Stanley Cup Update

Through two games, this has been one of the most dramatic Stanley Cup finals in recent memory.

Neither the Sens nor the Ducks is a "cinderella" team, like the Oilers last year, the Flames three years ago, and these same Ducks in 2003.  They aren't in the finals thanks to a hot goalie playing out of his mind, or in spite of overachieving skaters who will soon revert to mediocrity.  These are two legitimately formidable teams.  Not a marquee matchup, but still a legitimate battle of the titans.

The finalists are matched as evenly as can be... a face-off of complementary strengths.  Ottawa sends the #1 scoring line in hockey up against not just the #1 checking line in hockey but the #1 defensive pair in hockey (Project Norris) as well.  A flock of young Anaheim forwards (Getzlaf, Penner, McDonald) against Ottawa's collection of wily veteran checkers (McAmmond, Neil, Schaefer) and shutdown defensemen (Phillips, Volchenkov, Redden).

So far, those strengths have cancelled each other out in their entireties.  Save for a nifty goal from Ryan Getzlaf in Game 1, the scoring lines on both sides have been neutralized.  Anaheim's had many more chances, but the puck's not finding its way into the net.  As a result, both games have been decided late in the 3rd period, and both have required checking line heroes Travis Moen and Sami Pahlsson to score the game-winning goals for Anaheim.

Two perfect NHL playoff games out of two.  The only thing better would have been overtime, and it's safe to assume we'll see an overtime at some point in the next week.  From a dramatic and competitive standpoint, this series has been a godsend.

Of course, nobody's watching, nobody realizes they're not watching, and nobody cares when they do realize it.  Despite having a product that puts the NBA playoffs to shame in every category, the Stanley Cup Finals is totally irrelevant to the average person.  Thank you, Versus... for not carrying a single game the rest of the way.  Good riddance for another four months.

But I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him.  The Finals are on NBC from here on out.  Another win for Anaheim would basically end the series, but I expect Ottawa, in front of a completely bonkers hockey crowd, to send a message in Game 3.  Should be good...

NBA Moratorium: Fully Justified

I didn't say anything about this yesterday, but MJD's flawless take on the situation got me fired up.  Release the Crazy Jeff tag!

I tuned in for just a minute or two of the end of Game 4 in Utah... just long enough to catch the unconscionable flop by Manu Ginobili that led to the first of Derek Fisher's two technicals.

At that moment, I knew that my decision to abandon the NBA playoffs was correct.

When I say that the NBA is dead... that its legitimacy is fast plummeting towards the depths occupied by boxing, wrestling, and international soccer... and that David Stern needs to start handing out Ron Artest suspensions for generally unsportsmanlike play (not just isolated incidents, but for a player's body of work)... Ginobili's acting performance is exactly what I'm talking about.

Every bonehead who talks about what a fierce competitor Ginobili is, what a tough guy he is, should be forced to watch that shameless, gutless flop on a loop for an hour.  There's competitiveness, and there's sportsmanship.  Nobody can question Ginobili's competitiveness, but there isn't a drop of sportsmanship in his game.  Not one.  If you respect that piece of shit, even a little bit, you're a real sap, because he sure doesn't respect you very much.

It's well beyond Code Red time for Ginobili.  If it were 1984, that androgynous bald fuck would've gotten his teeth smashed in.  Larry Bird would have done it himself.  Of course, Ginobili would know better than pull that crap on the Celtics or Lakers, because those teams would fight back!

But we all know what would happen if Derek Fisher had delivered the curb-stomping that Ginobili so desperately deserves.  Long suspension for Fisher, nominal fine for Ginobili, Ginobili wins.

And that's not going to change.  Neither the NBA nor its players will fight back, because there's no money in it.  The players keep looking to the league to do something, since vigilantism incurs all kinds of fines and suspensions.  The league, meanwhile, knows that neither the outcome of past games nor income from future games will be affected by the kind of retroactive action I'm calling for.  Improving the quality of the on-court product doesn't affect the TV contract, the attendance figures, the merchandising, the endorsements, or anything else.  Why would they change anything?

And that's how the NBA became a joke.  They don't care, so why should I?

The Utah crowd spent the last four minutes of the game pelting the court (read: the Spurs and referees) with garbage.  I wish I could have joined them.

Aaron Hill Steals Home

Hat-tip to the Fanhouse... video of the most beautiful heist of the season.

Short:


Long:

Yo no la tengo mas dolor para los Junkees

So I was going to fill this space with venom over just how badly the Yankees have collapsed, but then I started reading this, and I just can't summon up the hate. This is the funniest thing I've seen maybe ever.

Of course, this site's fandom of the good folks over at the dugout is well documented. And I've been amused by the Zooperstars for some time now. But I hadn't yet seen this piece, and trying to contain my laughter at work is killing me.

Hero Of The Night

Tonight's hero: Aaron Hill!



Hill was as big a hero as Armando Benitez was a zero. A pair of balks to score the tying run, then a Carlos Delgado moon shot to lose it. With two outs. If you love watching closers melt down, this was a classic.

Beltre

In case you guys hadn't noticed, my man is hitting pretty well lately. Last night's 4/5, with two homers and two doubles, helped him to an impressive .524/.545/1.143 line over the last five games. Facing Santana the (much) lesser tonight, he might just be able to keep that going.

OK, everyone has hot streaks, but even more impressively to me, Beltre has put up the following numbers over the past calendar year:

175 hits
46 2Bs
3 3Bs
32 HRs

.285/.344/.525

That's the guy we hoped we were getting. I don't really expect that he'll be able to keep it up (though I don't really expect that he won't be able to either), and he still has a lot of really terrible looking at bats. But it's encouraging at least, and it should mean that the pissing and moaning about his contract in the media should chill a bit (though it won't). If he hits like this for the rest of his contract, particularly considering his defense, I'll throw a party in his honor (that no one will attend).

P.S. If we knock Santana around tonight (like everybody else has been doing), we'll have a chance to go for the sweep, in Anaheim, behind Felix, tomorrow night. This is the most exciting Mariners series in a couple years, I dare say.

Fuck tha Angels.

ALERT: Standings Error!

Yahoo! Sports' standings are incorrect.  As of this morning, they looked like this:

East	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Boston	35	15	.700	--	17-7	18-8	15-7	8-3	10-4	Won 4	7-3
Baltimore	24	27	.471	11.5	15-11	9-16	12-11	8-12	2-3	Won 3	6-4
Toronto	23	27	.460	12.0	13-11	10-16	14-11	6-9	2-5	Won 1	5-5
NY	21	28	.429	13.5	12-13	9-15	5-13	6-3	9-10	Lost 4	3-7
TB	21	28	.429	13.5	13-14	8-14	6-10	7-6	8-9	Won 2	4-6

But wouldn't you agree that a team's record within their division is the best way to break a tie within that division?  Clearly, it ought to look more like this:

East	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Boston	35	15	.700	--	17-7	18-8	15-7	8-3	10-4	Won 4	7-3
Baltimore	24	27	.471	11.5	15-11	9-16	12-11	8-12	2-3	Won 3	6-4
Toronto	23	27	.460	12.0	13-11	10-16	14-11	6-9	2-5	Won 1	5-5
TB	21	28	.429	13.5	13-14	8-14	6-10	7-6	8-9	Won 2	4-6
NY	21	28	.429	13.5	12-13	9-15	5-13	6-3	9-10	Lost 4	3-7

See?  Much better.

