We'll eat tonight," before leading us off to loot the nearest Wal-Mart.

Too bad he wasn't around to TCOB, in the words of BTO. But it's not too late. Dubya, send him down there to bitchslap those DHS lackeys into shape.

Impromptu Live Blog: NBA Players' Hurricane Relief Game

While hiding from Colts/Ravens, I just stumbled onto the NBA Players' Hurricane Relief Game airing on TNT tonight at 11. I didn't hear any publicity for it, certainly not by objectivity-whipping-boys ESPN, but I've decided to watch it instead of the Peyton Manning regular season (read: pre-choke) yardage bonanza.

11:07: It's a commercial-free hour of national treasures Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith! I'm thinking their commentary will be more interesting than the game.

11:11: Sure enough, this game is making the All-Star Game look like the Suns/Celtics triple-OT playoff game. But just as well that nobody try too hard. I predict that by the second quarter, the only effort anyone exerts will be on alley-oop attempts.

11:15: After Kenny noted that Cuttino Mobley is guaranteeing a Clipper playoff series this season, Charles quipped, "maybe if they played in the NBDL they'd make the playoffs."

11:18: Kobe Image Rehabilitation Alert! Kobe hangin' out with the kids, and they love him. In a month, we'll be seeing that McDonald's commercial where he picks up with those kids' playoff game. (A normal person might lay off with the cynicism, given the circumstances, but I have a soft spot in my heart for rapists. If he rebuilds the entire state of Louisiana with his bare hands, I'd probably give him a break... probably.

11:19: To complete my earlier thought, Sir Charles quipped, "You could get hurt playing defense, that was my theory."

11:21: After Tyronn Lue sinks another shot, Charles reiterates his claim that the Hawks are going to surprise a lot of people. This after claiming the AI-led 76ers as a "sleeper." He will later suggest that the Utah Jazz will be "interesting," but won't specify whether that's good or bad because he hasn't seen them play.

11:22: Charles: "Look at Tracy McGrady's legs. I saw a chicken the other day with those legs."

11:27: Kenny Smith is wearing my suit. He'd better have it back by the weekend.

11:30: As predicted, the two teams are a combined 0-237 on alley-oops so far.

11:31: Charles just claimed that Kwame Brown is going to experience a career renaissance in Los Angeles.

11:34: At the half, the score is... um...

11:41: I just noticed that Hurricane Artest is in the building. Good to see him not being blackballed by the league.

11:44: Charles is discussing his charitable contributions in specific, giving $250K to an Alabama charity, and buying five Atlanta-area houses to house evacuees. But I wonder whether he's doing more harm than good by harping on his need to know where is money is going. I certainly sympathize, as I'm worried about how my Red Cross check is going to be spent, but it's a funny way to encourage people to spend their money. Not everyone is rich enough to make their donations in the manner that Sir Charles has... most folks can only give to the charities they know about. Someone should be saying that contribution in any way is the most important thing right now.

11:49: Good to see the players actually embracing the fans. It'd be nice to see that kind of attitude bleed over into the regular season, but I'm not holding my breath.

11:50: This game is starting to look like an Antoine Walker shootaround... brick after brick from three-point land.

11:51: The East is down 17 points with six minutes left. Can they win this game for their conference, and shove it up the West's bony asses???

11:52: Wow, this is like a friggin reunion. First the Harlem Globetrotters return to the national scene with a third-quarter extravaganza, and now Robert Pack resurfaces! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Sherman Douglas signing. But until then, here's hoping Robert finds his missing aunt.

The problems so many people have had locating missing family members is one of the many things that makes you really appreciate modern technology. It also underscores how dangerous it is to have a national culture that's so reliant on non-organic technology. It's not so implausible to see some nationwide disaster happening that spreads this kind of bedlam across the entire country... and no, I'm not talking about the imaginary WMD threats that President Corky keeps obsessing over; he might as well be telling us that aliens are going to attack us. I'm talking about a more plausible disaster, like a gas shortage. Can you imagine what would happen to America if oil and gas just disappeared? Or if the entire nation lost electricity for a week? I sure can now. So I say that if you don't give to the Red Cross, at least give something to our alternative energy lobbies. Enough with the bleeding-heart soapbox.

11:53: Damon Jones is talking shit to T-Mac after T-Mac clanged an alley-oop dunk. You have got to be kidding me. T-Mac should have just laughed in his face. Damon Jones is like the little kid who hangs out with all the big kids, and the big kids let him hang out with them only because it's funny to watch him think he's a big kid. I'm glad Charles and Kenny made merciless fun of how he's gonna suck now that he won't have wide-open threes to knock down this season, or how he can only play well next to guys like Shaq and LeBron.

(That rant was made in support of the evacuees from New Orleans. If you liked that rant, please send whatever you can to the American Red Cross at 1-800-HELP-NOW.)

11:54: Charles is now claiming that the Utah Jazz will be interesting this season... but he can't say how, because he hasn't seen them play. Ummm...

11:55: Ho, daaaaaamn! As soon as I started complaining, the threes started dropping. T-Mac nearly nailed one from 40 feet.