(Could I have waited a day or two for the tie to break?  I guess so.  Am I still terrified that posting this will curse the season?  Absolutely.  But I think I have karma to burn.  I've been a good boy all year.  I spoke up after the sweep a month ago, but that wasn't to brag as much as to find an excuse for premiering the Crazy Jeff tag.  I haven't said a word about the standings besides that.  So I'm cashing in some chips.)

Another Wizards Story

Doesn't necessarily seem like that big a deal, but I can't imagine another player in any sport (except hockey) doing something like this.

Bo Knows Broken-Bat HRs

It's been 20 years since Bo Jackson was a rookie with the Kansas City Royals.  Via Touching All The Bases comes a write-up in the Kansas City Star covering the most memorable moments of his baseball career.  Well worth your time.

Thank God For Canada

Via Deadspin comes the funniest shit of the week. I ain't even bullshittin'.



God, do I love F-bombs.

Gil Gil Gil Gil Gil

Via Deadspin comes a link to Royals Authority's Gil Gauge, a measure of whether Gil Meche is earning his paycheck.  It comes as a stat-based response to the Kansas City Star's empirical Meche Meter.  A score of 55 on either scale means that #55's $55 million contract can be judged a success.  Clever stuff.  NO WORD ON! WHAT PECOTA! HAS TO SAY ABOUT! THIS

I've defended the signing, regardless of his performance, elsewhere.  But after two months of the Meche Era, I don't think it's a stretch to say the Royals have already gotten more for their $55 million than the Yankees got from Carl Pavano for $40 million.

Then again, Jason Marquis is 5-1 with a 2.60 ERA.  And we know that's not gonna last.  Gil seems destined to slide back a little.  But for now, the gamble looks a lot safer with every quality start he makes.

NHL Relocation Update

Looks like I missed the boat in my NHL League Optimization post.

The Nashville Predators have been sold to a Canadian businessman, Jim Balsillie, with the apparent intention to move the team to Canada.  It's exactly what I advocated... I just missed the boat on which team should go first.  D'oh.

As of right now, nobody seems to think the Preds will stay.  They became a logical target thanks to a partial out clause that just kicked in.  Average paid attendance for the Preds dipped below 14,000 for the 2006-07 season (13,815), which gives ownership the right to break their lease if attendance stays under 14,000 for 2007-08.

Given that his attempt to buy the Pittsburgh Penguins was predicated on having the right to relocate, it requires no leap in logic to infer that Balsillie's new purchase was predicated (couldn't resist) on that same right.  The Penguins deal fell through only because Balsillie wouldn't promise not to move them.  His lips are sealed for now, but once the ink's dry on the sale agreement I don't expect him to keep quiet.  Ballsillie is an Ontarian.  Hamilton has an NHL-caliber arena all ready to go, and Balsillie just bought a 25-acre lot in Cambridge.  This guy's bringing more hockey to Ontario.

Would I have chosen Hamilton, or the K-W region myself?  Not by a longshot.  Hamilton could support a team, and the Toronto area could probably support a second... mais parce que je suis un Acadien ethnique (vive l'Acadie!!!), je préférerais que mes cousins au Québec devraient recevoir une équipe nouvelle pour remplacer les Nordiques, et les meilleurs uniformes dans l'histoire de hockey!  Ce serait très beau, non?  Malheureusement, c'est peu probable avec ce crisse de type Ontarien responsable.  Quel dommage.  Alors, on marche en avant!  (All done butchering French.)

I do feel bad for Predators fans.  Nashville built their franchise the right way... patiently, from the ground up.  The fruits of over ten years' labor finally paid off with a top-flite hockey team.  It went exactly according to plan, except for the fan apathy  If they can't break 14K per game for a 110-point team before Balsillie begins his inevitable, Major League-inspired campaign of discouragement, why would they turn out in greater numbers next season?  And if they don't, what kind of argument is there for keeping the team in town?  We'll find out in the coming months exactly what's going to happen, but this seems like a slam dunk for a northern migration.

And you know what?  Fine by me.  My earlier post will tell you what I think of the NHL's missionary work in the American South.  With the league suffering through its darkest period in decades, hockey, like any other struggling business, needs to focus on its core customers: Canadians.  Gary Bettman was right to think hockey's action and physicality is a good fit for the South; unfortunately, the South seems to disagree.  Atlanta won its division, and yet its fan apathy equals Nashville's.  Miami hasn't treated its Panthers any better.  Even the Cup-champion Hurricanes were in the middle of the pack attendance-wise.  (Note: these figures are overall attendance, not paid attendance.)  It's time for the NHL to cut its losses and take hockey back to its roots.

Crazy Pills

Ok, there's no way ANY game this week can top the madness that ensued in the 9th inning of last night's Phillies/Marlins game. Craziest inning I've ever seen.

"The weirdest inning of all time" -Aaron Rowand, Phillies Center Fielder

Included in the festivities were two ejections, one injured franchise closer, and...
"the stupidest play in the history of baseball" -Greg Dobbs, Phillies 1st Baseman/waste of space
Read more here.

Seriously. I was taught in about 4th grade to always take the sure out at first. I hope that Myers' labrum is fucked, and that they rip out one of Dobbs' for the replacement. About 2 minutes later, Hanley was sliding under Barajas' "tag", a nice slide, but totally lucky. If Barajas doesn't inexplicably decide to stand up, for NO reason, all that happens is Hanley sprains his ankle and is called out.

Of course, they won the game, which is like saying Pyrrhus had a flawless victory.

Front Row: Pitcher Brett Myers; Second Row (from left): 1B Greg Dobbs, Catcher Rod Barajas, Manager Charlie Manuel; Back Rows: Tortured ghosts of Phillie fans who were actually alive last time this team won anything; Way Back Row: Ben Franklin.

Oh, and in other baseball news, guess who's undergoing Tommy John surgery?
so long, you goddamnedshiteatingdickbagcokefacedonkeylegturtleswineassgoblin.

Oh, For The Love Of Mike

SLAPPY STRIKES AGAIN!



Guess I was wrong... there is someone who enjoys the work of Bruce Bowen.

I'm Not The Least Bit Surprised

YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!

What did I say yesterday? The Celtics are so incompetent, they can't even win a random drawing. I blame the Boston Celtics front office 100% for what happened tonight.

See, I'm a "results" kinda guy. I'm not interested in excuses. Aww, we had injuries. We lost some close games. It's a random drawing over which the Celtics brass could not have exerted any influence. Cry me a river. You know who talks like that? Losers. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. No prom queen = you're a loser. Therefore the folks responsible for the success and failure of the Celtics are therefore responsible for this latest failure.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not crazy. I realize I said some things up there that may not be entirely within the realm of possibility. I may, or may not, have resorted to a bit of hyperbole in order to make my point. But I'm not serious about all that. I'm sane enough to recognize God's wrath when I see it.

Yeah, I said that. All those years of CCD haven't been lost on me. This is Biblical. The owners have been punished for being too proud of their current roster. Doc Rivers has been punished for being a stupid ignorant bastard. Danny Ainge has been punished for not firing Doc, and for trading a rookie of the year for a pistol aficionado. (And let's not forget who won the whole lottery: Portland, the folks on the other end of the Roy/Telfair trade. Don't even try to tell me one thing had nothing to do with the other.)

And, most of all, Celtics fans are being punished for... well, in the Catholic idiom, we're being punished for the success of the Pats and Red Sox. But I have to say, God's choice of punishment is a bit non-standard. He usually makes his point in more traditional ways:



DIAF MFS!!!!! NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!

(No pics on GIS of the Spanish Inquisition, unfortunately. Just illustrations.)

So, now that the inevitable is out of the way, let's see what good can be salvaged from this disaster:

1) Losing on purpose was not rewarded. I can get behind that. In theory.

2) I get to keep hating the NBA without worrying about Oden/Durant excitement. Done and done! (And I mean done.)

3) Doc and Danny are DEFINITELY getting fired now. I'll order the sparkling cider.

4) Maybe, just maybe, landing Durant can save basketball in Seattle. Sidney Crosby saved the Penguins, so maybe Kevin Durant saves the Sonics.

(Man, I really wasted that DIAF picture... should've used it on Clay Bennett. That homophobic money-grubbing scumbag cocksucker. Eat a dick, Clay; don't knock it before you try it. Anyway, if losing Durant meant saving the Sonics, I can't really argue with that. That's fair. Of course, it has to actually happen...)

The Game, Week 6

Well, as Jeff pointed out, this week’s Yanks-Sox matchup just doesn’t quite have the same winner keeps all feel to it. So, I’ll take the opportunity to recommend a different game for mandatory viewing, simply so that I have something to point to as evidence that yes, a blog co-written by 40% yankee and sox fans can be aware that there are other teams in the league.

One caveat- having caught at least most of Cole Hamels’ last three starts, I’ve upgraded him to must-see-tv. There’s just this amazing buzz when he’s on the mound (esp. at home)… If the Phillies can crawl into contention, and Hamels keeps it up, Illaphites will be telling their children about the Summer of Cole the way Yankees fans talk about the Summer of Sam, or Mets fans talk about the Summer of Doc. He pitches tonight in Florida, attempting to keep the Phils above .500.

Sooo… what’s on the docket?

I’d be very tempted by Houston v. SFO, featuring Young Tim “Ropes” Linecum against Oswalt (my pick for NL Cy Young 2007), except that I watched about ½ of last night’s game, which I turned off in the midst of the single most boring 1-0 pitchers duel ever. And I normally like 1-0 pitchers duels. Neither of these teams can hit worth a damn. They swing weaker than Jerry Falwell at Satan’s Orgy. What, too soon?

Capuano/Penny isn’t bad, but ain’t exactly star powered. Unless you enjoy hearing Vin Scully call Prince Fielder “Cecil” (and I do, immensely).

Star power? How about Glavine v. Smoltz, Thurs. at 730 PM, as the Mets meet the Braves, both of whom are playing some very, very good baseball. This is probably the most interesting game this week, but given that I picked Unit v. Moyer last week, I just can’t bring myself to go old and busted again. I’d rather watch Verlander v. Sabathia, Sat. at 4PM. New Hotness!

Ah, fuck it. Watch Pettitte/Schilling, you dopes. Wed. night, 7PM. You can work up a good drunkening by first checking out the Champions’ League Final. Go Liverpool! Gattuso, eat a bag.

The Series For The Championship Of The World Until Next Week

Geez, this is gonna be, like, the worst Sox-Yanks ever.  Not a single candidate for Lehr's Game of the Week post.  This week's pitchers are the chunks of the crop... no cream to be found.  Wang?  Mussina?  Pettitte?  Wakefield?  Schilling?  BO-RING!  If the staff aces aren't involved (Gabbard, DeSalvo, Clippard) then I just ain't interested.

No, I'm still excited.  I gotta be.  But it's hard to get too worked up when only a sweep either can will cause a monumental change in the situation at the end of the series.

Red Sox sweep: Still wouldn't call it over, not even with a 13.5-game lead, but I'd at least start drafting an "eliminated" post
Yankees sweep: The sun rises, the sun sets, and my life is ruined by the Yankees

Not that I won't be happy without a sweep... I just won't learn anything.  What's one game here or there?  The lead's 10.5.  The situation won't change.

But neither of those cases are likely.  It's more likely to be another dogfight.  Meaning nothing's really gonna happen.

How can that be?  How can Sox/Yankees have no effect on anything?  These series are supposed to be crucial every time around.  If nothing happens, then there's no meaning.  If there's no meaning, then the whole pursuit of Yankee MFers is pointless and moot.  But we know it's neither pointless nor moot because it's Sox/Yankees, resulting in a contradiction... one so gargantuan that the universe would shove its head into its own asshole and disappear.  So let's hope the Sox sweep, because I don't want to get lobbed feet-first into the asshole of the universe.

Actually, the worst outcome of a Yankee sweep would be the overuse of a classic idiot announcer gambit: the seemingly insurmountable lead that just got a tiny bit smaller, so they act like it can only get smaller!  A classic Chris Bermanism!

• And it's an eighteen to FOURRRRR ballgame!
• All of a sudden, the Bobcats have cut the lead to twenty-NINE!
• The Red Sox' lead is down to SEVEN and a HALF... look out, cause here come the Yankees!

For the love of christ, let's hope that doesn't happen... we need to keep the mediots talking about what's really important: calling Giambi an idiot for actually trying to apologize to people for steroids.  What an ultra-maroon!

The Nightmare Is Over

No, I'm not referring to the NBA Playoffs.  I'm talking about ESPN's Mock Draftamaphone, since the end of the season implies the beginning of the draft.  Since it went online, that rat bastard of a lottery generator has caused me nothing but pain.

I'm well aware that the Celtics only have a 39% chance of getting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, as demonstrated here, but being reminded of reality on 60% of my lottery scenarios (especially the ones in which they draft #5... my absolute favorite, and a 12.3% likelihood)

It gets worse.  For a long time after its premiere, the simulator's preferred #3 overall pick was Joakim Noah.  As if it weren't horrifying enough to see the Celtics lose out every time through the lottery, I was forced to come to terms with the sentence, "with the thiird pick, the Boston Celtics select Joakim Noah."  Each time I saw Noah's name set against green, a little piece of me died inside.

Since I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment, I left it alone for a few weeks and stopped paying attention.  But a few things have happened since that renewed my interest in the lottery:

1) The Suns had an NBA title ripped from their hands.  Thanks, beautiful.