11:56: Am I bad for wanting a replay? Where's the replay???

And with a Josh Smith dunk, the game ends. Nice way to end the night. I'll feel good sending out my check tomorrow morning.

NFL predictions, II

here's mine. No idea whether the playoff tracking matchups make sense or not... I don't care about that stuff, so the playoff matchups are just winging it, but still.

NE 12-4
BUF 10-6
NYJ 7-9
MIA 3-13

BALT 10-6
PITT 8-8
CINCI 9-7
CLEV 5-11

INDY 12-4
HOU 10-6
JACK 9-7
TENN 4-12

SD 11-5
DEN 9-7
KC 8-8
OAK 6-10

PHI 12-4
DAL 8-8
WAS 7-9
NYG 5-11

MIN 11-5
GB 7-9
DET 7-9
CHI 5-11

CAR 12-4
ATL 10-6
NO 4-12
TB 5-11

STL 10-6
AZ 9-7
SEA 7-9
SF 4-12

Playoffs
San Diego over Houston
Buffalo over Baltimore
Buffalo over New England
Indy over San Diego
Minnesota over Arizona
Atlanta over St Louis
Atlanta over Philly
Carolina over St Louis

AFC Championship:
Indy over Buffalo

NFC Championship:
Philly over Carolina

Super Bowl:
Philly over Indy

NFL Predictions

Here come my uninformed, yet intriguing, predictions for the NFL season:

AFC East
New England	11-5
Buffalo	10-6
New York	8-8
Miami	4-12
AFC North
Cincinnati	11-5
Pittsburgh	9-7
Baltimore	7-9
Cleveland	6-10
AFC South
Indy	13-3
Jacksonville	10-6
Houston	8-8
Tennessee	5-11
AFC West
Kansas City	11-5
San Diego	8-8
Denver	6-10
Oakland	5-11
NFC East
Philly	11-5
Dallas	7-9
Washington	7-9
New York	6-10
NFC North
Green Bay	10-6
Minnesota	9-7
Detroit	8-8
Chicago	3-13
NFC South
Carolina	13-3
Atlanta	8-8
New Orleans	6-10
Tampa Bay	5-11
NFC West
St. Louis	10-6
Arizona	9-7
Seattle	8-8
San Francisco	4-12

PLAYOFFS???!?!???!??
NFC:
GB over ARI
MIN over STL
CAR over MIN
PHI over GB
CAR over PHI

AFC:
NE over BUF
JAX over CIN
IND over KC
NE over CIN
NE over IND

Super Bowl:
NE over CAR. Putting my reputation and/or ass on the line this year.

(For all you dorks out there, I made sure the total # of wins I predicted leaguewide equaled the total # of losses.)

You can get anything you want...

...at Giambi's restaurant.

Good lord.

Did they hire Larry London as chef?

The questions keep coming, and I need answers.

(sorry for this not being strictly sports-related)

NBA News Flash

Calvin Booth signs with the Wizards.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Papi for MVP

He's knocked in more runs than anyone else, his HR numbers are up near the top, and he's the last person anyone wants to face in the ninth inning, particularly now that Barry Bonds has been de-roidified.  Besides, there's not a particularly compelling alternate choice for the award.  You can say A-Rod all you want, but typically it helps to have a penis to win the MVP.  It's a well-known fact that each previous MVP winner had a penis at the time of the award, and as we all know, A-Rod sold his to the devil when he was traded to New York.  Papi, meanwhile, would probably hit between 15-20 HR if he actually batted with his penis.

(Reminds me of the old joke: I think Ted Williams, the greatest hitter of all-time, would only hit about .260 if he were playing today, against modern pitchers... after all, he's dead.)

Good night, sweet prick

So Scott Stevens has officially retired.
This brings to an end the career of probably the best defenseman I've ever seen (apologies to Brian Leech and Ray Borque). More importantly, I've spent the majority of my life hating on him relentlessly. And I can finally admit that it was only because he anchored the Devils, who are, to steal a phrase from salon.com's King Kaufman, #2 in the complicated calculus of team's I root against. Scott Stevens was the greatest I've seen, and I can lay down the hate sling and acknowledge his pimposity.
Good on ya, Scott.

And speaking of Scott, with Niedermayer now a Duck, I just don't know who to hate on New Jersey. I dodged a bullet when they didn't sign the Dark Lord of the Apocalypse. I just don't know what to believe anymore, except that the Flyers still suck.

P.S. For a hint as to who holds the #1 spot in teams I root against, click here. Boston fans, get ready to be surprised.

It's always darkest just before midnight

Sweet Fucking Christ.