2) Due to the now-confirmed existence of Jesus, the Celtics' new #3 selection is UNC forward Brandan Wright, and not Joakim Noah.  Hooray!!!  Wright is probably the third-best college player available, and fills a position of need.  Even better, the Celtics are even taking Wright at #5.  Thank goodness.  So let's all give a heart Postgame Spread shout-out to the big J-man!

3) As I was reminded just now... the Celtics could actually land at #1.  Wow!  Could that actually happen?  Would Der Fuhrer even allow that?  I've been sitting here praying they get #2, when this whole time I could have been aiming higher.  In fact, according to the odds in that link above, I should be aiming higher, because the C's are more likely to land #1 than #2.  If those numbers are legit, my half-assed phony-baloney prayers have been misguided.

Speaking of misguided, here's an interesting thought regarding the state of the Celtics.  The confederacy of dunces the Celtics employ as executives has inspired so little confidence in me that I question their ability to win a random drawing.  In other words, if they come away with a pick in the 3-5 range, I will subconsciously chalk that loss up to them... as if they somehow affected the process as negatively as they affect every other process.  I actually believe that their general incompetence will somehow affect ping-pong balls in another room!  Astounding what the human mind can do, isn't it?

Anyway, I still have my fingers crossed.  No matter what, things will be a lot more interesting for the Celtics 48 hours from now.

The Aftermath

Sigh.

I spent the whole game excited. My behavior was about identical to my behavior during Pats-Colts in January... jumping around the house, screaming at every success, talking to the Suns through my television. Usually when I'm up late watching sports, I'm acutely aware of the time; last night, I look up and all of a sudden it's 1 AM. I was riding on the adrenaline highway, with no off-ramp in sight.

And then Manu woke up. That rotten bastard. He sure can play the backet ball. Ruined my night morning.

I gotta say, though, that my main reaction to the Spurs' comeback wasn't "that's bullshit!" Sure, given the suspensions, the result is even more bullshit than ever. But within the confines of the game, the only bullshit was the shameless favoritism towards Phoenix. For San Antonio to still come out on top was a mammoth achievement. I can concede a shred or two of respect.

But still not enough to remove the asterisk I've applied. And definitely not enough to give them credit for the win. That credit goes to one man, and one man alone: David Stern. Happy birthday, asshole.

If there's a silver lining to be found, it's that Der Fuhrer is going to get destroyed for this. Tonight's secret ingredient is... CROW!!! He has had it coming for a long, long time. It couldn't be any more deserved, couldn't happen to a more pigheaded, stubborn, condescending jerk.

Anyway, let's consider what we learned yesterday, starting with the bad news:

BAD NEWS

1) Phoenix is fucked. Good did not win out over evil. D'oh.

2) Marv Albert embarrassed himself by suggesting that not enforcing the bench rule would have been seen as bending to Amare's "marquee status." Oh please. I think it's been established pretty clearly that very few people would think that. Besides, if the NBA is so frightened of bailing out their starts, what was Duncan doing in the building last night? Oh, right, that other thing wasn't an altercation. I forgot.

3) We are at risk of suffering through the occassional "well, you can't blame the suspensions anymore, because the Suns had a chance to win" argument from the Retardosphere. The exact opposite is true. They lost by three points. They got killed on the boards. Two put-packs off of offensive rebounds wins that game. Anyone else think just ten minutes of Amare's time would have made the difference?

GOOD NEWS

1) It was an exciting game. At least America wasn't denied that.

2) To reiterate, the league got one thing right: Phoenix got ALL the calls. Every single one. As they deserve, and will continue to deserve through the balance of the series. Given last night's outcome, it's the least the NBA can do. And it's the only option left on the table if the league wants to save face.

3) In the last couple minutes, Raja Bell flopped, shamelessly, in Manu Ginobili's face. And got the call. That, my friends, was textbook poetic justice. Absolutely classic. It may not rank as highly as "Valeri Kamensky sucker-punches Ulf Samuelsson in the chops" on the Poetic Justice Scale, but I'll take it.

4) Thanks to the loss, I get to keep hating on that Nazi cocksucker! Hooray! Hit the gas, Commish!

5) If the Suns end up losing, the pressure on the NBA to "do something" about it will be off the charts. Given that what happened is basically a microcosm of everything that's wrong with the league culture right now, and that an attitude adjustment has been long overdue, maybe some good will come out of it after all. Fingers crossed...

OK, So I Lied

I know, I know, I didn't keep my promise. But so much cool shit happened today! In 24 hours, the sports world's wheels flew off. They flew right the fuck off. Like when an Olympic luge participant farts in the wrong direction and the sled flies out from under him and shoots him 50 feet in the air. You know?

Seriously though, the NBA is just getting SMOTHERED. You couldn't script a bigger PR disaster. You can feel legitimate rage in otherwise sensible media types. For example, anyone read that Steve Kerr link in the comments of my first post on the matter? He sounded rather critical, didn't he? But that's not him. He's a "team X has to do this, they're getting the ball to player Y" type guy. And yet he took the time to add a touch of sarcasm into his otherwise milquetoast column. That's what I'm talking about. Even the vanilla-faces are bloviating. It's uplifting.

The highlights:

* Kaufman summed up absolutely everything. Everything. No other reasonable thoughts on this topic have occurred to anyone, anywhere. Bravo.

* Simmons, meanwhile, wrote his best column in years. THIS is the Sports Guy who forced his way into ESPN. Of all the times I've read him and thought to myself, "he summed up exactly how I feel," this one beats them all. Even the famous Roger Clemens column isn't as 100%-on-the-money as this one.

* Most stunning of all? SPORTSCENTER ANCHORS ACTUALLY CRITICIZED THE NBA!!! Brian Kenny hated on the ruling! I heard him do it! "Talk about rules that need to be changed," he said. OK, fine, so it was in reference to soccer overtime in the UEFA Cup, but it was obviously a jab at the leaving-the-bench thing! Besides, even a snide aside out of context is WAY off the reservation by ESPN standards. Getting an ill word of any kind out of a SC anchor in 2007 is like getting Jeffrey Dahmer to eat and rape, like, ten guys. (Actually, that wouldn't be so hard. But you get the idea.)

The point is that this is officially a major, major disaster. It's a referendum on the NBA. The vote is overwhelmingly negative.

And it's awesome. Invigorating, even.

I can't wait another two hours.

Don't Read This, You Know What It Contains

I'm sorry.  I can't keep thinking about the suspensions and repeatedly pissing myself off all day long.  I have to stop.  I promise I won't say another word about any of it until after Game 5.

After this.

* If you hadn't figured it out by now, I am officially protesting the NBA playoffs.  It's one thing to pull crap like this, or the Artest fight, in the regular season.  It's another thing to punish players who actually fought.  The suspended players did not fight.

Should the Spurs win, it shall not go in my personal record book.  Should they so much as advance to the Finals, I shall declare the Eastern Conference winner to be NBA champions on this blog.  (Believe me, if I'm offering to sing the praises of the friggin Pistons, you know I mean business.)

* This is the worst job of reacting to in-game violence since the Ron Artest fight.

* What lesson have the Suns, and for that matter basketball fans, learned here?  Cheating is not only OK, but it pays.  Dirty players win.  And it's not just an unwritten rule anymore... it's league-sanctioned.  Bra-vo, NBA.

* TrueHoop is once again a must-read.  While I agree that the logic behind Stu Jackson's recommendation is understandable, and that he did not act beyond his bounds, I strongly disagree that either of those things is so much as relevant to the discussion, let alone a viable thesis.  The issue is larger than a single rule.

* In questioning my rant from yesterday, Kelvin pointed out that gamesmanship and "dirty tricks" are an unavoidable consequence of championship play, citing the Marco Materazzi bullshit from the World Cup final and all that.  He also said that punishing folks after the fact wouldn't change the outcome of the game they affected with said gamesmanship.  One cannot entirely legislate that sort of thing out of sports, and attempting to do so opens up a gigantic can of worms.  Those are fair points.

However, actively rewarding the dirty tricksters... not just merely accepting referee ignorance, but going back, after the fact, and applying further punishment to the victims in cold blood, when alternate courses of action are available... is way over the line.  And obviously over the line, at that... unless you work for the NBA, that is. 

* Along those lines, interesting point at the end of the TrueHoop piece: given the on-court wanderings of Tim Duncan and Bruce Bowen in the second quarter, and given Stu Jackson's inevitable (cowardly) decision, James Jones should have clocked Francisco Elson.  Seriously.  If he'd done that, then by rule Jackson would have been required to suspend Duncan and Bowen.  And that, my friends, is why you don't just make up draconian rules and hide behind them.  Your life as a decision-maker becomes easier to manage in the short-term, but you end up with unintended long-term consequences worse than what you were trying to avoid in the first place.

* Despite understanding Jackson's treatment of the Jones/Elson moment, I disagree that it was the correct application of the rule.

The rule is you can't leave the bench during an altercation.  If the rule isn't enforced for all cases regardless, then there's room for discretion.

Duncan and Bowen left the bench in response to a hard foul.  It's on tape.  If you're enforcing the rule in all cases, then they gotta go too.  But Jackson determined that the altercation was not sufficiently violent for the bench rule to kick in.  In other words, he used his what?  His discretion.

If there's room for discretion there, then there is room for discretion concerning the complete lack of justification for suspending Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw.

This result is, therefore, a selective punishment of Stoudemire and Diaw.

* On a brighter note, I have decided, just now, to watch the hell out of Game 5, Pacific Standard Time be damned.  And I'm going to make an embarrassing, embarrassing scene in my apartment, too.  I'm now looking forward to it.  This is gonna be great.

David Stern, You Nazi Bastard

Hey, it's time for everybody's favorite game show, "Nazi NBA Commissioner Gets Off On Treating Grown Black Men Like They're His Fucking Kids Or Something Else Equally Demeaning!"  Today's contestants are Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw, and Robert Horry:

"This is a very unfortunate circumstance," Jackson said during a conference call. "No one here at the league office wants to suspend players any game, much less a pivotal game in the second round of a playoff series. But the rule, however, is the rule, and we intend to apply it consistently."

Absolutely!  THAT'S the way to apply rules!  I've always felt that way.  Because my name is Cardinal Richelieu, and when I'm not blogging about the NBA, I like to torture heretics by ripping the flesh from their underarm areas. ^_^

Paris Hilton will go to seminary before the NBA applies a single rule properly at any level of its operations.  A league with bigger officiating problems than professional wrestling is suddenly preoccupied with consistency?  Laughable.  I laugh in the face of that statement.

"I feel it's terribly wrong," Suns owner Robert Sarver said. "I feel we've been unjustly penalized for the fact that we played a clean, hard game. I feel if any team should have been penalized in this series, it should be the Spurs and it shouldn't be us. I feel like I've just been punched in the gut."

Usually I'd point to the fact that the guy's an owner and rule his opinion out due to partisanship.  Except he's COMPLETELY FUCKING CORRECT.  So I won't.

Asked if he thought it was a fair decision, Jackson said, "It's not a matter of fairness, it's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision at this point in time."  Jackson said it was clear that Stoudemire and Diaw had violated the rule, saying they were "20 to 25 feet" from their seats.

Yes, because the commissioner's office is completely powerless!  Gosh, I'd hate to be completely in charge of something... I'd just have my hands tied with red tape all the time.  If only he were some kind of dictator-for-life type thing.  Or wait, what's the word... FUHRER!  That's the one.

Interesting how the commissioner didn't want to play God by violating the rules, but did want to play God by yanking two victims from Game 5, more than likely costing Phoenix the series.  Then again, those two guys really should have maintained their composure.  What a couple of fuckin' morons they are for costing their teammates the game.  Totally their fault.

Let me put it this way.  I hope David Stern spends the last 20 years of his life in a coma.  I hope that the entirety of his coma is excruciatingly painful and horrifying, in a way that he is incapable of expressing physically.  And I hope the hospital would have gladly pulled the plug, giving him a dignified, human death... had he submitted the proper paperwork authorizing such a termination.  No paperwork = no euthanasia.  Unfortunate, but the rule, however, is the rule.  It's not about fairness... it's about correctness.

The new NBA was fun while it lasted.  This whole sport is hopeless.  I'm going back to hockey.

boom bitch

Stupid blog... be more funny!  Things been all serious up in the hizzie lately.  We need some more jokes.

Then again, jokes are hard.  And I'm exhausted from a long day of ranting.  How's about I slap together a bunch of links to other people who are funny.  That's easy.

Top Ten Twelve Dugouts Ever
12. In which Scott Proctor attempts to date Cat Osterman, and Andy Pettite relates an anecdote from Houston
11. In which Jon Papelbon takes down Jim Thome in Tecmo Bowl
10. In which Mr. Met sends Albert Pujols into e'slump
9. IN WHICH!  PECOTA BATTLES!  WITH THE SIGNING OF!  GIL MECHE!
8. In which A-Rod dabbles in risque epithets
7. In which Manny and Roger do likewise
6. In which George Steinbrenner tempts Manny with "gandy"
5. In which Johan Santana bitches about Derek Jeter's video game cover
4. In which Dmitri Young chokes the hell out of a lady cop for the first time, and is rescued by Delmon
3. In which Lou Piniella expresses his feelings towards Bob Howry and Ryan Dempster
2. In which The Brothers Giles shower
1. In which Farnsworth makes beautiful music of his own for Osterman, after sabotaging Proctor

Top Ten Twelve Dugout Quotes Ever
12. SteakGrowsOnDmitri: what in the fuck is fruit by the foot
11. PECOTA: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK, MR. DUCKWORTH!!!!!!!
10. problem_giles_2: Oh yeah bro, that is some hilarious junks!
8a. MetLife: /wiggles fingers... shit bitch hell dammit shit hell boobies; cunttttttt
8b. MetLife: i got stitches on my face and bitches at my place, ya feel me
7. pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you must now have sex with me the kyle farnsworth way
6. WinBenSteinsBrenner: now you and the chinaman get into my van
5. HoldAndPettitte: and then Clemens rips one and sweat goes EVERYWHERE and Bagwell just COLLAPSES
4. pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well look at these morose motherfuckers right here, looks like somebody shit in their fruited loops
3. JohanSolo: I made Torii Hunter's homerun trot him holding up a sign that says "Derek Jeter is a shit bag"
2. DudeYerGettinADelmon: boom bitch
1. WordUpThome: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
(the link isn't the original... but it's way better.  Bow chicka bow bow.)