Thanks A Bunch, Guys

Proving once and for all that Sox fans have jumped the shark, there's a Mark Bellhorn revival in New York.  After being booed out of town because he couldn't hit, when actually he couldn't hit at home because of the unjustified booing (check the home/road splits for a wake-up call), he is now turning in textbook Bellhorn performances for the Yankees, hitting a home run and walking in a run last night against Oakland.  I would like nothing more than for Mark Bellhorn to return to the postseason stage and do some damage, if only to punish the Red Sox Gods for turning on Bellhorn so quickly and mercilessly.  You cannot understand how pissed off at my fellow Red Sox fans I am.  Ashamed and embarrassed only begin to describe the situation.  As if it's not hard enough for a team to repeat, now good baseball players (Foulke, Bellhorn, Renteria) are getting booed out of town, and in Bellhorn's case succeeding elsewhere.  Precisely how in the hell does this help us???  I see how booing serves the insecure, miserable, self-centered, ignorant Red Sox fans (as if we have anything to boo about) but I don't see how it helps the team.  Stop pretending you're so great and knowledgeable; your repeatedly inability to tolerate subpar performances proves that you're not.  When is someone with authority going to lay these idiots out?  It's not like Theo Epstein has to worry about alienating anyone; what better way to cement his Pimpstein legacy than to tell the fans to start acting their age?  The best thing he could do for this franchise right now would be to straighten them all out. The worst fears of Red Sox Nation have come true... the Sox won the World Series, and now Sox fans are scrambling to find something to hate.

Mark Bellhorn, if you're reading this (ha): you have my permission to exact revenge however you see fit.  You have earned it.

Theo the Pimpstein, if you're reading this (ha ha ha): please, for the love of God, tell us all to shut the fuck up.  And if anyone complains, send Varitek to WEEI with a lead pipe.

Junkees update - addendum

Ok, so some might say the Yankees are in trouble. They trail Boston by 3.5. They still have about 10 games left against the Devil Rays, who they make look like the "When it is" cheat team from Baseball Stars.
They're paying 12 million to watch Bernie Baseball tank popups and strike out, a lot.
They're actually excited about acquiring Alan Embree and Mark Bellhorn.
And how are they wasting another 11 million?
Da na na na na na na na... HEY! I SUCK!

Ah, but have no fear... September callups are here, and straight from the Cashman nostalgia file...
Comes the missing piece of the puzzle.
We got you now, you fuckers.

Wrigley Field Pilgrimage #2

I was at Wrigley on Tuesday night for the second time ever. The last time I went, the Expos won 5-4, but Sammy Sosa's game-ending flyout to the left-field warning track made the game a lot more interesting than it should have been. Sitting in the sunny Wrigley bleachers on a perfect summer day made the experience just about perfect; I came back raving about Wrigley. (More on that below.)

Tuesday night's game, against the Dodgers, had a marquee pitching matchup (Mark Prior vs. Brad Penny), pleasant late-summer weather (low 70s with a 10 mph crosswind), and the presence of one Nomah Garshaparrah. Nomar didn't disappoint either, hitting a rocket HR to right field and slamming every pitch he made contact with. His sac fly in the 6th was on the first pitch... classic Nomar. In fact, the entire night was classic Nomar. The reason I wasn't upset about Nomar's departure is that the Nomar I knew and loved, the one who tore the cover off of every ball he hit, hadn't been seen in Boston since 2001. Between injuries and front-office clashes, Old Nomar has been gone for a long time. New Nomar is better known for his DL stints and Gatorade commericals ("Thanks, beautiful!") than his on-field heroics. Finally seeing a glimpse of the Old Nomar, once compared to no less a giant than Ted Williams himself, was really special. If I were writing a book about last season, last night's game would be a nice, warm epilogue.

What wouldn't be a nice, warm epilogue, however, was the kid who wore a Kevin Youkilis t-shirt to the game. That's like getting a David Newhan t-shirt. Why????? I'm all for recognizing the little guy, but Youk can't even stay in the majors. God, kids are pretty stupid.

So, let's get heretical for a moment. If I were forced to choose one park to save from the terrorists... I would save Wrigley. Yes, that was me taking a big dump on Baseball Mecca. But once you delete the on-field history, the recent consummation of its 40-Year-Old-Virgin-esque wait for a championship, and the fan allegiances, I believe Wrigley to be a superior baseball stadium. There's nothing in baseball that can beat the houses along Waveland and Sheffield Avenues. Even though each of those houses has been converted into glorified bleachers, they define the Wrigley experience in a way that no other local neighborhood defines its ballpark. It's a romantic nod to the days when hitting a ball all the way out to the street was the benchmark for success. Sure, Fenway has Lansdowne Street, and once had the Citgo Sign, but they're interesting sidebars compared to being able to live in view of your home team's ballpark.

But perhaps in this world of yings and yangs, and ying-yang twins even, it's important to see the value of both ends of a spectrum. While every new park has some "unique" quirk that hearkens back to Fenway, places like Camden Yards, SBC Park, and PNC Park have embraced Wrigley's friendliness and warmth by weaving the Warehouse, the Bay, and all of Pittsburgh (respectively) into their geographies. It's no coincidence that they are widely considered to be the crown jewels of modern ballparks; PNC was actually awarded best-in-baseball status by Page 2. So, as much as Fenway is credited for inspiring new ballparks' field configurations, I think Wrigley deserves just as much credit for the new parks' intimacy. If I were able to save both Wrigley and Fenway, and then mate them to produce a fourth generation of baseball stadiums, I think we'd be doing all right. But let's not mince words here... Fenway's the bitch, and Wrigley's the butch.

Talky talky talky... no more talky.