Other Stuff Goin' On

RED SOX
They aren't playing all that well.  They really aren't.  Sunday's game against the O's is proof of that; Jeremy Guthrie made them look like the Royals.

And yet they're the best team in baseball because of pitching.  Their rotation has been so strong, and their bullpen hasn't laid any turds lately.  The offense scores in fits and starts, but it doesn't matter because they can win 4-2 games.

The blisters on Josh Beckett's finger could not have come at a worse time, of course, but this is really the first misfortune the team has suffered all season.  This would be a perfect opportunity for him to get derailed, unfortunately... let's hope that doesn't happen.

What else... hmmm....

* I love Alex Cora, but I also like the platoon-ish split between him and Dustin Pedroia.  I'm not seeing the urgent need to pick one or the other.  Let 'em both play.

* Definitely need to beef up the pen.  Mike Timlin's ailing, and Joel Piniero's a mess until he starts blowing people away left and right.  They've been lucky that Brendan Donnelly, J.C. Romero and Hideki Okajima have done so well; I don't expect all three of them to keep this up, especially Okajima.

* Wily Mo Pena needs to be traded.  I still like him as a prospect but I feel awful that the Sox are flattening his career.  How's he supposed to develop when he plays once a week (out of position, no less)?  Ship him out to a shitty team for a reliable reliever.  Colorado... Kansas City... Washington... St. Louis... I don't much care.  I'm just so tired of the guilt.

NHL PLAYOFFS
The games have been outstanding.  Anaheim and Detroit, a rare best-against-second-best matchup, should have one hell of an exciting finish.

But I'm depressed about my Sabres.  I won't bury them quite yet, but boy, they are out of gas.  It's sad seeing them lose so convincingly to an evil, dirty team like Ottawa.  What a mismatch.  It's a lot like the Suns/Spurs situation, except the Suns are actually fighting back, whereas the Sabres are lying down.

Too bad for the Sabres fans.  This was their year.  Next time around, Buffalo may be without Daniel Briere and Chris Drury.  Who'll bail them out with 5 seconds left?  Never mind the rising Pittsburgh juggernaut.  Looking grim for Buffalo...

The NBA: It's Crock-Of-Shit-Tastic!

Henry Abbott summed up my feelings better than I can.  Must-read link.  But I'll do it anyway.

Thrilled as I am that the Suns fought back against the Spurs to win Game 4, I'm even more thrilled that they fought back against the Spurs literally.  This may be a game or two late, but I'm just about done respecting San Antonio on any level.  My tolerance of Bruce Bowen has shot way past rock bottom, obviously, but the crap that Robert Horry pulled on Steve Nash is the just last nail in the coffin.  One guy called it "chickenshit," which I think is the perfect word for it.  People think they're tough or gritty or whatever, but I think they're the exact opposite: a bunch of gutless cowards.

It makes me wonder... why do we refuse to punish people for cheating on the court the same way we do when they cheat off the court?  Look at how steroid-based cheating is a goddamn federal case, while blatant, documented, VISUAL evidence of cheating is "the mark of a champion" or something.  That's some ol' bullshit.  If we're taking away Barry Bonds's records for steroid-based cheating, and taking away Final Four appearances for finance-based cheating, why do we not take away championships for just plain-old cheating?

I recognize that putting asterisks next to teams' titles for general cheating opens up a can of worms.  Very few championship teams won without gamesmanship on some level.  As a Patriots fan, I know all about the bargain with the devil.  But I'm talking about punishing the poster children.  The very worst of the very worst.  Bonds is the poster child for steroids, and has thus been made an example.  San Antonio is the poster child for cheating on defense and intentionally trying to injure players.  Why can we not make them an example?  I think there's a pretty goddamn fabulous case to be made.

Dreams aside, let's return to the real focus of my bile: Bruce Bowen.  How much more of his dirty, evil, talentless, and above all else unpunished shit does America have to endure before someone DOES something about it?

The guy is a joke.  He's not talented enough to compete, so he cheats.  He is the physical embodiment of "getting away with it."  He's O.J, he's Ray Lewis, he's Kobe Bryant, but only on the court.  Within the context of a basketball game, he represents everything that we teach our children to not be.  There should be no place for a despicable, immoral person like him in sports.

But he'll never be punished properly.  Never.  The NBA has set up a lovely Catch-22: they won't punish the perpetrators, but they will gladly punish the vigilantes.

1) The NBA refuses to suspend the perpetrators of cheating and intentionally dirty play.
If someone gets caught trying to rob a bank, or blow up an airplane, do the police let him go?  No.  That guy's in jail for a long, long time.

If Bruce Bowen gets caught trying to tear Amare Stoudemire's Achilles tendon, does the NBA let him go?  Yes.  No foul, no fine, no suspension.  I guess he didn't do anything wrong!

I mean, it's not like there's no evidence.  There's video of the play.  The intent is there.  He did it.  How can that go completely unpunished?!?

Here's what kills me...

David Stern takes pleasure in handing out arbitrary, fascist suspensions.  It's what gets him up in the morning.  Just ask Jermaine O'Neal.  Hell, ask Kobe Bryant.  And when Stern does drop the hammer, he's bulletproof.  Appeal denied!!!

So if David Stern were to kick Bowen out for the rest of the playoffs, for conduct unbecoming of an adult let alone an NBA player, there ain't a goddamn thing anyone could do about it.

Who's gonna beat the commissioner?  The Spurs?  They made Bowen what he is, so they ought to be made to feel some pain.  The players' union?  They're the Washington Generals to Der Fuhrer's Harlem Globetrotters.  They're puppets.  Bowen's agent?  Ha!  Not likely.  Stern could do this.  He could send a message.  He could put the fear of an arbitrary, crazy God in the hearts of anyone who might fit the description of a dirty player.  But he doesn't.

Why?  Because he's convinced that dirty play on the court does not adversely affect the league's image.  Bowen's transgressions are limited to the basketball court.  He's not waving a gun outside a nightclub.  He's not violating the league's dress code.  He's not talking back to referees.  So the league doesn't care.  (Way to have your priorities straight.  Trying to paralyze someone on purpose is okay, as long as you wear a suit and shut up.)

Therefore, NBA referees and league officials will allow Bowen to continue his path of destruction until a superstar like LeBron or D-Wade gets seriously, seriously hurt by this guy.  Of course, then it'll be too late.

This all seems to rule out the NBA governing itself, which leaves it up to the players themselves.  However:

2) The NBA is more likely to punish the response to a cheap shot than the cheap shot itself.
Not only has the league failed to address their own problem, but they've set up rules such that players who so much as think about addressing the problem themselves get automatic suspensions.  The NBA has set precedents for fighting so severe that the consequences are too dire to allow for proper retribution.  We're not going to do anything about it... but don't you be a vigilante, either.

For example, watch what happens today in the aftermath of the fight.  Amare Stoudemire will draw a suspension for the biggest game of his life, because he stood up and took exception to yet another cheap-shot from the Spurs.  Didn't throw a punch, didn't hurt anyone.  He just had a reaction.  How much more of this crap can they be expected to take without doing anything about it?

And why do players continue to have that reaction, despite the threat of a "leaving the bench" suspension?  Because they have ZERO trust in the refs and the league to handle things themselves.  If just and appropriate punishments were EVER handed out, maybe you'd see players stay right on the bench where they belong.  It's a snap-judgment, an instinctive thing to begin with; the lack of faith in the powers that be exacerbates it.  If your teammate gets elbowed in the chops on purpose, and your choices are "sitting back, knowing nothing will be done" and "I get suspended, but at least I fixed shit," odds are that most people take option #2.

(Somewhat off-topic, but I would like someone to tell me why one's response to cheating is a test of one's cool, but not the act of cheating itself.  Isn't it an implicit admission of inferiority if you resort to illegal play?  A sign of weakness?  If a player better than me is just owning me, and my lack of ability leaves me no choice but to resort to cheap-ass elbowing and oil-checking maneuvers, have I not also lost my cool?  Why does the collective pressure lie on the victim?  Explain THAT.)

The reason this stuff drives me so nuts is that the "new NBA" is so much better than the Rileyball era... but the league's refusal to discourage thug-ball will kill that trend before it even gets rolling.  We desperately need one of these "new/exciting" teams (Mavs, Suns, et al) to win a championship and get it done against the thug-ballers.  But the refs do not (and maybe cannot) prevent thug-ball from being so effective.  Thugs like Bowen have no fear of significant retribution.  They think they won't be punished if they can slip it past the refs.  If dirty players knew that they could dodge a foul from the ref, but not a suspension from the league, watch how quickly they'd start behaving.

If the league continues to sit on its hands, teams will revert right back to Rileyball.  Other than the Van Gundy brothers, nobody wants that.  The NBA could stop it, but they won't.  I wish they would.

Anyway, Game 5 should be a goddamn classic.  Let's hope half the players aren't suspended.

Captioning A-Rod Photos Has Jumped The Shark

Apparently I spent Friday in a cave, because I missed the story that will almost assuredly win the 2007 Pulitzer Prize for journalism.  The award will be split three ways between:

1. The person who wrote the headline "Yankees' Wang hit hard by Rangers"
2. The photographer who took this picture
3. The author of the picture's caption, emphasis mine:

New York Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang (40) and third baseman Alex Rodriguez react after Rodriguez failed to tag out Texas Rangers' Gerald Laird when Laird was caught in a rundown between third and home...

There's really only two words to say: Bra, and Vo.

And hey, even if they lose the Pulitzer, that "react" line gets its own bust in the "Dooooon't Go There!!!" hall of fame.  That's not a bad second prize.  Better than a set of steak knives...

The Unfriday Unfunny

So I read this, and thought "huh, that's kind of out there, even for the Dugout.  Poor Rick Dempsey, gettin' picked on by those guys."

Then I read this, and thought, "Wow.  It's all true.  This is like the Giles Brothers thing, except really really bad."

I basically have two thoughts on the matter:

1) The joke wasn't nearly as stupid as the decision to make husband-beating jokes then.  With Mrs. Gibbons on the air.  It's all about timing, and that was not the time.  Chuck Finley sure didn't laugh.

2) Now, see that?  THAT was a good place for a domestic violence joke.  For you see I am on the Internet where you can do anything!  I am not currently BROADCASTING A FUCKING BASEBALL GAME.

OK, so it was really just one thought.  I just wanted to remind everyone to look over your shoulders, just in case Tawny Kitaen Finley is coming after you with a frying pan, calling you "Chuck" for some unknown reason.

The More You Know...

Friday Funny - It ain't easy...

But it's necessary.

After all, pimpin is the true great American pastime.

And let's not forget to toss in a public service announcement, that you can stock up on all necessary gear for what's necessary, open 'til six in the morn...here.

Abbondanza, bitches!

Sonics

So, I haven't really been keeping up with the whole Sonics situation because it's been so depressing, but I ran across a couple of things recently that are actually pretty interesting. First, is an old-ish post from Supersonic Soul. The post basically claims that Vegas was never really an option, and that the new Sonics management may be forced to back down and just settle for Key Arena, or I guess maybe put up a lot of their own money for the new arena. I don't know if he's right, but it sounds great to me... Unless, that means new rumors of leaving every year until it eventually happens. That will be excruciating.

But, it may be that not all hope is lost. I mean, the Sonics are likely to suck for the foreseeable future, but they may be more stable than we think. Sonics Central, for example, points out that Chad Ford's draft board -- in the event of the Sonics picking 3rd -- has us taking Yi Jianlian. I figure that means we take him 5th as well, since I don't really get the sense other teams are likely to be that high on him. Oh no, you say? The Sonics taking another unproven big man, gambling on him being a dynamic force eventually? Well, yeah. But...

How the hell is the NBA going to move the Sonics away from Seattle with the second biggest Chinese star on the roster? You think Yi will pack in the fans in Oklahoma or KC like he would in Seattle? I think not. And let's be honest, it's time to blow this whole damn thing up anyway. So, we don't end up with Durant or Oden, I'm not sure it's so bad that the Sonics may go after Yi. How does this look, long term?

1) Draft Yi.
2) Do not resign Rashard Lewis
3) Trade Ray Allen at the deadline next year to some team who needs scoring for a playoff run
4) Hell, trade a bunch of other guys too. There is not one person on this roster that I am convinced can help the Sonics eventually win a championship.
4) Draft #1 overall next year
5) Profit

It's not as optimal as it could have been. We should have traded Rashard Lewis at the deadline this year, tanked, and drafted Durant. But with Yi on the roster, if he's 3/4 of the player that Yao is (and reports are somewhat promising), they cannot move the team from Seattle. It could re-brand the Sonics better than anything else I can imagine. And if the current ownership group decides they really can't move the team, at least they'll run the team like a business and not like Howard Schultz' little toy.

Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but it'll be interesting to see how this all looks after the draft.

Kaufman

For any who missed it, King Kaufman over at Salon really waxed poetic about the Jazz/Warriors game last night. Well worth a read.

Consider me Miles Davis

Fuck Virginia Tech. Today, we are all Brewers.

The Game, Week 5

Our beloved VP checks in this week, to remind us, "It's Game Time".
Exactly what game would that be, Mr. VP?


But, enough politics... this week's recommendation is none other than tonight's Phillies/Dbags game in Arizona. Why? Well, how often do you get to see 88 years of starting pitcher in one game?

Jamie Moyer vs. Shriveled Old Unit

Or, to put it another way:

vs.

Advantage: This Guy.

How Vernon Wells Won ME Over, Too

Vernon Wells is awesome.

By tossing those assholes a baseball at all, Wells showed not only that he expects better from people but also that he's willing to take the time to convey that as eloquently as he can.  He didn't just ignore the jackass fans, treat them as a lost cause or a side effect of fame, or whatever.  He communicated with them, honestly and politely, in the hopes that he could win them over.  Lo and behold, it worked.  Amazing.

He demonstrated exactly the kind of class and character we should expect from all people, let alone athletes.  Treat fans like people, and they start acting like people.  Bravo.

Gotta love the trend of superstars utilizing their creativity and inventiveness for the purpose of fan relations, and coming up roses for having done so.  This is on a smaller scale than, say, Gilbert Arenas and Clinton Portis' antics, but the rule still stands.  No gimmicks, just real people not denying themselves their better instincts.  I love it.

(P.S. None of this would win over a Sox fan.  If A-Rod did this at Fenway, some old granny would run on the field and punch his balls anyway.  And if I were Wells, I'd have tossed up a baseball that read "I ate your mother's snatch, pecker-neck," and taped some of my pubes to it.  He's clearly a better man than I.)

Jesse Putzwoooooooooo

I can't be the first person to notice the similarity, can I?

Manny note

In the same vein as the New Yorker story on him, found this:

There's a fair chance Boston's Manny Ramirez will find himself on the wrong end of an inside fastball next time the teams meet. The Mariners didn't appreciate his over-the-top celebration, throwing his helmet into the air and raising his arm while rounding the bases, after hitting the go-ahead homer in the eighth inning Thursday night. There was speculation, however, that Ramirez was confused about what inning it was and thought he'd hit a walk-off game winner.

Friday Funny, Pt. 2

I have a new favorite minor league team: the Modesto Nuts.  Finally, Modesto makes up for unleashing Gary Condit on the world!

I couldn't stop giggling.  It's so stupid and childish, but I honestly don't give a rat's ass.  I strongly recommend taking a stroll through the News Room, if only to judge your true adulthood.  Never mind that the site is sponsored by Woody's Golf & Industrial Vehicles, but the headlines are pretty excellent.  They try their best, but I can't help but laugh at "Five-run second dooms Nuts."  I keep re-reading it, thinking that it'll eventually reveal itself to be unfunny... but it never is!

My favorite Nut?  Alan Johnson, of course.  Honorable mention: Jose Valdez and David Patton.  There's plenty to enjoy about Patton (Nuts) and Valdez (Nuts).  I tried to get something funny out of Blumenthal but couldn't do it.  I know there's a blueballs joke in there somewhere, dying to get out and be seen.  The closest I came was Blue Menthol Nuts, which is why I stopped.

Finally, I wish they were the property of the Nationals, so that their extended name could be the Nutionals.  If they wanted a fan base of one (me) they'd do that.

Go Nuts!

Douche Nowitzki?

Ok, I hate Dirk. I don't like watching him play. I don't think he should be the MVP. I don't like the obnoxious faces he makes. I don't like watching him throw tantrums at his teammates. Despite an irrational dislike of Dallas as a city, I can't think of another reason why I dislike the Mavs.

But I think I'm disliking all the Dirk-hating even more. Check out this post and response on ESPN.com:

Jason (Ohio): Hey Chris it boils down to this. In any sport you have players and you have winners. NBA: Dirk is a player, Jordan was a winner. NFL: Dan Marino was a player, Tom Brady is a winner. A winner has a certain moxy to them, they stay cool under pressure, they want the ball when the game is on the line, and they don't make excuses. Dirk is the complete opposite of a winner. He may be a hall of famer someday, but not a winner.

Chris Sheridan: I'll let that one speak for itself, Jason.

First of all, Jason, you sound like a douche. You're not the guy I want telling me who a winner is. Second, this guy has probably been saying the same thing for years. Except after the Super Bowl, he had to sub in Dan Marino for Peyton Manning. People were saying the same crap about Manning every year, but he wound up winning. Did he do something radically different or alter his basic nature? No. He was a great player who had some bad performances, and whose teams had some bad performances.

What's even worse is that Chris Sheridan agrees with him and is egging these guys on! Earlier in the chat, he agreed that Nowitzki isn't mentally tough enough and mentioned trading Dirk for Jermaine O'Neal straight up. I mean, I know he's self-aggrandizing and obnoxious, but he usually sounds overinformed rather than uninformed.

Even the "winners" have crappy performances (Simmons mentioned a few that surprised me in his last blog). And some players do seem to have a little more of an "it" factor then others (uuuuuuuughJeterbuthecaneatabag). But this is the best player on a 67-win team, a guy who had the best PER in the league two years running. He's made tough shots and had some pretty big playoff performances last year (50 on the Suns, knocking off the Spurs). Now, because of a ref screwjob last spring (although he probably did let that get into his head a bit too) and a lousy series against a team that finally gelling after trades, getting healthy and playing defense, you want to trade him for a guy who's salary is larger this year ($18M v. $15M) and over the next four ( $80M v. $69M), and has 2/3 the PER (18.86 v. 27.70)? Iguodala's PER was 18.18 -- would you trade Nowitzki for Iguodala? Ok, bad example because Iguodala is awesome.

Look, when a guy's whose star attribute is not screwing up can't stop screwing up in a playoff series, it's going to get ugly fast. And I don't feel bad for him: he seems like a jerk, I don't like his ass-face, and people can revel in his crapping all they want. But to say that athletes are almost genetically subdivided into "winners" and "players," especially when you have highly visible, recent evidence to the contrary, is ignorant. And to suggest blowing up a 67-win team by shipping off the most efficient player in the league for a more expensive, lesser player whose own mental toughness has been questioned is Joe Morgan-esque.

Friday Funny

I love it when they call me big Papi.

This is my BROOMSTICK!

Nothing gets the Yankees well quite like a trip to Texas. They've now won 10 in a row down there. Things are looking up - Andy Pettitte is anchoring the staff like the stud he is, they fired the hell out of the rat-faced little bastard in charge of tearing everone's hammies, and Farnworth looks like he's upped his prescription, now sporting coke-bottle lenses, straight outta Major League. Of course, it's not helping, as he gave up a tater to Teixeira last night, but hey, maybe they can trade him to the Phillies for Lieber.

Other good news for the Yanks-

Phil Hughes is on the DL with a hammy pull (surprise surprise), but it's a routine thing, and hopefully will keep his arm fresh come September.*

Carl Pavano is headed to Dr. Andrews. He's the Barbaro of MLB. In the words of Mr. Grocer, "why don't you just shoot the fucker already?" This tears it. From now on, he's no longer Glass Carl- he's Barbaro.


*who am I kidding- this injury fucking sucks ass. I was freaking out during that no-no he had going, and with one look at the kid's face post-hammy pull, I was sold. He was in massive pain, and did NOT want out of that game. Love it.

The Name of the Week award goes to . . .

. . . this guy. When did they start putting EA Sports name generators in maternity wards?